My H moved to his sister's on Saturday. For those that don't know. H's A started sometime between 12/00 and 3/01. D-Day (official) was 5/6/01. I was in Plan A without knowing it all this time. Went to Plan B on 7/3. My H could not handle, came home on 7/6 (way too soon). Since 7/6, I have found out about continued contact with OW approximately 5 times. H lied each time, but faced with proof from me, would finally confess. On 9/11/01 (his 40th B-day), OW called him on his cell phone (she as at the pentagon when the plane hit). I have been checking H's cell phone with his permission. I guess he didn't think I'd notice the 10-minute long distance call. On 9/12 I confronted him, he lied until he knew he was busted. I also called OW that day at her hotel in VA. We talked for 35 minutes. She verified that they had in fact continued talking, she was his soulmate, she had seen him once or twice since the LAST time he sent "no contact" letter (which she returned to me, unopened). I have since found out from my H that the times he sent "no contact" letter before, he called her after they were mailed to tell her he didn't mean them. In other words, he was still waffling. This last time, I couldn't take it anymore and asked him to leave. On 9/20 when I got home from work, he handed me a letter with a "no contact" letter to OW. He claimed he put it on her front door. I have printed that letter here recently. The whole point of this long story is that he moved to his sister's last Saturday. He's continued talking to me, as he feels we need to share our feelings now. Yesterday, he came to mow the lawn (he INSISTS no one can do it as well as he can). He ended up staying the night. He plans to do the same on Wednesday and Friday. So, WHAT DO I DO. I still do not TRUST that this is over with OW. How do I after all the continued lies. I am so afraid to give my heart back to him, only to have him trample all over it. I feel almost like he's manipulating the situation again. I really feel I need some time to see if he's sincere, without seeing him. Consequences...I want him to have some. I've enabled him to continue talking to her to this point. I do not know what to do. Anybody???<P>MOM

Anybody?

MOM--<P>I don't have any advice. I am in the same boat as you!! My H hasn't seen any consequences of his actions, either. We don't tell the children. he can come home whenever he wants. I think we need to set boundaries, and then if the boundaries are crossed, then have actions for that---I don't know what that means, but have been thinking about it for awhile---<P>Separation is very difficult. My H lives and works 120 miles from me (and OW).....Good thing he is away from her, too. She lives in my town. uuuggg! He continues to come every weekend. He is here, but then he isn't!<P>All I say is keep up what you are doing---Hopefully he has realized you are the one, and be truthful to you!<P>Good luck,<BR>Krystal

Hi MOM. Your H knows he is staying with his sister. He is feeling his consequences, it is not your job to make him feel them even more than he already is. You cannot force him to feel anything. Only God can do that.<P>If YOU want him to stay over Wed and/or Friday, then let him. If you don't, then just say you would like to go to bed, can he please lock the door behind him when he leaves. Do not leave any questions as to what you want, don't be mean, just be short and to the point.<P>How do you know he expects to stay over these nights? Did he just say he was, or did he ask and you say yes? If you already said yes, well then, you shouldn't go back on it. If he just said he was staying, then just say you'd really like that but you feel like you need to be alone this time.<P>It is a good thing that he is suggesting this stuff, don't get all upset over it. Make SURE you make a point of saying how positive this stuff is to you, how you'd love to sleep with him, see him on this night, etc. Maybe in another month, right now, you just need time for yourself.<P>Make it about YOU, NOT about HIM. It's not that you don't want to see him, you want time for yourself. It's not that you don't want to sleep with him, you just need to feel better about the situation.<P>If he asks to come over, give him something to look forward to. "I can't wait until I feel better inside so we can do those things in another couple of weeks, etc."<P>Do NOT just blow him off. Give him hope while maintaining your distance.<P>Does that help?<BR>HbH

HBH,<BR>Thanks. I just wrote him a LONG e-mail. I'll post it here. I haven't sent it yet, I need to think. I've just gotten so very hurt and confused over all of this. I think he's created a fog for ME. I was always so sure of what I wanted. Now I'm afraid to go after it... Here's my e-mail. Remember, I haven't sent it yet, so maybe some advice on it would be good.<P>(H)<P>I will start this out by saying I love you. That being said, I have some other things I need to share with you without fear of you being upset with me. Can I do that? I hope so, because here goes.<P>I'm really scared. I'm scared to open my heart and my emotions to you. I'm afraid that your motivation for the letter to her was fear of losing the comfortable, material things we have built together. I'm fearful that you are still confused as to how you feel about me and whether or not we have a happy future together. I'm afraid that just as I begin to believe again, I will find evidence of more contact. I don't know how to believe in you. I want to desperately, I just don't know how to do that right now. I'm confused by our seeing each other. I love seeing you, but with doubts creeping in every other minute or so, I just don't know how to act around you. I'm still very hurt that you had such strong feelings for another woman after all we've been through over the years. I'm fearful that I will not measure up. I'm fearful because you have not been too open about what she was giving you that I wasn't, and so I don't know if I can ever make you as happy as you were when you were with her...<P>I'm angry that the only bad thing you can say about her is that she's not a great mom. What's to stop you from going back to her once the daughter is grown? Yes, I'm fearful of that as well. I'm fearful that you still have very strong feelings for her; that you didn't really see anything bad about her, and YES, if she didn't have a young daughter, that SHE would be your soulmate.<P>What do I do with all of these feelings? That's the part I can't figure out right now. I'm afraid if I don't talk to you or see you, that you'll go right back to her. I'm afraid that you're talking to her right now, as I'm writing this. What do I do with these feelings? There are times when I think it would be so much easier to just let you go and move on. I've even thought about letting you move home, be with the kids, and I'll get an apartment and do the "visitation" thing. But I don't want to leave the kids. You know the house doesn't matter to me; I could really live in a box, as long as I had someone that I KNEW without a doubt loved me, and wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. <P>So what do I do now???<P>(MOM)<P><BR>

Wow. I thought the first two paragraphs were awesome. Not so sure about the third, though. I don't think I'd mention the part about moving out and having visitation, just seems like a threat. <P>Perhaps just say you need time to sort it out. Time where you can think about what YOU want in life, without worrying what he is up to and who he is with. If you can see some time pass where he is not with OW in any way/shape/form, you can start to get answers to your questions, and start to trust him again, then it will help you figure out what you want.<P>You are not deserting him or saying you don't want to work things out, you are saying you are scared and confused and need time to see if you are up for the challenges that lie ahead.<P>What about MC? Perhaps put in there that you would like to start going again so it will help you figure things out. (BTW, I really think you need this).<P>Well, that sounded kind of sappy, but I think you get my gist...<P>HbH

Not sappy at all! Thanks for the input. We are going to continue our counseling individually, but even the counselor said that there wasn't too much point in it until my H commits fully to our marriage. I think he meant more than 5 days worth of commitment! I will rethink the 3rd paragraph of the letter. Thanks for much.<P>MOM

Hi Mom:<P>I am with you all the way! If you aren't sure that he is done with OP and you can't handle him living with you while you don't know - by all means make him proove it. If he is ready to come back to you/be honest with you...he should at least be willing to jump through a couple of hoops to proove it to you. You've prooved your love for him - you've stayed with him as he wantonly hurt you over and over....now make him show his hand....I don't recommend doing anything for "punishment" - I'm just not about that...but I do believe in self-preservation.<P>As soon as you know you are ready and he has "come back" to you completely- take him.<BR>Good luck Mom - I really hope this works out after all the time/tears and effort you've put into it.<BR>LLL