I was at a baby shower for my sister-in-law last night (which I "half" organized along with my other sister-in-law. My sister-in-law had purchased a swing set/tree house for her 3-year old daughter. It just triggered my "venom". I went home to my husband, sleeping on the couch of course but didn't say a word. He came up this morning before leaving and I just blew up saying that I was distraught at what our daughter could never have, what she's entitled to...etc. I had so wanted to buy her a swing set for her birthday and my H was so foggy that he just didn't prioritize it. In any case, I know I was LB'ing but I just kept telling him how sorry I felt for him. He just called and left me a voice mail at work telling me that I reminded him of the type of person that I was and how I used to ruin his day, what drove him away, etc. I haven't called him back and decided to post here instead. I now look forward to another very empty weekend. Any suggestions/comments would be so appreciated.<P>

Terrified:<P>There are two ways to bring up this kind of honesty: the first is a way that allows the other spouse to try to build love with you---by an appropriate response. The second way is tearing into your spouse, so even if they do feel bad, they're so defensive and hurt that they don't have a clue what to do with their emotions.<P>I always vote for #1 over #2. You did #2. If you want the marriage, you owe him an apology.

T:<P>K's right. A simple, "You are right. I'm sorry I let my emotions out in such a negative way." should suffice.<P>If the circumstances allow, use that as an opening to continue the dialog in a non-LB manner. A key in this is to use "I" statements: "I feel ..." and "I think ..." They allow you to express what you honestly think or feel, but the use of "I" as opposed to "you" is not as accusatory, will make him feel less threatened. Thus, you will have provided a safe and caring place for him to be honest. (The rules of care and protection providing a haven for the rule of honesty.)<P>So, take a deep breath and gather yourself. Roll up your sleeves and back to Plan A. Without the LBs.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Dear K, You're right. Since I want the marriage, I will apologize for my behaviour. God, this is hard.

Terrified,<P>don't worry too much about blowing up - I've done this a couple of times - it's how you recover that's important. Actually, I got upset with her last night and only recovered today <P>K and STL are on the nose with this one. Call him and just say, 'You're right, I'm working on this' then switch immediately to move you forward - why not invite him to dinner or tell him you'll cook something. Ask him if he'd like to get the wine. Get him involved again.<P>good luck.<P>

I failed to mention that H's voice mail said that my daughter would be much better off with a happy father. My blowup reminded him of what would he would have to put up if he stayed. I was just so depressed after that.<P>Dear STL, thanks for grounding me.

Terrified,<P>I agree you should apologizie. However, I would suggest that you tell your H that why you shouldn't have been so negative and accusatory, that there were feelings involved that you need to let him know about. The feelings you felt were real and your H needs to know about them. Next time maybe you can start the conversation by saying something like, "I am bothered by something that I think you should be aware of..." Communication doesn't have to be an LB. But not being honest with your feelings is also not good either. Remember you have to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty and not LB at the same time.<P>I hope I made some sense.<BR>S&C

Terrified,<BR> Yeah this was a major LB on your part.... however some times you just have to or you will explode!!!... and what yu said cannot be undone..... what i gather from his comment to your LB is that he KNOWS that he was in the wrong and rther than feel the guilt of what he has done to D changes the topic so youre the bad guy.<BR>i dont really know your story and i dont know if this is an accurate assumption but this is a FOG thing at least it was when my H was in the fog.<BR>Good luck to you<BR>

I can relate. Yesterday was also a very bad day for me. I let my H "have it." I truly felt he deserved what I said. Well, after he left for work, I was reading Redbook. One of the advice things was something about remember the power of saying "I'm sorry." It said even if you don't mean it at the moment, the words are so powerful that the atmosphere they lead to can make you both feel better. <P>So I tried it. And it worked! Couldn't believe it. I know I'll still mess up and say things I shouldn't. I have been so hurt and betrayed that it's hard not to. But I tell myself I'll try to be better next time. Good luck, I know you're hurting.

