Am I being too insecure, needy<P>Historical perspective. My W had PA with two tree service guys from 07-20-00 to D/D 01-17-01.<P>Re-occurring theme??? My W & I have had several conversation about how I have some insecurities & they seem to crop up when we out in public & I see some guy checking her out or when she engages in conversation at party with a guy. She expressed recently that she understood that I am uncomfortable about her talking to men.<P>Every Tuesday evening a group from our church meets and plays nine holes of golf. In reading Harley’s material about recreational companionship, I am trying to do more things together. I suggest that she join us after golf for the customary food & beverage. My had a hair appointment.<P>I am ion last group & when I come into the club house she has a seat where she is boxed in with guys & gals on both sides & across from her. There are two empty chairs at end of table, so I go there. We exchange hello’s from about r chairs away. I’m trying hard to not be “Mr. Needy,” but I am hoping she’ll get up & come down & sit next to me. She does not – she has enjoyable time joking it up with the guys & gals and having a few beers & sharing snacks – I’m feeling a little left out here.<P>I can not get out of my mind the Harley thing about how it is important to have fun together, yet I’m feeling bad that I am having these insecurities about watching her have fun with other’s. ??? At one point she suggested that maybe we can’t go out together any more. <BR>Am I being way too insecure here?! I mean I should not have a problem with her having some innocent fun with other people should I?! We have had several discussions about this & she tells me that when I bring up these kinds of things it makes her feel bad & it is pushing her away from me, like I’m being too controlling. I know from her perspective she does not understand why I would have some negative feelings & she would think that I forbid her to talk with anyone else or to have any other friends. Am I being too controlling to expect her to come and sit next to me? Couldn’t She talk with other people while sitting next to me, or am I getting too waked out over really petty stuff here?? Am I expecting too much like we are to act like two newly weds & be inseparable or should I expect us to act as two independent people that end up meeting at home??<P>I stayed behind 20 minutes with two guys & when I get home she was in a very romantic mood wants to be intimate & I simply could not get in the mood?!! I have not said a word, but I’m sure she recognizes something is wrong – I just feel like a real whimp to bring this up with her, which I feel will be still another love buster, which I do not want to do of course.<P>Any suggestions on best way for me to deal with this??<P>HH<BR>

Hi HH,<P>Sounds like you need some reassurance. New word for me and I think I am wearing it out. But it is a big thing on what I need. Can you let your W know that you need periodic reassurance? Not a whinny kind, just a loving kind. See what her interpretation is or share what you feel reassurance means to you. I did. H said, he will work on it harder. Of course, if you have read any of my posts, I am not getting any right now but hey at least he knows and acknowledges. <P>Just my thought. <P>L.

I'm kind of new, so I may be off base, but don't the Harley's suggest recreational companionship with just the 2 of you? You see, your post touched me because I have been somewhat, no A LOT needy in my marriage. My H always wanted to do things with friends or family or whoever, just never wanted me along. It made me feel that he was embarrassed to be seen with me. This has been the case throughout our whole marriage. He has never understood it, or tried to change it. Do you and your W do things alone together? If you do, then when you are out in a group, I wouldn't push the neediness. If you don't then try to suggest doing the golfing thing or something else alone. I'm still working on it with my H. He's never seen it from my side, so of course, all I seem to him is needy and insecure. When he was honest with me about one of the things he liked about OW, it was that she had high self-esteem; she never worried about how she looked (she's a bit overweight) or what anyone else thought about her. I am the opposite. It hurt me so badly to have him say this to me, but I didn't let him see the pain. I know that I need to really work on my low self-esteem, or run the risk of this happening again. Are you in counseling for yourself? I'm starting next week. I kept thinking H was the only one with problems because of the A. I'm finding out how much I need help, because as low as my self-esteem was before his A, it's even LOWER now. Good luck...<P>Kari

Orchid,<BR>Thanks for your reply! I think you were the first one to reply to me when I first posted a few months back. I always notice your name, although I must apologise I have not always kept up with your story .<P>Good point -- reassurance is a word I've used in the past several times, but not of late. I have a perception that my W's C has helped her gain a new sense of her selve & I don't think she has a clue to some of my feelings, even though I feel I've been pretty direct about them of late. I'm trying to remain very positive & not jump to lots of negative conclusions from this. <BR>Perhaps this is a common trait of WS's, but I would think it would be painfully obvious that a WS would be a little sentative to the fact that the BS would need a little extra assurances?!!<BR>I appreciate your feedback & I hope you are hangin in there!! <P>Kari,<BR>You'r not off base a bit. The together alone thing is very important & I'm trying hard to increase that. I guess I am a disappointed my W did not take the initiative to come a sit with me as if she enjoyed my company as much as the others & that she was sentative to my needs right now.<BR>So yes, I can understand your feelings with your H & doing things together & the self image thing -- I don't think the typical WS imagines all the triggers we BS's have & how often they occur.<BR>Please hang in there!<BR>HH

Hi HH,<P>My advice would be not to judge the situation on first sight. It may appear that she's flirting but she might not think she's doing this. She might just be having fun. Ask her how she felt when she was there. Let her tell you what she thought was happening but don't judge her or the situation.<P>If I were you, I'd also be positive. In that situation you could have walked in, kissed her a big hello or at least said something like 'hi, how are you doing, it's great to see you' and then stroked her back or something. I'd also have arranged the chairs so that I was sitting next to her. Say something like 'is it ok if I come sit next to you? I'd really like to join in'. Don't play the victim. If you think you're the underdog - you'll act like one. Think like the rooster.<P>If I were you, if she wants to be intimate - do it - don't destroy what she's trying to give you. If you need time to get in the mood - do whatever you need to do - but you need to try.<P>Don't stop plan Aing, HH - keep at it,<P>Freddy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Freddy:<P>I'd also have arranged the chairs so that I was sitting next to her. Say something like 'is it ok if I come sit next to you? I'd really like to join in'. Don't play the victim. If you think you're the underdog - you'll act like one. Think like the rooster.<P>Freddy[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Freddy,<BR>Good Advice!! Thanks!! Those action steps did not enter my mind -- as you sensed, I was in fact feeling a little sorry for myself & not in the mood to be Mr. outgoing, which I can do.<BR>Again, Thanks! <BR>HH<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:<BR><B>I have not said a word, but I’m sure she recognizes something is wrong – I just feel like a real whimp to bring this up with her, which I feel will be still another love buster, which I do not want to do of course.<P>Any suggestions on best way for me to deal with this??<P>HH</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My $0.02:<P>Talk to her..in a nice non-threatening way about how you feel. How else will she know? It doesn't have to be aLB, but i think it is important to communicate. You have to let her know how you feel just as she needs to tell you. It's simple honesty. If you are hoding your feelings back all you will generate is resentment.<P>There are ways to do this w/o LB.<P>Good luck <P>E<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Elad:<BR>You have to let her know how you feel just as she needs to tell you. It's simple honesty. If you are hoding your feelings back all you will generate is resentment.<P>/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Elad,<BR>Thanks! <BR>I have better with my anxities & we have communicated much better lately & a focus has been on the points you make!<P>Thanks to everyone else that checks in & offers suggestions & perpsectives. They do help, even when they are not what I thought I wanted to hear, but even those can help when I step back & ponder points --- <BR>Peace to all,<BR>HH <BR>