Well, I guess I'm done. Last night he came to me again with his Oh, pity me face on and said that he really thought he should just go. Well, I lost it. I told him to go immediatly. He is leaving tonight after our 4yo son is in bed. I told him he has to try and explain to our son why daddy wont be here in the morning, son is already asking why daddy sleeps in the other room. I told him that I was tired of being the only one trying to fix this M and until he could commit to trying to fix it, not a promise that everything would work out, just to try, then he had to leave. I told him that I was able to forgive his A (D-day was Oct 1) but I did not know if I was going to be able to forgive his leaving his family and that I was'nt sure if I would be able to respect him either. He told me I really knew how to push his buttons, I explained that I was sure no one actually knew him as well as I did. <p>I told him I was sick of the I love you but am not in love with you cr*p and that it was just a cop out not to have to deal with any real feelings or emotions. I said that I was sick of waiting for the other boot to drop, the first boot was the affair and the second one was going to be the day he left me. I told him that if anyone had asked me seven years ago, when we got married what I would do if this happend, I would have told them that I would have drop kicked his A** out the door immediatly and that I can't believe I let myself be a doormat for even this short length of time. ( I know so many of you have been trying for so much longer than me to keep your M together, and I don't want to offend you. I simply don't have your strength and I was very angry)<p>So here I sit. Waiting for him to come home and pack his bags. Part of me feels like I really blew it, the other part of me feels like I am finally taking some power back in this so called marriage. Then I look at my beutifull baby boy and start to cry all over again. <p>Thanks for reading my vent.<p>Needing

Well, while many might not say so, a lot of us would like to have your strength. At some point we must start expecting something in return. Or, do just as you did....although maybe a better way would have been through a Plan B letter.<p> jd

I agree with what you did and now what you are doing. Just be civilized and polite (not a doormat), you will never regret that. The most important one in your situation is your son. Focus on his well being. I have a disdain for weak men (and I am a man). People can call behavior problems anything or whatever they want. But a man who would have an affair and then leave his wife and children is pretty pathetic. Let him leave and maybe he'll decide to grow up.

So it sounds like your Taker took over for a bit. Understandable...but now you need to ask yourself...<p>Do you want to be right and powerful...or do you want to be married?<p>I don't think anyone here love busted their way into recovery.

Ack! Bramble Rose, a calm voice in the wind. Admittadly not what I want to hear right now and I really think it's probably to late. So, after just now talking to him on the phone,I am sure he is leaving. How does one plan A after he leaves. The A is over, I know that. Of course one of my greatest fears is that it will all start up again.<p>okieman, I am having a ton of trouble being "civil" right now. I just wanna smack him. (No I wont)<p>jd, this wasn't planned like a plan B letter, I was actually doing really well on Plan A this week and then this just all came pouring out of me and it was un-stopable. By the way, I love your Pear Bailey tag line and e-mailed to my H today. No other words, just the quote.<p>I desperatly want to be married, and I truly love my H more than anything in the world. I just can't force him to stay anymore and so he is leaving. I guess I just pushed up the time line with my MAJOR LB last night. I don't think I can do anything to undo it now.

needing,<p>Why can't you do anything to stop it now? You could tell him what you said here about how much it hurts you and how much you need his support right now. <p>You know, it's OK to lovebust once is a while. And maybe if you explain to your H where that blowup was coming from, maybe he will understand you and stay.<p>I know you do not want to be a door matt. You should not be one. But you also want your H. If the affair is over, then the best place for him is at home... that is if you want to continue your marriage. It is harder to reconcile once a spouse has moved out. <p>Maybe you can negotiate some rules about how each of you behaves right now. As you know, this is very hard to deal with. Each of you needs to be sensitive to the pain the other is in. While you need to learn to trust your H again, he too needs to learn to trust you. It is a two way street.<p>Talk to him about your true feeling. Start the sentences with "I feel... " instead of "You..."<p>You do not have to kick him out to set boundaries and not be a door matt. You do need to decide what your boundaries are and negotiate them with him in a loving manner. <p>If you can forgive him an affair, then certainly he can forgive you a blow up. Ask him if he can. Then ask him to work with you on this.<p>It sounds like your H is in the withdrawl period. My understanding is that it can be very painful and a WS can be very depressed during this time. So, with that being the case, there are two people in your house hold who are hurting very badly. You need to help eachother.<p>There are three stances you can take.. <p>Being a door matt... not good<p>Being right at the expense of everyone and everything...not good<p>Being loving and setting your boundaries without hurting your H and letting yourself be hurt.... the preferred place to come from<p>
just my 2 cents<p>Z

