My spouse does the best he can to do anything he can to put me in jail whenever possible...<p>today threatened me for trespassing, because I went to his door crying because of our arguement... of cours e I left but tonight he claims he made a police report on this...<p>few days ago we had a fight and I tore a rug of his... he says he is going to try to have the da file vandalism of personal property agasinst me now... I am really overwhelmed by his cruelty... I did not mean it as bad as he is making everything...<p>OF course, I am staying away... because of what he is doing to me now... <p>I am very unhappy... <p>advise?<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Hon,<p>Yes, my advice? Stay away from him. Here let me tell you a 'story'....... <p>H said he wanted to move out. I said ok and proceeded to put his stuff on the porch. H did not like that so I put his stuff on the lawn. H did not like that so I put his stuff in his truck. H did not like that so I put his stuff by the front door. H wanted to move out over a number of days, weeks, months, whatever..... I could not take it so I put his things out. <p>H pushed me down the hallway, he pushed me in the bedroom, then he decided he was going to call the police and have me hauled away for 'touching his things'. Now you need to realize that my 'fingerprints' are all over his things since I am the maid that does his laundry. His things mainly consisted of his clothes and clothing accessories. Not much else. Suits, shirts, pants, socks, underwear,etc. You get the picture. <p>So the wise man calls the police dispatch unit while he is pushing me around the house. Get this? 5'7" man vs 4'10" woman. Ahhh but I can hold my ground and the dispatcher hears me trying to push him off and hears me saying, 'stop pushing me'. <p>3 officers show up in about 7 minutes. At this point, we are near the front door and as the officer is walking up, the officer sees the WS 'pushing me'. The WS tries to explain his need to push his W is because I have invaded his privacy. Oh yea, that goes over well with the officer, then as if he is on drugs (but he isn't, he is in an A/fog), WS starts to harrass the 2nd officer. Not a smart thing to do. Well the 1st officer (bigger guy) comes in and takes my account. Tells me my options and then says they have no choice but to haul WS to jail and book him on 'domestic violence'. The officer says he must do that with or without my permission because the officer witnessed the pushing. <p>Both officers told the WS that if the W wanted to put his stuff out on the lawn or street and that since he was leaving anyway, he needed to let me do that. I had that right. I was trembling and crying quite hard at that point. They handcuffed the WS and WS was fuming, threatening the officer and me with harm and swearing up a storm. You can imagine the scene. The officer said that the WS needed to attend anger management classes. <p>WS spent 2 1/2 days in the county jail. Then the officer slapped a restraining order for 10 days. (WS went to live with OW during those 10 days, then cried to come home). <p>To this day, the WS thinks he was right and should not have been arrested, but he does know that with his track record he can go back to jail anytime. He reminds me of this and knows he must stay in line. He is deeply embaressed of his incident and so am I. I share this with you so that you can see that what a WS may try to do, can backfire. <p>When this happened this past summer, I was at my wits end. I had just had a misscarriage a couple of weeks before and it was totally unfair to have to deal with such an airhead. All in all we survived. H is back wondering why he was so dumb and now has great feelings of worthlessness. Those feelings may take him away from his family and if he does leave it will be for good. I will be ready to move on if things go that way. <p>I am much stronger now than 6 months ago. Even more than 4 months ago. What a WS will subject themselves and others to is simply amazingly stupid but true. <p>Take care and becareful. Your H sounds like he is on the edge. You really need to stay away from him right now. Ok?<p>L.

