Okay folks, need some help / encouragement here...<p>WW is away till Sunday at a conference. OM shouldn't be there, although she will have some opportunity to see him, if she really wants. She didn't have to spend last night (or tonight) away, in reality. She's chosen to do so to have some time "to herself" - I tend to believe her for some reason. She called last night from a hotel - I let the machine get it - playing hard to get until she gets back. Let her wonder a bit.<p>What I'm wrestling with today is whether I can really, honestly continue in Plan A, or whether I should adopt the "set her free" policy. (Setting her free for me means politely encouraging her to leave - and once she leaves, adopting Plan B to protect my love bank.)<p>The past few days, I've been honestly questioning my love for her. Part of it is my self-respect starting to scream at me. I know, I know, you're supposed to be a doormat in Plan A. I just don't feel like one anymore - that's a change for me from even a few weeks ago.<p>And yesterday, I had an epiphany. I was explaining my situation to Steve: the current EA, the previous PA that occurred before we were married (8 yrs), continued even after we were married, and only revealed to me just before she started individual counseling sessions about 6 weeks ago (a local therapist). He was like "that must have been a relief for her, to get that out." Indeed it was. He went on, "I can see how something like that would build a wall between you two - keep you from making a real connection with her having to contain that secret for so long. You could have been Don Juan and likely had problems." Yes! Yes! Yes! I was the one to describe to her my feeling that we'd lost achieving a "connection" - my exact words to her recently.<p>So more than ever, I feel bitter - about being cheated out of a real marriage of quality. Of course, I'm not shifting all the blame to her - I know better. I could have done so much more. But I feel like some of what I've suspected is real and I'm not crazy. And maybe I feel a larger degree of empathy for my W - she feels the same way, likely.<p>But Steve encouraged me in my Plan A. I realize that I've got to suffer some more to get to the end goal. Today it just seems easier to throw in the towel - being alone seems better than this - today anyway. I know WW would on some level be relieved by my doing that. She could maybe stop having mild suicidal thoughts, begin to live normally, etc. - would almost be a gift for her. How messed up is that?<p>As he pointed out, she's confused. And that's an okay state for her right now. There are several encouraging signs from her - I should probably be more patient. It's just so hard.<p>Anyhow, I'll throw in a couple of additional questions to get some opinions:<p>- Assume for a moment that WW does leave. She finds a place in the city she works in (50 miles from here - I commute 50 miles or so opposite direction for my work). She now has great access to OM, but is isolated from our "stuff", the security and familiarity of our current life, but gets a "real taste" of life alone - and with him.<p>- Assume that I leave, say as part of a Plan B. She's now stuck with our current place, may decide to move, but at least in the short term has a comfortable place that's familiar, contains stuff with memory-value, and has relatively poorer access to OM (OM can't drive BTW - no car, no license). But that doesn't mean she won't get a taste of life alone or with OM - just more inconvenient for her.<p>In this case, it would seem that the second option might have more benefit to me in the short term. I bring this up because on another thread, a comment was made that the WS should be the one to move out. Thoughts? Is my situtation different because of access to OM? Can Plan B involve "strongly encouraging" the WS to leave, or is part of the effect the BS actually leaving?<p>Also, I posed this question before, but my mind currently being mush can't recall all the answers... when you've seen an A die its natural death, what factors caused that death - WS spontaneously de-fogged? OP's behavior? WS/OP realize incompatible? etc.<p>Anyway, I have a ton of stuff to do today - I'll check back later! Have a good one!

JR SAID: The past few days, I've been honestly questioning my love for her. Part of it is my self-respect starting to scream at me. I know, I know, you're supposed to be a doormat in Plan A. I just don't feel like one anymore - that's a change for me from even a few weeks ago.
I didn&#8217;t understand your statement or maybe you forgot a word in there, but
No, JR, plan A is NOT Plan Doormat. Plan A is improving yourself and being the best you can be for her and for yourself. Showing her the best of your love, so that when and if you do go to Plan B, she will realize what it is that she is missing. Plan A to me sounds more like &#8220;WS gets their cake and eat it too&#8221;, for awhile, anyway. You don&#8217;t beg, or plead on Plan A. Plan A is sort of letting them go and smothering them in kindness and love at the same time. Its very very difficult. It seems like its everything opposite what you Naturally want to do. If you just can&#8217;t take the hurt and pain anymore (Isn&#8217;t it the pits that it&#8217;s the BS who has to continue to take the hits for awhile???? Ugh!!!!!&#8230;.) then you move to Plan B to protect yourself and your feelings. NO CONTACT and let them really realize what they are missing or letting them go and getting on with your life as neither plan guarantees that you will remain with your spouse or things will work out. No guarantees because we can&#8217;t control the other person.<p>I don&#8217;t have any words of wisdom for you regarding the potential scenarios you listed. Just hang in there as long as you can.

>>>> plan A is NOT Plan Doormat <<<<<p>Yes, true enough. But by trying to be empathetic, that's how it's starting to make me feel. I think that it's becoming more and more like that - it didn't used to be. But the more self-respect I recover, the more I find it to be difficult. But I also clearly understand that it isn't about trying to "win her over", etc. - it's about me. And I'm focusing on that. Again, the part that I'm finding hard is that I'm simply growing weary of her fog-talk and fog-actions - maybe I'm progressing too fast here - my therapist noted I do have excellent coping skills - I realize I should just relax and let things happen more by themselves - what's the rush anyway? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

If you're having such a hard time with Plan A now, it's probably b/c your love bank is being depleted too much. It's good that you're starting to question moving into plan B now. That might be what you need.<p>You don't have to be in plan B to think about it and work on it. There are plenty of preparations involved. Perhaps using some of your time and energy to look into what you would need to do to move to plan B would be enough to keep you 'patient' to your W? You could still plan A at this time.<p>Karen