I have brought this topic up with H in a very non-LB way...<p>I feel my boys are at daycare too long. Tonight his reason was he saw a frat brother he hadn't seen in 5 or 6 years. He takes the boys to school by 7:30 a.m. He usually doesn't pick them up before 6:00 p.m. This week and last week it has been almost 7:00 p.m. before his is home with them.<p>I was mad tonight. 2nd night in a row dinner is on the edge because he has called and said he is on the way...then gets sidetracked. I started off okay...tried to focus on my issue...boys in daycare too long...then he just got mad...said he didn't want to be on my schedule...that if I wanted the boys home earlier, I should pick them up.<p>Been there...done that...got the t-shirt...Sure I can pick them up...supervise homework...cook dinner...set the table...clean up...do a couple of loads of laundry...all because Mr. MidLife Crisis has decided he no longer wants to be married and his children are 'his fault.' He should have never 'accomodated' my need for them, because he didn't want them. O, and don't forget I strongarmed him into getting married.<p>I guess I feel cheated. I went into this marriage trusting we were on the same page...and I find out 12 years later we are not...in fact my whole life is a lie...<p>Now I get to live in fear...when is he leaving? I just get to wait? Wait and wait....and anytime I bring anything up ...any way I bring it up...it just begets anger...anger...anger...<p>"I don't want to talk to you...I don't want to live with you...I don't want to be around you." And, in your face, I will NOT where my ring...I will be as late as I want to be...I will do what I want to do...F*** You...<p>Well...I guess that's it...just needed to vent...hopefully this has helped.

Have the daycare tell him the children can only stay for 9 hours a day. That is a law here. My daycare told me that and I had to see that they were picked up.<p>
SLH

expectations are premeditated resentments....<p>He's not the guy you want him to be. When you accept that this is who he is - some of that anger will fade.<p>Stop counting on him to get the kids, he won't, and expecting that he will is only causing both you and your boys problems.<p>The reality is that you have to pick them up yourself or leave them in daycare. OR is there another solution? Regardless, the reality that you want, where your H picks them up on time, doesn't exist.<p>(((hugs)))

Wow!
It sounds like you're on the verge of another blow-up. If you are choosing to wait "Mr. MLC" out, then you have to let this go... again.<p>I think that whenever you doubt that decision, you start to push a bit. Maybe to see if pushing makes you feel better than just taking it?<p>We all agree that this sucks. And, it's clear that he sets you up to respond this way.<p>To add to BR's post, will he participate in finding another solution?<p>Jeffers

thanks still love him...where are you? Not sure if there is a 'law' about it in California.<p>Bramble...how right you are...another one of those 'expectations' I have to let go so that I can let go of the anger and resentment too...<p>Jeffers...nice to hear from you again...I was wondering how you were...you know...when I posted this I looked at the calendar...yep...very close to PMS...You'd have been proud...I really did keep my cool...and yep...I was 'tired' so I 'pushed.' That and a friend told me she had seen OW and 'she' wasn't wearing her wedding ring...so is the real issue the boys...dinner...or the fact I'm wondering if they have some kind of pact not to wear their rings? I really hate my life and what it has become. I have so much for which to be greatful...but I am so sad and so angry.

Quote..."Now I get to live in fear...when is he leaving? I just get to wait? Wait and wait....and anytime I bring anything up ...any way I bring it up...it just begets anger...anger...anger...<p>"I don't want to talk to you...I don't want to live with you...I don't want to be around you." And, in your face, I will NOT where my ring...I will be as late as I want to be...I will do what I want to do...F*** You..."<p>TA,<p>Is this really how you want to live your life? This picture looks like emotional abuse to me. More and more and more of Plan A will not change the way your H feels,dealing with the reality of his choices and/or refusal to choose will. There's no respect in living in a marriage like the one you described. He has to respect you before he can have a healthy love for you.

TA,<p>Childcare issues - UGH! That is a sure fire topic for arguments and springboard for LBs, at least it always has been for us.<p>If you are waiting out Mr. MLC, then you are going to have to figure out a way to keep your sanity. I remember the MLC sites talking about just giving the MLCer time and room to figure it out, being patient, keeping the pressure off, yada, yada, yada. I guess this goes for childcare, too.<p>I would bet that he won't participate in finding a more workable option. I would bet that he either continues to aggravate you, or you give up and pick them up, or you find a more workable arrangement. I think that would be a winning bet, it would be 100% accurate in the case of our M, at least up until H finally started "getting it" and started taking some responsibility for his children, his conduct, and his mess.<p>Okay, so now I am venting a little... And I am done now.<p>Your H is being selfish, again, inconsiderate, again, and irresponsible, again. He is still in the Fog, still in denial, still unwilling to face the damage he has done.<p>He has such a long, long way to go. So, please don't wait on him for solutions or alternatives. Make sure you take care of you and your boys. You obviously can't count on him in this state.<p>I am afraid I don't have any advice, just hugs and genuine understanding. Hang in there, TA. You are doing great. I am amazed at your resilience. Your boys (and your H) are very lucky to have you.<p>OneDay

