Well, maybe just looking for a little support.<p>Its been 1 week since Plan B, I feel I am doing a pretty good job of it, really making an effort to keep contact limited to issues involving kids only.<p>Yesterday W and I had a rather long exchange of emails about a bunch of kids doctor and counselor appts that are coming up. A couple of times W tried to initiate conversations about other stuff, but I kept reminding her that I only want to discuss things concerning the kids. I could tell that she got upset about it, made some snide remarks, but I let it go.<p>Then, last night when the kids were talking to W, she asked to talk to me, and when I answered, she cut into me big time. Started out with "You know the kids therapist hates you for making me tell the kids about the A" and then followed with some "You ruined me and the kids lives by telling them who it was, I hope you are happy with what you have done". <p>It was a brutal barrage and unfortunately I reacted in a very un-LHS way. I fired back with an "I dont give a **** what the C thinks, she doesnt know the hell you have put us through and I am sure you didnt tell her the whole truth anyway. The I told her that I could care less about her pathetic life because the woman I married and loved for the last 14 years is gone and the one I am talking to is a complete stranger. Then I told her I have nothing more to say to her and hung up. I really feel bad about this because it goes against everything I am working towards. Loosing my cool like that is not who I am, I guess W found one of those buttons that I have been trying to hide.<p>Just thought I would share this and see if anyone has some advice on how I might prevent myself from loosing it like that next time, because I know it will come. Guess Plan B, like Plan A, has a learning curve to it. Hopefully I will learn from this.

LHS,<p>Now you know why you cannot go into Plan B halfassed. It is the worst of both worlds. You go to plan b because it has darn near impossible to not LB,it also makes WS mad. So now any contact is loaded with this sort of stuff.<p>By the way, I am sure you were crushed that the C hated you. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Right, the c never loved you either. Take care of the kids and keep pushing Plan B.<p>She is facing the music and it will make or break the marriage. Protect your children and talk with them as much as you can. File for custody as well.<p>Hang in there, you didn't say anything that you will have to retract later. It was the truth and as much as your W hates it, she knows it. Truth is good, but sometimes not as good as silence. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless,<p>JL

lhs - you know what you did wrong. That's half of not doing it again.<p>I'll bet you also know that her barrages are pure projection.<p>What helped me in these episodes - and I bet all Plan B'ers have them - is to get analytical, step back, and recall what's likely going on in her mind.<p>I call it the mirror analogy.<p>You see, lhs, she's painted over all the mirrors in her life. She cannot review her actions and words with one eye in her mirror like all the rest of us do naturally. She has momentarily lost the ability to be self critical. There is no self checking going on, no conscience, nothing other than "self." Her behavior has been so horrific that she cannot believe it, cannot concieve of it, and thus refuses to look at herself.<p>This is why we BSs get so frustrated with their hypocrisy. This is why we can SOOOOOO easily turn their words around on them and are SOOOOOO good at it - it's so easy to do. They don't even think before they speak to see if their criticisms of us apply to themselves. To do so would require looking in the mirror. And everytime we fall into the trap that you did - that I have done - and we try to hold up a mirror to them because they won't - they slap another coat of paint on it.<p>Get my reflection?

Don't beat yourself up over this, LHS. I've certainly been there myself. <p>Listen to JL and WAT, they have given you excellent advice.<p>Plan B is not easy <understatement>, NONE of this is easy. But eventually you'll get Plan B down. Next time she goes LHS button hunting be pleasant and in a Plan A way say "I really can't discuss that, and I need to hang up now, bye bye" [CLICK]<p>Best to you LHS,
Jo<p>[ March 16, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

There's surely something to be said for the old advice to pause, take a deep breath, and count to ten before replying to something like this. Then you've given yourself time to think how to respond. What needs cultivating is a sense of detachment. It can be an apologetic detachment, even a sorrowful-sounding detachment, but detachment all the same. These accusations aren't your fault, so let them roll off you. If truth is valuable, it's still best if it doesn't come in the form of a counterattack over some other issue, or in the tone of a counterattack. If disclaiming responsibility for something means leaving it implicitly on your W's shoulders, that's different. (Sounding regretful): "I'm afraid I have no control over what the kids' therapist feels about me. But you have to realize that the truth couldn't be kept from them for ever..." If your W gets mad, continues attacking you, and you feel in danger of "losing it" yourself, you can always say in a sympathetic voice: "It sounds as if you're too upset to discuss this calmly right now. Perhaps we should talk about it later." This approach may have unwanted side-effects--it does mean "talking down" to her--but it's a suggestion that may be worth discussing here.

JL-
The C who hates me, now thats the kind of C I want helping my kids, one who pre-judges and has such strong opinions of someone they have never met. And I am sure that W gave her both sides of the story as well. The appt this week where the C is to meet both of us together should be interesting!!!<p>WAT-
After I hung up the phone, I thought the same thing about the projection idea. I checked the caller ID and the call came from the house, not from OM's phone, so I know W was home, and I think she was all by herself because the kids called back later and W told them she couldn&#8217;t talk, was busy talking to BF on the phone. So she was sitting there all by herself without OM to take care of her and meet her needs. No wonder she was so mad at me, how dare I do that to her!!!!<p>It doesn&#8217;t bother me too much except for the fact that I allowed myself to be caught off guard. I think I had been doing a pretty darn good job of controlling myself. Guess its just another bump in the road towards recovery. The funny thing is that today I had to call WS about some financial stuff and she was down right nice to me, even said &#8220;talk to you later&#8221; when she hung up. <p>Resilent and Eddystone have some good advice about how to handle the next barrage. Hopefully I can mentally file it away and be able to remember it the next time. This is another button I need to put the safeguard cover on. And, it&#8217;s a nice reminder why I did go to Plan B.

My personal favorite when someone launches a diatribe at me is to sponge: "Anything else?" "I heard you." "Uh-huh." "You already said that." "Anything else?", etc., like a broken record. Takes practice to keep your buttons unpushed and keep your reactions to yourself, but it is very effective. It helps to memorize the script above ahead of time, so it's instantly ready and you don't have to scramble around trying to figure out how to respond. When it starts, you just push your own button: Oh, it's time for me to go into sponge mode. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]