Thinker,<p>I pray for you and your father, it is never easy to loose a parent, but You should cherish this time and be glad you had it and could say what you wanted to him.<p>As for why we talk to SNL, for myself its bcause my H doesnt talk at all, I am afraid he is going through the same thing SNL is, so I read, am horrified, but hope to understand a little better. SNl is nothing if not verbal on here.
But many of us have the same fence sitting H and we dont get any info from them. I feel for you.
Lora

Zorweb - SNL has given me the time to spend at my parents home. He has given me some hugs, some voice, some tears, some laughter. I would have liked for him to say, is honey I would love to take you out for new years eve. Maybe dinner, or out to get an ice-cream. I didn't go back to my moms till 9pm last night. Instead I worked on getting the x-mas material organized in containers. I called him last night just after 12 midnight to say happy new year. He didn't wish me one, just said what he is doing and who is home. I know he doesn't love me at all. Why does he sit here and pretend. I wish he would just leave and get it over with.<p>Like today, I worked on x-mas stuff again, and he was on the boards. I was throwing stuff down, and he did get up and started taking things away that I was throwing down and cleaning up this area. I asked him to give me the rest of the containers, and asked him if there were any more? He comes back with how many did you buy? I knew I bought an even #, but I asked cause I wasn't sure. But he says, why did you ask me? I am not sure of anything now, I have found myself driving and sort of waking up on the road and realizing where I was. He took and put some things where I didn't want them. I said the suitcases go upstairs. He got so defensive. Said you have criticized me our whole marriage. Let me do things my way, and just leave it be. All it I would like to have is all the suitcases together. He criticized me, when I was putting the ornament bulbs in the dividers of the containers. I was cutting up paper towels, to put around the glass ornaments before I put them into each individual square cardboard slot. SNL said why are you doing that, I said to prevent the bulb from getting broke. He just said it isn't going to help. I felt like he said, hey stupid your doing something wrong again, your just an idiot. He makes comments like this to me, doesn't realize it, and criticizes quite a bit. I didn't say anything, cause he already expressed he was furious at me. So I just let it be and moved on and worked till I finally said I have to get some sleep. He did come and rub my feet, which is nice. He got things quiet so I could take a nap. I like to be cuddled, rubbed, and back scratched. SNL says he doesn't like the touchy rubby thing. SNL says he doesn't like hugs. So that is where we are. <p>He hasn't officially asked me what he could do doing this time to comfort me. But he says he has, but there is a discrepancy between what he hears and what I say. Seems we have to clarify quite often. I have expressed to him that I would like to be held, kissed, talked to in a sensitive loving manner, talk about my father in a positive manner, I don't want to hear now how my parents marrige was no good. Sure it wasn't that in-love SNL had with his OW, but they cared for each other for 53 years. Neither of them had a sexual affair in their marriage. <p>SNL did say to me he liked that I am cleaning and arranging the area where the x-mas decorations are. He stated that I should of done this years ago. I did do it 2 years ago, went through the stuff, threw stuff out and worked with boxes. This time everything is in see-through containers with slots for bulbs, and etc. The rubbermaid containers stack on each other of same sizes. So things are neater. But I had to buy containers, last time I used boxes. I am the conservative one, but this year decided to make the plunge and spend money on containers. At least it made SNL feel good, so maybe there is a drop in his lovebank, who knows. Since he doesn't want me meeting his needs, who knows.<p>Well, now on to the next segment of today, spend time with my mom and dad for the night. Will respond tomorrow. The grief counselor from hospice is coming tomorrow morning to talk with us. I have physical therapy in early mornig. I am going to try to be there, would like to go shopping to buy an outfit for the funeral too. I don't have anything really fitting for a funeral, since I lost weight. <p>I am sure glad that I am going to be cremated when I die. I want things short and simple. The day I die, I want to be cremated that day, no showing of body, just get it over with and everyone move on. I just hope I don't suffer like my dad, I wish a truck would kill me on the highway and get it over with. Or someone shoots me and it is over with. This is h*ll to see a human body deteriate like this, especially one you love. I had a hard time in clinical seeing patients die, but this is worse having it be family. <p>Lora - you are experiencing the sitting fence syndrome too. If I were to read SNL post as not a W, I would see that SNL is negative about marriage with thinker, and wants out. I would see that he is not marriage material, he doesn't believe in vows or religious marriage. The vows he makes in his next marriage, better be made by him and his to be wife better see what he writes before the actual marriage. His vows will need to be till I get tired of you like I did with my first wife. They should also include there is no committment, there is no guarantee, there is no remorse, there is no guilt, I am going to be who I am and that is it. <p>Yes, I am negative, I feel negative, I am the one on Zolof and Atarax. SNL doesn't feel he needs to be on antidepressant. But I need it, and I guess that is OK. There are things about SNL that are quite negative. But I am not going to go into the name calling. Life with him has not been the greatest. But you know, I am looking into men now. I look at them like I have never looked before. At physical therapy, I have talked with some men, and you know at this point if one asks me out for coffee after PT, I think I will go. I want the in-love feeling, I want the secrets, I want the special cards, I want the special gifts, I want the love talk, I want someone to hold me unconditionally. Life sucks, and I hope mine ends soon.