Thanks everyone. In order to prevent another one of my emotional blowups, how do I deal with his refusal to go on a family vacation and his setting up a two-day golf excursion with his buddies. I just think this is do disrespectful considering he's gone on two other buddy excursions earlier this year so if he goes and I set no boundaries, is this an LB?

I fear this weekend so much. I cannot believe this man I loved so much and trusted has become so unfeeling and distant.<P>

Terrified,<P>I am trying to make some sense of what you said to your H, to find the root of where you were coming from. What I do not understand is why can your daughter never has something like a swingset? How is your H preventing this?<P>Z<P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

Terrified:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In order to prevent another one of my emotional blowups, how do I deal with his refusal to go on a family vacation and his setting up a two-day golf excursion with his buddies. I just think this is do disrespectful considering he's gone on two other buddy excursions earlier this year so if he goes and I set no boundaries, is this an LB?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>One way to avoid lovebusters is for both you and your husband to agree to the Rule of Complete Honesty. That means sharing all thoughts (positive and negative) with your spouse---trying not to use lovebusters (like disrespectful judgements and selfish demands). To balance that, you should use the Policy of Joint Agreement before doing anything that will remotely affect your spouse.<P>There's no doubt that the golf outing hasn't been negotiated in that way. I would suggest talking calmly with your husband about this situation---letting him know that one way he can avoid these outbursts from you is to curb "thoughtless behavior" by using the POJA to work out "win-win" situations. It's better that he not do something and he be resentful that him DO something and YOU be resentful. One is resentment for "not doing" (passive resentment)---and Harley has found that this isn't nearly as damaging as the active resentment that comes from having a spouse DO something that wasn't agreed on.<P>You may not get him to use the POJA. He may still go on the golf outing. But you need to clearly state your opinions to him in a non-threatening manner---and then continue in "Plan A" type behavior.

Terrified<BR>I know how you feel. I can get easily worked up over the smallest of things. I have problems expressing my anger, so I usually start by yelling. Since we stared going to counseling, I've learned to start out with feeling words. I probably would have started by waking him then say "can we please talk I needs some cheering up right now." My H is more willing to help me with my feelings when I try to talk about how I feel.<BR>It sounds like there is some resentment between both of you. To much negativaty. I hope you two are going thruogh counseling, it realy does help. Express to H that you want to work things out, and you need his help. Tell him that if he feels your getting out of line to tell you to calm down, and to try to hug you.<BR>I know this worked for me. Before hand, my H would want nothing to do with me, now he does these things, and we can get the problem out and over with.<BR>Good Luck. Sherry

Zorweb, Re:the swingset, I wanted to buy one for my d's b-day but he didn't want to simply because he wasn't focused(it was a bad withdrawal time for him). The way I interpreted that is that he wasn't focused on our family.<P>Thanks and hugs to all.<P>

Dear SEM, Thanks for your reply. You mention that your H wanted nothing to do with you which is exactly where I sit right now. How long did this stage last with you?

Dear Terrified,<P>Going to go out on the limb again but it sounds like your H was looking for and found an excuse to blow up at YOU!!!<P>Ok, so you got mad at him and did an LB. Bad Girl. You recognized that and know to apologize. Now you are a better girl. <P>Next move. How about a letter?<P>Dear H, <P>I am sorry for blowing up at you. Even little things for our daughter make you want to quickly run to a divorce. Is that how we should handle all our concerns? I hope our daughter's needs will carry greater priority than our need to hurt each other. Can we agree to that? This would help us tremendously. <P>Sincerely, <BR>Your Wife.<P>Might be a bit sarcastic. But something to the effect that both of you should prioritize family needs ahead of personal vendetta needs. You know, like think before talking? <P>Main point here is to put the fix for this back on your H. He may not like it but if you fix yourself and put it back on him, where else is he going to put his anger? Ah.... if he tries to put it on you, you can acknowledge that I already fixed my part. I still love you so, please take your anger elsewhere. <P>Again with as much tact as possible. Do it for the right reasons. <P>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited August 10, 2001).]

