My daughter had to write and perform a monologue for drama class. This is what she wrote.<p>
We Miss You Daddy<p>
"Ok Dad, now that I have you alone, and the guts to talk to you, I have to let you know how I feel. I have wanted to say so much to you the past few months, but I just didn't know quite how to say it. Well I have thought it through and now I know. I just want to know why. Why did you do it? I mean you claim you didn't, you say it is just a friendship. Well if it is just a "friendship" then why can't you give it up for the sake of your family? We all thought we were more important to you than that...than her...than any friendship..I guess we were wrong.<p> We all feel so betrayed...no don't talk...let me get this all out...we feel like you just left us in the cold...we never see you anymore...we never talk anymore. Honestly, it doesn't bother me sometimes, and a lot of times I have nothing to say to you, because I feel like I don't know you, you just aren't you anymore. You aren't the man who raised me for the past eighteen years; I simply don't recognize you anymore, I don't know where you have gone, where the you I admired so deeply has disappeared to. Sometimes I want to slap you and tell you that mom is the best woman on earth and you crushed her. You crushed your kids too, and as mad as we are at the person you are now, to the man you once were we have one thing to say: we miss you daddy, where are you?"<p>
she performed this on Thursday and her drama coach loved it. My question is this...should she send this to her father or not? I don't think she wants to and I guess that is all that matters. I just think he should know the pain he is putting his kids through. He just thinks his living next door is no big deal. He told me he is only living there so he "can be closer to us if we need him"!! Convenient reasoning for him...torturous living for the rest of us. Anyway...thanks for reading and your opinions on whether or not to send this to my H greatly appreciated!
BH<p>[ February 17, 2002: Message edited by: brokenhearted ]</p>

How absolutely heartbreaking to say the least. But..the answer in my opinion is absolutely NO...YOU should not send it to him. If she's made the decision not to, then you shouldn't break that trust in her. IF/When she wants him to know, it should be her choice to tell him. At the very most I would do no more than possibly mention to him that his daughter has very strong feelings that she is not revealing to him...that it might be in his interests to speak with her. And even if they do talk, she may very well not say anything. She's in a terrible position..because as mad/disappointed/hurt she is with him...she still loves him and probly worries about losing his love. Anyway..good luck to you.

Thanks H4F. I do agree that I shouldn't be the one to send it to him. Realistically, I know that, I just have this incredible need for him to know how much he is hurting everyone. I am glad that Charlene was able to express her feelings and present this monologue to a classroom of people she doesn't know. (She is in college and there are 200 kids in this drama class, so there was no embarrassment for her since she only knows one person in the class.) Anyway, thanks for sharing your opinion, I appreciate it and I will not send it to him, no matter how tempting it is.

brokenhearted,<p>I could've written that dialogue. I swear! I am 29 and my father's affair was discovered when I was 27.<p>Let me assure you, no matter how young or old you are, when your Daddy (the person who you have adored your whole life) betrays you, the pain runs very VERY deep.<p>I not only feel like my father betrayed my family unit....I feel like he betrayed me personally. I feel like the whole image of my my Dad was a HUGE illusion (and it was [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ). I have ALOT of resentment and sometimes it even borders on hate.<p>I have not confronted my father on this issue. He is an alcoholic and he is very verbally and physically abusive. I'm scared to confront him. I'm still looking for acceptance where there is none. <p>On Dday, he lied right through his self-righteous teeth right to my face. The man who beat me as a child for lying stood right there and LIED right to my face. <p>He's an extremely toxic person who accept NO responsibility for his actions. Not once, NOT ONCE has he apologized to my brother or me for what he has done to us and our mother. Sometimes I hate him and what is even more confusing....I still love him. Being near him repulses me but I miss him. I miss the Daddy I had and I grieve for the relationship I thought was ours....I also grieve for the future relationship that I can't possibly see.<p>This situation with my father has TRULY been the biggest letdown of my life. It makes me question my own self....since he is my father. I question the illusion of my childhood that has been replaced by reality.<p>If I were you, I would not send that letter....even though the person who really needs to see it won't read the very words that he NEEDS to read. Those are your daughters words and her thoughts and I think she would feel betrayed by you if you showed it to him.<p>Much love and support,<p>selket

Brokenhearted,<p>One day he will know. Sometime in the future when your relationship is resolved one way or another, he will read his daughter's monologue. Then it will be he who is broken hearted. He will realize that his disgraceful behavior has broken the bond of trust between himself and his
child. He will know then what we all know, that an A is not just a relationship between WS and OP. It is a relationship that hurts the entire family. What a sad loss for your WH.<p>Thinking of you,
Estes

