Melody, email me at the above addy and we will compare notes. We were at boats last Sat!<p>Carol

Hi TA and all<p>I was also a member of Michele Weiner-Davis' www.divorcebusting.com club. It not only saved my marriage which was on death row, it really turned me into a much better and understanding person.<p>Michele has written a new book titled Divorce Remedy. And apparently it has a great section on dealing with a spouse in MLC. Michele is solution oriented and doesn't look to place blame, on who's right or wrong. She is very, very pro marriage. It is well worth it, to take a look at her site. You have nothing to lose, but, everything to gain. It worked and still works for me.

Carol, <p>Thanks for sharing your story. You showed a lot of courage and had good support. I am glad you and your H are in recovery. <p>Your story brought up many of the points and issues that are being asked about on these boards. It also showed how you dealt with it and your H's reaction. This has been a valuable lesson for us. <p>Mahalo,
L.

Yes, I agree with everyone carolkh, THANKS AGAIN FOR SHARING your story! It was inspiring and insightful and funny even though what you were going through was not funny at the time. Wow. Even my H (does not post on MB), said he wanted me to print your story and save it in case he ever needs to give a BS advice in the future... Cool, huh?

bump

Your story was amazing. It does give hope...I just don't think that it could happen for me. My H's Ow moved 1200 miles to be with him. She bought a house and he is now living with her. He moved out in Aug. Says he left because he didn't love me anymore....3 weeks later there is OW. Within 5 weeks he is saying that the relationship is progressing.....he bought her jewlery and took her on my anniversary trip. We have been married 20 yrs....been together 22. He has no desire to see a counselor or even attempt anything to reconcile....we get along ok as long as we don't talk about the tramp. I think it's over.....I am not sure what I can do to change things....I have lost weight....started school and I am here whenever my two teenagers need me....my relationship with them has grown and they are great. My H on the other hand told me 2 weeks ago how depressed he was and how he can't sleep. He doesn't see his kids....I know that has to killhim...but he does nothing to change it. He also asked me last week if the boys can start to see him at his new place.....needless to say...I said NO! I have court orders that back that up.<p>Anyway.........glad that things are going good for you! I'd love to hear any ideas or suggestions....I know that I have to move on....and I am doing that.....but sometimes I just wish that he would dump her and come back home. Pretty bad that I am still thinking that Huh??? Not all the time...just once in awhile.
Max

Carol,<p>Your story has inspired me and I am happy that your marriage is much better than it ever was. I want so much for my marriage to be the best it can.<p>While reading your story, I can't help to think if my W would act like your husband. Though I think she has Passive-agressive tendacies, and she is in an EA, she does not seem to be one to persue (I have always persued from the start). And I am not sure if I went "dark" if that would draw her closer or push her away. I have tested the waters on this a little and I seem to get mixed results.<p>However, I want to thank you for sharing your story. I am very impressed with your strength and determination and the way you handled everything. Thank you.<p>[ January 22, 2002: Message edited by: Astray Dragon ]</p>

Carol,<p>Your the women!!!!! <p>I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing!!! I just found out about an PA my husband of nine months!!!! has been having for the past 3 months!<p>
I went looking for an apartment...and found one...in your opinion if I am approved should I leave.....the truth is I love the man we have two children 2 and 7 and if I could trust him and he would respect me I would want to make it work. But he won't even admit the affair was physical, wont even admit it was an affair, refers to it as inappropriate friendship.....WHAT!!!!! <p>
Anyway pray for me and my marriage....<p>And thanks again ever so much!

Just wanted to say that was a wonderful story and I can only pray that my situation turns out as well. I am on the beginning end of it though. He hasn't even left the house yet. Pray for me that I can be strong the way you were and not cave in to what I want but think about what God wants for me and what I need.<p>Best Wishes to all .... Your in my prayers.

