Today I have been pretty much ignoring my alien.. my poor little alien has been calling and missing his kids.. really wanting to see the kids.. so I am plan aing and letting him have the younger one for tongiht since he wants to go, my older child want s to stay here... wonder why?/ he sees what a smuck dad is... or the alien..<p>I am really enjoying the alien comparison today, since that is what my H is being.. and I am staying away from the mother ship.. why come to his mother ship anyway... I do not want to make things easy on him at all....<p>I do not appreciate how he is acting etc... so why cater to him? Let's make it inconenient on the alien... <p>He was threatening me yesterday with all kinds of crap... taking the kids from me, etc etc etc... and so today... he says he and the OW broke up... maybe we can go do things together sometimes... <p>OH PLEASE... will he and the OW be back on again tomorrow... I am sorry it is getting really funny, I am starting to think i am not sure if he gets to come back... <p>HUGS AND THANKS to all of you out there who are helping me build my sanity while my H has been possessed.. or has become someone yucky, gooey and ooey.. I can just see the alien ooze coming out of his mouth when he talkss it is like the alien talk is just in such evil and non acceptable words and tones to us earthlings... BOY have I had it with all of his CRAP.. he has been ahving trouble with OW so now he is dating others too.. WOW, boy did I pick a H?<p>Thanks again kids, HONEY

I love the alien analogy!! It does seem like they are aliens and we are living in a Twilight Zone! I, too, have had enough of the crap. It may be too late when the fog finally lifts!
Hang in there Honey and remember to do what is best for you and your kids!
BH

Honey,<p>this is a rollercoaster, that is for sure.<p>Now, I want to hear step by step how you behaved in the interaction with your spouse today!<p>We already know what to expect from your husband, Mr. Good & Bad, Mr. Fogeese, Mr. Alien. Flip/Flop. But, what about you? This is what is important - to identify how YOU behaved, and learn to identify what are lovebusters and what aren't - and what helps your husband interact kindly with you - and what doesn't. <p>How did it go today? (sitting on pins and needles out here!)<p>TNT

HI TNT, TOday I was in control! YEA! He wanted to see younger son, I sd fine you come here to pick him up... he called on cell phone to let me know he was outside of MY HOUSE... and my Older son walked the younger one out to the car.. I did not even have to see the alien.. I was tempted to walk out to the car, but did not.. I just thought.. .he makes me soo mad, I do not even want to see him. I talked to him on the phone abit and when he got mean again... I said sorry you are not being respectful, have to go... WOW what a difference... <p>I apologized for being so angry at his house, and explained I do not want to be there again.. I sd.. if you want to meet me with younger son.. that will be fine or drive him home.. will not be coming or going at your house anymore for now while it is so upsetting.. .he seems ok with that...<p>back to a better plan a with appropriate boundaries to keep me from getting hurt and walked on.<p> <p>thanks for support, HONEY

Honey,<p>Sounds like it was a good day and you handled yourself well. Good for you.<p>Just make sure that while you are setting your boundaries you are not love busting. Sounds like that is what you are doing.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I was tempted to walk out to the car, but did not.. I just thought.. .he makes me soo mad, I do not even want to see him <hr></blockquote><p>Very Good! Whew! (wiping sweat off my beaded brow! haha) <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I apologized for being so angry at his house, and explained I do not want to be there again.. I sd.. if you want to meet me with younger son.. that will be fine or drive him home.. will not be coming or going at your house anymore for now while it is so upsetting.. .he seems ok with that...<hr></blockquote><p>AWESOME Boundaries! You really are a quick study, aren't ya! Good for you! Very good! Did you know you used the 'assertive communication technique'? ~When _____ happens, ~I feel ________, ~What I need to happen instead is _______.~ Very Good!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> I talked to him on the phone abit and when he got mean again...<hr></blockquote><p>Can you explain in detail how the conversation evolved for him to start being mean again? You eluded to it on someone else's post also, so can you go into a little bit more detail? <p>We just want to try and help you 'figure' out his behaviors.<p>Honey, you are doing soooo good, I am so glad. Good for you. <p>TnT

