I need help with this one.<P>My WH has said for the last year he is leaving. This weekend he told me his is leaving the middle of Nov. <P>He is telling our son that he is leaving because we don't get along. This is a lie. I have been in Plan A for 3 months with little or no LB. He won't even let me be there when he tells our son when he is leaving. I feel both parents need to be present. He says that I will put all the blame on him. This is another lie. I have already told my son the truth. But now I am worried that he is trying to win him or something. He has told him that he can come and see him anytime he wants and things will be the same with our son. But things won't be the same. How can I explain this to my H and hopes he understands?

still, <P>What about visiting a child psychologist with WH to see what he/she thinks is best for your son? IMO, this is an occasion for all three of you to be together. <P>It's good that you have told S the truth. Your S will know that his dad is not being truthful anyway. Your H is in denial.<P>And, of course, things will not be the same for your son. They will never be the same.<P>Thinking of you,<BR>Estes

Thanks estes<P>Should I try to talk to my WH and tell him this is the wrong thing to do?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by still love him:<BR><STRONG> How can I explain this to my H and hopes he understands?</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You can't. He'll have to learn it on his own. You can be rational and logical until you're blue in the face, but until he's ready to see things for what they are, there's not much you can do or say to change him.<P>Keep up with your plan A. If he seems frustrated and aggrivated it's probably because you're doing a great job. You're not giving him any more reason (in his head) to continue in his ways. That's probably why he's suddenly really ready to move out. You're just not offerring him the rationalization he needs to continue in his ways. If he's out of the house, he believes he'll be guilt free. Oh... but how that won't work out as simple as he thinks it will. Sit back and watch as much as you can. Keep up with your Plan A. Keep posting on here. You're strong, you'll be just fine.<P>I too, think it's great that you are being truthful to your son. It's amazing how much kids know anyways. By you talking to him about it, at least he won't get overly frustrated with the guessing games in his head as to what's going on.<P>Karen

I think the bottom line is that you can't educate your spouse...<P>All you can do is pray/hope that the right person, book or information opens his eyes...<P>You cannot force, control or manipulate the situation...somethings the WS just has to learn the hard way...<P>Cali

estes<P>WH will not go to C on any thing of sorts. I have tried to explain to him that he could be depressed but his "macho" crap is taking hold and thinks nothing is wrong with him. Has has no contact with OW in a month. Why would he still want to leave? maybe guilt?

Cali and Topie<P>I am going to take your advise and let him figure it out on his own. So do I tell my son things will be different or just let him see what a liar his daddy is?

Tell your son as much of the truth as you can without diminishing his father to him...you don't have to lie...but you don't have to enable either...<P>Children are more savvy than we give them credit for...just make sure son understands the situation and does not feel like HE caused it...or that he can do anything to solve it...<P>Just giving son an opportunity to ask questions that you answer honestly will help...most adults to not take the time to really talk to kids or even listen to them...<P>Cali

still,<P>It looks like H is not going to cooperate at all. I'm sorry. He is in a self-centered mode and is thinking more about himself than his son. It's so sad because this is likely to change S's opinion of his father permanently. At ten, kids are very capable of picking up vibs from their signifcant adults. They can tell when something's up.<P>Do you think you can have a talk with your S<BR>to prepare him before he talks with his dad? Does your S have a favorite male relative, granddad, uncle whom he can confide in?<P>Have you notified S's counselor at school about the upheaval in his life? As a teacher, I know that it always helps to know there are problems at home that a child is coping with.<P>It seems that for now, you will be your S's source of strength. <P>Estes

Why would H leave? Yes, maybe guilt. Some WS can't handle the generosity of the BS in plan A. They don't have the emotional reserves to fulfill EN needs in return and get scared. Maybe he is still so confused that he can't make the right choice yet.<BR>Maybe he still does not believe that the changes he sees in you are permanent.<P>You can't hang on to him. He has to come back willingly. Plan A can help you with that. And 3 months is not a particularly <BR>long time for plan A. Keep on with what you are doing with no LBs.<P>What criteria is H using to set his departure date? It almost seems like he is putting it off. E.

Well money is why he says he has to wait. We do have alot of bills due but if he was that dead set on leaving I feel He would have done it by now.

I am just so scared that if he leaves he will be so stubborn and not come home even if he wants to and realizes what he did was wrong. This is what I have to get better on.

I agree that if he was so anxious to leave, he would have done so. He's bound to know that he is being so wrong. It's like he's using the threat of leaving to keep you upset. I think he's afraid of the consequences of leaving.<P>Can you write him a letter in which you state your willingness to have him return home and take him back into your and son's life if he changes his mind (and his behavior)? If he has your words in black and white, maybe it will give him the courage to come back. It will be a challenge for you to cover your pain and remain open to his return.<P>But he has to leave first. Maybe he will never do that. Hope. Hope.

Oh estes,<P>I did write him a letter telling him I am sorry for this and I wanted him to try and make this work. He says he does not want to make it work.

<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: MMMMM ]</p>

Oh Tobemom<P>I am so sorry for your pain. Is you H still out of the house. I think mine wishes he was. I want so much for my M to work. MY WH is 10 years younger than I am. I did not think for 10 years of our M that this was a problem. But now I think he is being very inmature. Keep plan Aing and come here to vent.

bump!