Carol-<p>WOW! What a story! I usually post on the divorced/divorcing forum but was told to read your post. My WH and I have been separated for a year, we will be divorced in a month. My WH is an alcoholic who left me for a little girl of 21, I am 33, he is 32. They are still together, but he does really weird things that make me wonder how sure he is of what he is doing. <p>Your story has me even more intrigued because in many ways it is similar. When he first left I was pregnant with our fourth child and did everything wrong, I took all his verbal abuse and believed everything he said to me. I begged and pleaded to no avail. After months of him threatening to file for divorce I did to protect myself and the kids financially. I have both Plan A and B'd, but haven't had any clear success with either. <p>What I have noticed is that as the divorce gets closer and I get stronger and seem to be moving on, he seems to be waivering. He is offering to do more for me and seems to be showing up more often, lingering, talking, more. We haven't had sex in months, however, only a week and a half ago I was asked to go to the movies and he volunteered to watch the kids at our house, this too is something he has been avoiding. Anyway, when I got home he was sleeping in our bed half dressed. When I woke him he commented that he could stay there all night and seemed to be in no hurry to leave. He made small talk and just watched me. I made no moves. I think it left him unsettled because in the past I would have done something.
This past weekend he had our kids. He lingered a lot longer than usual when picking up and dropping off. He also stopped home to get things he'd forgotten (nothing necessary of course) twice.
Our divorce is getting so close and I would love to stop it however, I don't want to push things. I also know that he thinks I may be seeing someone and yes I have played it up. Secret dates, small gifts, burned candles in the bedroom. You are right, it does work. Anyway, as someone who's been there do you have any suggestions? <p>I am so happy for your new relationship. It gives me hope!<p>K

Hi Carol,<p>I saw you also replied to AKA Quakermom and I see that many have been encouraged by your story here, so I had to pop in to hopefully reinforce what you've started here.<p>For those of you who don't know me (there's so many new MBers on a daily basis) my story parallels Carol's. It isn't just fluke what occured with her H or mine, there are also numerous other "in recovery" MBers who have had the experience of their WS moving closer to them as BS becomes not such a sure thing anymore. All of these techniques Carol's coach recommended can be done in Plan A. Nothing she did was disrespectful, or deceitful or playing games. She simply interjected situations that caused her H to think about what life might be like without her, afterall, that is what his life would be like and his experience would be, should they divorce. She made sure he had the opportunity to see what it would be like to live without her before he made a mistake he really might not be able to fix. It also gave her the added benefit(and I think this is one of the reasons she can attest to such a successful recovery, I know it is a huge reason for my own marriage's success)of being assured that her H stayed in the marriage because he CHOSE to.<p>I must say that I wasn't near as patient as Carol was with her H. When my H couldn't decide whether he wanted to stay married or not(affair was over, he's still depressed in IC and has other issues her needs to work out as well)we decided it would be best to separate. I went to work on Plan ala Carol. I never had to go as far as she did (slinky evening gowns in the back seat [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) Going to a Parent's Without Partners meeting was just about enough to really jolt my H into reality. I also made sure I had things to do. He never asked for details and I didn't just give them out. I did things alone like Carol did (shopped without the kids in tow a lot of the time [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>After a 2 month separation and H feeling more and more what all of our lives would be like should we divorce, he came home and agreed to a list of items I was requiring to begin our recovery. We have a wonderful marriage now, the marriage we each hoped we'd have when we started out. <p>This method Carol was instructed in by her coach is a viable method, very congruent with Plan A, that can be used as a catalyst to change the dynamics of what is going on in the stalemate of the marriage.<p>I'd give my eye teeth in a bet that if more BS tried this, we'd see a lot less continued suffering here at MBers and a lot more marriages on the fast road to healing. Of course normal disclaimer, JMHO! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

That's a great story. Gives me strength and look to the positive results of all the effort.<p>Also could use the help of a coach like yours. How do I get one?<p>I'd really appreciate it if you could send me email. I feel that H is on the verge of leaving....OW want him but uses the waiting technique...makes him go nuts about her. I need help bad. <p>-confused50x
-zyezebel@yahoo.com