TNT, I am very excited as the ball seems to be returning to my court.. actually I got some calls tongith from him and some confessions to some one night stands years ago and even two night stands... strating to think my life is falling apart even more... I have suspected problems before.. but he always promised me that there was nothing.. I do feel closer knowing the truth... I cried and cried and cried thinkng he is not who I wanted him to be, or who I thought I was... he ran to other women when we had fights, arguements, etc.. he says.. he says he really wanted me all along.. am I the biggest fool ever to think I can forgive this.. he says he feels better being honest with me... I say well yes, I feel better too, I am proud of you and appreciatvie and thankful to you for being honest...<p>he got in a big fight with the OW... thanks... <p>OH and I have not been LBing today, not really - I have been mad at him inside and on the board but nice to him when I talk to him..<p>OK, let me think.. HOw do we digress... usually... it is when he wants to start telling me how he can never come home again or how I drove him away by not keeping the house up... gaining weight... being mean to him.. yelling at him... or locking him out of house.. and calling police on him (yes, I started the police stuff)- all a side effect of all the drinking behavior...<p>He starts telling me bad or mena things - today it has been I really love you but can never live with you again.. I am finding out I love you more than other women.. do not know why this other woman got under my skin...<p>He is a strange one, and I know he does really love me.. I am now being kind and accepting and making home a safe place, as much as I can... <p>I got real depressed and let my house get messy and yes, I save everything... and I have a lot of MK inventory since I sell mary kay.. and that bugs him like crzy .. have to get house looking g ood for him.. <p>anyway, do not know if cheatin husband deserves it.. but know I have lbed in the past.. maybe we can somehow someway move to that part of the relationship where you get closedr through the truth even though the truth hurts?<p>Am I am fool? I cried and cried wehn he told me there were other women too.. oh it felt so bad and now a few hours later I have a cold distance acceptance.. is that jsut a sign of repressed anger to explode in the future...?<p>Thanks HONEY

Honey,<p>The problem you are dealing with keeps getting bigger. Now you are dealing with an abusive, alcoholic, serial cheater. It is very possible that he as sexual addiction issues too. <p>Are you crazy for thinking that you can forgive him and that the both of you can rebuild your marriage? Yes and No. It can be done but it will take a lot of effort from both of you. He will have to be radically honest and do the necessary things to have no privacy from you. He will have to account for every minute of his time.... there is a list that can be covered here. The SAA book covers some of them. <p>But the basic problem is that MB is not meant to handle issues like alcoholism and sexual addiction. These two issues will have to be handled first. This can be done while he is back in together with you but it will take a lot. <p>While you have been told that Plan A is to work on yourself, it is also to negotiate your WS dropping all extramarital relationships and coming home to work on your marriage. I hate to use the word 'should', but you should not let him move back with out some very strict guidelines in place. This is another thing we can help you with here.. what to tell him are the conditions for him moving back in.<p>I am very concerned about his having had multiple affairs over the years. Do you realize that he has been exposing you to all sorts of STD? It's as though you have slept with ever person every one of those woman slept with for the last 10 years. Please see your doctor and get an STD screen. And please protect yourself... do not have sexual relations with your H until you can be sure that he is STD free and not continuing the affairs.<p>So while you are making that list of the things you can change and cannot change, also make a list of the conditions for your H to move back in... like following the MB concepts, no-contact letters to all and every woman he's seen in the last year or so. Radical honesty about his past and in your future life. Living by the concepts of radical honesty, protection, care and time, POJA'ing, filling in the personal history and EN questionnaires, doing the LB work, seeking help for sexual addiction, and help for drinking. There is a start of the list. I've seen some people give their spouses a Plan A letter.. maybe you could write a letter laying these out. I would highly suggest that you pass it by us first for input. The letter has to be worded in such a way as to not be a love buster.<p>The reason I bring up the list of conditions for taking him back is that while you have done a better Plan A today, you are fluctuating between taking him back and throwing him out with the bath water a few times a day. If you write out the conditions and let him know what they are, then perhaps you will be less likely to fluctuate like that. It may give you more sanity in your life... another decision made.<p>Right now just stay keep doing the things you are to protect yourself and take care of your self and your children.<p>[ December 31, 2001: Message edited by: zorweb ]</p>

