Well I majorly screwed up last night. I was extremely overwhelmed about finances and how I'm going to make it here keeping the house,paying for fuel just the basicnecessities and the holidays. H's reply was we'll manage. He's not here to deal with evrything I deal with on a daily basis. I was so beside myself that I washaving chest pains and my middle D called H and he came over. I was so frustrated that I just freaked out and threw a candle threw 2 pictures and broke the frames. Then i cried and felt like sh**. Why did I do that. I feel like a lunatic sometimes. What's wrong with me. Talked to H this morning because I didn't go to work. He said as far as he's concerned it's over we're done. I have been an emotional mess all day. He says he finds it hard to believe that I love him. I even suggested that I move out and he moves back home with the kids cause I really need a break. he said okay if I sign papers that I will not move back into the house. He will not stop me from seeing the kids. I don't know what to do. My life is so screwed up. Do I want my H to move back home yes. Do I want my marriage to work? Yes. Why won't he just give it another chance as I suggested a few days ago? Then if it doesn't work or one of us is not happy we have a clean break not regrets. h has alot of issues withme as far as our past. I was not the perfect wife. By that I mean I took care of the kids, the house, my job, never said no to anyone that needed my help. but I did say no to h alot. Never had the time to fulfill his EN's. I regret that every single day. He seems to think I only want him to come home to get us back on the road to financial recovery. Why does he not get it that I love him with all my heart and soul and want to be the best wife I can be. he says he loves me but is not in love with me(we've all heard that) he still feels close to me intimiately. he has been the only man for 16yrs. I have tried to hate him, ignore him, forget him and the feelings of love for him are still there. How do I move on when these feelings are still there? This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and it's so lonely not having someone to share your life with. I know I am not alone here but it truly feels that way. Now that the fall is here I have that feeling of impending doom. I don't want to do anything. don't want to go to work, clean the house, i just don't care about me in general. I can easily find a date or someone to be my companion but that's not want I want. I want my H back. Why can't he just go to a counselor either with me or without and deal with the issues that he has with me. He never wants to talk aboutus to him the same old BS. Today he said that we would never be intimate again. I get very emotional when we are I can't even begin to explain the emotions that I feel when we make love. Joy, sorrow, love, lust, pain. I'm so confused what do i do. There are days when I feel that I am so strong and then there are days when I feel like I do today weak, depressed no hope. Please if anyone can help me I am beyond despair. Is all hope lost for my M? <BR>c;(

cybil--<P>Boy...do I remember the emotional storms that I went through early on...but I had to get a grip...I knew it and so do you...that's why your here for help...<P>first...have you seen a professional...a counselor, doctor, or pastor? I went on Celexa and that helped to even out my moods!!<P>Second...about the emotions, I too used to throw things...so did H...then an odd thing happened our middle child turned into a whirlwind tantrum thrower...it was like watching H and I in action...it was a very sad thing...what a wake-up call...I JUST STOPPED. Once I recognized how harmful the behavior was...what I was teaching my kids...I STOPPED...<P>Then, I went to a conference in which part of the conference dealt with emotional blackmail...a concept discussed by Dr. Susan Forward...again...a big wakeup call...emotional blackmail was used commonplace in my family...threats...withdrawal...obligation...fear was used to manipulate...I now see it as very unhealthy and am working daily to change.<P>My point of these stories is to take your focus off H...focus on you and what you have to do to survive...I KNOW IT IS HARD...WHEN YOU ARE KNEE DEEP IN IT...it is hard to see past the forest for the trees...<P>I hate to agree with your H, but it will work out....take a breather and try to get out of the emotion...no decisions can be made in emotion...it is even difficult to think reasonably in emotion...<P>I know you want your H back...I so remember the pain of the beginning and I hate to use platitudes like time will heal...but IT IS TRUE...don't look so far into the future..take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time...THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO!!!<P>Finally...do do something for yourself...I wouldn't recommend leaving your children and H in the house...but take a weekend...a week...take some time to get yourself together...maybe there is a friend or someone you can visit...but make sure your H knows THAT IT IS TEMPORARY FOR YOU TO SORT OUT YOUR EMOTIONS!!!<P>Prayerfully,<BR>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

I am so sorry for your pain. I would first suggest to get a med check. since you are on anti-depressants the dosage or brand may not be right for you. They will not take away the pain but they will help you function. Also, since you work are you familiar with FLMA. It is family medican leave act - it is a government program that requires your work to give you 12 weeks off and guarantee you your job back. Sometimes it is just 3 weeks with pay and the rest without but you can just take the 3 weeks if that is the case. the counselor that prescribed the meds should be able to fill out the forms for you. You need a break! You have too much on your plate. You need some peace. It is a shame we can't control H. We can't love them enough or want them enough to make them want us back. <P>I recommend this because it worked for me. You are not crazy! You have been put in unreasonable circumstances. I think you need to get to a place where you know you can make it without him. Once you have gotten that freedom in your mind THEN you can work on the marriage. Now that sounds crazy! But it is true. When I read your posts I hear that you are desparate and confused. If you can say, I will be fine with or without him it takes away the confusion and the desparation. <P>You say you regret the way you treated him in the passed. You can't change the passed just make a decision to be different today. Then tomorrow when you wake up make a decision to be different that day and so on and so on. <P>I am sorry for your pain - it is real, it is hard, its not fair, it is overwhelming. We hear you, we believe you. <P>

