I don't even know what to say. I just feel the need to vent. Actually feel the need to scream, but my neighbours might think I'm crazy. <p>The Positives:
*Have had some great conversations w/ H this week. Still no talk about M, but we've got along really well, laughed ect...He continues to send me text messages about things that happen throughout his day. This wouldn't have happened just a few weeks after Dday, so I feel this is major progress. I get emails throughout the day, as well. This morning, I sent him one asking about a computer problem I was having and instead of emailing me back, he rang. It was an easy prob to solve, and he could have very well just emailed me back an answer. But he rang. He then rang me a few hours later to tell me about his brother's new car. Again, this is major progress - he has been initiating contact. All good!
*We had a date on Wednesday night. And while he didn't spend the night, we had such a good time. When he left, I got a hug and a kiss. All good!<p>The Negatives:
*OW is STILL very much part of his life! He went to her house last weekend and I've just found out that she is at his this weekend. I'm seeing a pattern here, with my pain. At first it hurts really bad and eventually I get over it (as the weekend goes on)<p>I'm praying hard (not being a religious person, this feels very weird and hypocritical of me), I'm doing a great job at Plan A and I AM seeing results, but he just can't/won't let her go!<p>I rang him tonight to ask about a phone call I just received (been getting "hang up" calls lately...suspect it's OW), so I wanted to ask H if he knew where she was, so I could see if it was her. Turns out she's there with him now and had just arrived before I rang. Well, correlating the time of the call and the time she arrived, it definitely could have been her. H is aware that this has been happening to me, and has agreed not to say anyting to OW until we know for sure. He's even going to help me try to trace some anonymous emails and web links I've been getting. <p>I ended the call saying to him that I was in pain that she was there. He said to me in a really nice way, "I'm sorry. But you want me to be honest, so I am". Which in some sick way made me feel better. He actually sounded as if he was sorry I was hurting. So strange. I then said to him, "please be careful. I love you very, very much". We said goodbye, but he wouldn't hang up. Something we used to always do before the A. Just say bye to each other a thousand times before finally hanging up. <p>I feel so crap. I just rang one our mutual friends to have a cry and they said "we're coming to get you". Very sweet of them, as I really don't want to be alone tonight. Ironically enough, they live right around the corner from my H and I will be within a stone's throw of the OW and her car. <p>God, give the strength to not slash her tires tonight. LOL! No, I wouldn't do that. I'm much better than that!<p>Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I needed that. Someone please tell me I should still be in Plan A and that it's working!!!!!!<p>Going quietly insane on the rollercoaster,
venusenvy

Hi Venus,<p>I don't have alot to say, I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain and that I am thinking about you. I am going through the exact same thing. Actually, this is the first time I realized how similar our situations are (except for the lesbian part). I too was married only a year. My H and I were together for 5 years before we got married. D-Day for me was mid-October as well. My H moved out at that time. <p>Unfortunately, my H and I have not seen each other since D-Day. We are finally in contact again (we were in Plan B for five weeks) through e-mail but he tells me he can't/won't see me. This is eating me alive, however, I am trying to be strong and not let him know this. <p>As I mentioned in a post to you yesterday, I draw alot of strength from you. You are a very courageous woman and you are doing a great job. Keep up the good work- you are an inspiration to us Plan A'ers! <p>It is good to see you are also trying so desperately to save your M after 1 year. So many people feel that because I have been married for such a short time that I should just cut my losses and move on. Maybe they are right. <p>Yet, I know my H is a great guy who made a horrible mistake. He treated me like a queen while we were dating, but hindsight shows me that this is because we were meeting each others EN's. If only I had the knowledge going into the marriage that I have now...... As they say, hindsight is 20/20.<p>Have a great weekend and stay strong. <p>AS

V,<p><<<<<<<<< hugs >>>>>>>>>>><p>you should be in Plan A and it's working. You're also going insane but not very quietly [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Years back, I was in a seminar for relieving stress and the instructor gave us a tip. He said the best thing to do the next time we felt stressed was at the next stop light, wind the car window down and at the top of your lungs shout 'BOLLOX' <p>Try it, it really works [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] The only side effect is either people think you're mad or some roudy local will punch your lights out. Either way, the stress is gone [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>take care,<p>- Freddy

