Please help!!!<p>I have been going through a lot of thinking lately, a lot of memmories pop on my head, race back and forth, torture me and then go back to the awful box they came from.<p>I need to know my H loves me, I need to know I am better than the OW, that I did much better on every sense, it is... just pure pride, I know, and it may end up as a big LB, but... I can't take this recovery not knowing if he misses her or not.<p>I need to know what to do with this feelings, I can't go anywhere without thinking: "Is he having a better time with me? Is he thinking of her? Does he miss her? Am I doing something wrong?"<p>I have to be careful with what I think, with what I say, where we go. I am tired of being banned by him to places OW used to love, like this stupid Italian restaurant he wont take me to because she wanted to go there all the time... what, is that it is their special exclusive place or something????... of course I won't say anything like this to him, since that would be a huge LB, and I keep it in, let it rot me a bit more... and it is not healthy.<p>What do I do???, what do I say?<p>I also feel that I need him to call her, call her and tell her what he has told me about her, that she was an awfull person, that he hates her now, and that he feels he would be better off without even knowing her at all, that she is a b*^#! and that he wishes he never ever sees her again.
But that would be a LB too, wouldn't it???<p>I want him to tell me what is it that I lacked, what did I do wrong, but all he says is that I never lacked anything or did anything wrong, that I gave him all and more than he could wish for, but that isn't helping at all.<p>
Please please please, help!

You gave him all he could wish for and more???? then why the A. That sounds like a slap to you, but it's not intended to be. My point is that there WERE things that he was lacking and he needs to let you know what those are, otherwise, he'll be vulnerable to another A.<p>I don't know exactly how to go about getting that out of him. I'm about to start reading HNHN, maybe that'll help.<p>If the subject of contacting OW comes up, I probably wouldn't have him call her....I'd think a letter would be better. He should write it and you should approve it, and it should be mailed (preferably with some white powder...BAD KEVIN!). Anyway, I believe that's the prescribed manner of ending the A in "How Affairs Should End" in the articles section of MB.<p>Hope that helps a little.<p>K

Hi, <p>You gotta step back and breathe. Your H is home with you? Showing signs that he is working on your marriage? Reassess your situation. Write down the pros and cons. Look at what you have, then write down what you feel you need. <p>You have to pull yourself together or you will become your own worst enemy. If the OW is out of your life (no communication between H and OW and OW is not calling or sneaking around), then count your blessings. How long has he been home? <p>Withdrawal can be long and hard It can come in spurts. You need to be patient. <p>Do you have a counselor? You may need to see a doctor if you feel like you are losing control of yourself. <p>You are not alone in this. These panic type of posts show up here often. You will survive. The question is how and when. We will be here to help. I have a friend in the same age bracket as you that went through the same thing. Her H was young also (hey, I am old enough to be your mom - I think?!?!)..... It was rough going for them, they finally made it into recovery and are doing well. <p>Read this over and let me know how you are doing. OK?<p>L.

*sigh*<p>-Kevco,
Yes I know, I ask him and ask him what was it that I couldn't give him, what was he craving for that moved him into starting the A, and that also moved him into thinking of OW while having sex with me after the A was over and there was no contact with OW.
All he says is that he doesn't know, and that he used to think of other people during sex because thats what he had always done [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>-Orchid,
Yes he is at home, but I just had my D-Day about a month ago, all this revelations about the A and some problems with his past are driving me insane, since now a lot of bad things going on through our marriage make a lot more sense, even the way his family used to treat me (with a lot of pitty and other very very weird things going on).<p>I try to reassure my own confidence, but it isn't helping.<p>He wrote a letter to the OW, but hasn't mailed it because he has no idea where she is, (she is paranoid about everybody knowing where she is unless she needs something off you, a very sick psychotic person), and I dont want to have to loose my time looking for her address. I just wish there was some way to deliver the message.

Alostwife,<p>Welcome to MB - and you're not lost at all [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] If you've found MB then you've found a very wondeful place, full of very wonderful people and full of some very good advice.<p>Remember that OPs are normally lacking some ENs in their own lives. So, the prey on weak relationships - if they get a sniff, they'll take what they can get. Despite knowing that the WS is married, they'll work their poison until they get what they want. OPs deal in the leftovers of other peoples lives. The are the LOST ONES - it is they that are the LOOSERS - not you.<p>Your H has probably realised this for himself. He's probably realised that you are the truest person in his life and by being weak he's let you, himself and your relationship down. <p>I've been a BS and a WS (it was my choice) and the best advice I can give is, don't compete with the enemy. You aren't better or worse than the OP - you are you. Take pride and strength in that. If you're taking care of being the best person you can be, then you'll bet way better (in every aspect) than any OP could ever be.<p>So, don't go to that restuarant that 'they' used to got to - it's probably cheap and nasty anyway - go to one that characterises your personality and where you have fun. And don't be jealous - you are playing with a full deck of cards and you can do so much more than the OP could ever do.<p>I used to take my wife flowers and SMS here as often as I could because the OM couldn't do it. I'd take her to a restaurant I liked because the OM couldn't do that either. It's important for you to realise that it's the OP that is in the weak situation not you. By trying to compete you're lowering yourself to their standards. And that's your advantage - you don't have to.<p>take care,<p>- Freddy.

Hi, <p>If you need to send the letter then do it. Look for the address if you must. <p>Tell H, if he can't mail the letter, will an add in the personals column do? Hey OW, we are through, you are a psyco kook. Oops bad idea..... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] This part was added to make you laugh a little. <p>You need to refocus on you. Ask your H for ideas to help you through this rough time. See what ideas he comes up with. Don't be too disappointed if he comes up with some you don't like. Just listen to what he says. This is a way to encourage communication. <p>You say his family gave you signs before. What were they? Can you use that to help your situation?<p>L.