honey,<p>I second Orchid's advice. Please, do stay away. I had a similar experience as Orchid - not identical by any means, but my H too, still does not think that he deserved to go to jail or attend anger management classes. He says that it never happened. Unfortunately for him, there was a lady who lived upstairs at the time and the back of her wall is to the back of our bedroom. She corroborated *everything* that I told the police, plus told them about an incident she saw in the parking lot when H was man-handling me and I was trying to get away. The crime I committed? I found out that H had met up with OW for drinks, even after he told me repeatedly that he was not seeing her, and I called him on it. He did not like that.<p>I think that something snaps in a person who is being/has been duplicit and knows, on a very subterranean level, that they've done something very, very wrong, yet cannot bring themselves to look themselves in the eye and 'fess up. All of that self-denial has to take a toll, I figure. Anger and abuse seems to be part and parcel of living with a WS for a lot of the betrayed. <p>Please take care of yourself, and don't let him make you feel this way. You know, as do I, that if he filed a police report on his own W for trespassing, that the police would laugh him into oblivion. They've got bigger fish to fry. The question you need to ask yourself, I think, is why is he trying so desperately to keep you away?<p>belld

Thanks, you are right and I am staying away... the OW is with her H, and that makes him mad... I am mad at him and hurt... and he claims he is the victim of my anger... we have totally forgotten about the affair havent we? Says the affair has nothing to do with him leaving me... it is all about those mean things I did to him 8 yrs ago, 5 yrs ago, and 3 yrs ago when we had a bad arguement... etc... etc... Yes, he is totally on the edge... I am not OK with going to jail... he tries to turn every situation around on me... and when I do start to lose it... I am really in trouble.. because he is so cruel to me right now... as he thinks this is a weapon to take the kids from me,... the unfit mother.. <p>thanks for the story... I can't believe he came crying home... SOunds very unusual... maybe it is the norm... maybe my H will really want to come home... sounds very unrealistic right n ow.... but he always comes back when I retreat... funny how that works... <p>Thank you Orchid, I appreciate so much all your help these last few days, they have been some of the worst... except for the pearl earrings... <p>HONEY [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

honey,<p>RE: My spouse does the best he can to do anything he can to put me in jail whenever possible...<p>This is an interesting statement. How many times has your H tied to put you in jail? For what?

Belldandy, Hi and thank you for your response.. he does not want me around right now... saying I am the abusive one.. probably does not want me there just in case OW shows up.. it is his house... and he is really into that... MY HOUSE< MY THIS< MY THAT>>. go back to YOUR house... HE has had this problem throughout the marriage of sharing things with me... MY Table that MY DAD gave me... MY QUILT my grandmother gave me... etc. etc. etc.... His dad has been married 4x and is an adulterer and his real mom abandoned him as a baby... I aM SO SAD about all of this as I love him so much...
I guess I will just wait and see if he will contact me again,... he has called about seeing older son tongiht and I sd I am kind of scared to come over per all his threats against me... well, he says he will get the kids away from me- as I am so terrible a mother, etc.... etc... he is even threatening to send CPS over, because my house is messy, mostly clutter because of overwheming de[pression when he puts me down and makes me feel so bad... starting to think I need to start dating... IDEAS? <p>I think maybe he wants to believe I am the bad guy, he is starting to believe it... he takes no responsiblity for anything in the marriage, and his answer to problems is to leave and cheat... ???? All of my grandparents and parents are still together - to me this is not understandable... I do not understand why any spouse could ever do this... <p>thanks again, HONEY

Hi Honey ....<p>I know you must feel defeated, but you're not.<p>My advice? Lay low for a while, wait for your H to contact you. And when he does, let him lead the convo, just follow his lead .. NO LBs, K?<p>Honey, whenever you feel a LB building in you, come here and SPEW your guts. Tell us all about it, we've been there and felt your feelings. We know how much it hurts and understand.<p>So, tomorrow is a new day and a chance for a new start. You have a lot of passion in you I think, and that passion has turned into it's counterpart -- anger.<p>To manage anger doesn't mean you shouldn't feel it, it just means you harness it and don't let it manage you. You vent it appropriately.<p>I suggest you buy a punching bag .. HONEST. It's the best stress reliever and very good exercise. I know a few MBer's that use one.<p>I'm not saying you're violent or anything, just passionate about your marriage and husband. This hurt that comes from an A will drive you nuts if you let it .. don't let it Honey. Learn things from it instead. You will stretch and grow if you do.<p>We're here and ready to help, we know what you're going thru. It's hell!<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

