WH returned to me after living with the ow for 7.5 months and said he wants to come home but only if he ends the A his way. H said to give him time. He has been coming around ever since (about 2 weeks) and we have been spending some fairly good time together. He has been honest with me and recently told me that he isn't sure and that even if he ends it with her he wants to remain her friend. <BR>To be honest, I couldn't handle this honesty and I went back into plan B this morning.Now I regret doing so. <BR>On one hand I think I should be in plan B because he isn't sure and I don't want him to be her friend, on the other hand he is going to think he can't be honest with me without me getting mad.<P>I know he's mad and hurt right now. I also cancelled out on our anniversary dinner last night because I felt there was nothing to celebrate.<BR>Any advice to one confused person? It's been so long I don't want to blow it now! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MAEZY:<BR><STRONG>To be honest, I couldn't handle this honesty and I went back into plan B this morning. Now I regret doing so. <BR>On one hand I think I should be in plan B because he isn't sure and I don't want him to be her friend, on the other hand he is going to think he can't be honest with me without me getting mad.<BR>Any advice to one confused person? It's been so long I don't want to blow it now! </STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi, Maezy,<BR>I don't really think he can expect you to just let them "be friends."<P>When H came home, what kind of "committment" or "conditions" were discussed, if any? Does he know that NO CONTACT is <B>required?</B> Did you get mad and LB? If not, then I don't think there's a problem. If you did, then maybe you need to go and apologize for that, but explain that this new "wrinkle" upset you, yadda, yadda. <P>To ME, that is the one and only absolute condition to coming home. Everything else can be negotiated at a later date, but that is Number 1.<P>So if you've communicated that to him clearly, calmly, non-LB-style, then I don't think going back to Plan B is terrible. I think it sets your boundaries, and he's aware of them. If you've done those things, and done it that way, I'd say let him stew over it. HE knows the "way home" and what's required to stay there.<P>I think he's still just waffling, and confused. That's OK. You just "stay the course." You're gonna make it! <P> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Good luck.<P>Lupo

maezy (( )))!!! Dont be so hard on yourself! I remember when my H refused to end his A and he moved out for 2 months then came back one night took me out to dinner swore up and down it was over between him and OW! I let him move back in without any specific rules. BIG MISTAKE!!! He lasted only a few days before caving and calling her and she started demanding more and more from him and he went into an even DEEPER fog than he had been in before- colder and meaner to me and slept on the couch- refused to move out again because his lawyer told him it would affect his chances of getting custody! YUCK huh? He too tried the 'well I'll stay friends with OW' bit. It doesnt work that way! Theirs is an addiction pure and simple. Its like telling an alcoholic- SURE you can have just one glass of wine!!!!! My H had to get to the point of losing EVERYTHING when he filed for D on me before he broke down and asked our counselor for help on how to END things with OW. He told our counselor he was in a cycle he didnt know how to get out of. Our counselor told him to get control of his thoughts because they lead to his feelings which lead to his actions. lifeismessy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MAEZY:<BR><STRONG>He has been honest with me and recently told me that he isn't sure and that even if he ends it with her he wants to remain her friend. <BR>To be honest, I couldn't handle this honesty and I went back into plan B this morning.Now I regret doing so. <BR>:</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maezy,<P>It wasn't his HONESTY that you couldn't handle, but his plans of continuing his "friendship" with the OW. And you rightfully should not handle that. I think you did exactly the right thing. <P>There is no chance of recovery as long as he has OW in his life and insists on keeping her as a "friend." [how ridiculous] If he is TRULY committed to you, and not just playing yo-yo games, then he will drop his "friend." <P>In the meantime, you MUST set boundaries and protect yourself before you pursue a reconciliation. The first - and most important - boundary MUST be an end to all contact with the OW. Otherwise there is no recovery, just a nightmare existence of back and forth between you and the OW. That would be more hellish than living alone in my opinion. So please, take a deep breath and give yourself a little credit here. Your instincts are right. If there is a recovery in the wings, you have done alot in ensuring it's success by your actions today.<p>[ October 12, 2001: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]

Thanks so much for your encouragement, all.<BR>Why do I feel so terrible and like I've done the wrong thing?<BR>He's angry and it takes him a long time to get over anger.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MAEZY:<BR><STRONG>Thanks so much for your encouragement, all.<BR>Why do I feel so terrible and like I've done the wrong thing?<BR>He's angry and it takes him a long time to get over anger.</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You might feel bad because he let you down or because you think you are LB ?. Remember in plan B I think you suppose to get the term down before you take him in, excatly to protect you from this kind of thing. It is not your fault and you did the right thing. You are not in plan A no more.<P>Hadi<BR> [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

I should clarify that my WH still lives with the OW. It came to me last night, after reading through your responces, that I don't need to be in plan B because of this. I have been in plan B 2X already and after the last time we really started to make some progress. I think this is why I felt so bad that I've gone into it again.I don't want him to give up because each time he started to open up I went to plan B.<BR> But... if WH is still living with her he will eventually really want to come home and that can be where I draw my line in the sand about him having her as a friend. He won't move home as long as he's seeing her..in any capacity.<BR>Does this make sense or does it sound like I'm caving in on my plan B?