Hi Carolkh,
I also linked a poster over on the EN board to your story... Please pop in and speak for yourself on some issues re: "manipulation" that have arisen (only when/IF you have the time)... thanks!<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=8&t=007453

After reading this I do have a little hope left--the only problem is my husband and I are actually divorced. We have talked some, but not much. He is with another woman now who he says is just a friend. He has also told me he just needs some time to work things out. Not much hope left for us. <p>I am very happy for you.

This thread was interesting...but it made me wonder about something...<p>Do you guys think that a male WS, versus a female WS, typically need different things to get them interested in the relationship? Is it that simple even? <p>The things I saw described here...they wouldn't have gotten me back...I would have just left in desolation...is it because I'm female? Or because of my personality type, maybe? I needed loving support and encouragement, not the "thrill of the chase".<p>What do you guys think? Could the solution be gender-related?

TowardsTheFuture - The things I saw described here...they wouldn't have gotten me back...I would have just left in desolation...is it because I'm female? Or because of my personality type, maybe? I needed loving support and encouragement, not the "thrill of the chase".<p>J.R. - I don't know... If you assume that you had some feelings for your BS, and that BS wasn't isolating you, withdrawing from you, or treating you BADLY (recall all the things that this couple DID do together) - would you still feel the same way? I think it's about an entire state of mind, not necessarily a "chase" - the state of mind for the BS being "I am confident - I am strong - I can live without you, happily. I'd like to do it with you - and we can have a great life... but that's only a preference. I don't NEED you. I'm a complete person who can and will be loved."<p>I think that as human being, we find that attitude hard to resist, especially when combined with other factors, such as sexual attraction, etc. I do think it's a hard line to walk - between neglect and being just inaccessible enough. When combined with Plan A, I think it's a killer combo that NO-ONE is going to be able to walk away from easily.

I see what you mean...<p>My BS, although none of the chase stuff happened...he's the kind of guy that can take what life throws at him and come out on top,you know? So the strong, confident part was still there...but he didn't deny the pain he was feeling, either.

Hi Carol,<p> Great story and very inspiring....I have to say that when I started to do some of the things you said when I was in Plan B things turned around for us.<p>When I went to Plan B my H immediately called and wanted to come home....it was only after a few days....I said "you've only been out of the house for 2 days and I'm just starting to feel better,please reread my letter"....that REALLY upset him. I really meant it too.I also went on a trip with girlfriends on his weekend with the kids....did not say a word but he asked the kids about it.<p>IN my case Plan A (5mos)just allowed my H to fence sit and I think he would've gone on like that forever.....he had us both at that point. <p>Anyway, thanks for sharing and I highly recommend Michelle's books......like mrthrbrd(sp?) said it's a great combo with Plan A/B LU

Carol, thanks for telling us your story. My best friend had all ready suggested doing what you did to your husband to me. You see, I was one of these good girls (Southern Baptist Minster Kid)I saved myself for marriage. (Alot of good it did me)My best friend thinks it will kill him if he thinks that I am getting on with my life and dating other men. It's an ego thing. Well, you never know. May give it a few weeks and then try it for a while. Good Luck! You have given us all hope.

Interesting stuff and it makes sense, and I am sure it works often, and well...even if it doesn't work it reveals the truth of the relationship...but I am curious, it means your H (or w) comes back sort of as a jealousy thing, and implies your H is not a very honest (emotionally) persone, elsewise why the need to be manipulated back, it feels a little like a control thing even (don't want anyone else to have my woman). I do think the kids can be a big draw, but what happens when they are grown? So I wonder if this is only the beginning, then you buckle down and figure out what happened in the first place, because something made em wander, and no reason for them not to do it again, after the "honeymoon" period is over, if that isn't fixed.