honey,<p>You will get to a point - not now, obviously - where you will see your H's words for what they are: smokescreen. Smokescreen to cover up his own p*ss-poor behavior. Listen, I heard everything from my H. He doesn't even remember the stuff he said about me. I'm stupid, dumb, boring, etc. He once told me, in apropos of nothing, that we could never have kids together because I'd neglect them and let them run around in dirty diapers. At the time, I was nursing my 13-year-old Norwegian Forest Cat, who was dying of cancer, bathing her wounds as much as necessary, feeding her via syringe, taking her to chemo treatments, pushing pills down her every day, taking her to vet's appt.'s. I couldn't believe that he would have the nerve to say that I would treat a human child lesser than I would a beloved pet. But they say things like that - villanizing the BW is again par for the course. <p>This is what my psychologist told me. She said that all of the insults my H was hurling my way were actually thoughts he had about himself that he couldn't admit. She told me that when he started with the insults to re-interpret it. E.g., "You're so stupid ..." is "I'm so stupid ..." "You're abusive, hateful, etc." means "I'm abusive and hateful." See what I mean? It took a while to get the hang of it, but after I did, I was able to figure out the deep-seated loathing my H had for himself, and more or less how he perceived himself: as a liar who could not seem to stop lying; a person who had neglected his family (me and the marriage); and a very angry person who knew all along that he was being highly abusive. <p>Try it ... see if it works for you.<p>blessings,<p>belld

The 1 finger he points at you are not equal to the 3 pointing back at him scenario. So when he threatens you just practice walking away. When he yells just walk away. That may make him angry but what can he do, charge you with walking away? Make sure you get protection if he ever lays a hand on you or your children. <p>He is walking the fine line by threatening you. I told my H that I could tell his anger towards me was actually his anger towards himself. I told him this when he was calmer. Then I told him that I would appreciate it if he could direct his angry moments to himself and not me. That I would be ready and willing to take the heat for stuff I really did and not his stuff. <p>You know what? That anger stuff of his stopped within 1 week. When he wanted to go back on that, I gently reminded him that I did not have the strength to take his anger so he was just going to have to keep it. Of course he was out of the house at the time so he would leave. As much as it hurt, I let him leave with his anger. Was better for me too.<p>L.

