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Joined: Feb 2000
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(The background)
All along I've seen my WW claim to forget unbecoming things about herself or actions since the beginning of the affair. I've just considered this behavior selective memory for the sake of her version of the truth. Most of the time these memory lapses are over minor things like "I didn&#8217;t say that" type of stuff. I'm somewhat photographic when it comes to memory and can normally quote a conversation word for word even months after it has taken place, so I just have chalked it up to being able to remember more than most other folks. The affair is supposably over now for about a year yet no recover and she still works with the OM. <p>(The setting)
Last night I came home from working on a project about 7 PM. She was in the living room drinking wine with candles lit and asked me to sit down and talk. Come to find out she was being turned into a contract employee from being a VP. She had got the news that afternoon. I listened a lot. Then gave my opinion when asked. My opinion is mostly based on the fact that I had told her for a while that this (job loss) was coming since she had slept with the #2 guy in the company for a year and it was now over. Recently there had been quite a bit of tension about company Xmas parties and the OM's wife and such. I repeated what I had been saying from the beginning, that she needed to get an employment attorney because she is gracefully being ousted due to the fact that she is a potential problem to a guy that is considered Teflon. <p>(The act)
After bout 1-2 hours of discussions and she had finished the bottle of wine, she started getting mean, swearing and name-calling. I kept calm and let her know that she was acting mean and cruel. Only got worse, she eventually grabbed my cheek, screamed some crud in my face and I backed up. Told her to not touch me again and walked in the other room and sat down. She followed me in and more BS spouted from her mouth and tried to slap me but had a cupped hand and poke me in the eye. At that point I stood up, told her if she touched me again I was calling the police and they might find her on her [censored]. She then went to bed. Night over 11pm.<p>This is way outside of her character to raise a hand. She normally goes to take a nap (depression) whenever stressed. <p>Today I woke up early and left, bout 10 o'clock she called and said I think I should be sorry. Told her I was too F'ing pissed to talk to her. When I got home she claims to not remember anything that she did at all, not a bit. Acts totally shocked when I told her. I almost believe her except for the part about calling me to say she thought she should be sorry. I know several of you will point to the alcohol, but 1 bottle is within her limits. She might be drunk, but not out of control or blackout. Also when the BS was going on I was looking at her to see just how drunk she was, thinking maybe this was not the 1st bottle of wine, but her words were not staggered and her motor functions where good. The one thing I did notice was she had Crazy squinting mean eyes like Clint Eastwood was famous for. <p>I'm at a loss other than the sooner I get to the Divorce attorney the better. Any clues on how one forgets this type of behavior? Anyone care to venture a guess on this one?

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Oh yea she is 34 Y/O

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The OM or the company could be trying to get her off employee status to minimize legal risk of harrassment charges. If this is the case , you might be able to beat them to the draw. Go see an employement attorney yourself.

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Sounds like she was very upset... but also sounds as if she just needs to move on to a new company. It will be better for all involved. As far as the fit, this kind of thing happens when you drink a bottle of wine... I am sorry but a bottle of wine is alot of alcohol for a woman... it is a lot for me, and if I drank a bottle of wine, I would be very likely to do crzier things than normal ,and have, especially, if very upset over something.<p>I am not sure she can sue anyway, if she willingly participated, but maybe she was harrassed into the beginning of the relationship. I know I have been at work, in strange ways... not real obvious if you know what I mean... <p>I really think that she should just move on. I think you should discuss with her calmly what happened, just in case she does not remember...this is always possible, as she is female, and a bottle of wine is a lot... How much does she weigh, I am assuming she is normal weight range... or she probably wouldn't be having affairs..? Who knows?<p>Anyway, I have blacked out on a bottle of wine,,... and sometimes have not... when upset, very upset, about my H's affair I lost it, and went temporarily insane... I remember part of it, but not all... he is still very very angry at me... I was so upset... and drinking... I truly do not remember my actions... and they were similar to your wives. FOrgive her if you can, and just let her know not to let it happen again, and talk about caution with the drinking when upset... try to help her through this problem if you still want the marriage.<p>Perhaps go to counseling if this is needed. This is a bad sign, but she did not harm you seriously... sounds as if she scared you and even herself and that this character is not her norm.<p>Prayers to you, HONEY

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HI - I'm no shrink, but we know the mind is a complex thing. Suppressed memory is a real thing, I think. <p>I have often wondered if some of this goes on with my wife. She hit me once in an emotional outburst about a year before her affair began. This was the only time she ever did anything close to this. After the affair started when she was accusing me of being "abusive" [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] I foolishly tried to debate with her and brought up her hitting incident. She denied it and I believe she really doesn't remember it.<p>So, I believe people in delusional modes - affairs or other intensely stressful situations - probably suffer from some mind bending mechanism. Perhaps they have to to be able to continue their rationalization. Then again, the alien abduction theory has not been disproved.....<p>WAT

