As a BS I am not expecting my wife (WS) to just start making love or anything like that to me. It would be nice but I know that won't be happening. The part I don't understand is that I am very nice to her and giving her support throughout all of this. Why is it she can't be nice back to me? She tries avoiding conversations with me. For example if we are at home about to eat dinner she wants to go turn on the TV. I will ask her let's play cards a game or anything besides just plopping our butts down and just watching TV. Also she does a good job at ignoring me or not wanting to be by me. If I come into the bathroom and she is getting ready she will walk into the bedroom. She is always making plans to do things to basically get out of the house and away from me. She doesn't want to do anything really with me besides the normal grocery shopping. I ash her all the time let's go see a movie. Let's go ice skatting. Let's go sledding. Let's go shopping. Let's do anything. Most of the time she says she doesn't want to. My wife is very bitter towards me for whatever reason. She seems to be very resentful towards me. Correct me if I am wrong but I am not that one that went off and had an affair on her.
This weekend my wife is going to visit a girlfriend out of town. This town happens to be the same place that the other man moved off to in December. I told her I was very uncomfortable with her going to see her girl friend. I told her that town isn't too big and if they go out at night they have a good chance of running into him. They also have the chance that they won't run into him. My wife has told me she has ended all contact with him and I have nothing to worry about. The part I am having a hard time with is that I believe my wife is telling me what I want to hear. She is trying to make me feel better. But we all know if she goes out with her girl friend and sees this other guy that it will set her back. So I ask why is my wife wanting to put herself at risk in that situation? Why does my wife still neglect my feelings? Before she made all these plans why can't she ask me how I feel about it? My wife still wants her cake and wants to eat it to.
I am tired of being avoided and ignored. Her excuse why she never calls or emails me during the day is because she is too busy. Is she too busy to take one minute out of her day to say hello to me and ask how I am doing? Ughh I am frustrated with this...

CG... sorry things don't sound like they are getting any better. Will she talk about her day or the TV show she is watching at all? Is there any neutral subject you can broach with her for a little while at least. <p>I know what you mean there is nothing more hurtful than trying to do something as simple as make EYE CONTACT with your WW, when she is "too busy" with something truely inconsequensal.<p>anyway hang in there, bud<p>-HI

CG -- are you getting any counseling? Have you worked with Steve or Jennifer?<p>You may want to work out your Plan A. You seem to have some expectations of a payoff. There are (I'm guessing) a lot of issues that got your relationship to this place, and it probably happened over a long period of time. So why do you expect that in 3 months you'd be seeing results?<p>Whether you like it or not, you cannot force your wife to follow the MB plan. She's gonna have to find her own way to it, and find her own motivation and desire to do it. It does not sound to me like she's willing yet.<p>You could be the nicest guy in the world, but if she's still in withdrawal (or worse still in the affair) then she's just not gonna want to spend time with you. She wants to escape -- through activities, through TV, etc. <p>I think you're just a little too much "in her face". And I think from reading your posts -- that your plan A is full of LB'ers. As an example, you are quoting her "excuses" on why she doesn't call you during the day. Then obviously you are confronting her with selfish demands.<p>I don't blame you for being uncomfortable about her weekend with her girlfriend. Any chance of the girlfriend coming to your town instead?

Lexxxy,
To answer your question we are both going to the same counselor but we are going seperately. My wife isn't any where near wanting to practice MB style of counseling. Yes you are right that there was a lot of things over the years that have led up to this. The communcation broke down and unfortunately the affair got in the middle of it and that just made things bad. I am not expecting any miracles but it would be nice to see something instead of seeing nothing.
As far as me being in my wife's face I would say I am not there. I come here to vent and that is why I say what I say. Actually I have given my wife the space she needs and then some. I don't call my wife and ask her why she isn't calling or why she isn't giving me affection. I haven't done anything like that it sounds like I might have but I really haven't. I am in Plan A. I might want to do a lot to make our relationship get better however I am being very patient and giving it time like my counselor suggested.
I won't lie I would like to see some results but so far there hasn't really been much.
As far as I know the affair is over. But then again I don't really trust my wife when it comes to that right now. This is based upon what was going on during the affair. Lieing....
Well my wife didn't offer to meet her girlfriend any where else besides that one town. So if I ask her to meet her some where else well that for sure will probably make a LB'ers. My wife said to the counselor I am too controlling of her. The counselor said in her opinion I am not but that is how my wife sees it. So if I ask for her to meet somewhere else my wife will think I am controlling her. So all I can do is hope for the best.
I just come here to vent. What is seems like I am on here I believe I am Plan A'ing the best I can. I am treating my wife with a lot of respect which I have not been given...

