I am, I feel like I am done. <p>I tried to set up a little get together for my H's Bday Friday. Called his co worker and asked about doing a happy hour fri night. Arranged a sitter.<p>I get to find out that the happy hour is tonight. Co worker invited me. <p>Called my H to ask if I could bring S, and to say is it OK with you if I come.<p>Nope, no, no way. Anyone want to guess why?????<p>SHE IS THERE!!!!!!!!!!<p>I have to sit at home taking care of our child while he galavantes around town foot loose and fancy free!!!! I am sick of it. I feel like I am done. He was planning on leaving in Jan and right now I cant wait. Want to ask him if that means it's OK for me to date and have sex. (not that I would, but I sure would like to plant the seed)<p>I am sick and tired of feeling like a useless apendage that he can't wait to hack off. I am sick and tired of being excluded from his life.<p>It's a birthday party, isn't it a little strange that his wife isn't there!!!<p>I want to scream, I want to throw things. I want to take my son to our friends house and just show up where they are.<p>Nothing helps. He does'nt want me in his life. Well he is about to get his wish.<p>And, in case anyone is curiouse, all I did when he was stammering about it being in a bar and our S not being able to go, I just said OK. I did not lose my cool. Did not yell all the things I want to yell. Just said OK.<p>But I feel like the breaking point is sooo very very close. I really just hate him right now.

[[[[hugs]]]]needing!!<p>I am so sorry you have to go through this...<p>My H left after two months...I wasn't really ready at that point and it was really hard for me...now I wish I hadn't been so needy and he had stayed out there for a little longer...

Thanks TA,<p>You know what I figured out. More than being angry, I am hurt.<p>I really wanted to do something for his bday. something fun. And, I ended up just being excluded. Again. All of his friends from work threw him a surprise party. Bought him gifts. I was even invited, but was again, excluded. From his life. Thats what hurts. I miss being part of his life. I miss having fun with him. I would have found a sitter in a heart beat and joined them. <p>So here I sit, waiting for him to come home. Wondering if there is any way for me to expain this to him. Wondering if it even matters.

Needing .....<p>Hugs honey! You did so damn good. Man, I would have spouted off at him. What a schmuck!<p>You were smart enough to vent here instead of at your H. Good thinking.<p>I'm really sorry about the BDay thing. Try and remind yourself he is in an addiction, he's an alien in the FOG. <p>I think you have lots more Plan A in you, don't you? Otherwise, it's Plan B time, but I don't think you're on the brink of losing ALL love for your H. <p>More Plan A? or Plan B?<p>Jo [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I usually think I can handle plan a longer, but then something like this happens and I am thrown into a whirlwind. Of doubt. Of anger. Of hopelessness. <p>Part of me thinks I should have just gone. It was a surprise party. i could have just been another surprise.

HI N,
Yes, that does suck. It really shows how dense the spouse can be at times like this. Really you wanted to scream at him, ask if he had a single functioning brain cell, then bop him over the head? Good fantasy. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
What are your options? You are apparently in Plan a, so showing up would be a LB. Then again, you were invited by the coworker.
In retrospect it would have been best not to ask h, but to go.
Plan a doesn't mean you get stepped on or abused and used. It means you show only the loving feelings, that you are respectful of his feelings. Now if you had not mentioned the party to h, then there would be no LB! Just remember that for the future.
For tonight you can think of some constructive ways to approach this ugly situation with h. Be careful not to LB! You can do this.
You can keep your sitter for Friday and take him out for his birthday. If you want, you can ask a few friends to drop by-the ones that invited you tonight. Depends on how tense things are with h right now. If you think the two of you can be together for dinner, drinks, dancing, movie, etc, then go for it. If you think you might want to kill him after 20 mins then ask friends or take the movie route where talking would be frowned on by the other patrons!
What are his recreational needs? Any you can meet friday night?
You can mention the POJA. My h had a hard time understanding the concept, so I taped it by the toilet for about a year. He gets it now.....wonder how many times he had to read it?
I am not sure where the two of you are, so that might be inappropriate. Only you can decide.
Hang in there. It is not easy, but you have lots of support here, and you will be just fine. Remember, you will be just fine no matter what happens. aloha, cl

needing,<p>been there, done that & it is no fun.<p>I put up with way too much of this type of thing, more than once<p>and I bascially didn't LB, I usually found out when I was by myself & could get it under control before I saw him<p>In looking back not sure if it was the right thing, maybe you should look at Plan B, when I was getting ready to go to it twice my STBX talked me out of it, even though he didn't know I was going to do this.<p>but in saying this you need to keep up the front till he moves out for your son, you don't want him to have bad memories that daddy left at Christmas.<p>not giving much advice sorry. just wanted you to know you are not alone

