W/s was over last night , she said with a tear in her eye she misses me , said she needs to talk to me at least once a day , she also says shes worried about what me and the kids think of her and thats real important to her . She also says shes looking for approval for what she is doing .<BR>Needs approval? we continued to talk agreeing that small steps are what we have to take . she says good bye and goes to om home to stay the night . Is she puffing alittle smoke up my a**?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Colfax Bear:<BR><B> She also says shes looking for approval for what she is doing .<BR>Needs approval? we continued to talk agreeing that small steps are what we have to take . she says good bye and goes to om home to stay the night . Is she puffing alittle smoke up my a**? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>She goes home to OM and she wants approval???<BR>I think I'm confused too.<BR>Are you in plan A or plan B?<BR>You must be torn apart. How are your children?<P>Cerri

Cerri<BR>Plan A, kids both teenagers know about it and have had a chance to experience the fog first hand , they both have lost respect .

I didnt get home last night until late , w/s was visiting kids , she was worried where I was and if I was safe . Daughter had conversation with wife about councel . w/s told daughter about it and what will happen , how we would have to go about it Yada Yada Yada. She hasent even talked to me about it . I believe a good sign . God I hope so.

You can still love her but you don't have to approve of her A. I think she has to know that.<P>Boy is she in the fog!

I hope she wouldnt need my approval for her A , Boy I would be a real piece of work If I gave her that. <BR> I ask her at times if she has any questions of me ? You know questions of our relationship . she says yes at times but bye the time she gets to me she forgets or is to tired .<BR>That fustrates me because I want to be there for all her questions . I even told her if you have a question write it down so you can remember . all she says is ya Ill have to do that.

My w/s said that she has ups and downs ( emotional roller coaster) but she says that mine are excessive . My belief is that yes i do have extreem ups & downs on this ride but I have them now and hers have yet to start . Am I correct in my thinking ? Or should I be heading for the prozac bottle.I am allowing her here as much as she wants to see the kids but Im starting to think about cutting that off a plan B so to speak . I think that a shock to her system would be a good thing . or maybe she will just blow it off like so much of the other stuff. Im just venting.<BR>

Bear,<P>I'm right there with you on this one. My emotional roller coaster has been unbelievable. My WS hasn't even come close to experiencing what I have because she still has her OM around. Both of our spouses are deep in the fog. I know that this is a really difficult time for you. I too am considering Plan B but I don't yet have the courage to go through with it. I'm certainly no expert on our problem. Have you tried counseling? It has really helped me to keep my head clear and focused. Hang in there. Keep reading the posts from the more experienced members of MB and keep reading the books. With their help you will know when it's the right time to take action.

Still hanging , Yes i am in councling , he does a lot of good he is unfamilliar with MB proceedures. but helps best he can . <BR> I faxed this today to w/s<BR> I love You, and I will accept you back with no questions asked,With helpand commitment this marriage can work and be better than it was ever thought to be .<P> She faxed back <BR> You caught me by suprize, Thats alot of sentiment to be sending by fax . I know you have alot of committment and I have no doubt about your sincerity. Love w/s<BR> Anybody?

Bear, <P>Good job on the fax and keep it up, however, I'm not surprised by the response; basically understanding to a degree but non-committal. I've gotten this response myself many times lately. I too have made absolutely sure that my WS knows that I love her and am committed to making our marriage better than ever and that she should not be afraid to come home to me. The frustrating thing is that even though she still loves me and cares for me the fog is still preventing her from truly protecting me and taking that next step of committment. From the posts of other WS's here on MB it sounds like it's a very scary stage for them. The bottom line is that you can't make your WS do or feel anything. They have to get there on there own. The difficult thing for me has been treading that fine line between Plan A and Plan B. If you see signs of progress, even little ones, stay with it. Be aware, however, that there will be steps backwards. As long as you can take it emotionally stay with it. I know that I've leanred a lot about patience these past months.

