I have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids 10-6-3. 9 weeks ago my world destructed when i found out my wife had been cheating on me with a guy who was my "friend" and 20 years older than me. He'd been involved in our life for an entire year, i thought he was my friend and a good role model for our kids. Fortunately he moved away 1 week before i found out about the A. The A contiuned on the phone until 15 days ago when my WS meet him for a final "closure" meeting. Since that time my wife has totally withdrawn from me. Doesn't want to talk, touch..simply has a hard time even being nice. She is very agitated. I had been doing PLAN A without even knowing it. Should i be telling her daily how much i love her or will that simply annoy her. She says that she hasn't talked to him. She also has always said that she didn't ever want to leave me for him. How long is the "typical" withdrawal period. Should I encourage her to be strong and not talk to him. Last night i told her that this was the hardest thing that each of us would ever have to do in life. If she does want it to be over, that each time she talks to him or sends him a letter or card...she resets her pain back to the start of withdrawal. <P>We can't seem to talk much now, because she is so resistant...but the silence is worse. <P>Should i be telling her these things or letting our counselor tell her. She & I are going to a marriage counselor that i hope will help us. <P>HELP !!!! <BR>

Hi Sad Daddy,<BR>I am sorry you have a need to be here with us...WELCOME....know that you are with friends and people who are experiencing the same heart aches that you are starting to go through....this will be for most of us a long drawn out process...(recovery of your marriage) Please know that the recovery is a process...one step at a time and I must say for the most part...one PAINFUL step at a time....go back out to the "HOME" page for Marriage Builders and start reading all the wonderful, helpful information out there...start with the Beginning and read each section.....you will be able to recognize where you are in the process and where your wife is as well....right now she is in withdrawal big time....be patiant and supportive...just quitely support her and let her know you care but don't force yourself on her or expect her to be very intimate with you right now...just hang in there....keep posting to this site and venting your concerns to us and let us try and help you....I pray your walk through this hell will be as short as possible but remember, try to improve yourself as a result of these experiences to make you a better person...try to gain something from this....there are life lessions to be learned from experiencing something as painful as this will be for you...look for the silver lining....hopefully to make your marriage as awesome as God intended it to be and to someday be able to experience that with your wife!!! hope for this.....my thoughts and prayers are with you....remember talk to God, keep his faith and keep posting to us for help and support.....we are here for you!!!<BR>Dianne<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

Thanks for the reply. <P>I have only discovered this site yesterday and love it already. I have a need to talk, talk, talk, talk and my wife doesn't. Our marriage was probably typical with 2 working spouses, we simply were too busy to talk to each other and take care of our basic needs. We were always angry (I was) with the other person and she turned to a person who filled that need for her. Since the day i found out and confronted her, i have changed my entire outlook on my marriage. I fell MADLY in love with her and have a positive outlook on life. I want to and did show her my affection for her until she ended it with him and went into withdrawal and doesn't want it now. It kills me NOT to give it to her but know i can't. It's so hard to want HER so badly and have her in the state she is in. She will barely give me a hug or kiss. She will hold me if i am having a really bad day. We had a glimpse of what our marriage could be before she went into withdrawal and she said she had a "closeure" with him for us. <P>We seem to only be able to talk about my job, her job or our kids. <P>Why don't these WS's care that they could destroy their families, careers, reputations, etc. The only people that even know about her A is her parents and brother...no one else even knows. I haven't told a soul...so i have no one on my "team". <P>Sometimes i feel so un-loved. So alone. So deperate. I don't want to be a single parent. I don't want to destroy my childrens lives. <P>

I understand exactly how you feel. I too have a very small support group. I have not shared his EA with very many of our family and friends...actually, the only people in our lives that know are his sister (I told her early on because she has a degree in counseling and is a christian) and I recently told my parents because I couldn't stand it anymore...had to talk to someone....there are two ladies at church besides my pastor who know and that's about it.....I have been dealing with this since the January of this year...found out he has been involved with OW since April of 2000. We too have three wonderful boys, ages 14, 9 and 2...I have been protecting my children from this hell but I must tell you....somedays I want to shout to the world what he has done to us....but I don't....I know what you mean to about wanting to be with them and love them....My H and I have not been together since early Feb. (sexually) no intimate contact at all....nothing....this is so hard on me....he is still at home but we are like room mates...he sleeps in our guestroom.....<BR>I know what you mean about feeling alone and unloved....I tell you, each rejection is worst than the one before...I have been rejected by my H so many times over the last 6 or 6 months that I have just quit trying.....it hurts to much....I know you don't want to be a single parent....hopefully you will be able to work this out with your wife and she will come out of the fog and recommit herself to your relationship....know you are not alone...you have a support system now...keep posting here...there are allot of knowledgable caring people on this site who can offer you allot of good sound advice....keep your faith!<BR>Dianne<P>------------------<BR>always-faith4us

Hi there,<P> Sorry you're here but welcome....What you are going through is classic. How far away did the OM move ? That is to your great advantage . Don't be surprised to find out your W is in contact with him(the WS very rarely gives up the OP that easily). Continue to Plan A but realise in the state she is in it won't seem to make much difference. However, NOT LBIng is the best thing you can do, don't want to drive her away.<P>We are almost 3yrs from DDay and it's been an awful ride for 2 years of it but we are making it....I'm so glad we are still together. We moved to get away and that really helped(however, my H still was calling OW but couldn't meet her etc.).<P>I notice you are wanting to save the marriage big time. Be aware that you will probably become very, very angry at one point over her betrayal and your "friend's" betrayal.....I know after the crisis died down, I was almost in a rage. You need to be aware that this might come and know how you are going to handle it......Hang in there, you can recover and have a good marriage but it will probably be rough for a while.....LU<P>PS. I hope I haven't depressed you, but it helps to know what's ahead ) most likely and that despite it things can be great again.

This IS the toughest thing i have ever had to do in my life. My wife was one that NOONE on earth including myself ever thought she would do this...even she admits she can't believe this has happened to her. I thought that once i discovered it that it would be over and we would resolve the problem and things would get better. How wrong i was. This is all new to me, so i guess i was nieve. The first time i prefessed my new love for her...she said that was great...but that was how she felt about "him" and didn't know how to get over those feelings. She still tells me she loves me very much, but never says it unless i tell her first....kinda like a parrot. Unfortunately i was hoping my journey would end soon, but after finding this site, i am feeling like i am just getting started. How do i fulfill my sexual needs until she returns to me. We have slept in the same bed since i found out. Can a woman fall out of love with the other guy IF in fact that's what it was ? Can she love us both at the same time ? <BR>