This is a post from Sheba in Response to Alone1, Sheba is a well respected Old Timer on the forum. I thought it a good read and may help some us in reinforcing our resolve: (Sheba, if you're out there, I hope you don't mind )<P>****************************************************<BR>Hi Alone1 -<BR>Nice to hear from you Beth....<P>No, having contact with H makes me feel good....it's not hard at all!!!<P>The hardest part of all of this was NOT being able to communicate with him. I worked very hard to lead the way with how I wanted any potential relationship to be for the future.....whether together or apart. I wanted to have him in my life.<P>So, I guess I learned how to work through my emotions.....it's a process and takes time and thought training so that you can keep a forward movement going within yourself.<P>I was stuck in pain, frustration, speculation and confusion for so long that I didn't really have any movement.<BR>Once I discovered MB and the process of affairs, needs, etc. - I was able to end the paralysis I felt and start to live again.<P>I needed a course of action...something to give me some stability and purpose - goals, if you will.<P>The first thing I did was look deep inside myself and discover what it was that I truly wanted. I wanted my H in my life. Of course, as my Husband..but if he didn't agree....would I want to never see or talk to him again? Would I live happily in the future if things were left angry, hurtful and without some sort of understanding and compassion between us? If we ended up divorced, did I want it to be like we had never been such a huge part of each other's existance? Did I want to look back and remember my marriage as an angry, hurtful or wasted period of my life? The answer to these questions was NO!!!<P>So, what did I need to do to make it possible that these things wouldn't happen? I needed to understand that H is/was hurting, scared and searching for something.....<P>I needed to remember that he is/was a good person who got lost.....and consequently, so did I.<P>I needed to not react to his cruelty or selfishness and to realize that it was not AIMED at me on purpose....I was just in the way of the fall-out from his own personal mini-war he had going on inside. No, he didn't think of its effects on me.....he only knew what it did for himself. He was blinded by his own thought patterns....whether real or fantasized. I didn't fit in except for justifications and guilt pangs, as well as a roadblock to overcome.<P>I needed to accept that H and I were at a crossroads for a reason....what that reason is exactly I didn't know. But I knew that we were out of sync - out of touch with ourselves and each other. Something major had to change. This was the road to that change.<P>I needed to realize that OW (or OW's) weren't the cause.....just the solutions in his mind. Therefore, they didn't require my focus...I had to concentrate and work on my part in or what I could do to address the "cause" of what led to where we were. <P>I needed to realize that I couldn't control his thoughts, actions, words, etc. BUT I COULD control mine!!! So I had better start doing so.....else I was avoiding the problems just as he was.<P>I needed to start feeling better...what do I do to get that happening? I can't keep looking for him to make it happen. This is my job to do - not his....even in a great marriage state. When did I stop making myself happy? Was it when I dropped my care of everything else but all-consuming thoughts of "him" and "the problems and pain"? <P>Have I turned into someone else? Am I me anymore? Well, I want to change back!!! I want to be the woman I was. I don't like where I am now with myself.<P>Making those decisions helped me to act like the person I wanted to be. I didn't want to be an emotional cripple anymore....so I stopped!!! I had the power to all along and just didn't know it!!! It is all how we process our thoughts. That's the key......<P>I always could talk to H about anything.<BR>That was a major connection with us. Even throughout the years of affairtime, he would tell me things. Yes, It hurt terribly but it was at least a show of that connection we have. <P>When the lawyers got involved, that stopped for the most part.....it was awful!!! I never want it to be like that again with him. Fortunately, as soon as we were declared divorced, he was able to reestablish that communicative connection between us again.....and it was because I had kept steady in my desire for it and providing a caring and safe atmosphere for him to feel comfortable when he was ready. <P>All of these things occurred through a progressive process......I became very aware of my emotional processing....if I realized that I was getting a bit stuck in a negative emotion, I did something to change it and start that forward movement again. I refused to trap myself in another emotional cage, like at the beginning.<P>This was all pretty much accomplished with Plan A.....it's what I gained from Plan A, anyway.....and seeing that H felt a safe atmosphere with which to start talking positively and respectfully to me again.....I think it worked as much as possible for now in regards to him also.<P>Does any of this help Beth? Can you make some decisions and set up some "goals" for yourself using this?<P>Why do you think you are so emotional still? Do you feel that you have had forward movement for yourself? Do you think that you are stuck? What would help you to start being you again?<P>Why so much thought on OW? Does it do you any good? Does it really address anything? Is it keeping the "blame" on someone else rather than looking at cause?<P>I will gladly work through this with you is you want.....to discover what kind of goals might help you.......<P>Let me know OK? <P>Hang in There.....it can be better, and it will...with time, some introspection, some purposeful goals and lots of compassion and thinking.<P>BIG HUGS, Strength and Prayers,<P>Sheba<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Wow Jo,<P>This is a good post to remember. Helps us settle on the real focus points. Right now for me it is getting OW out of my life. I can see that I eventually need to get to where Sheba is. <P>Being settled helps calm the nerves. I can be more focused on the other parts of my life (the normal ones). I am learning to smile again yet I am very angry at all the lost time. A part of my life and more importantly a part of my child's life was lost during this A war. I am not sure if I can ever get over that. <P>How are you doing? I am home for most of the day. Doing small errands. What a way to spend one's 11th anniversary? Oh well. I will do something for myself tomorrow. H can come if he wants, again it is for me. Am I being selfish? Yes. Surprisingly enough, I am not sorry about it. I have, we have suffered enough pain. I have not had any real fun time for myself since beofre all this stuff happend. Over 1 year. No more. While I will not be crazy about putting myself first, I know tomorrow is a needed treat. Going to an morning jazz brunch held weekly at a hotel here in SF, CA. Think it will be fun. Definitely different. <P>Take Care and thanks for this post. I will save it with my other MB treasures. <P>L.

Jo, thanks for posting this. I like it! <P>Seems lots of us could use this right now.