Colfax, I would be encouraged by your wife's confusion. She is obviously experiencing some conflicting emotions about living with OM away from her family, missing you, etc. Let her feel this!! These are the feelings which will make her rethink her decision, and these feelings will help drive a wedge between her and OM. How much do you think he likes to see her thinking and worrying about you? If possible, let her see you handling yourself well. If you are calm and pleasant it might increase her idea that you are desirable and necessary to her well-being.<P>Hope you don't mind advice from me since I'm not familiar with your whole story.<P>Rose Red

Hey Colfax......<BR>Wish I knew what to say that would make it better. <P>Plan A is a way to do your best to show your spouse that you can avoid doing things that hurt her AND do things that make her feel good. Obviously, that's horribly difficult when she is living with OM! <BR>IMO if you can do those two things, without losing your patience and more importantly, without losing your love for her, then keep on keeping on.<P>Plan B does a couple of things for you, but it is huge scary step. One, it keeps you from completely falling out of love with your WS. That will eventually happen if you are continually hurting because of her actions.<P>The other really important thing Plan B does is it stops you from meeting her EN. At first that might not sound like a good idea, but look at it this way. Right now, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants to have OM meeting some of her needs. But don't let that fool you into thinking you aren't meeting some as well. You are parenting her children, I assume you are providing for them (and maybe even her) financially, she is coming to you occassionally for conversation, and I hear you saying you are making efforts to meet her other needs.<P>In Plan B you would neither see nor speak to her. That would leave her out in the cold as far as you meeting any needs. that job will fall completely to OM. Unless he is some sort of demi-god he cannot possibly do what is best for her. <P>At first Plan B may drive her further into his life, and there is the risk she'll stay there. According to Harley, it is more likely she will realize that being with you is better for her and her children. Then hopefully the relationship with OM will end.<P>Really, only you know what is best for you right now. IMO she is taking advantage of your good heart. <P>Do you have any of the Harley books or tapes? I would reccomend "Surviving an Affair" Have you thought about counselling with Jenn or Steve? <P>Many wishes for you........<P>Cerri

Rose, Still Hanging, Lupo , Anybody.<BR>I welcome the advise it seems that I myself is in the fog and having other folks look at what was said helps me get a clear picture . Nothing wrong with another set of eyes .Thats what I came here for , all the help. Thanks to all . And I do pray for you guys also.

Cerri <BR>I have his needs and her needs , surviving an affair <BR>read both . I do feel like Im being used and at times I feel like doormat, But it sure feels good to see her .

Cerri,<BR>Good point about om not liking her coming over here. I never thought of that, do you think that they get jealous also? she comes over during the evening usually mon thru fri.she also stops in am. to have coffee the same days . Weekends are a different story Sat gone but she will call, Sun usually comes over in early evening.Now that I think about thats got to tick him off a bit. Ill try to keep it up. Thanks

uups , last post of mine was to Rose Not Cerri. Sorry guys .

Good for you, Bear! I'm sure he's subject to jealousy just like the BSes. He probably feels, in some twisted way, that you are taking her away from him. Hope this idea keeps your spirits up a little.<P>Rose Red

Rose <BR>Seriousley I never thought about jealous om , get caught up in all the emotion , cunfusion and never think about om except to kill.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Colfax Bear:<BR><B>Seriousley I never thought about jealous om , get caught up in all the emotion , cunfusion and never think about om except to kill. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>YUP, CB, they (apparently) get jealous, too!!! When WS starts to "come around" and spend time w or talk to BS, it triggers all types of thoughts and feelings in them....I think OP can "sense" it somehow and it creates jealousy.<P>I, myself, just found out that my H and OW are having some kind of "problem" startomg a few weeks ago.....coincided with MY calling him about a problem here at the house......and my Stepson telling his dad, "Well, Lupo, *IS* still your WIFE!!" <P>My personal "take" on that situation is that OW was jealous of my calling him and asking him for help w/plumbing!! See, WE become OP to our spouses in (actual) OP's eyes!! THEY think they are ENTITLED to "keep" our spouses and WE shouldn't interfere.....strangely twisted, ain't it?!?! <P>With that perspective, it becomes YOUR turn to "seduce" her away.....all the while Plan A'ing!!! OM has NO IDEA how to Plan A, so he starts to LB, and YOU become the "more attractive alternative." WHAT A COMPLETELY SIMPLE CONCEPT!! The Harley's are truly genius.......<P>Hang in there, CB, the more he LB's, the better YOU are going to look to her........I'm seeing it in MY OWN situation.......<P>As far as the fax goes, that's exactly the kind of stuff you should keep doing!!! Not often, not every day, even....just enough to KEEP "catching her by surprise..."<P>Lupo

Anybody on antidepresent? does it work ? ups and downs about it ? Today I am having a rough one Sat chores are done its raining out side I am bumed , I cant see how my wife is ever going to come back . Lost sight of my progress.<BR>Heck I lost sight of the whole thing . What do you folks do when this happens too you? Or am I the only that gets this .<BR>God I feel lost , This crap isnot fair.