ZOrweb... I have been LOSING it... I actually attacked physically the WS and his OW 2 weeks after I found out... I was very LOONEY TUNEY then... so they both filed assault charges, no one was really hurt... I did pull Ws hair and scratch her a little - did not really mean scratches, guess they happened as I pushed her... I went temporarily insane so to put it... I do not even remember the incident totally... I was very intoxicated.. I was not dealing at all, as it had been 2 wks, my H had taken my kids to spend the night with this thing that pretends to be a woman, etc. etc... He had been cruel to me with words and otheer remarks , etc... and left the day I found out, sept 15... he claims the night before he told OW to stay away forever, and she found him and begged him into letting her show him a night on the town... well , he came home next morning and sd he had to leave me forever, that he did not want a D, but this is how it has to be... he is in love... he has to know find out, etc.. loves me, but not in lve anymore... loves me as the mom of his children , but that is all I am now...no more romance... in the weeks before I had been called fat, complained about for my housekeeeping, etc. etc. etc... <p>SOmehow... not by my intention... H got bit claims by me in this bar incident and pressed charges against me too... liek OW... OW's charges were dropped... or dismissed in court.. .and H got offesnsive touching charges against me... which is pretty hurtful as far as I am concerned...<p>I am remorseful and sorry...
so I start plan a, and somehow by a miracle my H agrees to counseling,... since obviously this is a major LB... things get better, we do the harleys questionnaires... Ow supposedly back with her H....<p>Well I find out that OW and H talk, she comes over to HIS HOUSE>.. he claims she has been pulling up her skirt and offering sex in the kitchen and asks for sex with me in the kitchen... he says he refused her... says he can't get it hard for her anyway.. his [censored]... must know better... can you believer this? At this point I am trying to offer sex... because I want to please him and bring him home any way I can... so if he wants to ----<p>
well, I call Ow's H to tell him... OW calls DA and tries to press charges against me for harrasment... I hadt told my H I was calilng to tell her to stay away or ask her H to keep her home.. well, anyway... NEXT... <p>H says they are calling him DA's office to get him to testify to me admitting to him that I called ow, PLEASE... this is ridiculouse.... I right OW and her spouse off.. he likes to be in deniall..<p> MY H and I grow a bit closer through sex and some dates... guess what OW comes to a bar and attacks him herself sinc ehe says he still loves me, and is still talking to me... when she asks him.. well he is married to me... and she has here own H... doesn't she?// OH MY GFOsh! HEl pme lord... I am not a barfly the two of them are... they are playing darts.. like pure drunks that play darts... <p>So , next... H decides to be on my side and not testify... at sons counselors sessin the next week, my spouse is soooo mean to me... then later wants to talk.. and tell me OW went psycho... telling me how she came up and pinched him and kicked him in where it hurts.. tried anyway... ... at a bar - guess what no charges filed against her or police reporst against her...<p>NOW THAT I AM THINKING THE IDEA HERE IS TO TRY TO GET THE KIDS FROM ME>>> THAT IS WHAT HE SAYS< I AM GOING TO PROVE YOU CRZY AND TAK THE KIDS>>> no sir, no sir..<p>SO next,,, we see more of each other... after I back off a bit... and then he gets very honest.. and tells me more about sex antics with her.. turns out we have just had sex and I find out her was with her eariler that day.. also find out he took me out to a place he went with her.. a publick make out bar.. his brain is really on sex these days... wonder why???? <p>So I try my hardest to calmly swallow his honesty and even spend fri night with him... well christmas eve am- I kind of wake up saying what the hell am I thinking MY OWN HUSBNd and love of 17 yrs is telling me the details of life with ow, rephrase sex with OW... so I get angry... I call him and tell him I have a good name for his house- lets call it the WHOREHOUSE>.. etc. etc... I guess I am lovebusting- but boy has he hurt me deeply... well I go over there to get him to put together sons bike - santas gift to our precious 3 yr. old... and we are standing on the rug that his adulterous dad sent him to spiffy up his new adulterous bachelor pad... where he entertains the herem... <p>Well, I slid a little.. this is an old.. supposedly oriental rug.. with holes...not looking to o good anyway.. it slides on the floor when I stand on it and it starts to tear... right after I have sd.. your dad is a read sob for giving you this stuff... reall lb too, and then the rug tears a bit... he yells at me... if I am going to insult his family I can leave.. well I thought I was his fam,ily... I have been for years haven't I... I get hurt and grab the rug and start to rip it... well it rips at the tear... I keep tearing.. it is old and in bad repair.. but was attractive and a big rug... I can't believe it even ripped... I keept pulling and it ripped and ripped... in about a minute it was in half.. H called police and sd I should leave , I sat there crying... if this is your House.. it is my House.. we are married... well, he says no more.. we are not married anymore.. get out.. I hate you.. you destroy what I like, etc. etc.. I am sorry by now... saying please forgive me, I only want you home. and I hate your dad for helping you feel comfy here... he is trying to help us break up... I am sooo mad at fil... I am going crzy... <p>Well , police come and just make a report... after that I call H who was to spend christmas with us... he says NO MORE CHRISTMASD, no more counseling, no more anything, I will firle the D now , forever it is over, you are horrible , abusive and terrible... you are crzy psych o bit--... you get it.... IT is terrible....<p>
