Hey y'all,
I have decided that I will have to confront OM. It is something I have to do for my own peace of mind. Whether it gets physical or not I really don't care and never did, I just know I have to bare my teeth and let him know I am not a joke. I just cannot get comfortable with letting him go scott free. <p>Thing is, I have just found out that I have to work here again in two months, so I haven't the luxury of being away from this idiot - I will be in the mix again with WW, and he needs to know that after the last no contact there will be serious reprecussions of trying to contact her.
See when I get here next time I have my crew with me and I know if something happened and they found out - well let's just say it would get extremely deep.<p>I know how to deal with him when I see him - that is not a problem - I will bait and wait - as they say. I will say what I have to all the while hoping I can get him to lose his cool and throw down. Then it's over and also self defence. (he is too much wimp for that I know, but a man has to dream you know)<p>I also have his email and wish to email him to tell him to stay away from my W --- kind of a 1 2 punch. First he sees my name and reads my point - then he gets my face in his. Thing is that every time I try writing him I end up saying things that would incriminate me later - should his face wind up in 16 000 peices. I really would rather not give him the option to print something out and give it to the police. May hurt my future employment here in S. <p>So my question is - is there any BS's out there whom have emailed OP and made it somehow clear or made promises of consequences to OP without leaving traces or threats? In other words, is there another way to say - "If you contact her again I will tear your arm off and beat you to death with it" without saying that?<p>BTW, I have been advised to change my name (so has my W) so soon I will be listed under another name - as will she. We will let you all know in a post later on.<p>Any and all help will be so much appreciated. I am seeing him Monday, so I will email him sometime this weekend. Help !!!!!?

Hi, just wanted to throw this your way, I did contact OM via email threating to speak w/ his parents about what is really going on under thier roof, he is 20 and lives at home, pretty neat, right? so anyway it backfired in my face and looked like i was trying to be controlling. But tommorow I will be meeting w/ his parents under the advice of SH, just letting them know whats up, wanna hear something funny? My WW did come home for 4 days at first, and part of the deal was that she had to give me a video taped confession, which she did! Although I think his parents maybe aware that something is going on I really dont know.<p>My advice to you is to leave the OM alone, sure you can bash his head in but what does that solve? nothing, not to mention reasoning w/ this OM is just not possible, they were and will continue to manipulate your WS regardless of how physical you get, I would suggest looking for less destructive ways to infiltrate the OM, but in reality you should be looking for ways to infiltrate your self and plan A a bit harder. MB.com has taught me that 2 wrongs will never make a right, thats why I am here.<p>Dont get me wrong I have dreamed many times of taking this guy down, but I really dont want to waste my time or energy on someone who will never understand that what they are doing is wrong in the first place. I ve got a copy of the email he sent me in reply, seriously i wanted to shove it down his throat, someday he will choke on his words by his own tounge, anyone who thinks that lying and cheating is ok will eventually do themselves in.<p>Find peace within yourself and you will not have to look for ways to hurt others.

harley-please tread lightly with this one-the last thing you need is legal trouble on top of everything else. i went to wh work a few times after d-day, they work together, under the ussumtion we were in recovery. she never showed her face-hid in the back the whole time. i know it unnerved her though. i really wanted to see her-never have-and confront her. but i didnt. i also wanted to rip off arm and beat her to death with it. you know what stopped me??????? i realized that in their affair, along with all the deceit and lying they both gave up 3 very important things-self respect, dignity, and honor. i ABSOLUTELY refuse to give up mine-especially for a piece of crap like her. she is not worth it.
so dear friend, think long and hard about the choices you have. only you can make them and only you will live with the outcome- well if you do kill him maybe someone will be upset. good luck

Um... Nikko's right here, but maybe this needs some more emphasis - You can't accomplish anything positive by risking a violent confrontation, and going with the attitude that you're likely to get violent is dangerous. Dangerous to OM, dangerous to your freedom, and dangerous to your W's future love for you. <p>I've thought about contacting OM many, many times since d-day, but haven't yet. I still may, but I have absolutely no desire to confront him in person. <p>Don't lower yourself to his level, he isn't worth it. Preserve your dignity! You need your W to remember THAT quality of you, not that you threw it all away in a stupid violent reaction to this guy, who isn't really the problem with your R with your W, anyway. <p>Take care, talk to the good folks on this forum! I find this forum the best means of calming myself down when I feel the need for it, almost better than in-person meetings with my C's, and certainly more frequent. It will help you. It already is helping you, I'm sure.<p>regards,