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BrambleRose:
<strong>
Do you want to be right and powerful...or do you want to be married?<p>I don't think anyone here love busted their way into recovery.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Are the two mutually exclusive? I think if the two were mutually exclusive, which they really aren't [being right - aka being TRUTHFUL - versus being married] that I would choose the former. No person is worth sacrificing the truth in my opinion - especially one who is dishonest and adulterous. That is adding insult to injury.<p>Needing, even though what you did is not in line with MB principles, I will tell you that I did exactly what you did and it saved my M. I had a similar 'come to Jesus' talk with my H and simply told him that I was done and to hit the door, Jack. That one little talk had a thunderous impact on my H, and in 2 days he had made a complete change, starting with begging me to let him stay. The next 6 months weren't easy, but we went to counseling and I can say that we are now happier than we have ever been. I even trust him now, which is something I thought would be impossible. It has been a year now since D-Day.<p>I think that setting down firm boundaries and letting him know what I would and wouldn't take established respect and gave him a much needed wake up call.

MelodyLane,
Lucky for you H is not strong enough on his own and I am glad it work for you. However if H has OW ready to take over, you will not be saying this now. Actually it is not for being doormat but for absolute sure that you are ready when you go to plan B. Kind of protecting your sanity and not second guessing.<p>my 2¢

This is not really a Plan B. He really has been wanting to go for a while now and I just got sick of hearing it and trying to talk him out of it. It was, if your going to go, then go. If not quit talking about it because it sounds like a threat. Then all of the other stuff just came pouring out like a water through a busted dam. I'm sure he now feels like he has "permission" to go. If I try and talk him into staying then I am just "manipulating" him with our son, blah blah blah. <p>I know, fog.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{NEEDING}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p> Yep, the Pearl Bailey tag line is the truth isn't it?<p> I know from where you came......Luck to you, needing.<p> jd

I agree with what you did also, I am dealing with the same issues as you are. I cannot believe a man can walk away from his kids without feeling any remorse, Its selfish and its running away from problems that need to be dealt with, but you know what, those problems with follow him where ever life takes them. I chose to stand behind my kids and be the best mom I can and deal with my issues to make me a better person. Hang in there and be strong. Love Sally

Hi needing ~<p>I ditto everything Zorweb said.<p>You don't have to be a doormat. Boundaries are a very fine thing with a WS. But setting and holding boundaries do not mean lovebusting to do so. And by lovebusting, I mean specifically, disrespectful judgements, selfish demands and angry outbursts.<p>As I said earlier, its totally understandable that you lost it. But if you wanted a pat on the back and encouragement for what ya did, you won't get it from me.<p>There had to have been a way for you to make it clear to him that the door was open - that he was free to leave at anytime, and that his presence was his own choice. That you would love to have him with you, and you would love to work on the marriage, but that you weren't going to force him into it.<p>Here's a thread you might find thought provoking:
Do you want to be RIGHT - or do you want to be MARRIED?<p>And here's another thread that might be helpful in figuring out how to draw boundaries without lovebusting: Detaching with Love<p>Good luck. I'd be willing to be that honest communication, without disrespectful judgements and selfish demands or angry outbursts might change your H's mind. Sounds like he wants it to work, but is scared and unsure. Your behavior can convince him that its worth his trouble to stay and work it out....or you can convince him there is nothing to stay and fight for....

Hi Needing:<p>I'm afraid I have to agree with the concensus here that you need to do a little LB repair. At this stage of the A (a mere 1 month from D-day) both of you are raw nerves just waiting for someone to irritate you.<p>True he is conflicted...probably in withdrawal from OW...and waiting for someone to give him some direction go. Are you willing to do that? Be the one to decide that he leaves? Wouldn't you rather be the one with the confidence and strength of belief in the survivability of your marriage? Confidence and strength enough to say that you were wrong to have LB...even though you are hurting...that you certainly don't want him to leave...not because of the child...not out of guilt...but because you "believe" that your marriage can survive what has happened....and you're willing to work hard with his help to make that happen. Sure he may not be working at it right how (he's having enough trouble dealing with withdrawal)...but give him some time...be patience (Oh, I know that hard when you're hurting and unsure of what's going to happen)...one month into this is really no time.<p>You have to be the stong one right now if you want this marriage...there will be time for "kicking him in the b***" later if necessary, but it trully doesn't sound like your WH is that sure of what he wants....and you can have a big influence right now in helping him to decide...in how you react to his "fog". <p>I've always found that my WH wants someone else to make his decisions for him...so he won't have to make them himself...don't let your WH make you do this for him....and he will if you let him.
Calmly tell him you are not going to ask him to leave...that if he leaves you will not LB or beg him to stay...that you don't want him to be there if he feels that the marriage doesn't have a chance...and then let him go if he still wants to. That doesn't mean he won't be back...but it will leave him with something to think about if he does decide to leave.<p>Don't make any hasty decisions right now...give yourself time to get over some of the intense pain you are feeling...to reach a level where you can begin to deal with what has happened and what problems lie at the root of it. Nows the time to bone up on MB...and let things settle for a while...you both need it after the ordeal you've been through.<p>Faye