One of two of my best friends knows very little about my W’s A’s & may not even realize our difficulties stemmed from her infidelity. His W has become closer to my W & I understand my W had given her a lot of detail – A involved two guys, and it lasted six months at least. He is a very warm and affectionate person & shows affection to others. I’m sure has no inappropriate intentions with my W. I have some haunting feeling however. Last fall (in the midst of my W’s A’) we were playing golf with this couple & as a show of encouragement & in a light manner, after my friend hit a good drive, my W jumped out of the cart & jumped up into his arms with both of her legs wrapped around his waist for a brief moment, then dropped one leg but kept the other leg wrapped around his waist for another brief moment. This I know shocked his W & I & him for that matter. We all made light of it. Here is my dilemma – He is still affectionate & we all hand out the hugs when we depart company & such. A few weeks ago we were departing company & he was leaving, then there was a distraction that prevented his departure & he walked past me & to my W for another good bye bear huge. His W was there & my W & he parted & I could not help but make a gesture to his W about how he was looking for more of the leg wrap thing. She knows about tow guys, my W said she told her a lot of the details. I felt bad because it is more about my W & I than her & my friend, but none the less it makes me feel very uncomfortable.<P>When we are together as a couple he gives my W a lot of attention & they have strong eye contact when they talk (something I don’t feel between her & I) & I see them exchange glances & I see him looking at her quite often. I know I’m being paranoid here, but am finding it more difficult to control these feeling! When we play golf as couples he is always very complimentary of her golf & her looks, he does include his W with similar compliments – like “our ladies are real looker’s aren’t they?!” Not long ago just the three of us were playing and after my W’s drive, he made a particularly strong compliment when he said something to her like you could be an ideal LPGA player, “Beautiful” & a good golfer! My W knew it made me feel a uneasy – we briefly spoke of it later – her slant is that I’m the jealous type anyway (douh, wonder why?!). He has made casual, kidding sexual connotative comments about monaga twa (sp?) or the four of us sharing a room when we were planning a getaway together – I used to make similar jokes before D/D – A while back after he made that kind of comment with all of us I casually mentioned that I am trying to reform and stay away from such comments. That was a few months ago – he has made similar comments of late. Perhaps it should not matter, but this causes me some anxiety & I am not dealing with it well!<P>We were all together for their D wedding weekend before last & he came to our table & was urging my W & I to come out and dance --- he was addressing her & rubbing her shoulders, but she said no, but on his urging we went to dance floor, but I was very uncomfortable with the thought he would soon be there to dance with her & my W sensed this & we stopped dancing – she went into mood & was distant with me like I was being too insecure & controlling – it was not good. I tried hard to erase these feelings, but found it hard!<P>Just last weekend we were at this couples home and my W slips out of an unstable kitchen chair. After my W gets back into the chair, my guy friend comes up behind her & bends over & puts his hands on her lower hips, (side of her butt) and gives a gentle squeeze and says she has to be careful. These made me feel very uneasy! My W definitely knows I have these anxieties about this & I can not see where she has encouraged this. I wonder if the leg wrap thing of last year may have in his mind (perhaps subconsciously?) taken the exchange of affection to a new level?? <P>I am sure that if I tell him about my W having A’s with two guys and that I certainly don’t suspect anything between he & her, it would make me feel more comfortable if he were not so affectionate with her, that he would act differently. Do I swallow my pride & try harder to ignore my feelings or should I say something to him??<P>I had a feeling his W would have said something, but I would have thought she would have said something on last occurrence, when I made strong gestures referring back to my W’s leg wrap thing – More recent actions seem even more affectionate. Do you think I should say something to my best friend?? <BR>Major srtuggle!!<BR>Thanks,<BR>HH

I don't think any of the physical contact that you are refering to is appropriat by any married person with someone of the opposite sex. That just seems too close. I have never been comfortable with my W having any physical contact with my male friends of mine or hers. I think a real close friend a hug is as far as it should go.<P>Yes, you should tell your friend of the situation. I only tell the people we are close to like family that W had 1 A and had sex once with that man. I feel they don't need to know the extent of it. I guess I am afraid they would never understand why I would stay if she had 4 OM. I don't even understand why I am staying. <P>I think the other thing you really need to do is sit down and talk with you W about how you feel. She needs to understand the that behavior is inappropriate to you, and she needs to be a little more sensative toward your feelings. That type of behavior,IMO, is not appropriate even if there was never an A.

SEM,<BR>As always you show great wisdom!<BR>Thanks!<BR>Peace be with you!<BR>HH

If his wife knows he knows. <P>You need to be careful.<P><BR>who<P>

Well, my best friend had a 2 year affair with my H-so I might just sound a bit uptight on this response.<P>I say TALK TO YOUR WIFE. She knows her limits and ought to be much more courteous towards your feelings than it sounds like she is being.<P>I am surprised that after her having an A already she has the balls to even flirt with any male.<P>BTW-before I ever knew about the A my H had there were two women whom I would just hate to see come around as I felt funny "vibes" in the room. One of them was much worse than the other-she went as far as taking my H's beer from his hand and taking a big drink off the bottle-all in front of me. I dunno-I am somewhat a jealous type person but at the time I wasn't ever worried about him having an A so much as I was bothered by her boldness. While I knew I was seeing something that did exist I downplayed it to myself.<P>Now I know better. And you know what else? My best friend-yes the one who screwed my H-knew how I felt about both these gals and everything.<P>So I think the person you need to talk to isn't your friend as much as it is your W. She can very politely tell any male to keep his hands off-and she needs to practice that herself!!<P><BR>------------------<BR>*heartache*<P>"Life's A Dance<BR>You Learn As You Go.<BR>Sometimes You Lead<BR>Sometimes You Follow!<BR>Don't worry 'Bout What You Don't Know<BR>LIfe's A Dance <BR>You Learn As You Go."<p>[This message has been edited by heartache (edited September 27, 2001).]

HH, <P>who is right, if she knows, her husband knows. I don't think your friend acts appropriately AT ALL around your wife and if it were me, I would back off from that relationship. I would tell him nothing. I agree that your wife did not necessarily bring this on herself. She shouldn't have wrapped her legs around him, but that is a one time thing and she hasn't pursued anything since. This is about HIM, if you ask me and he is not being too good of a friend right now. And it's too bad that you can't count on your wife to DISCOURAGE that kind of behavior since she enjoys it so much. But that is the lot in life that you have chosen.

HH,<P>Another thing. Is it possible that this inappropriate attention he gives your wife is BECAUSE of her affairs? Maybe that has given him some hope? When did all this start? Because I would make a bet that he found out about the same time that his wife found out. Any chance that all this is happening BECAUSE OF the affairs? That's why I don't think you should tell him anything - that, and because I am sure he already knows.