Cali,notheard thank you for your replies. I feel a little calmer now. Totally emotionally drained but a bit calmer. Why why can't I make this cycle end? I want my M H isn't sure what he wants. Today hesays yes he wants a D, 2 days ago he wasn't sure what he wanted. Why is it so hard for him to talk to someone. I just want the man back that my h use to be. That compassionate, caring loving man is still there I know it is. I just don't get to see that side of him very often. I miss him so much!<BR>C

It's all him cybil...step back and let him waffle...there is a dance people do...as you step back you might find your H stepping forward...<P>That's why I recommend you stepping back and focusing on you...put your limited energy into you not him...<P>I know...easier to say than do, I've been there...but it is effective!<P>And, with time and perspective, you will see flashes of your H...then they will come more frequently...<P>My angry, angry withdrawn H who sat and stewed or yelled at the kids actually wrestled with them in front of the tv last night while watching football...it brought such joy to my heart to see them interacting like that...<P>I can't promise anything...but with time, patience and consistency I will pray that you to will see flashes of your H...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>

cybil,<BR>Boy can I relate to your story---I have been there. Not just knee-deep in it, but it consumed my whole body---i couldn't breathe---couldn't think---i was mad, sad, overwhelmed, and wanted to just give up---i made it through---I go back there from time to time, but the pain isn't as unbearable as the time before---My H wouldn't talk to me either---wanted out----didn't love me...<P>Things can change. Things will change. I promise. I am NOT saying that your H will come back----I am saying that you will become stronger, you will be able to plan A, you will be able to get up in the mornings. You will be happy again....<P>I am so sorry for the pain you are having---just do as everyone says, and get through the next minute or hour. Do NOT look into the future and ask yourself what if......Just get by. Take care of yourself! If you need someone to talk to email me: Krystalhw@aol.com----I would LOVE to talk to you, since I have been there, and am still there in many ways! <P>hugs to you,<BR>Krystal

cybil<P>I've been exactly where you are at right now.<BR>Know what? It's not worth it.<P>Start worrying about you and your kids and forget about your WH for a while. That is what I had to do. Don't ask me how I got to that point...but I got there twice.<BR>You finally get to a point where you don't wonder what he's doing at any given time.....it doesn't matter to you....because you are thinking about what is most important....you and your kids.<P>The throwing things and the chest pains and all that....been there....done that....it's not too long after that that I said....hell with it....this is my life to control....not his. He made the decision to do what he did....now it's my turn to make the decisions.<BR>Take control back......your WH sounds so much like mine.<BR>Think your WH wants a divorce? Nope....if he did...he would have already filed. He's keeping one foot in the door to keep it open with you.....because you are letting him.<P>Close the door on him....or at least start inching it shut on him. I'm not saying Plan B him.....and I know....not MB prinicples.....but act like it doesn't matter to you....just treat him like a friend....works wonders.<BR>I even got to the point where I could sit and listen to my WH talk about his problems with the OW....didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.....but guess what.....he was calling me to talk about this....that said something to me.<P>I've learned so much in the last 8 months....and I've changed beyond anyones beliefs.<BR>There is one important thing I've learned.....I don't NEED my husband....I WANT my husband. <BR>Make those changes within yourself because you want to.<P>Think you can't learn patience....how to keep your mouth shut....or how to actually put everything that has happened behind you? WRONG!! If you want it bad enough....it will happen. You just have to reach a certain point...and then one day....it'll all hit you like a ton of bricks.<P>I feel for you...knowing exactly what you are going through....but hang in there.....it will get better....with or without him. I promise. Still today....with my WH professing his love to me.....I know that I could make it....if he were to do this again....because if he did it again....I'm strong enough to say....no more. I can live my life on my own.....and I thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize that....that is why I have to let you go. If you cannot be faithful to me and work with me on our marriage.....then I WANT OUT! That's right....next time...if there ever is one.....I will be the one that goes....because I'm strong enough to now.<P>Stay strong.....take control.....quit thinking about your WH so much...I know easier said than done. Quit worrying about what he's doing.....quit asking questions....make him ask some. Make him wonder.....show him that he can lose you....because what you are doing right now is showing him that no matter what he does......you will always be there....and we all know that a person can only take so much crap.<P>Hang in there cybil.....if you want you can contact me on icq.....29268679 or email me at heatherdp@msn.com you can also get me on msn messenger with heatherdp@msn.com<BR>