Harley~<p>Just something to think about........<p>My mother has had physical altercations with 2 of my father's OW. One was her cousin (back in the early part of their marriage)......did it do anything to help her get over her feelings? Nope. Did it solve anything? Nope. Did it make her feel better? Yes. Instant gratification.<p>Now, on to the next OW my mother had a fight with. This was last year and by far, not the 2nd OW, just happened to be the one that my father's most recent affair happened with. My mother made my dad take her to the bar (I think you've read the story in another thread). Anyway, after it was over......did my mother prove a point? Oh, yeah, she proved a point. The point that she didn't know how to solve anything other than with her first and last resort....fighting and intimidation, and no less, with a bar-skank-ho like that. Although I'm proud of my mother for sticking up for herself, I'm also extremely embarrassed. (understand, I know this isnt' about me, but I'm the one typing this and I have some feelings to interject on the situation) I'm embarrassed that she HERSELF can't see the level she stooped to and who and what she stooped for. Afterwards, when she looked at my father, it just made her sick (really think about this- about the effect afterwards). Afterall, Glenda wasn't forced into having sex with him, she was just as caught up in the lies as my mother. Mom's reasoning was this, "Maybe she'll think twice before laying down with the next married man". Did it work? I don't know, but I don't really think my mother was too concerned about this woman's future behavior with other women's husbands.<p>What's more is that her need for revenge hasn't waned not one single bit. She would like to rumble with her again and hurt her even more. Now she wants to rent a billboard on the main highway in this woman's hometown with "Glenda _______ is a wh*re and yadda yadda yadda". (this affair is 2 years past) She is becoming just as froot-loopy as Glenda ever thought about being. She is obsessing over a piece of poo. Why should she give this much energy to Glenda???????? Why spend her days lost in thoughts of revenge??? Why not focus on the source of the problem (my father) and fixing THAT problem????? Glenda certainly isn't worth it. Blah, blech!<p>Somehow, along the way, Mom has forgotten that Glenda wasn't forced into anything and she had an accomplice in her affair.......my father.<p>And, I realize that Glenda has culpability in all of this, just as the OM in your sitatuation. My mother isn't the person to MAKE Glenda accept responsibility and think twice about sleeping with someone else's spouse.....and beating her up after the fact didn't change the fact nor did it make it go away, nor did it make the situation any better.<p>How much is ever enough? What you are considering, Harley, is not going to restore honor to your name, nor will it provide you with integrity. Har, you had those things to begin with and never lost them!!!!!<p>And sure, I can see how someone may think that I have a soft spot for Other People, because I was one once, right? WRONG! I don't blame you for wanting revenge and wanting it in the worst way (afterall, I don't know what I would do if I ever caught my hubby cheating and I have certainly premeditated revenge if he does- I certainly wouldn't have blamed the OM's wife if she confronted me and even if she beat the crap outta me)...but Harley, I don't give a woodchuck's fart about your W's OM. I do, however, care about you and Genevieve and recovering the essentials of a strong relationship. Will giving this guy a Ginsu enema help your marriage? Isn't it up to Genevieve to make sure this STOPS? Won't that help restore your trust in her? For HER to be the one to stop it of her own free will and by her own choice? Harley, I honestly think this is a bigtime step by you allowing Genevieve to work with you and for you (as well as herself) in restoring that trust. How will you ever know if you can trust her if YOU put the temptation out of commission? Will this be in the back of your mind, "What if I hadn't seen to it this guy would never bother us again? Would SHE have been able to prove to me that I'm #1? Did I take that opportunity away?"<p>selket

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>By Selket:
What you are considering, Harley, is not going to restore honor to your name <hr></blockquote><p>I was thinking the same thing. If Genevieve was to go back to the OM, then you really would look like a chump. As it is now, you are a man who cares deeply for someone. That is wonderfully honorable. But, to be a barbarian would make you look really bad. Like a hot head. If you stay with Gen and don't beat up the OM and don't rant about it, that makes it look like you are with her, not just because you are smitten in love, but that you have a real purpose of being with her, a thoughtful purpose. Those guys you work with, unless they are close to you, won't say anything anyway. That's my H's situation and he's a Sound and Lighting tech. Isn't that part of your work situation? Oh, yeah, they will talk, but you don't have to listen, and you don't have to believe them.<p>H, it's very difficult. I did talk to the ow afterwards, but to establish a civil relationship because she became full-time (she was an intern (that infamous word) during the flirtations) and she was always running away from me. So, I tracked her down and cornered her. I told her that there was nothing, and H could really be stupid with what he says. Yeah, we were having some issues, but he just neede to stop running his mouth. There were no hard feelings (I did feel that way when I talked to her, see below) and that I wanted us to be civil.<p>Since I have talked to her, she began a full-fledged EA with a married coworker of my H's who was on the verge of D. He decided that he wanted to work on his M, but thinks his W is a WS. Now, it would appear she's got one going with a MM of almost 2 years.<p>I honestly feel like throwing up, myself, but when I do, I hope it's in her face. AAAch. I've prayed that God would take her out. I prayed that God would take revenge on her, cuz He could do a better job than I could. Since, she has gotten into a big fight with her roommate and the roommate is telling ALL her secrets...hehehe...
ahem. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Plus, she's been getting these bad headaches. I almost feel like I had had a voodoo doll made, but I honestly haven't.<p>Does this help?<p>Hoping