I fall into deep deep depression, some on this board have seen my posts, has been hard... as I worked very hard, and sacrificed all of my needs for quite some time... trying to get him to consider our marriage again.. he is like dead set on divorce... now... I am filing as soon as I can now ,e tc. etc...<p>Well, it hurts, I go a little nuts. start calling and beggin him to please stay in counseling with me... please please I say... <p>He says no... I stop byu and knock on his door afterwork today... hishouse is pretty close to my work but farther from our home... he moved to be close to OW... <p>So , anyway... he screams at me through tthe door that I am trespassing and harassing him and to go away and calls po.ice.. I leave.. he later tongight tells me he has contacted Da to see if he can get vandalism charges against me on the rug... and he will file trespass on me too on coming to his house without permission ever... I am not allowed without permission...<p>I feel so low, like a scum./ Tell me am I truly crzy to want him back so desperately... WHY am I sacrificing myself... today when I went to his house.. I sat down by the front door on the ste[s and started to cry... I almost didn't even care if they took me to jail... but I dont need that... I love my boys and want to be with them even if it feels like we have been abandoned for life with beer, darts and slutty women... <p>it is heartbreaking.. I am a fighter.. I am not abusive...at least I did not mean to be... My H says now I am violent and abusive.. By the way, he is an active alcoholic so that makes matters even worse... He says he will never live with me as long as he lives now.<p>He has been my best friend for so long, I feel like total scum to even be alive... I am so hurt.. we have had intens e arguements, and I have anger and resentment problems against hm due to a lot of his irresponsible behavior and me tryign to get him to be a grown up... but he always turns it on me... I do not go on and on... you shubbed me, you pushed me... you called me a name... so you are soooo awful... <p>We actually love each other deeply , but never learned the right way to fight... I have tried desperately to disagree on better terms and that is part of the deterioration of the marriage.. we had gotten to jsut being in different rooms or I would jsut go to our room and cry when he hurt me... etc. etc.. I know it sounds cray, please tell me, maybe I am jsut way abusive.. I do not want to be... I am sorry and I am going to work on my agner and resentment of this situationa nd the drinking.. but he calles me names, theatns me, etc.. I guess that is why it may be over... i jsut cant deal with it... why cant we fix this... I am willing, to... and my H seems to be making it worse and worse... I start to feel like we are being 2 3 yr olds fighting with our toys... it is always a stupid disagreemtne... this time over adultery though which my H doesn't even admit to the fighting being abou.t.. .... it is all my fault now.. so that makes him feel better..<p>thanks for any and every advise... I know now I have to back off, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.. I almost feel I would rather be in a hospitalll mentall.. hospital than going through this crap... I want things to be back to pre affair... WHY ME LORD???<p>HELP>>>> thanks, HONEY [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey, <p>You are not listening to all that is being said to you right now. Hon, listen....step back breathe and listen. <p>You are sounding obsessive about your H. He is not the man you married right now. You want to put your arms around an alien? That is what he is to your family right now. <p>You have to help him see this for himself or he will never come back. Each time you obsess with him the focus is on you and your inefficiencies. He will never see his own failures just yours. <p>So Hon, remove your failures. Step out of his life and let him live with the holes in his rug. A good reminder that his life right now are full of holes. You step back and let him sink on his own. <p>I used to feel that way about my H and cried to him a lot. That man liked it and loved the attention he was getting. I stopped, went to plan B and then I really got his attention. <p>Now it works better if I let him stew in his own mire. He knows it is his doing and not mine. We are making progress, slow but progress. A lot of people here tried to get me to see that before but I was stubborn. DON'T be like me. <p>Act wiser than that. Learn from my bad mistakes. Belldandy, Bramble Rose, Resilient, Sing, Cali, Zorweb, Wat and many others know what I have been through, they kept after me and helped me through the same kind of pain you are enduring. <p>You are not bad, just very very distraught and if you don't watch out, you will end up on the losing side. So, step back and breathe. Read and listen to what is being told to you. If you don't get it, sleep on it. If you need to talk, let us know. K?<p>Luv and hugz,
L.