Thanks Zorweb, You are very kind.<p>It is now am, and yet another day in the twiglight zone... although I prefer the truth much more than lies...<p>I am hurt about my H, very hurt... and to find out for yrs.. when he got mad at me...or when I did something to try to stop his abusive alcoholic behavior.. or messed up and LB'd back to him... he just turend to other women.<p>We used to live in Atlanta, and turns out the one woman there was one that was on again off again when he wanted her.. I think it was a friend of his' mother from high school.. he sd, that she sd he would always be safe there if I threw him out... OH my, what a revelation... this guy wants to drink, treat me bad, and if I throw him out for what he has done, sounds like IF another woman is available, that is where he goes.... (he even started dated , at least 2 dates over the holidays, when his OW was with her H.. so he got mad at her and did the same thing- claims no sex intercourse.. but seems to admit that something happended on these dates.. why else would this man go on the dates?).<p>You are right, it does sound more like sex addiction... we have been married 10 yrs, and claims there were at least 4 or more women.. <p>there is yvonne in altanta.. the older woman who was always availalbe.. he says it may have been 4 or 5 times with her over our marriage<p>then there is some girl named something like janesse in atlanta that he went to when we were apart for work related reasons.. not my choice.. his , and an irresponsible choice at that.. he was living in the bedroom of his dad's office...
I was not happy with this seperation and it lasted about 4 motnhs.. I did not even see him and he did not send money since i got upset and moved home to texas.. and with my parents and got a job.. this was about 5 yrs ago. He says she too was some girl he used to know... and kind of dumpy and into the drinking of course.. and she was more desperate and he would never really be with her.. in fact says that she asked him for money to help her with her bills, because she was going to have to move out of her house, and he said NO, I can't help you... WOW, I am impressed aren't I?<p>Some Polish girl during this same time he says he only spent the night with , no sex, and that he only slept there... (I guess that I could not reach him during this time, is now coming clearer.. I was quite upset but believed him and his lies I guess) He does not remember her name..<p>OK, some girl who lives in my neighborhood named Laura who has a baby and is married, I have no idea but am upset about this one, and we have lived in our house 4 yrs.. so this was recent too..<p>I do not know if there are more or not.. would def. like to know...<p>GUess what, last night he wanted me to come over LATE after drinking and for what SEX again... I crzy almost went thinking OH I can win him back to me again... since we fought.. now we can make up... <p>I was std tested about 2 months ago... starting to think I may have to have all cked again... <p>Seems to have more problems than I thought- doesn't he.. it was quite painful to find out there were others...<p>He says the newest OW is the only one that ever meant anything to him... ?<p>Well, I need more in my life than this ... and guess what the more I back off the closer he steps to me, and the more nice things I hear coming out of his mouth...<p>SAD, but true, HONEY

Honey,<p>I'm going to say something here that is going to be hard to hear. But I feel I need to say it. I have kept wondering why your H suddenly told you all of this about the other women... why did he open up after all this time. It is probably because you have started to handle things better. You are getting your feet on the ground and the last thing he wants is for you to be strong and independent. What you already knew is bad enough, but you're getting stronger, so he had to find something even worse to tell you. He did, did he not? My bet is that there could be more, a lot more. If this is his pattern, expect to hear more as you get stronger. <p>I am sure that he did not really care about any of the women he was with. They were convenient. Now he has to say mean things about them to make you feel better. See, it seems that he wants you off balance but does not want to hurt you to the point that you shut the door on him.<p>This is how an abuser works. They are afraid of loosing their spouse so they use physical and emotional abuse to try to control them. If he can keep you from getting mentally/emotionally healthy then he can stay in control.<p>It is very important that he learn to be radically honest with you. If you continue Plan A then keep him talking. Praise him for telling you his deep dark secrets.. do not LB and let him talk. Once the secrets are out, he can start on a new road of being honest.<p>One of the ways to stop enabling a person is to stop hiding their problem from the world. You said that your mom and family knows right? Does his family know? Does his mother know about her ‘dear friend’?<p>ohmy_marie made a very good post to you this morning, it’s on one of your other threads…. Date/time of her post….December 31, 2001 09:43 AM Here is a link to that thread….<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=014509&p=<p>
I am sorry but you have a real problem on your hands. I wish you could get counseling with the Harleys. It would be very helpful to see what they had to say. <p>From my vantage point, I’d advise your pulling back, taking care of yourself and your children. Perhaps it is time for either Plan A with no physical contact or Plan B. It is very important that you realize that your H has a lot of work to do on himself before you may ever want to let him home again.<p>By the way, just my 2 cents… it is getting very hard to keep up with you. You keep starting new threads and I can hardly find them all and remember what I responded. Might be a good idea to pick one thread and stay with it for a while. Just a suggestion.

thanks Zorweb.. I was just cking in... you are very very kind.. I will think on this.. and write back to you on this thread later... I think I need to reread your response and think on it.. I am at work and have to get back to getting legal pleadings done, etc etc... I can't let this consume me..<p>I do not know why he told me... he started by saying she has not been the only one.. he says he did not leave because of the ow, so he wanted me to know there had been others.. this is the first one under his skin he says... <p>He tells me nice things, then mean things,... I encouraged him to be honest.. believe me I want to know the truth.. yes, there is probably more to it.. who knows anymore.. he is a talented liar... HOW can I love this man?<p>Maybe he is trying to hurt me.. or recover? He and I did the emoitional needs Q and he was suprised to learn my #1 need was openness and honesty and admits to having problem being honest and intimate with me.. says he does not want to hurt me and this is why he has never told me.. called back ssaying he did not want me to be crying.. he hates to make me cry.. feels bad for what he has done.. etc etc.<p>He says he has felt quilty for yrs and feels better telling me the truth. '<p>HONEY <p>Thanks again, HONEY

Honey,<p>Do you love your H or do you love the man you imagined him to be?

Hi Zorweb, I certainly imagined someone alot different than what I am dealing with now.. have to think about that one.. I know I sure have wanted him to be who I thought he was wehn we married... but over the yrs.. he has not been the one I married in many ways...<p>thanks, honey