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Ok I think I can help you out on this one cuz I've found myself in the same position several times right after my H's A. And believe me I couldn't believe some of the things he told me. I'm 5'3 110 lbs. My H is 5'11 220. I can't believe I've raised my had to him and even thru things. (Not at him, but could have and wouldn't have remembered ALL). My H is a Captain in a police dept. and has to go to seminars and things on this subject, so this is what he learned. When you are in a good mood and you drink, your body processes the alcohol at a steady rate. There is a valve in your body called the pyloric valve. When you are in a good mood the valve stays closed, BUT.... when you are upset or angry and you start drinking you start to relax from the alcohol, but your body is still reacting to the anger...... pressure builds up around the valve because of the anger you felt earlier but the valve now releases because the body is relaxing. When that happens, MOST of the alcohol enters your body at the same time so its like a rush. That's why so many people black out and don't remember, the alcohol enters the system almost all at once instead of gradually so you get drunk almost as soon as you start to relax and because you're angry the bad behavior emerges. That is probably what is happening with your W. I'm not making excuses for her or myself, but I know it happens.. There have been MANY MANY times I've told my H the next day that "I think I should be sorry" exactly like your wife. You know you were out of control but you can't remember specifics. Can ya kind of understand? I hope I've helped you a little bit, I've gotten so much from this board, and I feel good that I can give something back to help you understand your situation and put things into perspective in understanding either the BS or the WS.
Good luck [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

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About the employee to contractor thing. There has been huge class action legal action about a company who did this to a group of people. It was determined that since they did the same job as before, they were still employees. Something to check out.<p>I am sure that your wife does not have a case based on sexual harassment. She was a willing participant. But she may have one based on being ousted for stopping to have sex with him. It's the old.. if you don't sleep with me I'll fire you trick.<p>As for the selective memory thing. I believe it is real. She very well may not remember most of it. She may have only the slightest memory that something happened. People do this.. if their behavior does not match thier own image of themselves, they select out the memories that are 'out of character'. Add a little alchol to the mix and they have a perfect excuse to forget. I do believe that they do litterally forget... that is why so many people who are abusive claim they are not... they do not rememeber.<p>You may want to read the book "Verbally Abusive Relationships: How to Recognize it and how to Respond" by Patricia Evans" <p>http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/107-6662909-1146100<p>I realize that your wife is crossing over into physical abuse, but anyone who is verbally abusive will do this given time. <p>As for divorce? It is something to think seriously about. No one should stay in an abusive relationship. If she will not seek help for the abuse, it is certainly a consideration.

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Thank you for the insightful opinions. <p>O&W - I agree that the company is moving in this direction. In signing a contractor agreement she mostly is waiving her rights to any employee based grievance.<p>Honey- I'm having trouble with the blackout thing, mostly because she didn&#8217;t seem impaired. No slurred words, motor reflexes were normal. The chance to calmly discuss it is over, I blew my lid when I spoke to her, letting out 2 years of pent up anger and hurt. She didn't really scare me in the physical stuff. I'm 5'11 195lbs. and can easily take care of myself. What is most bothersome is wondering "if she is capable of this, then what's next"<p>WAT - I'm no shrink either, but suppressed memory is what I was guessing. I also am not ruling out potential of she had received direct orders from the mothership. BTW- What do alien eyes look like? Was Clint Eastwood an alien?<p>Trynhrd - I've never heard of the stress release pyloric valve concept before. When this is the situation, does the person seem heavily intoxicated like any other person who has blacked out from alcohol?<p>Zorweb - She most likely has a case. The OM was her boss (@ the time) controlled her travel schedule (to be with him) and according to her she initially resisted his kiss and said no several times over a couple of trips. Both being in sales he would tell her at trade show type socials "we have to go dance to get the customers up" or "we need to do a couple shots to get these people loosened up". When she broke it off, she was moved to a new job that she did not like, which is the one that is in question now.

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Pyloric Valve
The Pyloric Valve is a muscular valve at the stomach's lower end that controls the exit of chyme from the stomach, allowing only a little at a time to be squirted forcefully into the top of the small intestine. Within a few hours after a meal, the stomach empties itself by means of these powerful squirts.
<p>OK now this is what H learned. When you enter alcohol into the equation, and the person is not eating, then the "powerful squirts" are PURE ALCOHOL and it goes right into the blood stream. Result........
excuse my French...... Phucked Up! Does this make sense to you?? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]

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Hi hi Infidelity,
You say
"The OM was her boss (@ the time) controlled her travel schedule (to be with him) and according to her she initially resisted his kiss and said no several times over a couple of trips. Both being in sales he would tell her at trade show type socials "we have to go dance to get the customers up" or "we need to do a couple shots to get these people loosened up". When she broke it off, she was moved to a new job that she did not like, which is the one that is in question now. "<p>Face it, your wife was being paid by company funds to be the prostitute reserved for the use of no 2 man in the company. Your wife may not want to pursue this because she may have got some fun out of it. But at least the stockholders, no 2 man's wife and family need to know and you need to go and see an employment lawyer.

You could get out of a hopeless relationship at little financial cost.

BTW a real salesman would dance with his customers not his employees.


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