Dear Venus:
I have mostly posted on the emotional needs board..but I just wanted to say you are an extremely brave and thoughtful soul...<p>I hope your husband and wakes up soon and realizes this...his loss would be so much greater than yours...and the real question down the line may be is he worthy of you...<p>keep fighting the good fight....I wish you peace...
and if you ever need some one to hit him over his head with the frying pan ..I would volunteer...<p>be good to yourself...
ARK

Thanks to everyone. I really was not in a good place last night. But like I said, it's always like that the minute I find out he's with her on the weekends. <p>Thanks for reaffirming that I'm still doing the right thing. Such is the way of Plan A, I suppose. I'm certainly not feeling like a doormat, but I do feel like I make progress during the week and then he shoves me back again on the weekends. It's SO frustrating! <p>It also does my head in knowing that she's in the same city as me right now! I mean, honestly, if she even had ANY idea how many of mine and my H's friends wanted to drive over there right now and have words with her, she would flip! As it turned out, I spent the night at our friends house and it wasn't really that difficult to stay away from H's place. I entertained thoughts of calling up OW and inviting her to the pub for a drink, but know that this would freak my H out to no end.<p>There are just so many things I would want to tell her that I'm SURE she doesn't know. Does she have any idea that my H and I have been intimate over the past month? Does she know that I was the first person he called after he crashed the car because he "wanted someone there who loved him"? Does she know he came back to my place afterward and we held each other all night? Does she know that he and I go on dates every week? Does she know how much he contacts me? <p>Also started reading SAA. Hard stuff to read, really. But I'm guessing that my H is still very much in the fog. Sometimes it seems to clear a bit, though. And then he sees her and it all comes rolling back in. I get angry just thinking about it.<p>Advice Seeker - THANK YOU so much for the compliments! I'm certainly happy that someone is taking inspiration from me and my efforts. While it's so important to be strong for myself, it is also very nice to know that I'm helping others, as well. You're a star, too!<p>Thanks again, everyone! Hugs to you all!
venusenvy

Venuslady<p>(((hugs)))<p>I think you are doing a wonderful job, and it is working! He is WANTING to share company with you more and more! And you are doing a great job of making it non-confrontational and an easy place to be - to be in your company.<p>Hang in there!<p>Okay... now here is your homework:<p>I want you to make a list of things that you like to do - things that make you happy - (and occupied) that are things that you would not be doing if husband was around.<p>
1) Internet. chatting with my friends from MB.
2) (dry and boring, I know) Wal-mart.
3) HGTV. (we have one TV, so I only get to watch when family is gone!)
4) TBN
5) Sewing projects
6) Designing my new kitchen
7) Updating my web-site for work
8) Surfing around Internet to get ideas for my program at work
9) Calling my SIL (the good one)
10) Calling my parents just to say hi
11) Calling my Sister just to say hi
12) Visiting Grandson
13) Painting
14) Sleeping
15) Thumbing through magazines, reading a book
16) Read my Bible
17) Hot Bubble Bath (really hot! someday I want a jacuzzi or hot tub!)
18) Lighting a candle, making good tea or capuccino<p>Basically, you get the idea. Make of things that you enjoy - things you can do to please yourself. And have items on hand to get after these things! It will keep you sane!<p>Write your ideas on a 5 x 7 card, and when these feelings of emptiness come, flip through them until you find one that you think you can force yourself to enjoy. You will learn a new technique of dealing with this, and you will get stronger through your plan A resolve!<p>You are doing a fantastic job - I applaud you. You are awesome, and we're still "roaring" with you!<p>God Bless You!
TnT

