Today I'm in a BLAH kinda mood. Back on the roller coaster...and I'd been doing so well for about a week.<BR>I was getting kinda used to not having my WH here with us...especially at night...since he is a snorer...lol<BR>I'm getting used to packing up all 3 girls even when I just need to go get milk. Sometimes I feel like it's a HUGE relief that he is no longer here. More often then not lately. Motly because I don't think about what he's doing anymore....don't worry about it...don't ask question.<BR>This whole not asking questions is one HUGE step for me. He even sees that....telling me he can't believe I'm not asking him questions about what he's doing. I feel good about myself.....but sad for my daughters and their pain.<P>A week and a half ago I was so ready for my marriage to just be over.<BR>Now....I'm back on the roller coaster after the conversation with my WH last night.<BR>I realized that I do indeed love him with everything that I have.....I was pushing all those feelings aside trying to convince myself that I didn't so it would be easier to move on....but I can't just turn those feelings off. I wish I could so I wouldn't feel like I do right now. I was doing so well.<P>I'm not getting my hopes up....I'm ready to go either way....but I know what I want now. I want my H and I and our daughters to be a family again. I want those annual family vacations....quality family time and the times we all spend on the floor just playing around. I want all that back....I don't want to be a single mother.<P>The whole tough love thing seemed to be working for me....but now it doesn't seem to be working....it gave him the impression that I was over it completely. I don't want to give him that impression at all.<BR>I'm not going back to the whining sniveling person that I used to be. I will still be strong....but I have got to get my fight back.<P>I need an opinion on something. When this all started I took my wedding band off. I have been contemplating putting them back on for several days now. My WH has noticed that they are off....hasn't said anything though. Would me putting them back on confuse him more....or what? I want to put them back on.....but don't want to confuse him anymore about my feelings for him. He doesn't seem to be sure that I love him....and doesn't really seem to understand how I could......but I do.<P>Another thing that has bothered me lately. I have not thought of telling my WH that I love him when he leaves or when I get off the phone with him in almost a week. Actually....the first time I thought about it in almost a week was when he asked me why I didn't want a divorce.<BR>That was an eye opener for me.....now I'm beating myself up for letting myself get harder and not trying hard enough to make myself remember that I do.<BR>

MP...<P>The journey of a thousand miles, begins with but a single step!<P>You know there are more ways to fight the battle now. You know that you are armed with the confidence to know that you dont need him, you want him. You dont have to ask questions or answer things all the time. You are learning more ways to see things and how to be proactive instead of reactive!! Fight for what you want, but dont let it look like you are!! Make sense??<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I know exactly what you mean TH.<P>My only thing is....most of the time it seems like he's relived that I'm moving on.....that it's really what he wants me to do. He keeps telling me to go out....move on...find someone that will treat me the way I need to be treated.....like it's what he REALLY wants me to do.<BR>He's getting pretty convincing about not wanting to be in this marriage. He's doing everything he can to prove that he doesn't want to be with me.<BR>But...there are questions he asks.....you know them...where are you....who are you with...what are you doing....gotta date? <BR>He said something one time about not wanting to be with me because he didn't want to feel like he was on a leash. I never wanted to nor ever did try to keep him on a leash....but he has one now. Calling here every night....calling when he's going to go do something....all that. <BR>I know that he's somewhat uncomfartable living with my sister.....she brought a guy home with her last night while I was talking to him on the phone and then I heard he went back up to work not long after he got off the phone with me......probably because my sister had a "friend" over. Wonder how long he's going to do that? <BR>I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to fight the good fight.....but for now I am.....without him even knowing it.<P>

Rollercoasters fun and exciting? Not for me. I find them to be terrifying and they make me throw up, couldn't pay me to go on one. For me the term rollercoaster in regards to an affair fits perfectly.

NO rollercoasters are fun when they get offtrack!!! When the ride breaks down, it upsets so many things. Then after you tinker with it, and get it up and running again, and can stand back and see your WORK, It becomes a thrilling ride again.<P> Do not lose faith!! I have one little opinion abotu the ring thing. I do not think anyone should remove their wedding bands until the marriage is over. It sends so many mixed signals to EVERYONE. JMHO

Just to let you know.....I put my rings back on before my WH showed up tonight.

On the rings, when my S decided we were separating, she took her rings off with almost glee. She had a moment of weakness, almost said forget it, and put them back on in front of me. One trip to her therapist that same day, and they were back off. It is a dagger in the heart-truly. She sees it as liberating, I feel it as hurtful, spiteful.<P>We are a long way from done, I am working for a good outcome. Time will tell. But, the day I moved out and was in my place alone, I took off my ring also. I figured in for a dime, in for a dollar. That ring sits on my dresser all alone, and I see it as the symbol of what i have to regain if I hang in, and my S comes around.