I think sometimes being overly nice pushes the WS AWAY because there is an expectation of intimacy [quid pro quo] that the WS just can't give. Why don't you back off and just take care of yourself for awhile and see if that brings her around? Pushing yourself on her is pushing her further away.

CG, I can understand your pain. My H. doesn't call me during the day either and when he does it is about 2 min. short and to the point. I gave up trying to talk to him at work cause I would just get ticked off at him. He does talk at home and will comfort me when I am upset, but if I act like everything is ok he kind of ignores me. Back to the old relationship which I don't want anymore and he seems to want to hold on to. She is probably still in WD, I know my husband is even tho he won't talk about it. SF isn't great right now either, he can't with me, even tho he could with the OW, so there is tension there also. Don't know what else to say but if she is there she must want in someway to work on things. I know from reading here it takes a long time and I for one am not a patient person, so you're not alone in that respect. Take care, Hope things get better for you.

Dear CG,<p>You wife is a pot smoker, right? That`s why she cannot be nice. My H could not be nice while still using either. They are apathetic and don`t give a hoot about anyone but themselves. That`s what pot does to a person. Its not going to change until she stops smoking pot.

I personally find that there's a fine line to walk. On one hand, you need to convey to her that you're there for her, that you're there as a friend, that you do love her, etc., etc.<p>On the other hand, as was mentioned above, you don't want to come across with ANY pressure. And in some cases, just saying "I love you" can be interpreted as pressure. In fact, the ultimate in "no pressure" is to demonstrate a degree of "moving on" with your life without her.<p>I think the actual balance can be different for each situation. If you were typically a distancer in your M, you probably need more outward effort. If you weren't, then backing off is probably more important.<p>In any case, a great balance, I think is to simply concentrate on living a happy life for yourself, as if you were single in many ways, but living with a very close friend, who happens to be your wife. So, as with a close friend, you'd do nice things for her, be there to listen, etc. But you probably wouldn't get into arguments, get into heavy relationship talk, pry into her "personal life" (i.e. the A), etc. You'd probably go do things - go to a ball game, join some group activities, etc. - you might even invite her to join - but leave it up to her - no pressure.<p>As for her returning anything back to you - don't expect it at all - just plod ahead. She's got to do this on her schedule, not yours. And slowly, you'll get sick and tired of things and be ready for Plan B. But give it some time. The longer you're in a GOOD Plan A, the better according to SH.<p>Hmm... just thinking out loud for my own benefit also!

CG,<p>This will not comfort you, but my situation seems like yours. My wife led me to believe that we were trying to repair our relationship. I was trying, she was lying. She was scheming to catch her OM and would say anything to me that deferred facing the truth. I'm sure she knows that she hasn't tried despite the importance of our children and this causes huge stress on us all. Sometimes she seems particularly cold. She isolates herself from impartial advice. OM always supports her ideas of setting up together. Make sure that you are not too trusting, I don't believe my wife while OM is on the scene, she is infatuated. If you know anything about OM then you may find out which ENs he will fail to supply. Supply those in abundance ready for plan B. I talk to OMs W and it lets me keep track of what is true and what is not. It helps me get through the day and understand what's going on. You might try it. I've found out just what a weak and morally bankrupt guy she's gone for. In my case it's hard to use the info - she won't listen to me on this point, but I feed pertinent facts to her mother in the hope that they may discuss it when the opportunity arises. Note I do NOT ask her mother to intervene on my behalf. I am simply giving information so that she can protect her daughter from a terrible mistake.<p>I think we both have a long road ahead. I'm trying to use the time to rebuild emotionally and physically ready for whatever turns up. Its no use killing yourself with worry over things you can't change. Good luck.