Brokenhearted,<p>It is your daughters monologue and she is the one to send it if it needs to be sent!!<p>I have a 20 yo S and 16 yo daughter that have expressed to me, the same thoughts and feelings. I have told them both that these are things they need to share with their father not me. But they can't or wont I am not sure. My 10 yo D cried her self to sleep one night not to long ago and it broke my heart. I shared with WH but didn't seem to matter much to him, he has to do what he has to do he says.<p>Kids, got love them!!! I do really feel for you and your childern, how hard it must be having him live next door. UGH!!!<p>I pray that the Lord helps with a solution soon.<p>Dawn

I appreciate everyone's responses. Skel...you have said so many things that my kids have said to me too!! They all have such mixed emotions..
love, hate, frustration, fear, etc., etc. so thank you for sharing your story and I will pray that you and your "Daddy" will be able to have some sort of relationship in the future. How sad it is that so many lives are affected by the actions of two.<p>Estes...Thanks for your words of encouragement and support. He will come out of his fog someday and realize just what he has done to his family. The hurt he has caused everyone is more painful than he will ever know. I always love reading your posts, you have such wisdom and concern for people. <p>Daybreak...you are right. The words are hers and hers alone to share with her father. I would not want to betray her as I know how it feels to be betrayed. My three kids will not share with their Dad either. Mine are 21, 18 and 16. I don't understand why they won't but I don't try to push them either. I will pray for you as well. <p>Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it. I am having a bad day today and your words of encouragement mean a lot.
BH

Hi there. Ouch! I know your daughter is hurting. I have a lot of issues with my both my parents. My father especially. It's much different than what your daughter is experiencing but the resulting feelings go hand in hand... here's the very short version of what happened. <p>I was abused by three different men as a child. An uncle, a male housekeeper and my father. All cries for help were ignored. I was accused of making it up and even got punished by my grandmother. If you can imagine, I have carried that pain, anger, frustration, confusion, sadness, and so many more emotions my entire life. I've been in counseling a little over a year to help me deal with it. I've learned a lot of two very important things I have learned is this...<p>One is to journal. JOURNAL JOURNAL JOURNAL. Even if I just rip it up when I'm done, it allows me to express and release alllllll those emotions I'm having. It allows me to tell my father exactly how I feel ~ even though I feel I could never EVER tell him to his face. <p>The next is forgiveness. And these two kind of go together for me. Being able to express how I feel has allowed me to better understand what I feel, and how to deal with it. My expression of my emotions eventually allowed me to forgive what others had done... not for THEIR sake, but for MINE. I realized at some point that I would have to let that go in order to move forward. Now it DID take almost 31 years to do finally face those things. <p>I believe what your daughter did is a very healthy thing for her. This is her way of telling him how he has hurt her, yet she doesn't have to face him if she isn't comfortable doing so. It's helping her. She should only send that letter if SHE wants to and I believe she should not be influenced one way or the other.<p>I am happy to hear that she was able to do that. I believe in my heart that has helped her. <p>I hope (and feel) that she will be just fine one day. <p>Good luck to her (and you). <p>Love,
Clear

Hi Clear. It is funny that you should mention the journaling. Charlene started keeping a journal a few weeks ago! I feel that same way, that even if she writes down her feelings and gets them out rather than bottling them up, it will be great for her. I have been thinking about starting one for myself. As you can imagine, there are sooooo many things I want to say, but just can't. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story. My thoughts are with you!
BH

Hello. I read your post and it struck a cord in my heart. I found out about my father's A about 7 months ago. I have written a very long letter to him. It was very harsh and full of anger. I guess i was sorry for giving it to him, but not for how I felt. In the end, it helped me feel a lot better, even though i had to set it staight with my dad that it was not mom that influenced me to write the letter. <p>I still don't think that he understands at all how much he has hurt us but I am finally able to start moving on with my life, with or without his support. <p>I think it is great that your daughter has a wonderful mother who cares about her. Let her decide when and how to talk to her father about how she feels. You and your daughter are in my prayers.

I hurt...sorry i missed your reply, the message board seems to move very fast lately. before you know it, you are on page 2!! anyway, I am sorry about your father too. why can't they see how much they are hurting their children? I try to be there for my kids, but I know they don't confide in me as much as they want because they don't want to hurt me anymore than I am. thanks for the kind words. I appreciate it. I am glad you are trying to get on with your life despite the hurt caused by your Dad. I hope you and your Mom can provide strength for each other. God bless and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
BH

Broken---what a glimpse of a child's pain in infidelity. I wish I could personally thank your daughter for expessing those feelings. I truly have an understanding of my sons hurt right now.<p>Funny---my Dad was an infidel many times but I do not remember it as painful. I never lost him, I guess, cause he was an alcoholic and was very absent relationship-wise. <p>GREAT post....but all are right that those words can only be shared with WS by your daughter. I pray she will get that chance someday cause expressions of the heart that are true and tender are so healing.<p>TW

TW - thanks so much for your kind words. My D is a GREAT kid and she has always been very sensitive. I asked her if it was OK for me to share her words on this site and she said it was fine, so I will let her know what you said.
I also pray that she will find the strength to tell her father some day...in her own time...in her own way.
BH