Thanks all. I am trying to think of how to handle this. <p>I called him and told him that I was not angry, that he did not have to worry about coming home to an angry wife. He said he did not believe me. I told him I was'nt going to try and persuade him, but that if he wanted to we could talk about it when he got home. <p>What I want ot do, is take his hand and explain that I was upset because I had wanted to do something for his birthday and ended up just being excluded.<p>Will it work, who knows. I go over scripts of conversations in my head. But they never work out the way I imagine.<p>I'll let you all know whay happened tomorrow.<p>Thanks you all again for the support<p>Needing

Needing,<p>Don't try and explain it to him. Remember, no efforts at trying to educate the WS in the FOG. It would probably lead to an LB, or could be an LB in itself.<p>I know what you mean about going along fine in Plan A and then KaBOOM! they do something that throws you into a spin .... and you start thinking you're done. I've been there so many times I can't count 'em. But each time it happens you get stronger and somewhat ammuned to it, eventually it takes a helluva lot to get you to that devistating place.<p>I think you continue to Plan A, just give yourself time to recover and remember, this isn't about you, it's about them and they're unbelievably selfish right now, all they see is what THEY WANT AND THINK THEY NEED. It does soooo suck!<p>Please stay strong, and know we're here for you. You are definitely not alone in this.<p>Love,
Jo

Well, it started out OK. We just talked. I explained that I had just wanted to do something nice for his bday. He got mad. I got mad. He reminded me that he is planning on leaving me, why would I get upset about him not wanting me around.<p>I told him that all of my hope was gone. He told me he had closed that door a long time ago. <p>The only thing I have to grab onto is that he says that I am looking really good lately. I know, it seems strange, but that was something he said. One of his EN is an attractive spouse. I did go thru a time where I was putting no effort into myself. Not trying to look nice or do anything fun. <p>It just seems that all of my efforts are to late. The only succesfull thing I did last night was recognise that I was beginning to say the same old things and falling into the same old pattern of trying to "talk" him into loving me. So I stopped. Told him that he knows I love him. Told him that I am here and will always love him. Then I went to bed. He came in shortly after and held me for a while. Then we went to sleep. <p>I asked him this morning if he wanted to go out still tomorrow night. He said it was up to me. I don't know what to do.

Well, just as an update. We have decided to go out tonight. I don't know if anyone else will be there, I left the inviting up to him. We are going to go to a place where we can play pool, darts...stuff like that. I think it will be easier to have something to do instead of just sitting there looking at each other and wondering what to say.<p>I need to focus myself more on Plan A. Angry outbursts have gotta go. We had such a great conversation Monday. HE talked about feelings, about bad things OW had said. I did not gloat or educate, but listened and empathised.<p>Last night I just blew up a few times. Said things I did'nt mean. I know I said them out of hurt. To hurt him back for hurting me. I know I did not mean them. Problem is, he thinks there all true and how I really feel.<p>Well, I probably have at least 4 weeks to Plan A my kiester off. By then he will be leaving or telling me he wants to try again. I have made a decision to give it up to God. I cannot control his actions or feelings. Only my own. Only God can speak to him now. I have done all the talking I can. Patience, Time, Consistency. My new Mantra.<p>Thanks for all the support guys. Resilient, I wish I had read your last post before he got home...<p>Needing

I'm sorry that you are going through so much. It's good to lean on God, but remember, "the Lord will only help those who help themselves". I can tell you that what is helping me, (my h. is leaving after christmas), is working on making myself happy. We don't NEED people, it's nice to have love and to be loved, but what happens happens and time will heal our wounds. Enjoy the time you spend with him, refuse to argue, take deep breaths and tell yourself that you are worth everything, no matter what it seems like. You are a strong person, a lot stronger than me. I wish you the best of luck, but remember this, don't spend all of your time trying to make sure that his feelings aren't hurt, spend your time making sure that you love yourself and take care of yourself. Whether or not he decides to stay-that's up to him, but I have been learning that the hard stuff, that's what makes us strong-this life is full of pressures-how we react-that molds who we are. All of my prayers are with you. Don't let yourself keep hurting to protect him. Tell him "this is how I feel when you do this" and leave it at that. You don't have to argue, but you do need to make it known how you feel. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]