As a BS in some stage of recovery or 2 days from divorce ( sometimes that's how I feel), I would like some opinions.
The Marriage will never be the same I know that, but what's the best you can hope for ? What do you think is a realistic goal to shoot for ? I know every situation is unique and all that, but there are some similarities with all of our situations. So I guess what I want to know is , if you are in recovery, what's it like for the BS and the WS and how is the marriage redefined by this. How much trust will come back ? what kind of intimacy can return. It's things like that I wonder about and I think maybe all of us do. Opinions and observations from anyone are welcome.

Mark--<p>I think it depends upon the people, their level of commitment etc...<p>But I have told my W (WS) from the get-go (and I truly believe it) that the marriage cannot only be rebuilt but it can be better in many ways.<p>I think this is true because if there is a true commitment from both parties, then BOTH will work hard to meet the other's ENs and make certain that the M does not get to a point where something like an A can tear it apart.<p>But, and this is a HUGE "but"---both parties need to make that commitment or it ain't gonna happen.<p>So to answer your question---I think you can hope for a lot of outcomes but the BEST you can hope for is that both spouses come together in love and commitment to do the hard work necessary to build a solid and better marriage...<p>My $0.02...<p>Good luck <p>E

Hi Mark,
22 months in recovery after 2+ years of bad times to the point of 7 separations and I served the D papers and took up with a male friend...background so you know I'm familiar with the roller coaster.<p>The Marriage will never be the same I know that, but what's the best you
can hope for ?
--my parents have been married 54 years, so if my H & I, now nearing 19 yrs, are blessed with that many years, 2 bad years don't really count for much of the whole.
--since things tend to change with time, 2 years, now nearly 4 years would have changed our marriage in some way. Does same=good? Even if you viewed your marriage as good, and I did, our health has changed, we've got 2 teenagers, his job is different...
--the best you can hope for is enjoying today and being happy that you are living the best way you can given your circumstances, and looking forward to a future.<p>What do you think is a realistic goal to shoot for ?
--abundant joy? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Living in a way that will give you no future regrets.<p>So I guess what I want to know is , if you are in recovery, what's it like for the BS and the WS and how is the marriage redefined by this.
--we're both BS & WS so we continue to be accountable with our time and open with our lives. Honest. We spend time together. We don't put ourselves in iffy situations with the opposite sex. Some days are crappy, most are good, some are great. We recognize that there are times a bad mood is simply a bad mood, not having anything to do with the past.<p>How much trust will come back ?
--Every day requires a kind of trust. Will he come home? Will he do what he said he would? As those little trust issues are met day after day, when your partner behaves trustworthily, trust builds, really whether you want it to or not. You can choose to keep your walls thick, bring them down a little, weave them out of straw or throw caution to the wind...
--I think as much trust as is earned, and you allow yourself to feel, is the amount that will come back.
--when both partners work on the marriage--counseling, MB 4 rules of successful marriage, you see your partners efforts and again, trust builds. If actions and words conflict, believe the actions. The past doesn't change but you can let it go and not dwell in the bad stuff. If you have a question about something new that happens, you should receive a sensible answer. I never was all that trusting, so I'm probably at least as trusting as I was.
--if your spouse intends to cheat, they will. You can't manacle them in the basement. All you can do is do your part as well as you can.

What kind of intimacy can return.
--every kind. Perhaps not all at once, but when you spend time together and show love for each other...the demons can be banished.<p>My H tells me he loves me and I'm wonderful and he's glad we're together. I feel the same about him. I feel really lucky. Blessed to have my husband, my marriage, and my family together. It's what I wanted. It's working. I also feel close to normal. Our problems are ours, very rarely having to do with another person or the past.