I read your last reply to my most recent thread. As I said before, it's eerie how similar our situations are. I just wanted to start a new thread and let you know a little of my "history" for comparison.<P>My W told me last November that she was unhappy and gave me several reasons why. My angry outbursts and criticism were the biggest reasons. They were legitimate reasons and I immediately began seeing a therapist to get help with these problems. It was shortly after our "talk" that she began contact with OM outside of work, although it may have been before. They were in a Junior Achievement program together one night a week after work that started in September. I didn't know about him at the time. Within a couple of weeks after our "talk", she began going out after JA. I didn't think much of it, I thought she was just trying to have a little fun and get her mind off our problems. As weeks went by she began staying out later and later. This continued until JA ended in late January. She doesn't know that I know he was in JA with her. It obvious to me now that this is how their "friendship" started to evolve, same as your H.<P>She became increasingly more detached emotionally as the months went by and all intimacy/affection was gone. It was in January that I first learned of OM. Something in my gut told me I was missing something, so I looked in my W's purse, turned on her cellphone and found his # stored on it. She caught me and I asked who he was. She said a friend from work that she talks to about our problems. I asked why she talks to him and not a girlfriend or one of her sisters. She said she needed to talk to someone who didn't know me and could be objective. A few days later her cellphone bill came in and I found a couple of dozen calls to him from mid Dec. to mid Jan. She found out I went over her bill and was furious. She started with "we're just friends...if you don't trust me...". I felt so guilty because of her unhappiness and for snooping that I let it go (BIG MISTAKE).<P>In February we began counseling for a short time. During counseling, I learned that my W has some serious self esteem issues (as do I). She is from a big family and always felt that nothing she said mattered and that she could never please her parents. Also, as a teenager, she felt fat and unattractive. She never dealt with these feelings. She just buried them. It seems that my behavior towards her over the years made her feel the same way. As often is the case, she is blaming me for all her unhappiness (sound familiar?). I'll agree that my behavior reinforced those feelings, but they were there way before me. Anyway, counseling was a disaster. I don't think either of us were prepared for what it would be like, we didn't handle it well and the counselor had no control of the sessions, so it didn't last long. <P>It was shortly after this that she asked for a separation. I agreed to leave for a month, with reservations. I suspected that her relationship with OM was progressing and I was right. I think you know the rest of the story (the tape recorder, phone records, her trip to Florida with OM, etc.). It's well documented in my earlier threads.<P>D-day was 4/28. Since then, much of what's happened to me is very similar to what you've gone through with your H (frequent D talks, sleeping on the couch, mood swings, etc.) except my W has continued to deny A and it still very much alive. <P>That's enough for now. I just wanted you to see the similarities in of respective situations, although you appear to be on the road to recovery and I'm much closer to D.<P>sad dad<P> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by sad dad (edited August 15, 2001).]

sad dad- thanks for filling me in on the sequence of what's been going on with you. I am interested in your story since it is so similar to mine and it is the hardest type of A to recover the marriage from. If you want good info. about the psychological factors that make a person prone to infidelity read Emily Brown's book Patterns of Infidelity and their Treatments. Its available on Amazon. It has info in it I havent seen anywhere else and I've read at LEAST 20 books on causes of affairs- I used to be a journalism major so I read alot. She describes the full story behind split-self affairs and exit affairs- these are the ones with the highest emotional components. I thought my H was in an exit affair but it turned out he was in a split-self affair. Its a whole different type. You will feel better about waiting this out if you know what you are truly dealing with. Keep posting! lifeismessy PS reconciling has proven to be even tougher than I imagined- we are both struggling alot with it. Our intimate life is better than it even was before but the emotional work is VERY hard- especially since my H has a very difficult time expressing his feelings to me or even himself

LIM,<P>I glad you are interested in my story. I looked up Emily Brown's website, but haven't bought the book. To tell you the truth, I need to take a little break from reading. The books I've read have been insightful, but a case of information overload. <P>I was emailing a friend earlier today who has been helping me throughout this ordeal (he survived an affair last year and is somewhat of an expert on them). I told him that although my emotional estrangement from my W has been going on since November, I only learned about the A about 4-1/2 months ago and d-day was only 3-1/2 months ago. That's a relatively short period of time, although it seems like forever. From what I've read in SAA, the general time frame for affairs to unravel is about 6 months after they are exposed. That time period varies obviously, but I've got to remember that the clock started ticking on d-day, not back in November, not that I'm putting some time limit on the situation. <P>We also discussed the changes I've made. I was very quick tempered and critical. Now I'm much more even keeled and composed. I know these changes are here to stay because I see the affect they've had on my relationships with my daughter, friends, co-workers, etc., as well as the affect they've had on the way I've handle this situation. Until the fog starts to lift, my W will probably not really notice or believe they are permanent. She's got to hold onto her "old" image of me as long as she can so she can continue to justify what she's doing. <P>It comes down to time and patience. I've got the time and I'm working on the patience day by day. Have a good night and I hope things continue to go well for you and your H in the months to come. <P>sad dad

just moving up