Well my wife (WS) wants to move out and be on her own for a six month separation. As bad as she is still treating me I don't want to live a part. I am in plan A and plan A'ing hard. So the counselor and myself came up with a separation policy where we would still live in the same house. My wife would live in the guest bedroom and she would use the guest bathroom. I will stay in our bedroom and use our master bathroom. The counselor said that we should come and go and not tell each other where we are going or what we are doing. Also that the home phone is my phone and my wife should use her cell phone. Pretty much we are going to be like roommates. I am not excited about this but I fear if we lived a part that we would drift a part. So for the next two weeks we are going to try this and see how it works. My wife says that I won't be able to do it. I don't know if I can but I am going to try my best. Has anyone done this sort of separation before? Does anyone think this will work or won't work? My wife wants her independance and she feels akward to be around me because I am trying and she isn't. You can say she is running to get away from me and the guilt she may have. She said it was that reason (akwardness, guilt, etc..) and the fact that she wants to be on her own to see if that is really what she wants. Up until this point we were still sleeping in the same bed (no contact or anything like that) and sharing the same bathroom. My wife told the counselor it just feels too akward to her right now to be with me. This is because of the lack of feelings for me, etc..
This is going to be hard on me. I am going to basically know for the most part when my wife goes out with her friends and parties. When she goes out dancing, when she smokes pot, etc..
Does anyone have any advice for me? Any feedback on this type of separation? I am going to need a lot of strength to be able to do this.

IMHO, I think it is harder to plan B like that while living in the same house. Maybe a dose of reality out there in the cold harsh world with those who claim to be her friends is what she needs. However there is the risk that something bad may happen but you really have no control over that piece. She is not your child and as hard as that seems she really is acting like a child in an adult body therefore able to get away with 'murder' of a marriage. <p>Have you read the book 'love must be tough' by James Dobson? Maybe there are some points in their you can use to protect yourself during this 'trial by fire' separation. <p>To me it is like putting a child in a candy store and saying 'dont touch'. Real hard not to LB in times like that. <p>Hang in there, more opinions on their way....
L.

I know that I could never do what you are being asked to do. What were the reasons that the C gives for living like this? It sounds to me like your WW is able to settle into a comfort zone and come and go as she pleases while you pay the bills. If she parties and smokes pot, won't this enable her to continue this lifestyle? Who does she have to be accountable to? What will ever cause her to change? <p>My WS would have loved this arrangement cause that is what I think he wanted.....he practically admitted to it. I forced him to leave and he has all the freedom he "thought" he always wanted but never seems happy and cries when he sees me and how much he may be loosing. He is in for a rude awakening which I know he would never have seen without living apart.<p>TW

/\/\/\bumping up for more responses. <p>L.

confused_guy,
I live w/ my WW and there is no separation guide but I let her go. She still rejects me, still unhappy w/ her life and still blames me for it. She sleeps in the living room in the futon when she is home. On the night like this she is "out to buy a needle for her sewing machine" (quoting her exact word) and I know she will not be home 'till probably tommorow. It is very hard in the begining, I use to get panic attack when she leave the house and I LB'ed big time in which she is going anyway and probably cry to OM. How to survive this ? ( not in any order, this what helps me out )<p>1. She is in control, get her term of staying as less than room mate and honor it. Written or not. Make it safe for her to be home and do not chase her.
2. REMEMBER when she is going out, do not LB'ed, nothing you could do. If you want to LB ... just picture your WW cries in the arm of OM complement of you.
3. Focus on your kid and help them out ... the moment there is a sign of effect you have to make hard decision. I told SH, I could hang in here for 1 year but the moment my D get the impacts. I will file for Dv. I know it doesn't apply to you but focus on something, like fixing/remodeling your house.
4. Plan A hard ... I mean really hard. No expectation, even lower expectation. Focus on the issues that she complains about you even any small annoying behavior.
5. Let her go and keep in mind that your W lives in her lies. Only time could shake her beleive, only time will reveal the truth, you can not do it for her, no one can. My WW is unhappy about life, she run to OM to compalint about me as an excuse and think that OM is a shining knight. The truth is catching up on her, I just have to hang in there hard.
6. Consel w/ MB. Steve points out some actions that could give you some hope or signal of danger. I have a lot of questions ready for him in detail situation. He helps me out to "intrepret" some situations.
7. Pray and seek refuge in HIS SPIRIT and HIS WORDS.<p>Just as an addition, read and get books about "lies" such as The Lies we believe, Telling yourself the truth or Self-help|Self-destruction ?. It gave me an inside of your WW mind ... again do not despair, only time could reveal the truth.<p>What is your plan to improve your income ?, it sound funny but you have to not only for her but more for you. To get busy.<p>Hope this help you out ... and as an encouragement ... It is good she wants to move out since she saw you are changing the way she like it yet she could not stop her selfishness yet. She still looking out side for an answer and you are doing good try to make her stay. Be patient, giving time and do plan A consistently. Keep increasing your plan A by gaining new habit and review it often.

CG,<p>Much as Orchid said, you might want to consider being a bit more "tough" about separation. In fact, why not let her fend for herself? I.e. financially too. What's wrong with letting her live the natural consequences of her choices? There's two possible outcomes, as I see it:<p>1. She wises up that yes, you do fill an important part of her life. It's funny how often times when this is realized, other feelings suddenly "come back".<p>2. She does in fact "grow apart" from you. If this is the case, ask yourself whether you'd want to be married to a person like that anyway - someone who doesn't respect you, or value you. Harsh? Well, if she adopts that persepective, it's the truth - you're worthy of far more than that, believe me.<p>Just my 2 cents.

confused,
My H & I tried an in home separation for the first week of our 4th separation. For me, it was far easier for him to move out than for him to live in our house and live the life of a single man, able to come and go at will. We tried it because we thought it was better for the kids, but in retrospect, he may have been with them a little more, but he didn't answer their "where ya going dad" questions either.<p>It was a relief when he moved out.<p>We're now 21 months into recovery...and that is a memory that still feels icky.<p>Perhaps a different personality could handle it better than I did. By the way, my counselor thought it was a nutty idea.

Well to be honest I am not sure what is right or wrong anymore. I am going to try this type of a separation for about a month and see how it goes. If my wife just comes and goes and is living the single women life. Well then I am probably going to move on to Plan B.
There has been a lot of things that she said I haven't done in the relationship over the years. Some of them I can show now I can do them and I wasn't doing them because she never told me (communcation). She still to this day hasn't filled out the EN's survey. I know Plan A is about improving myself and making me a better person. I hope in the process my wife does see this and to this point I think she has. I just hope that I can maintain my Plan A for a little longer. It is real hard to keep going on when none of my EN's are being met.
The real odd part is once I asked my wife if she see's us having sex any more (it has been about 6 months). To my suprise her reply was well some day but I am just not there right now. My big fear is if I am not meeting the top five EN's of my wife. I hope she isn't tempted to go else where to get it again.
This is hard and it is very difficult to live with someone who has hurt you and keeps on hurting you.