I spoke with Steve Harley today. Told him about my week. We covered many topics.<p>He agreed with the way I handled getting caught hiring a P.I. He said I have no reason to defend doing it and no reason to apologize or feel guilty. In fact he said I should continue in some way to find proof of continued contact.<p>We also talked about my aunt dying and my W asking if I wanted her to go to the funeral. He also agreed with the way I handled that. There was no reason for me to put myself in an uncomfortable position just so she could meet some need to be supportive or to relieve her of some guilt.<p>I asked him about contesting her grounds for divorce and counterfiling. I was a little unsure of his reason for recommending this. He said I should counterfile so she has to face what she's done and have it on record. This will give me closure if she follows through. It will also buy me time. I want the truth, and he said even if she tells me the truth, continue with counterfiling. She won't want this on record, and even if she does tell me the truth it won't matter if only we know. He said the A has to be exposed for anything to change.<p>He also recommended adamantly pursuing selling the house so we can be away from each other. This is necessary for plan B, but I told him that once the house is sold, it will be hard for me to turn back. I guess I'll cross that road if it arises.<p>He wants me to ask my W to call him so he can get her perspective on what I did wrong and what I can do differently in my next relationship. I'm really hesitant to do this, but I guess I've got nothing to lose.<p>I talked to my W about how we're going to handle Thanksgiving with our daughter. She want's to split the holiday, but I'd rather alternate holidays. I guess we'll have to work that out.<p>All in all, I got the impression I'm handling everything pretty well. For now, I'll just wait to get served.<p>Faith1, anything new from you???<p>sad dad

Hi, sd!
Thanks for the update. It's good to hear what Steve recommends. That helps me to hear also his reasons for why you should contest. Yes, go ahead and see if your W will call. You may need to reassure her that Steve is not going to pressure her to stay married or tell her she's wrong or anything. My H was really relieved the one time he called that Steve didn't fuss at him or anything.<p>me? well... I actually haven't been served either. He thought I was gonna just sign that agreement and he could file and be done with it. Since I didn't sign it, the D hasn't actually been filed. He filed a complaint. I finally got some of these answers today. I have been confused, but not rushing, since I hadn't been "served". I answered back to him what I would agree to sign for settlement, and he was upset at what I was asking for. I bascially tell him that he is the one that walked out on the marriage and had an A, and if we can't come to an agreement on what I get for my commitment to the marriage, then I will contest. I don't wanna contest, and I won't if we can agree to something fair.<p>Soooo, he's supposed to give me something back tomorrow. We'll see what happens there. If we agree, then we'll both sign, and we'll file it and be done. If not, he'll have me served, and then I'll retain a lawyer and contest.<p>I'm glad we don't have kids, but I'm not gonna sit back and let him just walk away without facing some responsibility to me. <p>Emotionally? I'm fine. I don't want a D, so I'm not rushing. And I hate all the "business" of it... but my love bank is so low, that emotionally I'm fine.<p>Thanks for askin! Hang in there! I'm rootin for ya!

faith1,<p>You're situation is different than mine, so I can understand why you may not want to contest it. Whether you D or work things out, there is not a child that will be affected by all of this. Also, your husband admits the A so nothing would be gained by counterfiling. My W's continued denial about OM indicates to me just how much this goes against her core values and beliefs.<p>It's funny how BS's and WS's view what's fair. Regarding Thanksgiving, I told my W that I would like to have our daughter that day, and she could have her on xmas eve and xmas day, and I would have her on xmas night. She could have her on Easter since her family always gets together and mine doesn't. Seems fair to me. She didn't see it that way. I'm not surprised. If we can't agree, maybe we'll just flip a coin.<p>sad dad

Hi SD- I think Steve's advice is very sound.I've never called him myself but I see my own counselor here and have read the Harley books. I agree completely that your W's A needs to be exposed. Not hid away in her closet. The further it is exposed against the way her moral code USED to be the more likely it is to have a jarring impact on her when she sees that it will cause all sorts of messy court dates,hearings, legal bills, holiday disagreements along with problems with relatives, embarassment, shame, guilt, etc! I think she is in denial aboutthe true impact of her own feelings- she could be in a numb state like my H was during that time. My H was acting COMPLETELY different and saying things he used to be against- ie.-divorce not being harmful to our kids, that he never felt emotionally bonded to me, that our marriage was hopeless, etc etc! I was shocked whenever he would talk like that. Thank goodness he NEVER talks like that now. But its taken a good 6 months for him to unwind from that numb take-no responsibility mind-set after finally ending all contact with OW. The emotional pain he put me thru during those months was incredible. I am still reeling from it. However I have gained alot of internal strength and emotional fortitude as a result. I now rely more on myself to meet my own needs rather than worrying about HIM all the time. Take care- lifeismessy

lim, <p>I hear ya. I do think my W is deep in denial. This goes against everything she stood for and every value her parents tried to instill in her.
As far as Thanksgiving, it's really important to have my daughter spend it with me. It may be the last Thanksgiving that my mother will remember having a granddaughter, but I don't want to use guilt to get my W to agree.<p>sad dad