I am having one of those days. I have been out of town for business for almost six weeks now with one week to go and although I want to finish this project and get home full time, I am afraid of what may be there waiting.<p>I posted an update from my last weekend home on Monday and was feeling pretty beat up then. Later that day WH called and we talked again on Tuesday. I was feeling much better by then. But last night I hit the wall, HARD.<p>All of the sudden I started thinking about what my WH is doing while I am gone. Not who he is with or anything like that, but the fact that he said he was using this time to make a decision on if he can walk back into the marriage and make it work and if that is what he wants. <p>All of the sudden last night I realized I felt helpless. I was even tempted to call and tell him it was over just so I could be the one to end it and not risk that he decides he wants the OW. There has been so much hurt over the past year and I was at a point that I felt I couldn't hurt anymore, but it would hurt if I went home to find out he wanted her and not me. <p>These are the days Plan A sucks and I wish I was back in Plan B. In Plan B there were no risks. I thought it was over then anyway.<p>Sorry to be down. I will go try to pick myself back up again.<p>Thanks for listening.
Sinking

Sinking - I will start with my signature phrase:<p>Be true, stay strong, but remember it's ok to feel weak sometimes. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Ok, I went back and re-read your last update about the weekend you went home. I think the best I can do is remember you of that post. I didn't get a chance to respond to that one, but I do want to start off by saying that I don't think that you let anyone down that weekend. You need to be able to talk about your feelings. Also, remember how WH handled it - compasionately. He loves you. Oh, and one other reminder about that post - when you were debating with yourself as to whether you should call him - he called you!<p>Now, remind yourself that what happens is beyond your control at this point. You have done your homework and aced the test. You have done your part 110%. Smile to yourself and know that you are a strong and wonderful woman. <p>Ok, take a deep breath. You have done great in everything. Now, you are hoping for the best, trying to expect the worst to be prepared, and going crazy not knowing what will really transpire. Believe in yourself and your marriage. Take things a day at a time and keep doing things the way you have. When the time comes, deal with what ever you are faced with then. Always remember though, you have come a long way in you and in the end everything will turn out ok.<p>I hope this helps some. If not, well {{{{{hugs}}}}} are coming your way too. I wish you the best. I will keep you in my prayers as well. Chin up my dear, we are here for you and will continue to be here. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

tutter - thank you so much for the response. <p>Usually on days like these I try to go find other posts where the person seems down and try to make them feel better. I am having a hard time doing that today. I read the sad ones and cry. Maybe this is a day to go look for the ones with the smiley faces and read those.<p>Thanks again
Sinking

I remember the feeling of wanting to end the uncertainty before he ended it. It's self-protection.<p>My H started our 3rd & 4th separations right before he left for weeks-long schools. Both times he came back to town and came home. It turned out that those weren't the reconciliations that "took". But I remember being across the country and not knowing if I had a marriage or not.<p>It's lousy.<p>But, if your H is thinking, that is a good thing, and can lead to a re-prioritization for him. It might go the other way too, but still, entering a processing stage is better than moving about by whim.<p>Take a deep breath, remember what your optimal outcome for your marriage is and don't do anything that does not lend itself to that outcome.

Lor (Lor) - Thanks for the input. I am not sure why the thought of him taking time to think and make a decision scares me so much, but I am terrified. I guess maybe it is because he decisions have not been the best over the past two years. At some time he has to make a good one, right?<p>I just keep thinking that he had plenty of time to make a decision to be with her while I was in Plan B. Why would he drag me through all of this again if it was going to end badly? I gave him so many opportunities to end things and he never took one of them. <p>I will make it through this day and I will feel better later. For now, I won't do anything that would put what I want at risk. I will just stay here and let it out until I feel better. He will not see this pain.

just some hugs!<p>(((((((((((((((sinkingfast)))))))))))))))))<p>
Cali

{{{{{{{{{{{sinking}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>
I'm still here, love! Maybe not as often, but I'm definitely still thinking about you and praying for you. I realise it's been a few days since you posted this and hopefully you're a bit better now. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] At least I hope so!<p>Kind of helps to know you're in someone's thoughts, doesn't it?<p>Love,
VE

Cali - Thanks for the hugs. I have really needed them the past couple of days. <p>VE - I was wondering where you ran off to. How is everything with you? Thanks for the support. I am doing much better. I am going home on Friday and I am so ready. Being gone for so long has been very hard for me.