I know the percentage of affairs do not last and eventually die but what is the percentage of marriages that recover? How can the WS really come back? It really takes a courageous and hard working love to rebuild. I can see my WS never really dealing with this even if he is lonely and pathetically unhappy. All the people I know that had affairs to deal with in marriage are now divorced. And there is no KNOWN remorse or regret spoken of. <P>If WS would not work on marriage before affair, how could he now? It will be 10x harder. WS left on Sept 9 and he was very depressed about leaving but still entangled with OW. He claimed that he misses me very much. What specifically does the BS need to do to keep the door open? I still do not know if Plan B is right for my situation or if I should still be in Plan A while my WS is still out on his own and hanging out with OW? I feel like God has healed me and I am not in the pain I was in before but I do get a little obsessed at times in I am feeling like they are having a good time together but other than that I am living life to the fullest and having fun.<P>TW<P>------------------<BR>Psalm 23

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tossedwave:<BR><B>I know the percentage of affairs do not last and eventually die but what is the percentage of marriages that recover? How can the WS really come back? It really takes a courageous and hard working love to rebuild. I can see my WS never really dealing with this <P>If WS would not work on marriage before affair, how could he now? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi,, TW. I could be YOU asking these same questions. I see you have Member status, so I'm assuming you've been around long enough to have read many posts, and to post much yourself. If so, then I have to assume that you've also read the Harley concepts on the Home pages. If not, please go there and do so!<P>I originally came to this site because a headline said, "Can ONE partner save a broken Marriage? - YES!" or something to that effect. My WH left, and I WANTED my M saved. This site has convinced me it CAN happen! I bought HN/HN and SAA, and read them and read them, until I feel like I have them memorized.....THEN I posted and posted and asked questions, and read stories of successes. This has given me much support and hope for recovery. The answers to your questions are my questions, too, but I BELIEVE it can happen! I believe it does happen....mostly to people with the right TOOLS (such as MB concepts, and knowledge) BUT I know of at least 2 other couples who did NOT have "help" restoring their M, but did it after an A. So I guess I'm saying it's not that uncommon for couples to at least TRY to get back together once the A has "run its course." <P>You must wait for that to happen first, though. I'm assuming you have read the concepts? Are familiar with the Harley's formulas for proven success in progressing after an A?<P>My WH also, was never good at really working on our M. I didn't know he was unhappy at all! Then this. I hope when we get to the stage of wanting to work on this, he'll be willing to listen, learn, read and WANT to put in the work that I have started to change for the better. I hope that seeing the changes IN ME is enough to convince him people CAN change, and that will make our M stronger and eventually good. Praying helps, too. I noticed your reference to Psalm 23. I'm assuming you have a relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ and can go to Him for comfort. This is going to be your best source for help, and changes - real, lasting changes - that will "fix" your M.<P>I hope this answers your questions. Good luck, and stay strong. You could be in for a long ride. They tried to tell me (back in June). I didn't believe it then. I do now!<P>God Bless,<BR>Lupo<P>BTW - You mentioned Plan A or B. You should be in Plan A now. Stay happy, enthusiastic, and kind to your H. Show him the "new you" - the YOU who knows what you did to create disharmony in your home. Show him the Godly w he used to know, and that you now are willing to learn and know how to meet his EN's.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by lupolady (edited September 30, 2001).]

Double post, sorry!<p>[This message has been edited by lupolady (edited September 30, 2001).]

Does anyone else have any input to this quetion??? Do the Harley's have any statistics about the percentage of marriages that recover?<P>Lupolady---sorry to hear you are where I am cause it is limbo land. Do you see your H showing any inclination of missing you and your marriage? How long has he been gone? I have read everything the Harley's have put out---HN/HN, SAA and Give and Take. I read the post daily and have learned so much. I have kept from LB for 5 months through the discovery and decision making process of A. I was not LBing alot before....this is WS's thing of not connecting in committed and loving relationships. I am not responsible for the A but have failed him in the SF area. But that does not seem to be the big issue here as much as maybe EA. He shut me out emotionally and then fell into this escape. I do not think he knew he had emotions til OW. He has always escaped initmacy all his life and this A is more emotional but very surface and adolenscent.<P>Jesus is my Lord and He has given me strength I never dreamed possible in this situation. I have a friend going thru the same thing and we pray (talk to God) 4 or 5 times a week. We just can't make it thru the day without God's help sometimes.<P>Thanks for being there<P>TW<P>------------------<BR>Psalm 23