Dear Cybil,<P>You sound like you need some time rest. Your actions are due to signs of stress. Your H needs to understand that. <P>Cybil, after many long long months, I too broke down. Very depressed, sick and weak. Recoverying only now. <P>Remember this, your H's comments and state of mind can change. Don't make any life changing plans based on emotions. <P>Let what he says slide off. Watch his actions. Protect your love and let him carry his share of taking care of his family. <P>This is some of what I had to do. I no longer could be that super person. Not that I wanted to be great or anything. I just wanted my family to have the best they could. Evidently my H saw it different. It became a weapon against me. When I started doing less for H, he came around more. Why? I have no clue. Not a very logical move for me. That is why it took so long. <P>So focus on what you can change and control. Love your children and those around you. Let your H know you love him but right now you are hurting so bad, you need to care for yourself. Welcome his ability to help you but now you have to recover yourself because you do not know what is instore for you. Let your H know that. Will it make him feel guilty? Maybe. That's ok. Just don't over play it. Be sincere. <P>Take Care, <BR>L. <BR>

Cybil, I am so worried about you, are you alright???Try not to worry about so many things at once, everything will work out, leave it to the lord.Cybil don't be so hard on yourself you have a lot of things going on that you are handling yourself without H, give yourself credit. Have you tried any anti-depressants? I am on zoloft and I could not live without it it has helped me a great deal. We all freak out every now and then and do things that we regret but as Bs we are but into that position of taking Sh** and taking SH** all the time that finally we explode and can't take anymore your only Human not a machine.Cybil my H is the same way, please try not to have so much contact with him, have you spoken to a lawyer, I know you don't want to do anything to end the M, I don't either but I am going to talk to a lawyer just for advice. Also I feel that if H sees you having problems etc.. that it turns them more away from you, don't get me wrong I know you have a lot I'm where you are but From what I have learned the less contact with him now the better. I don't think you should leave the house and the kids with him, what happens if he goes to a lawyer and says you freaked out you can't handle anything etc..they may give him custody if he goes for seperation or D, please I am not trying to make you feel worse its just I have seen this happen to my brother and its not a good situation. I am trying now to have no contact with H its hard when you have kids but I only talk to him when necessary. Its awful I miss him terribly I cry myself to sleep everynight I know how you feel, God it hurts so bad. My brother went through a horrible time with a D, he was the BS she was the WS, I could tell you stories about what he went through and now there are D but guess what she begged to come home and now they are together again will they remarry I don't know, My brother is in a different place in his mind now,but anyway my point is things always get worse before they can get better. Yes there is hope for your M, If you can get a break from the kids for a short time thats great but I would never leave your home and the kids he will def. hold that against you. Just know that we are all here to help you I am feeling the same way I have been yelling at the kids all night I'm so uptight I wish he would call and say he loves me and hes sorry but its not going to happen for now, thats what I keep saying it's over FOR NOW,NOT FOREVER not sure if this will help I'm not that experienced yet, but I care about how you are feeling. Please take care of yourself. Get some much needed mental and physical rest. Love and hugs Sally

I will pray for you Cybil that God will give you peace.....you know it is there.....just reach out for it and let God's mercy sustain you...have faith that things will work out for the best....give this load to Jesus and let him handle it for you....I think back through these messes and I know it was God's grace that got me through..and will continue to get me through.....when I tried on my own...I stumbled...but when I ask God for his intervention, I made it.....go someplace in your home that is quite away from the TV, computer, the children.....light a candle and pray.....just set in silence for awhile...you will feel God's presence and I know you will feel better.........you are not alone....you have God and you have us to help you.....I pray for your peace Cybil.....God's blessings to you...take care of yourself.........<BR>Dianne

Ladies what can I say? Thank you just doesn't seem to express my gratitude. I couldn't get through this without all of you. This site has truly been a blessing. I understand that I need to heed all of your advice, when I stay away from him and try the no contact I am so much stronger I know I am. When we see or talk to each other every day and especially when we are intimate I am an emotional mess. As much as I want to be with him I can't handle the emotions that come with it. I have decided not to leave my house. I'm afarid that will give my H something to use against me and I don't need that to come back and bite me in the a**. I love my kids more than life itself and could not live without them. That was something I was thinking abut in the heat of my emotional outburst last night. I talked to H tonight after work he called to see how I was. Why do I allow myself to even talk to him. We talked for awhile and he said at one time he would have done anything for me. I ask him why he won't go to counseling either with or without me he said if we can't work out our problems what makes me think a counselor can. I said they are there to help us find solutions to our problems. He said he'd think about it and let me know. I'm not getting my hopes up because he has said things like that in the past. I know I need to just stay away. Please keep me in your prayers and pray for my H too although he doesn't seem to think he needs it a few more prayers for him can't hurt.<BR>Love&Prayers,<BR>C

Cybil you sound better, I am glad. I have been really avoiding my H I have felt much stronger, I don't even talk on the phone when he calls anymore, I let the Kids answer (WE have caller ID).It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I even opened my own checking acct. I am taking control of my life, letting him see I can live without him. I think that's attractive to WS,let them wonder. Relax everything will work out. I am glad to hear your not leaving your home, your making the right decsion. stay strong I will keep praying for you. love Sally

cybil--I seem to find it easier when my H is gone, too. I think I am lucky that way, because he lives away, and cannot come over everyday to see us or the kids... We do talk everyday, though---It is difficult to work on things long distance, but I feel that right now, I am where I really need to be!!<P>Hope you have a better evening!<P>Krystal