Geeze, it seems to come in waves for me, I think... I can go for a few weeks and behave nearly normally, then there's a few weeks where I obsess a bit too much. Guess where I am today?? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anywho...<p>Here's my thought of the minute... speculating on the topic of "control".<p>My WW clearly wants both OM and I for as long as she can muster it. The status quo for her is gold. Yet in the past, she's used comments like "I almost left", usually after particularly difficult exchanges (1 or 2 of them LB'ing, I suppose).<p>My theory is this: she uses comments like that to control. To keep me in check. She's really trying to say, "Hey, I don't like talking about this, or feeling pressure, so back off buddy - or else!"<p>How else does she control? Well, lately I've taken to backing off big time - and I think she realizes this. This would appear to be a threat to her status quo as well. So she has made some small gestures recently - some small efforts of affection. Now isn't that cynical of me - believing she's trying to control me by it, rather than assuming it's because she has feelings for me!! But, sadly, since I have no evidence that says her and OM are done, I have to make that assumption - that it's about control.<p>Even this morning, she gave me a kiss goodbye - and now tonight she's out late again, probably spending time with OM. It's an uncomfortable game of "keep everyone happy".<p>Anyone else experience this kind of thing? Any WS out there - did you consciously or unconsciously do this kind of thing - keeping the balance?

The sad part is that she probably doesn't even realize that she is doing it. It is very subtle.<p>Remember never believe what a WS says when they are in the fog!!!<p>Dawn

Yeah, sounds like manipulation alright. I don't think my H is with OW anymore, but I don't think he's here for "love" (whatever THAT is! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ). Back in Sept/Oct, he did that threatening to leave crap every time I tried to talk about what happened. I wish I had just said okay. Now he refuses to leave, and I can't make him without a court order. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Whatever his agenda is, there is this same pattern of appeasement and making nice, then later on I see that's all it was--in this most recent instance, appeasement to keep me from filing and having him removed from the house.<p>I feel myself getting into a real rage stage, and I'm remembering so many things he said and did, and I just want to break something. I also have this compulsion to go out and see what it feels like to be kissed again. Strange simultaneous feelings. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If I knew how to handle any of this, I'd try to help, but I think all you can do is try to keep your head above water and just observe what's happening until you figure out how you want to handle it. The detachment is good. Take what she offers, but you're probably right not to put a whole lot of stock into it. It really sucks, doesn't it? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

LOL...my therapist TOLD me to do this kind of thing. It was long after I had ended the affair, though. He told me that if my SO was LB'ing and I wasn't able to get through to him, to say "THIS is why I was unhappy and why I wanted to leave this relationship".<p>Sounds kinda harsh, huh? But it took something that extreme to actually get through to him at the time. Is this what it's taking to get through to you?

daybreak - Remember never believe what a WS says when they are in the fog!!!<p>J.R. - ... and don't believe 50% of their actions, either!!<p>Conqueror - I also have this compulsion to go out and see what it feels like to be kissed again<p>J.R. - ahh, so I'm not alone. Sadly, these kinds of thoughts are getting into my head too. Starting to crowd out the thoughts of a wonderful future with WW. All these little things adding up are starting to point me at you-know-what - Plan B.<p>TTF - Is this what it's taking to get through to you?<p>J.R. - oh gosh no! These are only rare comments and as I say, are almost always tied to something she doesn't want to hear / discuss. Shame on me for allowing any conversation to get to that point, I guess. That's just the way it works sometimes, though - I think we can all relate to that!! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]