My (h) is sitting in the living room which is right next to me where my computer is,and is watching a comedian that is terrible,nansty very nansty. putting woman down and eveything else. i can't seem to get away from this. we have a very small home so i a'm very limted to where i can go. i don't want to go to the outer bedroom and just sit there to get away from what i a'm hearing. this is really bothering me bad. and just now he just walked in here trying to get close to me by blowing in my ear. god i can't take this. why is he doing this????? and why the change in him all of a sudden toward me why?????? for as u all know my story i think. yes i have talked to him. but that is about all i have been doing, can't seem to get past the hurt and lies and deciet.why the change??

itd,<p>I have to admit that I haven't seen all of your posts....but I'm getting a general idea of what you are going through these days.<p>If I may give you some suggestions....here they are.<p>1. Quit trying to figure your H out. You'll never be able to do it.
I know it's hard not to keep asking why this and why that.....but if there is a change...and they happen like a revolvong door...then take the good when you can get it and deal with the bad as it comes.
2. Try to detach yourself from this and starting working on things that you want to change about yourself. Start doing things on your own....I know you said your H was laid off.....but going for a walk by yourself doesn't cost any money. I did this numorous times....made me feel better.
3. Try not to overanalyze things. When your H does something good....don't ask him why....just take it for what it's worth.<p>I've been where you are right now....full of anxiety, emotions, questions and all that....but there is a breaking point where you just have to say....heck with it and work on yourself and quit worrying about your H. He has to work on his problems himself....you cannot fix them for him.

Hi sweetie! I think Miss Priss gave you some EXCELLENT advice. <p>Just one more thing I would like to add... have you told him how you feel about the TV? Sometimes we think that our mates can read our minds. We *expect* them to magically know what we want. I am the WORST for doing that. They can't know it's bothering us unless we communicate.<p>How weird! This happened to me not too long ago. It seems that HE always watches what he wants and I end up going to another room. Well, he thinks that's where I want to be. One day out of nowhere I got so irritated and he had no idea why! So I told him and he had been clueless the whole time. Now he makes sure to take the time and have consideration for what I may want to watch and where (in the living room, bedroom, etc).<p>Love,
Clear

Hello clearview&Mrs priss,
i have mentioned to him several times about watching some shows he watches,and if i a'm in the living room with him then he changes the channel. but as i said my home is very small and being that my room where my computer is at i still hear it for he don't change it if i a'm not in the same room as him. and he knows i hear it, i mean gosh!!! and as far as taking a walk DARN it is cold out side and i have lung problems and that makes it worse on me to breath when i go outside when that cold. why is it i feel like u are defending him? i really feel that,am i nuts or what [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Cathy, oh goodness! I didn't mean to imply I am defending him. I was just thinking that sometimes we just assume they know they are bugging us.<p>Hmmm, I really don't know how to fix this. I know that you can't *make* him do what you want. Living together is really hard sometimes. Think about it. Two different people grow up in two different households with two different sets of rules/habits/values... and then BAM, we are expected to live together and it's always supposed to be hunky dorey. I've joked before about living in two separate houses on the same land. Ha ha..<p>It IS difficult sometimes. I think that's where compromise comes in, and the give and take. HE must be willing to compromise and you should too. If he isn't willing then you can't change it, you just need to decide what you can do about it. <p>I surely hope I didn't offend you. I'm just trying to help.<p>Hang in there sweetie!