Orchid, I did apologize and then I left him a message letting him know that I know I have to let him ago. When I got home, I started talking about him moving out and having a plan for separation but he rejected any serious talk and attempted intimacy (do you think he's confused?). It was my stab at giving him what he wants so he doesn't want it so much anymore kind-of-thing. My next step is just not talk about it at all unless he brings it up. What do you think?

I apologize, but I'm having a hard time trying to understand what YOU want here. The post started out where you blew up at your H, you felt badly about doing it, and posted asking what they think you should do to rectify this situation. Correct? <P>I will reply to this post as though you wish to save this marriage but I won't join in on a pity party, even though I don't think an A is ever 'right' to do or 'deserved' or 'you drove me to this'. <P>First off, if I were you, I'd buy myself a big roll of duct-tape and keep it on hand. Whenever you feel that 'need' or 'emotion' to lash out and cause some pain to H because you are feeling so much now and want HIM to realize some of it because afterall, he CAUSED that pain in you...duct tape your mouth. Don't say it! Think about what you want to say, and SIT on it for a long long while. Say a few days.....then, if it STILL seems as if it must be stated, say it in a more calm, rational, non-LBing way. Be especially aware of 1) is it that 'time' of the month and are we really emotional right now, besides maybe even *****y (if this applies to you, not sure of your age or such) 2) realize that your emotions and nerves are in high-gear right now, disapointment, depression, worries, lady there is alot going on in your life now and you have to take things baby step at a time 3) anything that you are going to say to him should reflect the love you wish are working towards, the changes you are trying to make in a positive way to keep this marriage and make it better. Your words should NOT be used to inflict hurt on him, belittle him as a husband (or father) or degrade him which all occurred when you lashed at him that morning.<P>I agree with the first posters wherein they said apologize. I personally don't think that long explainations need to accompany the apology as they tend to lead to reasoning of 'why' you said/did what you did and you start 'justifying' it. He in turn will be surprised and deep inside glad that you apologized *sincerely* of course, and the defenses/ anger will not rear it's ugly head because if you don't try to justify it, he won't have to defend himself. <P>I started reading some of your earlier posts, and what brought you to this forum. If I had to take a wild guess, I would say you two did LBing big time, now there are hurt hearts, and both want it to work but you're still not realizing what each other needs to work this out. I'm betting your H wants respect from you, and he wants adoration. Have you learned from him WHY he had this affair? What was it that the OW was giving him that he wasn't getting from you? <P>My H is much like your H, and all that he needs to be able to come home each night ENJOYABLY to his family, is the love and respect from his wife and children that he's due. He enjoys conversation with me because I listen intently to what he says, I stop what I'm doing and actually listen and pay attention 'yep, even if it bores me!'. I don't have to wait on him hand and foot, but I need to let him know he's number 1 in my life and treat him as such. <P>It's not hard to do if you concentrate on the 'good' of it rather than your hurt and dissapointments. Also, take a part of each day and make it 'just for you'. Do something YOU enjoy, just for yourself, that will put a smile on your face. This is very important, especially when you are stretched so thin lately.<P>BTW, my son had the beautiful swingset, the attraction doesn't last long. A garden hose with dripping water gets more attention. If you think the swingset is so important, ask her if she'd rather have no toys and a happy daddy, or all the toys in the world and daddy can move out (child support can surely buy all these things you always wanted that others have.....) Sorry, didn't want to be rude, but I have lived this already. Just hoping to give you some insight and wishing you the best during this tough journey.<P>Shepette

Hello Shepette, Thank-you for your candid response and the time you took to reply. It means so much. I don't know your story yet (I will soon) but you're SO right about both of us having spent most of the last two years LB'ing. You're also right that I definitely want to do everything I can to SAVE this marriage. I'm just a little confused as to how to do this since my H just continues to pull towards leaving us more each day. Is that what happened with your H at first? <P>The duct tape idea is a good one (even made me crack a grin!). Seriously, I really have to learn to just keep it shut. <P>You sound you like you've been to hell and back which makes me sad for you but also inspires me to pick myself up off the ground since it also sounds as if you've made it back. I look forward to reading more of your posts.<P>God Bless...