H just came back from cleaning his apt and he's acting "happy" and helpful. "Oh, I'll clean up the dishes." (hasn't cleaned up since d-day). "I really hope you've told no one about what I'm doing. When and if I decide it's for good, we'll tell..."? <P>I say nothing and offer him an old frying pan to take with him. It bugs me that he's so happy.

Was that hand him an old frying pan or hit him with an old frying pan? sorry I just couldnt resist.<P>Dont you see what he is saying? No matter what he has said about how final this is, he does not really see it as final. If you can get it together, plan a, let him go, and work on getting stronger yourself, I would bet money he will be back. <P>I am sure he is a little releived to be on his own right now. The stress of living a double life must be very draining. Yes, he is looking forward to doing what he wants without having to answer to anyone. But it will get old. <P>Terrified, read what plan a is again, Stop reacting to everything he does, stop listening and being hurt by his words. Take care of yourself, and your family. <BR>Lora

Terrified,<BR>He doesn't want anyone to know because he is ashamed. As far as the " when I decide it's for good, we'll tell"...this guy needs a reality check..it actually a joint decision and there's nothing that says you have to take this and wait for his decision...this is the difference between doormat status and Plan A. You're becoming a doormat. A good non LB response might have been... "At this point I still have enough love and hope left to work on the marriage, but the time is coming when I won't feel this way, and then I'll have to make my own decision."<P>Set some boundaries!<BR>T

Terrified,<P>You shoulda hit him in the head with that Fryn' Pan. Just kidding, Hon.<P>You're doing so good, offering to help him. Good Lord he is in a FOG, keeping this SECRET of his about moving out. It reminds me of a teenager and he sees you as his mommy.<P>Both Lora and Twyla have some good advice. Get STRONG, Terrified ... because when he starts to crash and burn you are going to have to decide what YOU WANT. <P>The bigger they are the harder they fall ... believe this Terrified. I see the writing on the wall.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Okay guys...it's too funny because my first instinct WAS to hit him over the head with the frying pan. BTW, he not only wanted to clean the dishes but put away D's toys...hasn't touched a thing since d-day. I so hope that all of you are right about him and that he's not REALLY happy to be moving out. <P>Thanks for your support. I've been posting much more today because it feels better.

Dear T, <P>In a weird sense he is happy. Could be making plans with OW. I don't say that to make you upset but remember the A requires a lot of adrenaline. They can't keep up the pace forever. After the 'fun' and newness of this adventure wears off, it won't be fun to play house with a worn OP anymore. The real them will then come out. <P>So do you get upset? Well you already are. Consider the fact that the OW is very happy and the WS is venturing into new territory. Like a kid with a new toy. Except this toy will break before the warranty expires. Cheap toy.......<P>You can't control what he is doing. Let him do stuff if he is willing. Take advantage of it. But concentrate on you and your family. Don't make him your priority anymore. Time will tell. For me it was 5 months. Inbetween I had to listen to his pleas to come home and then his temper tantrums and watch him run back and forth to OW. After a while the picture starts to look like a bad season rerun.<P>Strengthen yourself and learn what you are capable along with your strengths and weaknesses. <P>Take Care,<BR>L.<BR>

Hey O, nice to hear from you. Hope you're okay? <P>Yes, a part of me knows he's happy to be in his own place so that he can talk to her at his leisure. He keeps saying he needs to find peace and told my counsellor that he can't bear to look at me and see the hurt. He told the counsellor, "although I'm not in love with her, I've been with her 18 years and care for her deeply and know I've hurt her."<P>Wow, if I get through this, it will be due to the grace of God and MB.