Dear Thinker,<p>Have you checked out the other board, we are concerned about you there. I've missed hearing from you and was very glad to read you here.<p>Please know that I'm praying for your father, your family and you. <p>Evensong

SNL not to but in on your thread, but having your wife actually say in type, I hate my life I wish it was over, SEND UP A RED FLAG . You need to stop playing on your computer and really sit down and figure out your marriage. She is in pain, she is hurt, she is wanting to die.<p> Even if your end choice is to not be together, damn man, show compassion and go and help her. While you have been here for 9 months trying to figure out your ideal of marriage, she has been dying inside. PLease help her and yourself by getting of these boards for a bit and REALLY working your stuff out with the other HUMAN in your marriage.<p>allie

allie, thank-you for your concern, my wife is ok, she has said similar things all her life when she is upset, and right now with her father's illness, and her marital difficulties, she has a lot on her plate. I won't analyze her here, is not appropriate, but I do know her very well, she has always had a very difficult time with stress, tends to get depressed and down very quickly. This causes some difficulty cause I end up having to be the fixer, and optimistic one all the time, it is one of the main reasons she married me I think (and I think true for many of the marriages I read about here). It can also be used manipulatively (not maliciously, but still part of the um..."victim" stuff humans use on each other). But now I am not optimistic either, and that is not what she is use to, so just makes it all kinda harder.<p>allie...SNL not to but in on your thread, but having your wife actually say in type, I hate my life I wish it was over, SEND UP A RED FLAG . You need to stop playing on your computer and really sit down and figure out your marriage. <p>snl...I don't think of it as playing allie, this is deadly serious to me, I have to decide how to spend the rest of my life, I need to talk it all out, it is how I cope and figure out stuff.<p>allie...She is in pain, she is hurt, she is wanting to die.<p>snl..I guess none of us can really ever know for sure what is in someone elses mind, but I am sure not worth dieing over, and she knows that. I do watch her close, and I do try not to make this any harder than I can (without being emotionally dishonest, and just pretending I am happy). But we have to do this stuff allie, it cannot just all be done her way.<p>allie...Even if your end choice is to not be together, damn man, show compassion and go and help her. <p>snl..I do, often, just cause she says I don't does not make it true.<p>allie...While you have been here for 9 months trying to figure out your ideal of marriage, she has been dying inside. PLease help her and yourself by getting of these boards for a bit and REALLY working your stuff out with the other HUMAN in your marriage.<p>snl...What does that mean? I should not be concerned about what concerns me, and just do what she wants me to do? Keep in mind these are not exclusive things. I was done with the marriage, completely, I accepted her standing offer for divorce, SHE reneged. That left me in an emotional vacuumn, I don't just decide I am done, then change me mind the next day. It took me 23 years to give up, fighting every inch of the way. But I said ok, I will revisit our relationship, and decide whether I want to remarry you (so to speak). And I have done a lot of things to that end, including stopping the A, applying MB principles (as best I can), reading and studying about affairs and marriage, spending a lot of time with w (we had been avoiding each other for several years), going to counselling, and so forth and so on, why does this mean I should not also try to understand why to "remarry" and understand what my feelings really are, and why I have them? <p>This is how I am honest with myself, and avoid just falling back into the marriage as the road of least resistance. It really confuses me that folks value this board, and figuring stuff out, but somehow does not apply to me....I am just supposed to ignore my feelings, and just "do it" (stay married). If I was ignoring my w I could see some chastisement, but I am not, I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing, but it is not enough, and I am critized and chastised for my efforts (by her, and many of you by proxy), never good enough, ..... go figure. I get the distinct feeling I am not valued for who I am, only for what I can do, and since I am not doing it the way it is wanted, I am not worthy, this does not make me very enthusiastic.<p>Thank-you for your comments allie. Thinkers dad has made it through the night, but it cannot be long, hour by hour now. She is distraught, and I am trying very hard not to put anything else on her, and be supportive. Nor am I arguing with her when she is LB'ing me (alot, here and at home), just turning the other cheek, that's all I can do.