Dear Venus ~<p>I was in the same position for about 4 months. Can you hang in there? I'd be willing to be that while he hasn't let go of OW....things are not all that rosy, and he's feeling things out - he's checking out that Plan A and liking it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He didn't fall out of love with you over night. He didn't fall in love with her over night. He's not going to do the reverse of that over night either....<p>Right now, as hard as it is, you have got to pretend that the OW doesn't exist.<p>My situation was slightly different...because I told my H that I wanted out, and that I wanted a divorce, and then proceeded to file and serve him. I truly was accepting that our marriage was over, that he was in love with her, and I instead focused on setting some boundaries. I plan A'd even tho I was divorcing him. <p>I did exactly what you are doing, and I did it for FOUR months. I knew that he was with the OW every other weekend and I knew that he saw her during the week, and was in constant phone and email contact. <p>I kept my head up and stayed in Plan A. Acceptance was the big key.<p>My H started calling all the time, ICQing me, calling from the road when on business trips, etc. He'd come spend the night on his weekends with the kids, and ask me to go to dinner with him...<p>We had alot of contact initiated by him once I got it through my head to accept and let go.<p>What I discovered in recovery later was that OW was LBing BIG TIME ~ which fueled his desire to test things out with me (no commitments, statements of intent, no relationship talks, just my plan A).<p>OW had the nerve to demand that he not spend the night in his own home with his wife and kids. She didn't think it was appropriate for him to be overnight with his family, it was disrespectful to her!! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He started lying to her and staying unreachable when he was with me and the kids.<p>This made her nuts.<p>And guess what?<p>She started clinging, putting pressure on him, questioning him about everything, and making wild accusations (she even said she'd hired a PI and had pictures of him with multiple other women).<p>I didn't know any of this. I just enjoyed what time I had with my H, and did my best to express any HONEST feelings of admiration for him regarding his job, and to thank him for EVERY sign of effort to financially or emotionally support our family.<p>He started feeling wanted and needed. That's a pretty strong pull, along with a pretty strong push from the reality of a divorce which was staring him in the face.<p>Meanwhile, OW decided to join a religion that my H has a major problem with. Her LBs continued. My plan A continued.<p>FOUR MONTHS!<p>Then...court day loomed. OW was the LB queen, I was the Plan A attraction....and that's when he finally capitulated. He dumped the OW and came home. <p>18 months total we were separated. <p>I think you are doing a great job. Hang in there, vent here, and do your best to just pretend that the OW doesn't exist. Honestly, does she deserve your time and energy?<p>Every second you waste worrying about her...you give her power in YOUR life.<p>Don't give her that. Empower yourself and hold your head high.

Thanks again, everyone. Had a really bad weekend, unfortunately. <p>I have a feeling in my gut that H and OW had sex this weekend. Not sure why - perhaps because he's told me that she really wants to and she has told him that he should "move on". Because of the fog, he tends to take everything she says as gospel. It wouldn't take much to get my H into bed if she's persistent. But last weekend, he told her he didn't want to because of me. Another reason I'm guessing they "did the deed" is because I haven't heard from him all weekend. He normally sends me a couple of text messages to say hello and ask how I'm doing. This weekend - NOTHING. Not a word. <p>I sent him one this afternoon saying "Hi honey. Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you and I love you." Of course, I got no response. <p>So in my mind, he's had sex with her and isn't contacting me out of guilt(?). Or, if she's managed to seduce him, he's so thick in the fog right now that I've not even crossed his mind. Either way, it sucks and I'm feeling horrible. <p>I went to a coffee shop this afternoon and wrote in my journal (something I do everyday) Except today, I drafted a Plan B letter. I think because if I find out their EA went into a PA I couldn't handle it. I don't know how I would react if he comes to me and tells me they had sex. I would be devasted, I know that. But I think I would also find it very hard to stay in Plan A. <p>So anyway, feeling very much like I'm on the bottom of the rollercoaster. Cried a lot today (haven't cried in WEEKS!) and tried my hardest to stay strong. But the pit in my stomach is back and I can't eat or sleep. I want to get back to the place where I felt strong and confident. But it's so hard when I know she's in the city I live in. <p>venus