Hi again...<p>Just wanted some comments on a Plan A note I was thinking of giving to WW tomorrow, on her return (we'll probably go out for supper).<p>I'm torn on whether I should give it to her - part of me sees it as pressure, pursuit, etc. - all bad stuff I've tried to avoid. But then again, with Plan A wrapping up, I feel like I need to be as crystal-clear as I can about where I see things. Of course, wise MB input is always welcome - it's much easier for others to point out hidden LB's! (I also worry that I'm saying, "look at me! look at me! I've changed!" - probably not so good.)<p>-----------
Hi,<p>I know I said I’d leave such talk up to you, but I just wanted to summarize some of what I’ve tried to say over the last few months.<p>1. I realize I’ve hurt you in the past
2. I feel that I’ve grown a great deal personally
3. I feel wiser, stronger, and more capable of meeting both our needs
4. I’m here as your friend – use me as such, if you wish
5. As a friend, I’m trying to be non-judgmental, patient and kind, out of love
6. I would love the opportunity to build something great together as a team
7. I’m dedicated to being a willing listener and am interested in your happiness and well-being
8. I’ve come to accept that this is out of my hands, and I have no wish to influence or exert control through guilt or selfishness
9. I’m determined to lead a good, happy and full life, with or without you (preference is with you, of course)
10. I love you enough to let you go<p>Please don’t interpret this as trying to pressure you in any way. I’m just trying to be clear, without being too wordy.<p>J.R.

J.R.,<p>Please don't give her this letter. <p>I'll give you some reasons:<p>1. You're right, this is very pushy and is the epitome of all the things you're trying to avoid. The worst thing you can do in Plan A is end it badly.<p>2. You've agreed you wouldn't do this. "but I just wanted..." But, you're doing it anyway. Big LB.<p>3. You've been doing these things, so she should've noticed on her own, right? If you point them out to her she'll question your motives for doing them in the first place and wonder if you've just been trying to manipulate her all along.<p>4. If she's been away and is now returning, she'll be watching you extra closely for attacking or controlling behavior- don't let her see any. Don't show regression.<p>Really, ya gotta believe that your Plan A has worked it's way into her soul. It'll have to do it's work in it's own time. You can't do anything to help it along at this point.<p>If you really want to give her a letter, give something that says:<p>"I've really missed you"<p>"Been thinking of you"<p>etc.<p>And that's it. Very simple. No teaching.<p>Good Luck,<p>Jeffers

Personally, I think this is overkill. Plan A is about actions, so I'd leave the words alone. Just let the you you've become stand out, and let your Plan B letter spell out your last words.<p>I'm not a WS, but I am currently a fence-sitter, and if I got something from my H like this, it would just bug me because I don't want to hear anything anymore--I want to SEE something that will motivate me to commit.<p>In your case, you admit in the missive that you are summarizing, and to her, that may come across as more of the same. You also acknowledge right up front that you are violating what you said you would do, so that opens up the possibility that you will violate the items in the list that you say you will do: "I know I said I would [insert action here], BUT I want [to do something different now]."<p>Also, the whole thing is kind of a disrespectful judgment when you say "what I've tried to say over the last few months", implying that you have to say it yet again because you are judging that she hasn't been listening. Kind of reminds me of the old comedy line when someone starts talking loudly to an elderly person, and the elderly person snaps back, "I may be old, but I'm not deaf!"<p>I think we BSs sometimes get caught up in thinking that we just haven't said what we want to say in just the right way, that if we can find just the right combination of words, we will finally break through to the WS and help them to see the light. So, in that sense, I would think this could come across as desperate and clingy to a reluctant WS.<p>Anyway, those are just my reactions. Hopefully you'll get a range of reactions from others.

Conqueror and jeffers - You guys are saying what I was thinking in my head - it's just that darn heart thing, you know? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As with MANY things I've had to do recently, I've used this as an opportunity to say what's on my mind, but NOT followed through on giving it to her. It's hard - because you're right - it just seems like I can SAY something to make it all better. It's worked in the past, after all.<p>But... that was then, and this is now.<p>I know what I need to be doing - well aware of the concepts - I just need to be "reminded" now and then with a kick in the butt - that goodness for MB!<p>(I'll use it as something to compare with my actions to make sure I'm doing the right stuff to the end of Plan A.)