Thanks Freddy, Orchid and Kevco.
Freddy your post made me find some extra courage hiding behind an old can of tomato soup on the pantry of my brain [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] (boy am I loosing it???, lol).
Orchid, the ad would actually be quite hillarious [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] wonder if it would work? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
And Kevco, definetly the white powder idea had me chuckling for a while [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I really needed to laugh sooo much!<p>Freddy after you mentioned the restaurant being cheap and that you wanted to take your W to places the OM never could take her to, well that is more or less what he told me once, I guess I was so distressed trying not to imagine them both together I forgot about listening that very important detail. Thanks a million [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Orchid, he had an affair with the wife of a distant cousin of his back when he was younger, several years before we even met, but he never told me and the OWH always tried to make comments about this A, which my H ended because he realized it was dead wrong and which he just recently discovered was a game between the OW and her H (they were trying to get even at each other because they had been cheating on each other for a long while, and my H thought the OW had actually loved him, WRONG).
The OWH has been trying to make passes at me since he set eyes on me, I thought it was just a stupid sick person with no reason to do it and I always was running away from him, turns out he had a reason, that everybody knew of but me, and that I have been his laughing stock and the pitty platter of the rest of his family for a long long while, since I stupidly, volunteered to baby sit the OW kids, and even offered my shoulder to her to cry about her now DH!<p>Oh well...

Well here goes an update...<p>Yesterday I told him about me posting on this forum, I already had directed him to the site, and we filled the questionaires and are under radical honesty, so I decided it was the best to tell him, even though I feel somewhat ackward and exposed, all this time I tried to hide all my feelings about the A in fear he would run away, or make him feel miserable.<p>He took it well, and read most of what I have written so far, he was surprise I actually was that desperate for counseling and help, and got to see in writting my point of view.<p>We sat in bed and talked about all of this, and he said he had started the A with his exgf back when we were engaged because he was so used to that kind of abusive relationship he just thought he could fix it. Of course this makes no sense either, why would you settle for spoiled nasty food when you have a gourmet meal served? Beats me.<p>He said he did not miss her, and that he had realized that never on his life he had been in love, that he had been utterly needy and desperate enough to make himself believe he even knew what love was, and that nobody had ever been in love with him appart from me, that he was completely and totally sure he had never felt what love was really like untill I came into his life.<p>That made me feel a little better and I could get some sleep, but I am still having problems coping with the nightmares. Ok i should better get going now, we are going to take lunch together.<p>I also have this weird sensation on my head, like if he was a completely different man that suddenly had popped out of the nothing, I feel like I am living with someone I just started dating, and it is a scary thought... any inputs on that?

You are right... you are with a totally different man now. The life experiences that you have both recently been through has changed you forever. The key is to make those changes work FOR you, not against you.<p>You've got to give yourself time to get over the anguish, hurt, despair, etc of d-day. You said it was only one month ago. I don't want to make you more upset... but you're only at the beginning of it all.<p>Once you are able to get past the A (for the most part... b/c there will always be that memory of the entire event), THEN is when you and your H can really get to work on those issues that caused your marital environment prior to the A.<p>Do I assume right when I think that your d-day and recovery day were around the same time? If that's so, then that's a GOOD thing. There are many on here who wish that their WS's would want to fix the M upon initial discovery of the A.<p>As per usual.. everyone is different. And how we go through recovery varies, especially by timeframes. In my case, H and I have been in recovery for 5 months now. I STILL have thoughts of OW#1, and it's taking one h3ll of a toll on our sex life. Somehow, picturing her with my H gets me out (and keeps me out) of the 'mood'. Gee... I wonder why??? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] But H and I talk about it, and he realizes that his actions are what's causing us this problem now. We talk about it, it gets it out of the way again, and we can move on to things that matter in our M.. the things that we were missing prior to the A's.<p>Back to your initial post... you need to talk to your H about your questions.. about whether he misses OW or not. BUT BE CAREFUL!!! You have to expect that he'll tell you, "yes, I do miss her". Shoot... you may as well assume that. And upon doing so.. what difference does it make? You still need to plan A (and so does he). Would you plan A any more or less if he didn't miss her? I hope not. <p>Keep in mind... that actions speak louder than words. Right now, your H's actions are at a positive. He's with YOU, right? NOT the OW. Let him help you work through this mess together. You cannot do it on your own. And whatever you do... don't pretend that things are okay when they're not. Instead, talk about them, but in a proactive way (no LBing! grin).<p>It sounds to me as though your H is ready to open up wholly with you now. Listen to him. Don't judge. You're in a place where so many wish they were. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Karen

Thanks for the comments Topie!<p>Yes I try to take the fact that he is a different man to my advantage, but sometimes I miss knowing my husband, of course this is a kind of fake feeling since turns out I never actually did know him, but it was a kind of... lifeline [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>He really wants to make things better, he says he wants to start from the very bottom of the ladder and propose once again, and marry me again, because I just don't think our marriage is valid anymore, since all this lying and cheating is waaaay out of the contract, and he admitted to lying to me into marrying him for fear that I'd go away.<p>He also has finally said that he used to treat me badly and forget about me because we were always tight on money matters and that angered him, he admits he should have talked to me instead of playing with my head and being a [censored], and that I never deserved such treatment.<p>It seems he also thinks he used to be abusive because thats how his exgf's used to treat him and he thought that was treating someone right [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How do you date your own husband??? I don't understand, I try but I can't [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]