And p.s. NO you are NOT nuts!!!<p>Here's another example of him driving me crazy. Every time we get in the car he lights up a cigarette. I have extremely bad allergies and am on medication about 6 mos of the year. He'll sit around and wait for 15 minutes or more for me to get my things together to leave. He had ALL this time to smoke but didn't. Then we get in the car and there ya have it. He lights one up... with the windows up. It drives me nuts!!!<p>I have said things politely before but I don't think he took me seriously. After a LONG day Saturday, we were really getting on my nerves and finally I just said to him "I have GOT to say this and it may make you mad but it's really bugging me" and I said what I had to say. It wasn't said in the nicest way and he just looked at me - dazed and confused.<p>He didn't realize how strongly I felt about it and just how much it bothered me. <p>Sometimes I just don't think people realize the implications of what they are doing. In his head, it's his house too so why should he not be able to watch what he wants? My bf probably think it's his car so why can't he smoke in it?<p>That's just normal although I sure do wish I had a solution.<p>BTW, I really care about my bf and we have a great relationship. We are really working on this. I think everyone probably experiences something similar to this.

itd<p>Are either you or your H in any sort of counseling?
Are you on any sort of anti-depressents?<p>I agee with Clearview...that they can't read our minds.
You say that he will change the channel if you are in the same room. Is it not possible that he assumes that since you are in another room that you are involved in something and you are not paying attention to the tv or that you cannot hear it?<p>I'm not defending him.....but at least he does change the channel when you are in the same room....that does show at least a little measure of respect for your feelings.
Also.....just because he is watching something like this doesn't really mean that he thinks the things that this person is saying.
I may be wrong here..... haven't see alot of your story.<p>Like I said.....you need to take hold of the little things and take them for what they are worth. Take the bad as it comes.

Clearview,
i a'm not upset with u ok? i just don't understand why this is happening to me [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] he has got my mind so messed up gosh,i cant think strait at all. and let me ask u a question? as i said last night because i was trying to be nice to him only talking as for now, i can't and won't do anything else for the hurt he has put me through. he was trying to get close to me,i CAN'T but i did say in a very nice way please no (H) why is it everyone thinks i a'm (LB by just saying no in a nice way? a'm i supposed to just say ok here u go after what he has done to me? no way!!!!!! i can't.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> i just don't understand why this is happening to me he has got my mind so messed up gosh,i cant think strait at all.<hr></blockquote><p>First thing you need to do is take control of yourself. Nobody can control you except for you.<p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>as i said last night because i was trying to be nice to him only talking as for now, i can't and won't do anything else for the hurt he has put me through.<hr></blockquote><p>In order for you and your H to work through this. You will have to start dealing with the hurt. Do not let it control the way you do things. It will eventually destroy you if you do nothing but dwell on it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>he was trying to get close to me,i CAN'T but i did say in a very nice way please no (H) why is it everyone thinks i a'm (LB by just saying no in a nice way? a'm i supposed to just say ok here u go after what he has done to me? no way!!!!!! i can't. <hr></blockquote><p>I don't think anyone said that you were LB'ing by saying no to your H. Only he can determine what is an LB to him.
What I am confused about is that you say you want to work on your marriage but you are getting nowhere with your H.
Please do not get mad at me for saying this.....<p>Is it possible that you are putting so much emphasis on the fact that your H has hurt you...and because of that you are pushing your H away?
You say on one hand that you want to make your marriage work....and I've seen that your H has made an attempt to get close to you.....but you said no....you cannot begin to make things work unless you let your H get close to you again.<p>Are you truly sure that you want to make your marriage work?

Ok, Mrs Priss,
maybe i don't !! i don't know anymore. all i know is yes i would like mike marrige to work if ONLY!!! the lies stop. and the PORN!! on tv and net. but why should i be the 1 doing all the work???

With each one of your posts I'm getting a better idea of what you are going through. Been there....many times.<p>You need to read read and read more about Plan A.
If you are going to implement a good Plan A then you will be doing most of the work.<p>There is a reason why this happens.
You need to find out what those reason are and you need to fix them.....your problems...not your H's. Nobody can fix his but him.<p>Unfortunatley in situations like this the BS is the one that does most of the work.
You have to decide within yourself if you are willing to do that.<p>Have you told your H that you want your marriage to work and what your conditions are?
Have you told him what you need from him to make you feel better?<p>I'm giving you advice from experience....from my experience only.....my advice may not work for you.....but I'd rather see you learn from my mistakes than make mistakes of your own.