VHH - As tempting as it might be to put the OM in a body cast, it won't do any good in the long run. I know the OM in our case very well. Sent him an e-mail early on to let him know how I felt about his pitiful behavior, and explained that I didn't want to see him because I don't want to physically hurt anyone. He understands the message, and knows to stay away so he doesn't get injured.<p>Take a deep breath and use brain instead of brawn to solve your dilemmas. Much more effective, plus it's much harder to work on restoring your marriage from behind bars.

Harley,<p>The word you are looking for is anxiety. That is what you want him to feel; anxiety. That his future may not be what he wished if he ever gets close to your W again. For this to be effective, there can be no written trail, the message must be clear, concise, simple (a simple mind requires this), and to the point. But no more.<p>No threats, no what if's, just a simple: "you will be dealt with appropriately at the time."<p>It should be done quietly, with no witnesses to confirm or deny. He needs to feel his vulnerablility.<p>Then simply nothing more, no contact, no email, nothing. Just the thought of you in his mind, but nothing really to focus on or defend, just you.<p>Harley, I would prefer that you didn't confront him, but if you do contact him do it for a purpose and that purpose is to instill anxiety. This is subtle.<p>I have always liked the say: "revenge is a dish best served cold."<p>But, the one I like the best is one that someone here used to have at the bottom of his posts, "resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."<p>Lose the resentment Harley, deal with your W and your marriage, let revenge come to the OM in his time. It very likely will.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Thank you all for ur responses. I am actually looking for a way to instill exactly what JL has talked about --- anxiety and fear of reprecussions.<p>I know that physically damaging him would be a bad thing to do - but I thought if I could get him to throw first I would have witnesses. I have come to learn that the law here isn't as lenient and that self defence is a lot tougher to prove here than home. So I guess thinking he would be hooked up to breathing machines when I am through with him is a pipe dream. DAMN!!!!<p>I do have to contact him somehow though, I have to at least let him know I am not having this no more. Which is why anyone who could tell me how to tactfully say this in an email and then later to his face would be doing me a great favor. <p>JL, thankyou u r saying exactly what I am feelng. My resentment for him continues I think because I have not communicated anything to him. I know if I warn him and know he feels pressure that I would lose alot of anger, cuz I would know I am in his head and that he is worried,<p>Selket, I am sorry about ur mom but I can completely understand what she had to do. I hope she is better these days. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Isn't it up to Genevieve to make sure this STOPS? Won't that help restore your trust in her? For HER to be the one to stop it of her own free will and by her own choice? <hr></blockquote><p>Yes it is up to Gen to stop this all. But to me it also that OM has nothing to fear when and if she does call - or when he feels the need to pick up the phone. If I was OM and BS said nothing I would think he wasn't worried about me, therefore I would do what I had to do to be with the woman I loved. If he can understand that I am not too far away from a total war it may make him reconsider. <p>H4F I know inellectually that my being with Gen and him not having her is proof enough - however I can't be sure of anything. My heart tells me that she hasn't been with me for as long as she was contacting him. Her recovery has been a lie up and until a few days ago. Whether that is over or not only time will tell - but the things she said to him led him to believe he meant more to her than I did. Which makes him more prone to call - to facilitate contact of any kind. That is unacceptable to me.<p>To Shatteredin SF
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Sent him an e-mail early on to let him know how I felt about his pitiful behavior, and explained that I didn't want to see him because I don't want to physically hurt anyone. He understands the message, and knows to stay away so he doesn't get injured. <hr></blockquote><p>Shattered, what did this email say? I would love to hear it cuz that is the message my OM needs.<p>When I think about hurting him it makes me feel content, but do know if it actually happens I will feel rotten - cuz he's so freaking young. But what I want - no - need - is to be able to let him know what I can do - kinda say "boo" when he isn't expecting it and then do exactly what JL says. No more contact, nothing just him and the anxiety over what I said. <p>Anyone have any saved OM letters or email? I would love some examples.

veryhurtHarley, please heed JL's advice. He is a very wise man.<p>The best revenge on any OP is No contact--even for BS. That will keep him in the anxious state you desire. <p>Physical violence only opens more trouble. Perhaps the much more necessary focus you need right now is tapping into your true feelings for WW--do you love her? How can you show her without frightening her that you want your M restored?<p>OM is not worth the blood and water that makes him human...not worth the effort...try to let it go (not easy, I am sure) Look for the more life giving, enriching aspect. You will find much deeper peace and I pray some happiness.