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tossedwave:<BR><B>Does anyone else have any input to this quetion??? Do the Harley's have any statistics about the percentage of marriages that recover?</B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YES!! Harley does!! He says the stats say that approx. 3-5% of A's lead to happy M. He says that (I think the statistic is) 95-97% of M CAN BE SAVED using his principles.<P><B> Do you see your H showing any inclination of missing you and your marriage? How long has he been gone? </B><P>My WH left May 17, has been living w/OW all that time. I do not know when their A started. I suspect had been EA for a few months before that (maybe starting in Nov.?), turned PA shortly before he left, maybe a month or so.<BR>While I wouldn't say I see him showing any "inclination" toward our M, I know that our communication is much, MUCH better now. See, when he left (as I wrote in a previous post) he left me a note, which said, "I filed for D. I don't want to be m anymore, direct all correspondence to my atty." PERIOD. The d. papers were in the mailbox. I truly thought a freight train had run over me. So for 2 months, I DIDN"T contact him, in any way. I thought that's what he wanted! (at that time, I still do think it was best for then). I had been reading on here, and learning about how to Plan A, and some folks who had Plan A'ed long distance told me I COULD!! So I started doing that. According to his son, he was HAPPY to hear from me! So I sent him another letter.....NOTHING "heavy" - just "here's what's happening around here, hope things are going well for you, I'm praying for you...."<BR>So then, I had a pipe burst in my floor.....I KNOW this was God's providence. It gave us an opportunity to talk on the phone for the first time. It was a strange phone call....I was on the phone w/SS, and he called his dad to tell him I had an emergency - to call me. SS and I were hanging up, H was trying to "beep" through, and I was trying to get the call.....well, I kept saying, "Hello? Hello?" HE kept saying, "Hello? Hello" See, I was afraid I was going to lose the call!!! Finally he says, "IT's YOUR HUSBAND!! CAN YOU HEAR ME???" I was so happy to hear those words, I burst into tears!!! I then told him all about the plumbing problem through the tears, and he was sooooo kind and calm.<BR>He gave me money to fix it (I have since found out there was some LB from OW about this same time.....hmmmmm.....wonder if it had anything to do with THIS????) <P>Well, since then, (1+ month ago) I have felt FREE to call him anytime, but have only called twice more.....he got a cell phone, and gave me his new # AND his work schedule AND HER WORK SCHEDULE - AND told me he is "home all alone all night, and his phone is on 24 hrs a day...." (SHE works midnight shift). Hmmmmm, an open invitation to call him when she's not there????<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I am not responsible for the A but have failed him in the SF area. But that does not seem to be the big issue here as much as maybe EA. He shut me out emotionally and then fell into this escape. I do not think he knew he had emotions til OW. He has always escaped initmacy all his life and this A is more emotional but very surface and adolenscent. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> </B><BR>Oh, boy!! This sounds EXACTLY like US!!! I wish I had some pearls of wisdom for this, cause that is EXACTLY what caught us.......<P>We had been far away for the Lord for a long time before this. In fact, My WH had said to me about a week before he left, "We REALLY need to start going back to church...." such prophetic words.... I KNOW (now) that he was probably saying that cause he was feeling conviction about what he was doing, and what he was about to do (leave!) and didn't know how to stop it, but was hoping God would, but felt he was too far gone to ask God for help at that point.<P>The best thing I can tell you to do, you are already doing, and that is prayer.....I KNOW it is the power of prayer that is bringing my WH around.....NOTHING ELSE.....<P>You are doing great, TW, just HANG IN THERE...... It's often a LOOOONG uphill battle. Just lean on the Lord, and HE WILL heal your M. That's what I'm counting on!! <P>Have you been to Rejoiceministries.org? They are great, too! And very uplifting for Xn's who are facing this.....GO TO their site, type it in just the way I did. Sorry, I didn't link it, I don't know how to make that work! <P>Lupo<BR>Also sorry this is so long. I do that a lot!

I seem to remember from one of the many, many books i read something to the effect of only 10-15 percent of men permanently leave their wives for an OW. Of that 10-15% who stay gone, only 5% marry the OW. For women the statistics are different. I recall 50% of women will permanently leave for the OM, slightly higher rates for evnetual marriage, but that stands to reason because the #s of women who leave are higher. The survival rate for any of those marraiges is supposedly dismal. In my own personal experience I have known a lot of people who had affairs. Most of them were either MM/SW or MW/SM. Most of the MW who left their Hs got dumped by the OM shortly after the marriage ended. Most of the MM dumped the OW and moved on to someone new. I think when a woman actually leaves the marriage her resolve in many cases is much greater, more well thought out, less likely to go back. So as not to get discouraged guys, one of the most repentant former WS I know is my best friend. That is a woman who put a LOT of effort into gettig her marriage back on track. She was the QUEEN of the fog too lol. I do know that when I left a relationship I never regretted it. Then again, I was never cheating. But every single guy who has ever broken up with me has come back, or tried to, at some point in time. No exceptions. Doesn't mean they were there to stay, or that things would be any different, bu tthey always came back. Weird. Men and women tend to be very different creatures.

bumping up for more input........