You mentioned in another post that you feel like no one can be faithful anymore. I felt compelled to respond, b/c that's what I've been feeling like lately. I am having a really hard time trusting ANYONE.<P>H and I are in recovery. Things are going quite well too.<P>We had a talk the other night, about OW#1 (a former friend of mine for over 2 yrs), and how I cannot find it in myself to forgive her. We talked about so many people in our lives (who we thought were friends) who were actually enabling the situation of his A's.<P>That really pisses me off!! <P>There is this one guy friend of H's, they've known each other for a few years, he would come over to our house regularly, we'd invite him and his son for dinner (he's a single dad), and they even worked together for a summer in '99. He used to always tell H how he envied him for having a wife to come home too, blah blah blah. You know what? Anytime they talked during our separation, he was always encouraging H to go out and meet someone, go get laid, have some fun, etc. What an a$$!!! Thankfully, H sees that now too, and they haven't spoken in a few months.<P>Then there's OW#1's mum. She sent her own separate sympathy card when Andrew passed away. She enabled her daughter to screw around with my H!! How? By watching her dd (little brat) whenever she asked her to. She must have known what was going on. She couldn't be THAT blind. But then again, maybe she was. After all, she was married to a flasher for 25 yrs who was always on 'business trips' (in reality, jail time for his actions).<P>There were some other mutual friends (or so I thought) that were quite the backstabbers. One woman, who actually looked after our 2 yr old during Andrew's funeral (her boyfriend at the time had been living with us, and was one of the pallbearers), tried to make friendly with both of us. Only problem was, anything I told her in confidence, she turned around and told H about.<P>There are others, but none of them do I have anything more to do with. I don't trust them anymore. They betrayed both H and I, by taking sides. Thankfully, H doesn't want anymore to do with them either.<P>I am so scared about meeting new friends out there. Who can we trust? No one, so it seems... It's a shame.<P>Sorry for the vent, but your post gave me reason to start something on this.<P>Is there anyone else out there who feels the same way?<P>Karen<BR>

My wife has really exchanged her "old" friends for a new set who behave the same way she does. Not many of the "old" friends know what's going on, specifically. They almost have to know something's up, but they're not enabling.<P>- Tom

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Like you, I also found out how unreliable and hurtful "friends" can be. When my H and I were separated for 9 months because of what I thought was EA with my ex best friend, some of the people I loved the most said the most awful things. Including:<P>his sister-well there are a LOT of good reasons for divorce<BR>his mom-all feelings are ok (even his feelings for my best friend!)<BR>his dad-it takes 2 to make a marriage (I was on the phone with them when my H was next door with her in her bedroom while her H was out of town at the time)<BR>our best friend (to H)-they were in a bar. He said "just think, you could **** any woman you wanted!"<BR>our best man-I don't see anything terribly wrong with trying to make yourself happy<BR>another male friend said to me-you have to admit, her smile lights up a room<BR>a girlfriend-whatever has happened, I know she didn't intentionally hurt you (after having sex with him in her car, at her house, making out at our office AND being with him in MY BED) yeah, right<P>As you can see, I am still very hurt by all of this. It's very hard to be around his family because they basically abandoned me when I needed them the most. Now that I know the truth, that it was very physical, I can't tell them and my counselor says I have to pray he will. I no longer feel as close to these 'friends' and yes, I guess I am holding a grudge. But when somebody is hurting so much because their husband is cheating on them with somebody they loved very much, a little compassion and empathy would be nice.<P>My H's and friend's betrayal was double the pain for me, and the words of others only compounded it! Good luck, it will take time. I'm not ready to forgive her yet, I loved her too much. She won't admit to the affair and basically blamed ME, can you beat that?<P>

maggierose: Nope, can't beat it, but I can join in (sigh!). OW#1 never admitted the A to me either (even AFTER H confessed after my confrontation with proof). And yes, I too was blamed.<P>Silly us!!! Imagine having a female friend! Let's see, we're not allowed to have male friends either (just in case! grin). That doesn't leave much, does it? Hmmm.. dogs are man's best friend... what about women??? LOL. CATS??? roflmao!<P>Karen<BR>

