<BR> chazbutler<BR>Member posted August 30, 2001 04:22 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>faith,<BR>were all interested, ask a follow up question, feed off what been written and propose a course of action then we can jump in and tell you how it might work or not work in the givin situation, <P>i know you want more input, but I for one need more handles to grab on to in order to give input.<P>so tell us whats going on in you head, what your thinking about doining or planning, whats your plan of attack how are you addressing the issues at hand.<P>ill keep checking in but if you want more youve got to provide the path.<P><BR>IP: Logged<BR> <BR>faith4us<BR>Junior Member posted August 30, 2001 09:17 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Thanks Chaz for responding.....Well let me tell you where we are now..<BR>H is still at home...<BR>Today we discussed the fantasy football issue. As I have stated before, he has been participating in this for a number of years at work and actually started the league...All the players expect him to play....he has had a very difficult time giving this up...OW is the only woman playing in the league....After some discussions today ...I asked him how I could trust him to just play with the other memebers and not use the chat room as a means to communicate with OW......he told me that he could handle it and that I could have his passwords and monitor the activity.....to just trust that he would not attempt any contact with her.....I ask him what about the weeks he plays her....he said he would just set his lineup and not have a discussion with her on the game....let the game play and move to the next week....I explained to him that if there was any evidence of communication between them that I would not tolerate it and he would have to move out......no more chances...we are through with those....Be sure because this is big risk......to me it is like dangling a carrot in front of a horse and not expecting the horse to grab it....he says he can handle it....I will be monitoring the activity....do you think I caved in and shouldn't have done it....I am trying to work with him but I don't want to hurt us in the process.....enabling him......Also, I have quit asking details about the relationship.....I have just started focusing on making our home as peaceful, loving, (from a distance) nice as I can.....trying to meet his needs....speaking of needs, he hasn't touched me since Feb and doen't want any sexual contact with me at all.....he says that since he has no feelings for me he doesn't feel right touching me.....this is the hardest for me.....I don't know what to do about this.....just wait him out???? I sure am not going to pressure him in any way.....I think he is in withdrawal over OW (it has only been a week and a half since he told her they were through) and coupled with the fact that he has no feelings for me....this is what he is struggling with the hardest...staying at home in a loveless relationship with me, thinking there is little hope of recovering any feelings for me and then giving up OW and thinks he will never be happy....What should I do at this critical stage.....pressure to go ahead and move away from OW completely? or just see what happens for awhile.....<BR>------------------<BR>always-faith4us<P> Today, Friday August 31st....<BR>We have had a nice enjoyable afternoon....went for lunch and just talked about our children and plans for the future...things to be done around the house.....plans for the fall.....just nice conversation...after two weeks of pure hell, this is nice for both of us.....I hate to spoil it by bringing up any issues....I think I will just try and make the weekend as enjoyable as possible and not bring up anything.....your thoughts.........<BR>A note to s&l - I appreciate your latest feedback (in another post) some of it hard to swallow but I need to hear the truth.<BR>s&l - are you a born again Christian?<P>Chaz, I hope you respond to my posting.....Thanks!<BR><P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

faith,<BR>I read in some other posting "it is better to be in a relationship than have a conversation about a relationship" - just enjoy your weekend.<BR>Good Luck and may God bless you and your family

