Cali, In one of my threads and on Freddy's, you mentioned how you've become an echo of the OW. I would love to hear more about that from you, and any others who've been able to determine how OW is meeting WH's needs and then turning it around to help your M. I've been trying to do that myself.<P>A couple things you mentioned, like listening closely, and letting him make the decisions, are things I am doing now too.<P>With the decisions I've gone a step further than you. Sometimes I don't even offer my opinion at all anymore if it is something where the outcome isn't all that important. In other words, I don't have to always be right or even get my 2 cents in on everything.

Hi SilverRose,<P>Sorry to be butting in but you said something important: <P>"Sometimes I don't even offer my opinion at all anymore if it is something where the outcome isn't all that important. In other words, I don't have to always be right or even get my 2 cents in on everything."<P>This is what I learned. I am a problem solver by nature. I don't like to make a mistake and appreciate avoiding a problem. However, my H is not necessarily like that. <P>The OW allowed him to talk, at least at first. I refer to her as Mrs. Psyco Babble Rabbit. Each piece of her name is an earned title. Anyway at the beginning she gave a listening ear even encouraged talk. H is talkative to outsiders just not family. H came from a highly dysfunctional family so none of his siblings like each other very well. I came from a close knit family so you can see the difference. <P>Anyway, when H came home I was too tired to try to solve the problems in front of me. I just listened to H and sometimes agreed. <P>BanG!!!! That was what he wanted. Mind you the man could not tell me that, he made me figure it out myself and me being the eternal problem solver kept trying to resolve his issue instead of letting him do it. <P>Since that piece of revelation, there has been improvement more than I thought possible. H still has a ways to go, but some of the stress from me has been relieved by my not having to try too hard. <P>Just me and my 2 cents. <P>L.

That's it! Listen...Listen...and Listen some more...<P>I watch basketball now (I had complained for years about this...) ask questions...laugh with him about wrestling, go to the movies his likes...<P>...in the big scheme of things I'd rather have my H and my marriage than HAVE to watch what I want...<P>I also LOST a lot of weight and started dressing more stylishly...no more underwear from Wal-Mart...can you say Victoria's Secret [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] !<P>Then, she used to leave LOTS of voice mails and emails...so I have been calling him on the phone...again, listening my ear off...sending him emails and, now, text messages on the cell...<P>Finally as to the sexual part of our relationship...he'd have to tell you that was the least of our problems...I was more unhappy than he was...(frequency)...so now I'm not unhappy and, I hope, neither is he...and, again, my losing weight has probably been a big part of this...<P>Cali

up for SilverRose

I just saw OM once when I confronted them smo@#$!% [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] in my car. From 2 minutes encounter I sized him up well. He is macho latino man & womenizer. I realize right away what to do. He is not WS's type, I see my chances against him.<P>I hit the gymn, build muscle, change my look as if I am looking and try to be attractive. (it works .. she check my undies and worry about me having A [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] ) at the same time I go & active at church again to help me out and to assure W that I am not going to strayed.<P>I calls her from the office every day to talk about anything. I learn to have sweet tounge [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] from how to pick up a date book.<P>As a bonus, W is back to school and OM could not help her w/ her homework & study but I can. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] W resents me at first but courses are hard and she has no choice but let me help her. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for all the replies.<P>Orchid - you're not butting in! I'd like to get ideas from everyone about the changes they've made that were helpful.<P>Cali - interesting thing about SF is that I've noticed too that since I've lost weight (because of the stress involved in all this) I'm more interested than I was and have the energy to follow through. SF is one of our problem areas, and the problem was me.<P>redhat - I love your description of what you've been doing. It sounds like you have such a positive attitude through all this.