Topie25---I have been amazed at all the responses from friends and family. They cannot believe that WS would do something like this to me. He is diabled and I have stood by him through thick and thin. My WS is very much alone in this and no one is encouraging him to mess around....only OW, I am sure.<P>I mentioned that I do not think I can ever trust another man. What causes someone to do this is beyond my understanding. I was the one that was so lonely and felt such rejection cause my H only wanted to do his thing which excluded me alot. I had 3 opportunities to get involved with other men but I was aware and drew the line. Now maybe if Brad Pitt or Mel Gibson was knocking on my door then I would probably have fallen. <P>It seems to be such an epidemic going on where people can't be faithful or committed. I fear another man doing this to me again. I wonder if I am the reason and if I would "cause" this again cause of my weaknesses and failures. What a merry-go-round. I hope these thoughts don't find a permanent home in my mind. <P>I do have trusted friends and family. Maybe choosing different friends is something needed in your case. Also maybe some distance from relatives that are not suportive. <P>You definitely need to keep posting and rely on the friendships and support here.<P>TW

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by maggierose:<BR><B><BR>a girlfriend-whatever has happened, I know she didn't intentionally hurt you (after having sex with him in her car, at her house, making out at our office AND being with him in MY BED) yeah, right<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's a result of living in an anti-intellectual 'whatever-feels-good-do-it' culture. I was absolutely stunned when my father was PRAISING my younger brother for leaving his wife and austistic son for a 21 year old girl by saying "at least he made a decision." My God. At least my mother and sisters know right from wrong and let him have it. <P>But this is a prevailing attitude right now, the poison of moral relativism where any and all feelings are valid simply because we have them. However, thinking people can see the problems with that principle when you draw it out to it's logical conclusion, ie: if ALL feelings are "ok" then murderers and child molestors are justified using that logic. I think that is only part of the problem; the other half is a prevailing moral cowardice where people are afraid to openly distinguish right from wrong for fear of being labled "judgmental." It is now considered lofty to not be able to distinguish right from wrong. Amazing.

I just had to throw my two cents in on this subject. I have a great support system my family and true friends are the best. You really find out who your friends are when your life has been shattered. The one that floors me is my in-laws. They live in a different state far away from us and we only see them every few years. We usually call them because MIL just doesn't call us not even to speak to her grandchildren anyway when I first called her to let them know what was going on she said that we've had problems and need to work on them. She also said that they did not want to get involved. Okay I can understand that to a point he is their son. She has not called one time since we've been seperated to see how I am or how the kids are doing. I've called left messages no return calls. This year is the first in 16 yrs, that she has not even sent me a b-day card. That really hurt. So now I feel as though even if things ever do work out between my H and I I can't forgive her for this. How can she be so cold hearted? Beats me but I'm not losing any sleep over it. One more thing there are so many people out there that are just casual accquaintances but because youre life is in turmoil they feel the need to make it a point to see how you're doing just to get the scoop so they can gossip to someone else. You know that their lives aren't perfect either if they have to worry about other peoples business! To those people they can all kiss my a** because I don't owe them anything! <BR>cybil

I have great friends and wonderful family and all the support that I need. H does not, and I feel bad for him there is only one the is encouraging this for him and that is OW><P>H did not tell anyone, I still think that he is afraid too as he does know that what he is doing is wrong and doesn't want anyone to confirm it for him.<P>I did tell his best friend from HS that also knows the OW and he has tried to intiate a conversation with H about it to no avail, but has been a wonderful support to me.<P>H sister figured something was up by the e mails that I had sent and H was to tell her and parents when he took kids to visit for a long weekend and he didn't so sister finally asked me and I told as I thought he had already. She told their mother who wont tell his father as he couldn't handle the stress. The sister and I have become better friends as she has been going thru the same thing for 2.5 years. He is still her brother and loves him but then so do I still and I try not to bad talk him.<P>The one and only firend that H told and I expected so much more from this friend (mutual friend) is a minister and he didn't blast H (which I think H was looking for, as a wake up call) just said sometimes you can't live with the people you love. I still haven't e mailed the firend back I was so dissappointed in him. H after that said "You know most everyone I know has been divorced and I said yeah I know that is why what we have is so special"<P>My immediate family has been great, they are buying a house so that my kids and I will have a place to live, as I can't qualify for fiancing without a Divorce and I just won't ask or pursue that, and they understand that, so I was pretty stuck living with them, now perhaps they our buying the house for their own benefit to get me and my kids out of theirs, I am not sure! Ha. Sense of humor, just beats it all.<P>Dawn