Do any of you feel like the spouse that you have now is an alien in a body somewhat resembling the person you married...<P> <BR> In one of my first posts I remember someone asking me this, I believe it was to get me focused on the original "love" and not the current deciet, but, as the months have gone by, I realize that only 1 of those things lasted through our marriage... I thought of:<P>He loves the Lord...<P>He thinks I'm special....<P>We both enjoy being in the "Worship Band"...<P>We have shared dreams.....<P>He likes to hug all the time....<P>He is so good-looking.....<P>He is so soft spoken.....<P>He is complimentary, noticeing things, and commenting positively on them....<P>I could probably go on, but with 6 months of thinking about these things, I see that only "1" of these in still in existance, and that "1" I believe IMHO is for an alternate motive and for selfish reasons.... <P>So is H an alien? Do any of you feel this way? Is there hope of building something on a non-existant foundation???? I have a few things that keep me going, but I don't know anymore if they are enough.... <P>cozy <P> <P>

No, I don't feel my H is an alien, but I AM waking up and realizing some things I don't like -- like his narcissism.<P>My primary emotional need is to know I won't be abandoned...to know that my H will be there. I've dealt with all our problems, his messiness, his unwillingness to do housework, inability to handle money, etc., etc., BECAUSE I FELT SECURE.<P>Then OW/"friend" came on the scene, and that feeling of security was gone...and now everything else seems magnified.

Dazed, although I think our H may only be alike in their cluelessness, I think we may be the same in that his kissy face thing blew sky high what I liked best about him and other traits I tolerated in order to feel as secure as I did.<P>He was my same religion, raised in much the same fairly sheltered envioronment, which produced the same set of values. Although we were different in personality and interests, we believe the same things and shared the same mental framework that filtered and processed information and determined morals.<P>I thought his mid life crisis would be he wanted to quit and sail around the world or something. I NEVER thought he would look outside his marriage. I didn't think it could be part of his moral make-up if that makes sense.<P>I knew he didn't adore me like old boyfriend, but I also knew he wouldn't try to control me.<P>I thought I was making clear decisions based on who he was and how he thought.<P>So could that make me feel betrayal on a deeper or different level? And is that why it is so hard to make it fit in my head?<P>Much the way you felt secure, so other things were no big deal UNTIL you didn't feel so secure. Hmmm have to think about this.

Thanks for your response... I guess that the things that meant so much to me had to go away in order for an affair to happen...<BR> He gave up everything to do with our spiritual closeness first, and then our emotional closeness and eventually most of everything.... I suppose affairs do that!?!<BR> I guess H just seems like a different person..... he neglects spiritual things, now critisizes everything, plays rock with some real loosers, let himself go physically, doesn't seem to consider anything other than himself, If he notices anything, its because he had something nasty to say about it...<P>We have grown so far apart that our "in common" items are non existant...<P>At least tbe kids seem OK for now....<P>cozy....

Ssoooooooo, What do we do, when our security is rocked, and it makes the other tolerable characteristics now intolerable....And... Now there are odvious intollerable actions piled on the top of it all?<P>cozy

Well, I'm one of the lucky ones well into recovery and rebuilding with better communication.<P>I guess take this time to grow and learn on your own. No matter what happens, you will be better off.<P>You are not to blame for what has happened, but you are accountable for the rest of your life. Make the most of it.<P>Easier said than done, I know.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I don't believe that restoration can happen without both trying.... I quit blaming myself and feeling guilty (guess my healing process is far enough along) and I know that I have successfully both spiritually and earthly had alot of maturing in this tribulation.... What matters most, is if the betrayer spouse drags everything out thinking I'll just take him "the way he is" and except it..... Well how long do I put up with no resolution?????<P> All the things he said when we were in plan A haunt me (when he was making excused to be in the affair) because they are to the most part very true!!! We "have" a 13 yr age difference, He "was" very young when we married, We "don't" have anything in common anymore, I "don't" except a non-supporting (financially) husband, I "don't" find much to admire him for (I think I'll start another topic on this), He doesn't see me the same as he used to (but he changed the game rules), and '''you just don't love me like you used to......DUH<<BR> I guess I know I still care, but for the life of me, can't figure out why!!!?<BR>Something in me says, "This is another marriage in your life thats failed" and I wonder if I keep trying so that "I won't fail" and possibly no other reason......<P>Well, thats not the only reason..... I know Gods plan is that marriages last forever (yes adultry is an out, but ultimatly we should hang in there), I wasn't a Christian in my other Marriage and thought this one would be different (forgot I was still dealing with a human I guess)..... And then there are the kids....... Those are two very big reasons in my thinking....<P>Sorry Im bleeding here today, guess I need to get it out, and I'm glad there is a place and you special people to be here on those occations.... Thanks...<P>cozy <haunted by truth>

used2Bcozy - I certainly know how you feel regarding the alien comment. The last time I saw my W, she not only behaved COMPLETELY different than the woman I married, but she LOOKED different. She had colored her hair, cut it differently, had a completely new wardrobe and a new perfume on.<P>When she addressed me, she was very distant, mean spirited and acted with callous indifference. It was shocking to think that the human being standing in front of me was someone who only five years before looked into my eyes and said "...I do..."

I guess 5 years of unfaithfullness on my H's part has had a big effect on his behavior and character..... Do they change back if there is restoration????<P>cozy<BR>