smile, thanks! for the words of encouragement...I have only been posting here this week but have been reading several postings over the last couple of weeks.....it is very insightful to hear what everyone else is going through and the honesty here is so helpful....I just pray that God will restore all these relationships and touch the hearts of all involved and work many, many miracles.....when you know someone understands what you are going through, it makes the journey a little more tolerable.....have a great 3 day weekend....<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Today we discussed the fantasy football issue. As I have stated before, he has been participating in this for a number of years at work and actually started the league...All the players expect him to play....he has had a very difficult time giving this up...OW is the only woman playing in the league....After some discussions today ...I asked him how I could trust him to just play with the other memebers and not use the chat room as a means to communicate with OW......he told me that he could handle it and that I could have his passwords and monitor the activity.....to just trust that he would not attempt any contact with her.....I ask him what about the weeks he plays her....he said he would just set his lineup and not have a discussion with her on the game....let the game play and move to the next week....</B><P>Trust him?? yea sure, and if you lie next to me naked masterbating i promise i wont look. either hes off the league or she is. why cant he remove her from the league, he might have to play her games to keep it moving but whatever. no contact is NO CONTACT. all playing the game with her will do is generate good feelings and memories not a good plan.<P><B>I explained to him that if there was any evidence of communication between them that I would not tolerate it and he would have to move out</B><P>fair enough<P><B>......no more chances...we are through with those....Be sure because this is big risk......to me it is like dangling a carrot in front of a horse and not expecting the horse to grab it....he says he can handle it....I will be monitoring the activity....do you think I caved in and shouldn't have done it....I am trying to work with him but I don't want to hurt us in the process.....enabling him......</B><P>if the league is important to him he should kick her off. yea i think you caved in. try to be more creative in the alternatives, theres alway more than one solution.<P><B>Also, I have quit asking details about the relationship.....[b]<P>Ive always maintained that its the marriage and the details and honesty about it thats really important, how the OW may or may not have met needs is important only in the sense that he need to be honest about how much that impacted him. so that you have a fair shot at meeting those needs in the future. he is not protecting you by witholding that data, he and you hurt your chances when your not honest about what you want and need.<P>[b]I have just started focusing on making our home as peaceful, loving, (from a distance) nice as I can.....trying to meet his needs....speaking of needs, he hasn't touched me since Feb and doen't want any sexual contact with me at all.....he says that since he has no feelings for me he doesn't feel right touching me.....this is the hardest for me.....I don't know what to do about this.....just wait him out????</B><P>initiate initiate initiate. men know and your H is clearly aware that Intimacy comes to them though sex, he avoids it because he has to keep his thoughts clear of you and having sex just muddies the water. having sex with him will have an effect. but he really wants an emotional connection with you more right now. sex likely wouldnt hurt that, but he thinks it might.<P><B>I sure am not going to pressure him in any way.....I think he is in withdrawal over OW (it has only been a week and a half since he told her they were through)</B><P>its hard the withdrawl it horrible, i remember just sobbing, the worst thing i can remember about the whole thing.<P><B>and coupled with the fact that he has no feelings for me....</B> <P>he has feelings, just not the same ones hes been having with OW, its important to clue into what those were and find a way to generate some of your own. and while he is in contact with her, he will resist them from you. NO CONTACT><P><B>this is what he is struggling with the hardest...staying at home in a loveless relationship with me, thinking there is little hope of recovering any feelings for me and then giving up OW and thinks he will never be happy....What should I do at this critical stage.....pressure to go ahead and move away from OW completely?</B><P>YES YES YES YES YES!<P>you wont be able to break in to the best friend spot until the other best friend is out of it!<P><B>or just see what happens for awhile.....<BR></B><P>be active no matter what have a plan do track what your doing make it an effective plan dont let things slide or forget what the objective is, keep your eye on the ball!<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Chaz<BR>I knew I made a bad decision....even with me monitoring the activity.....boy I blew this one.....now what? just live with the decision.....I will focus on the move at work....he is getting reasigned to a new team but on the same line with her...not moved to another area of the plant...just maybe 50 feet or so away....not far enough....I will work on this...you are right...the other best friend has to be completely out of the picture before his may change for me....I may initiate some contact with him (sexually) in a week or so if he doesn't first...he has said some very hurtful things to me about my weight...(I am not real fat, just a little chunky) that has bothered/hurt me deeply...the OW is tall and skinny....I am short and chunky...so I am feeling some what self conscience about my body and really scared to initiate anythng with him.....Thank you for your insight and I hope I don't make another mistake through this process...I will be active trying to make something happen and not just wait and see.....Thanks!<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

Just a bump up to keep from rolling to page two....if anyone has any comments on my lastest response to Chaz's comments.....<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by faith4us:<BR><B>Chaz<BR>I knew I made a bad decision....even with me monitoring the activity.....boy I blew this one.....now what? just live with the decision.....</B><P>its entirely alright to admit you made a mistake, and re-address the issue. just work it out with him, dont come at him like your right, admit your failing, tell him your sorry but you made a mistake. get the deal worked out the negotiation is never over.<P><B>I will focus on the move at work....he is getting reasigned to a new team but on the same line with her...not moved to another area of the plant...just maybe 50 feet or so away....not far enough....I will work on this...you are right...the other best friend has to be completely out of the picture before his may change for me....</B><P>just remember how you felt about that song you and your first boyfriend had, how it made you feel long after he was gone, seeing her is like that song only 1000 times more powerful.<P><B>I may initiate some contact with him (sexually) in a week or so if he doesn't first...</B><P>good for you!<P><B>he has said some very hurtful things to me about my weight...(I am not real fat, just a little chunky) that has bothered/hurt me deeply...the OW is tall and skinny....I am short and chunky...so I am feeling some what self conscience about my body and really scared to initiate anythng with him.....</B><P>your size probably has real little to do with how atractted to you he is, it is so much more about attitude than looks, the way you are is what makes you desireable. dont worry about how you look, take it from a guy whos been around the block with over 100 women, when it comes down to it, looks arnt what keeps men. attitude is. <P><B>Thank you for your insight and I hope I don't make another mistake through this process...I will be active trying to make something happen and not just wait and see.....Thanks!<P></B><P>talk to him dont be hysterical, be as fun and energetic as you can be. make him remember the good times! and convince him that there are more to come!<P><BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>