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BTW Freshstart I have already made up my mind not to harm him physically for the reasons listed above.<p>I cannot however have peace of mind without communicating something to him, as said before. <p>Yeah, he's a worthless peice of crap for sure, and not worth my concern. My goal from this is to make him think twice about initiating contact. As you made have read above, my W made him believe he meant more to her than I did - recently she said this to him. She swears now this was only said to string him along. However, without my saying anything, he feels no worry from me to contact or resume anything. He needs to know that is not the case.<p>Thankyou for ur response.

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HI, I think I posted to you before, but just wanted you to know... my first meeting with ow was accidental... I went to ck out a bar where my h and ow slutface idiot took my chldren... well the love birds, blech, walked in..<p>yes, I took her down, never in a fight before in my life.... I am female, feminine, and never before have I ever done such a thing- I had a few drinks in me and no food or sleep and it was only 2 wks after d day, this is the only rational I have for what I did.<p>I wish I had not. The police were involved,,, and somehow by complete accident, my h was hurt too.. minorly, but still he is angry and mad still. <p>Both ow and h bonded and filed charges against me, just wonderful , eh? Well, charges were dropped with ow, but I did get offensive touching, which is still minor, but alas on my record, wth my h... sad, but true. i paid a lot of money I needed to an attorney... and it was quite stressful.<p>Anyhow, just to let you know.. .it is not the best idea. I had no plan, I think that you are thinking about it, and posting about your feelings is good.... it helps to vent....<p>I am now getting ulcers at this stage of the trouble in my M. I am tired of the whole thing.. and so not seeing h unless he makes real changes... thus , the ulcer.. he is mad again, etc.<p>I am stikll angry, at my ow... whatever the sl)t.... but there is nothing I can do... they are supposedly not seeing one another, and she is what she is, a ho. so whatever... everyone says, if not her, h would of found another if that is what he wanted...i know she chased him , etc... so I do hate this ho... my anger is intense for her.... but, I have to let it go.<p>BTW, it did feel great to bash her in, I hate to admit it, but the after effects are the bad ones! I really even felt bad... but still.... she did deserve it, and I know you knowe the feeling... just some thoughts...<p>Hugs to you, H

My OW-revenge-plan-A involved buying wasp bait (it's this scented stuff to be placed into a wasp trap ... and the wasps are drawn into the trap by the scent, and can't escape). This is really dangerous stuff.... because the instructions say to place the scent into the trap in the dead of night because the wasps will travel from miles around toward the scent. I thought about smearing the bait onto the underside of her car ..... and then I visualized the car surrounded by wasps wherever she went ... and her body got all bloated from stings..... ugh.<p>THEN .... I decided that whatever "revenge" I took out on her, I would have to allow her husband to duplicate upon my own guilty husband! ..... and, since I did not wish to cover my husband with wasps ... I gradually released my desire to inflict harm .... I would do NO harm, either psychological or physical.<p>I am grateful my better sense prevailed.<p>My other scheme involved a felony .... I regularly fill out forms for the public health department regarding contageous diseases and/or STD's ... all I needed to do (to have her investigated) was to fill out a form .... but, again, I made myself think about doing the exact thing TO MY HUSBAND ... and, that stopped me.<p>Fantasy not reality.<p>Rise above these thoughts.<p>Pepper

Pepper: "but, again, I made myself think about doing the exact thing TO MY HUSBAND ... and, that stopped me."<p>Very good idea, change the perspective! Yeah, I wouldn't want to ever even SEE OM in person, but I'm not a violent person anyway, so it wouldn't be my fear of doing something physically stupid that stops me, but saying something stupid that makes me look like a chump.<p>But I have thought how nice it would be if an asteroid were to hit his house when he's home. Nothing big enough to cause a global extinction event, mind you, just enough to make a nice bowl-shaped crater a couple of miles across that we could all buy tickets to look down into on weekends!

Take it from someone else who has been there, many times at the beginning I wondered how "life" behind bars would be. That was almost 4 months ago and those thoughts were for about the first two weeks after an initial first couple days after D-Day. You see, he's the one that told me about the A. My W had been lying to me after I asked if there was one. At one point, he almost felt like my best friend for telling me the things that he did. After the first couple days I finally woke-up and realized why does it matter what he is saying, they slept together, what else matters? He then called again and I decided to tell him unless he will speak of the A in court, not to contact me anymore (I'm not sure but I think there could have been some legal issues I could have thrown at him, suing him for destroying my marriage, mental angwish, etc.), he said no and hasn't called me directly, but he has had his friends & or female friends call me and say some pretty screwed up things about my wife and OM. Put a restraining order against him almost a month ago and it has been really comforting without the phone calls.<p>I would not try to confront OM. I have found it to be a lot easier to "recover" without his presence in person or on the phone. I also believe that after the initial "throw down", you probably actually wont feel any better about it.