I call my H to ask him about something from work. He responds on the cell phone angrily telling me that he's busy, that he told me not to bother him unless critical and I should just move on. I then wonder if he's alone and I've interrupted something. I call him back an hour later just to ask how he is because his anger worries me and that I'm honestly worried about him. He seems much calmer now and says that he has quite a few things on his plate. My H just calls ME this time and says, he needs some time alone so he won't be home for supper tonight. I respond calmly, Fine. Do what you have to do. Since my mother is watching my D, he says, do you mind driving her home? I say No. He then says, do you really not mind? I say Yes. He then changes his mind and says, Well, as long as you leave me alone at home, I won't go anywhere. It's just not fair to you or to me what is going on. I say, You're right. We say good bye and hang up. He then calls ME again and says to be extra careful driving home since it's rainy and slippery. I say, thanks for caring. We say goodbye and hang up. What is going on? Someone, just tell me that this is a fine example of WAFFLING?

Hi Terrified,<P>Yep ... That's Waffling. I believe the Waffling comes from being conflicted between what he knows is right and what he thinks he wants, which is wrong. He harbors anger within himself from it, and I'm sure it's painful for him, that is, when he's not feeling euphoric because of OP, which is fleeting.<P>Just try to stay on course, and remind yourself constantly that what he does and says does not control how you feel. You are the strong one!<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 17, 2001).]

Jo, you're so kind to respond quickly. I'm actually truly worried about my H's state of mind. When you say fleeting, do mean that he's trying to hold on to what he thought it was because in his mind he doesn't want to let go?<P>So, do think waffling is a good thing?<P>Hugs<P>

Oh Boy, do I relate!!! Tuesday, he tells me he wants our marriage and hopes it's not too late. He takes me out and buys me a new wedding ring. Today, he's treating me like I am responsible for him not being able to see or talk to OW. I feel like a leper. All I did was call and ask how his day is, and I feel like it pissed him off. This after I made his lunch for him (at 12:00 last night while he was fast asleep); I also put a cute little "pick me up" note in it. I hung up feeling like this is a TOTAL WASTE OF MY TIME. I guess what my friend who's been through this just told me is true...at this point, I should expect NOTHING in return for my hard work. She tells me he notices it though. So we plod on!

Terrified boy do I know what y0u mean! My WH is so inconsistent I don't know which personality I'll have to deal with from day to day. This has been a god week for us the first in a long time. We have not argued for almost a full week. Last night he snapped at me and then quicky apologized and said he was a little tired but didn't mean to snap at me. Although he's not living at home or going to counseling with me he says he doesnt want to argue with me. He usually comes over or calls every night. I want to believe that he may be starting to come out of the fog but I think it's to soon to really tell. Hang in there!<BR>cybil

That's possible, Terrified.<P>In their minds, when letting go of OP or their Fantasy of them, they think they're letting go of hope ... they experienced good feelings (an illusion) from that fantasy, and ending it is very painful.<P>I can't say that waffling is good or bad. But certainly it can't be all bad. It's better he waffle then make up his mind to be with OP, no?<P>Terrified, I understand your concern for your H. I don't know that your H is any more severe than most the WS on here. But I don't know your H like you do. I would think probably all of his behavior right now is scaring you, because he certainly isn't himself. Unfortuntely, that is typical for a WS. I experienced the same with my H. That's why we say they were abducted by Aliens. They aren't themselves. It's a bit frightening at times, isn't it.<P>You're gonna be okay and I believe he is in no immediate harm. Be there for him when he needs you. But do take care of you too! You're just as important, Hon.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>

Hi T,<P>Waffle, pancake, etc. Call it what you like the recipe is that he is confused and acting out of frustration. Remember he wants you to argue with him and not say yes soo easily. When you do, you upset his 'script' and removed his reason to be angry at you. Good......<P>They keep trying. Why? Because they want you to make decisions for them and then blame you for it. Don't let it happen. <P>Looks like you did good. <P>L. <BR>

Oh yes- this is SO common- I am glad I found out about it here while my H was in it majorly- some days I felt like I was on Jerry Springer fighting OW for him and other days I felt like we were on Love Boat. What a nightmare it was and it went on like that for months. Now I think I am qualified to write story lines for soap operas! I am just glad I stuck to my guns and refused to agree to a divorce- H often told me "We need to talk' then he'd launch into all the reasons our marriage could never work out and why I should agree to a dissolution.( mutual simple divorce in OH) I told NO WAY would I ever sign anything saying our marriage is over. Instead I told him he'd have to file grounds on me then I would contest it and go for main custody then move near relatives and start my whole life over! ( checked with my attorney too who said I could do this) Now that brought him out of the fog along with several months of Plan A. lifeismessy

After the "day" waffling I experienced yesterday, he ends up kissing me, I mean really deeply kissing for the first time in SO long. It felt wonderful even if he says it's only physical. Inconsistency continues...

I agree with everyone of you. My WH is waffling. He is staying at a friend's "trying to find himself". Ah-h-h-WAFFLING. <P>I truly cherish every moment that we have together, while he is waffling.