Thanks, I am starting to do a little better.. I really am listening... I am stepping back... and I am letting him go... plan b it is... I told him I can't come to his house anymore.. too painful... and I asked to please go to counseling.. he says no... so OK...<p>I guess I let him go... he does not want me now... maybe someday... what do the divorce papers mean anyway... he is already gone?<p>THanks, HOney.

No IMHO, he is not gone, just a very angry alien. You have put him in a corner and he is acting defensively. <p>Back off from that corner. He will come forward. Even if he does the D dance, let him don't help him file the d. Don't fight it just let him do his stuff. <p>The ow in my picture even went and told ws how to do the 'quickie' d. Dumb bunny. He really didn't want to D just kept babbling that way. See what I mean? They babble to get a reaction. Don't give him one. Kinda like a spoiled child. These aliens really don't know how adults are suppose to act, that is why it is soooo obvious. <p>Ask Wat, he is our resident alien expert. That MIB movie really hits home!!! One of the BS's children here even compared his dad to the aliens from MIB. 3 years old and told his mom, 'daddys an alien like the movie'. Go figure....out of the mouth of babes. <p>L.

Honey - breath deep and listen:<p>Stay away from your H. Don't call him, don't go to his home, don't contact him in anyway.<p>You are enabling his affair. Everytime you have an angry outburst and a selfish demand, he says to himself: "See, she IS crazy, I'm lucky to be getting away from her! OW is so wonderful compared to my W...why didn't I get out years ago?"<p>Do you understand? You may not be responsible for his decision to have an affair. But you sure are responsible for helping the affair continue.<p>That makes you an accessory.<p>And Honey ~ I hate to tell you this babe, but just because he is an alcoholic doesn't mean he is the BAD spouse.<p>It just means he is a human being with a disease.<p>Just because you put up with the symptoms of his disease doesn't make you the GOOD spouse.<p>It just means that you are probably even sicker than your H is. Yep, I am NOT kidding. <p>I want you to try and get to an Al-Anon meeting EVERY DAY if you can. Your actions, as you describe them, are so out of control, that honestly, I think you should be worried about losing the kids.<p>Your obsession with your H is NOT love. It is sick emotional dependency.<p>You come on here, and you rant and rave about what a horrible man he is in every aspect - and in the next breath tell us that you just can NOT live without him.<p>You don't have a clue how to love yourself do you? Why do you base your self worth on his opinion? <p>Honey, if you put even a TINY bit of the effort into focusing on a real plan A (which means focusing on YOU) that you put into your LBs and obsessions with your H - you'd be doing a kickass plan A.<p>Instead, you seem to be doing your best to drive your H right into his OW's arms.<p>Honey ~ you need some serious help. In addition to the Al-Anon meetings, I think you need to get into see a therapist as soon as possible. And then start reading on addiction codependency - it will shed some light on why I am saying that you are probably as sick or sicker than you H.<p>(((hugs))) Take care of YOU and leave the rest in Gods hands.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Orchid:
One of the BS's children here even compared his dad to the aliens from MIB. 3 years old and told his mom, 'daddys an alien like the movie'. Go figure....out of the mouth of babes.<hr></blockquote><p>OMG!!!<p>L,<p>Are you serious?????? Who's child said that ... I am truly laughing out loud .... Just unbelieveable but believable .. yanno?<p>Honey,<p>Listen to Orchid and BrambleRose, they know what they're talking about, sweetie.<p>It's far from over, but you need to gain more understanding of Harley's Plan A and Plan B and follow the rules.<p>You can do it, it just takes practice and a resolve of what you really want. Do you want your marriage, if so .. read and learn.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Oh yeah, PS:<p>You shouldn't be drinking while on anti-depressents.<p>In fact...spend enough time in Al-Anon rooms and you'll hear of and see the results of what heavy drinking and anti-depressents do to someone - I know a woman who is married to a man with dementia...because he did exactly that.

Thanks, I know I am driving him away... I have to stop.. I have done better tongiht.. my parents bought me a dvd player for christmas, so me and the kids watched some movies... I have to be me again and gain control of this-<p>I have the excuses... but will not even type them for my stupidity.. I am challenging me to stop calling him... YES, there I sd it...I have to stop... I have to get a better job, this will be one big step, because my finances have been falling apart since he walked and left us like this...<p>OK, I am really messing up, and I know it... I had done great for a few weeks prior... I have to take hold of me! I am going to be OK without him... I feel like I have to pretend he is dead. or on business trip.<p>Thanks again, HONEY