Hey M,<p>I know all the uncertainties you're living under. What a weight.<p>But I think this Day Care thing has understandably surfaced issues that shouldn't be part of this particular problem. One thing at a time, TA. Try not to group all the things that aren't resolved yet into one BIG unsolvable Mountain.<p>I say follow BrambleR's suggestion and start to pick them up yourself if you have to. Less stress all the way around. I know you do too much already, the good news is they won't be in day care the rest of their lives.<p>Good thing you vented here. Keep it up, we can take it.<p>Lv,
Jo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by TryingAgain:
<strong>.<p>Now I get to live in fear...when is he leaving? I just get to wait? Wait and wait....and anytime I bring anything up ...any way I bring it up...it just begets anger...anger...anger...<p>".</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Do I ever know that feeling, I lived with it for over 2 yrs but you know when he finally left for good, I felt like this weight had been lifted. Not that I am doing so great, I have been getting more and more depressed the last few months but it doesn't all have to do with him. I don't live in fear anymore that I will say or do something that will make him chose the OW. He chose when I wasn't around, there was nothing I could do, I couldn't fight any more.<p>Pick up your kids, don't wait for him to do. Don't make demands any more on him, he wants to be single, let him, and see how he really likes it. Easier said than done.<p>I remember one of the old timers think it is Lor(lor) who said while she didn't do Plan B, she just acted like she was divorce, now they have been in recovery for a very long time.<p>Hope your are feeling better, and I bet the rings have a lot to do with it.<p>[ November 20, 2001: Message edited by: sing ]</p>

mthrr...for so long I was angry and displayed it inappropriately...he is not being abusive...I am just 'enabling' the unintentional abuse...like you have told me before...let him go...modified plan b...okay I told him to leave...he didn't leave...do I push him out the door? In my heart of hearts, am I really hearing that I should stay and wait it out or is it just wishful thinking?<p>OneDay...resilience or plain Texan cussedness??? Thanks for your support...<p>Resilience...Part of me likes that he has to pick them up...kind of an 'accountability' issue ya' know? Silly...Stupid...controlling...Lord help me give this up...<p>sing...yeah...it was probably more about the rings that 'made' me push...thanks for your words of support.<p>There is an upside...my penchant to look for things for which to be greatful...my mom is visiting and everyday I have come home to something else 'done.' One more messy area cleaned up....I just told her that there could be no 'martyr mommy.' If she did it, I would be greatful...but she didn't HAVE to... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I too agree with BR, but in addition I think he should be responsible for kids too. The way it works though is you have to let him do it his way (assuming he isn't endangering the kids. Why don't you make it a point to be gone at 7pm, then he can feed the kids etc. BUT if he can get em home by 6, you will.....natural consequences c a l i....natural consequences that is how this game is played. Don'r enable him, and IMO is long past time to play hardball, if he leaves he leaves, but do not let him dump all the work on you.

Hi TA,<p>Daycare.....oh boy, I can relate. Listen hon, daycare is just another reason he can use to push your buttons. Take the button away. <p>How? <p>1. Setup a schedule:
ex: M & W - H picks up kids and does
homework
W does dinner

Tu & Th - H does dinner
W picks up kids and does
homework

F - Family nite - kids cook
H picks up kids. <p>Now be prepared that the dinner may not be to your standards. That's why he only has 2 nites a week!<p>Just a thought. Easy to make up these arrangements but much harder to live. <p>Is this like setting boundaries? Maybe. Isn't life like that? Oh yeah, not in the fog. But in real life we make arrangement and adjustments all the time don't we? Why should you and your family be treated any less? You shouldn't. <p>Sending a {{hug}} to a very nice lady. <p>JMHO,
L.

Hi TA. Sorry I have been so preoccupied with my own stuff that it took so long to respond. Sounds like you are having a rough night tonight as well. <p><<<<<<TA>>>>>>>><p>Thanks for taking the time to post on my other thread even though you are obviously distraught.<p>You have come a long way, and I am glad you are able to recongnize these things and you are more open to your thoughts/feelings. It's so aggravating that our H's aren't on the same page though isn't it?<p>I'm not sure it's a good idea to play games with your H (I sort of see SnL's example as a game). Although, I'm not sure you can talk to him like an adult either (my problem too it seems). <p>Let me know if you figure it out...<p>Just one quick question, is he still SEEING OW??? I thought at one time he wasn't, then it was this other young-un, is he still with OW sometimes or have you just given up paying attention to it? Youch. <p>HbH

Thanks Orchid...we have tried 'schedules,' he won't do his part and I end up feeling cheated...there is always some good 'reason' why he is late...or dinner isn't planned....but, for me, it is running thin...<p>This whole A thing was allegedly because the balance of power in our marriage was tilted toward me and he was so giving...giving...giving...crapola...the whole A thing is because he is selfish and the world revolves around him, his wants and his needs, and the little bit of himself he is willing to give.<p>HbH...<p>we did get new cell phones...there were no recognizable phone calls to either OW or Young-un...but he could be calling them from school...part of me really doesn't care...if he's going to put so much effort into keeping contact with them and so little effort repairing our marriage what do I care?<p>Hmmm...sounds like I took the bitter pill today [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

trying again<p>I am in NC. Check the law in CA.<p>Maybe he can get kids ready to go to school and you could pick them up. My WH gets our Kids up and gets them off to school and is home when they come home.<p>Stay strong and good luck<p>come here to vent. We are all with you <p>
SLH

TA,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by TryingAgain:
<strong>This whole A thing was allegedly because the balance of power in our marriage was tilted toward me and he was so giving... giving... giving... crapola... the whole A thing is because he is selfish and the world revolves around him, his wants and his needs, and the little bit of himself he is willing to give.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Now that was very well stated! Applies to my M, to a "T".<p>That said, my H now does "get it". After 5 years of deteriorating into an alien life form then hitting rock bottom and dragging me down with him and keeping us both there for more than a year, he really does "get it". I replied to an e-mail he sent earlier today (long story, I'll spare the details), and said to him about his recent conduct "will wonders never cease?". I also ask him regularly, "Who are you? You look just like my H, but act like a completely different person. If your evil twin comes back, can we agree to get rid of him quickly?"<p>So, TA, while I realize that you feel understandably hopeless, we are living proof that "wonders never cease". I really, really wish for wonders to happen in your home. You deserve it!<p>Thinking of you,<p>OneDay