To BrambleRose and all the others who kindly replied to my last post:<p>I've been doing a lot of thinking about my last session with Steve Harley and his suggestion that I might want to consider filing for divorce. I hate to go against the flow here, because I kind of agree with the ideas you all came up with. In general, divorce should not be used as a method of control or manipulation.<p>But I think in my case, Steve has that in mind to some degree. Don't get me wrong, he did tell me that if I decide to file that I have got be serious and see it through. But he did say something about stopping it under the right conditions. In other words, I would be open to this if my wife decided to reverse her position.
During our discussion, he never even hinted that he thought my marriage was over.<p>The one thing I have found out in the last few days is yet another deterrent. Divorces in NJ, especially complicated ones like mine would be, are very expensive. Somewhat prohibitively so. I've gotten figures of just $3,000 to start and have heard that some can run as high as $15,000 to $20,000 or more. IF my wife is faced with giving away our daughters' college educations, than so be it. But I'm thinking with all the other excess baggage this case is carrying, she won't go through with it.<p>In any event, it gives me more questions for Steve in our next session.<p>But please don't think I'm losing sight of what you fine people have told me. Especially you Bramble! If I do decide to file, I will not hold back or give in. It wouldn't be a bluff. But I don't see anything wrong with hoping that it might result in reconciliation. <p>In other words, I'm slowly realizing that my daughters and I need closure on this. Divorce may not be want I want. But it may be want I need.<p>[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: Always Hopeful ]</p>

Well, yes. If she decided to reverse her position, then it would merit stopping it if that's what you wanted. Divorce is probably expensive in almost any state. It's really your choice and yours alone.<p>I wish you the best.<p>-HD

See, there is where the problem lies.<p>I don't want to divorce my wife. But I'm being told that I might need to. <p>How does one deal with that??? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Always ~<p>I know all about the cost of divorce in NJ! My divorce retainer was $5k, my attorney was $225 an hour. <p>To get the definitive answer on what Steve meant, you'll have to ask Steve! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>But I can also tell you that Steve told me that I could remarry my H one day if my H became the man I needed in our marriage. But he also pointed out that he didn't want me to not get any closure because I was still holding out for hope of reconciliation.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I don't want to divorce my wife. But I'm being told that I might need to. <p>How does one deal with that???
<hr></blockquote><p>Acceptance. One small word, easily said, and hard as hell to do.<p>Acceptance doesn't mean that you have to WANT to divorce your wife. It simply means that you accept the reality of who-your-wife-is-today and accept that she is not who-you-want-her-to-be.<p>Once you accept that reality, the decision to protect your children and yourself is much easier. It doesn't mean you have to stop loving your wife.<p>You might start with detachment. See my thread: Detachment with love

Bramble-<p>I realize I have to speak to Steve again on this. It just hit me like a ton of bricks when he suggested it! Everything we talked about had been so pro-marriage before that!<p>I'll take a look at your link...<p>Thanks. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]