Hi folks,<p>I'm noticing a lot of the newer members getting frustrated by lack of responses. I'll introduce myself as one of the "earlier" members---my wife had a very serious affair that we eventually worked through: it was a lot of soul-searching and pain, but we have restored our marriage over great odds, using the MB guidelines (or rules... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>Having said that, the forum wasn't here when I started. I personally think that this was a good thing---there are a lot of voices here, and for someone just beginning to try to make sense of their situation, the cacophony can be pretty deafening. Here's what I would suggest to you:<p>1. Read EVERYTHING in the CONCEPTS section. Take your time, and really digest the material. This is the most amazing web site, because all this info is here FREE.<p>2. Read EVERYTHING (all the letters) in the Q&A section. You learn the theories in CONCEPTS. Here you will see Harley apply these in letters to various clients. You may see some seemingly conflicting advice presented, but on the whole, it is very, very consistent. There are hyperlinks sprinkled throughout these letters (thanks, Steve!). Use them if you need a refresher on concepts like Negotiation in Marriage.<p>3. If you have a serious problem that is jeopardizing your marriage (and you probably do, if you're in the infidelity section), consider giving the MB counseling center a call for an appointment (888-639-1639). Dr. Harley's children, Steve and Jennifer Harley Chalmers do the counseling. They are terrific counselors---while being empathetic, they will set you on your way to developing the skills and a plan for saving your marriage. You will do work. You will report back in. If you want to whine and complain about how horrible your spouse is for an hour---go find a friend to listen to you. If you want to complain about how bad your spouse is to you in 5 minutes and then discuss strategies that YOU can employ to attempt to recover the marriage---they're the ones to call.<p>They care about your marriage, and will do the best job that they can to help you solve your marital issues. I called them within a week of discovering my wife's affair, and it was the single best decision I've ever made in my life (and I make terrific decisions daily [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>4. If you can't afford the counseling---do it anyway. If you REALLY can't afford it, or if your situation isn't so dire, considering expanding your library at the BOOKSTORE. I'd probably encourage you all to by "Falling in Love, Staying in Love", even though I don't have this book---it sounds like a compendium of Lovebusters, Give and Take, and His Needs/Her Needs---all of which work very well together. And for the group here at infidelity, "Surviving an Affair" is required reading. I'll stress this point---it's very hard to attempt a do-it-yourself approach to dealing with and recovering from an affair. Attempt to get some counseling, even if it's local counseling (try to find someone who is familiar with the Harley material and will support you in your quest for restoration)<p>5. Finally, when you come here to ask questions, try to frame them using MB language. I think this is valuable because you'll end up attracting people who have read (and hopefully understand) the concepts. You may not get agreement---we've had lively debates here concerning "Radical Honesty", "Physical Attractiveness as a legit need", and several others. But typically, the discussion will be centered around what YOU need to be focused on.<p>God bless---and best of luck in the restoration of your marriage!<p>(Cross posted from Emotional Needs)

Hi K,<p>This is EXCELLENT!<p>May I be so bold as to tack on some thoughts about posting to the boards, after you've worked through the suggestions K has made?<p>Being realistic:<p>People who post here are generally VULNERABLE, HURTING, and NEEDY. Expect some raw emotions. Generally, it is NOT about YOU, even if they snap. Try not to take things personally. (I have learned this the looooooooooong, hard way - I have been both snapped at, and snappy.) <p>Although there are over two dozen boards to chose among in our forum, the really busy boards are -

• General Questions II (Infidelity)
• Emotional Needs (Discussions about the EN's in Harley's books and articles)
• Recovery (from Infidelity)
• Divorce/Divorcing (after all else has failed)
• Preg/Child (as a result of infidelity)

<p>There are a LOT of boards to chose from around here. Although it would be great to go to an area that fits your exact situation, sometimes it's the least active place. For example, "Living Together Before Married" may be right where you are, but that board doesn't get a lot of traffic. If you want lots of responses, one of the busier boards may be your answer.<p>Friday's, weekends and holidays are slow. Don't be disappointed if you receive only a few (or no) responses.<p>If you get only one response, reply to that response. Don't get upset and ignore the one person who DID reach out to you. Sometimes that one person will turn into your greatest supporter.<p>Reply to each and every response you get, if even just to say, "Thanks for dropping by"... One of the most hurtful things you can do is ignore someone who has taken the time to respond to you.<p>Look for QUALITY, not QUANTITY. I personally have had some posts that went over the 100 mark, and although it's sometimes *fun* to see those big ones, some really good stuff gets passed over whilst trying to weed through the rest. <p>Use this board as a practice field for how to treat your spouse. Try to see the person (and the pain) behind the words.
<p>I hope this helps some also. K, if you'd like me to remove it and/or begin another thread, I'll be happy to do that. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

i cant believe i missed k again- thanks for all your input k and the advice.

Listen up everyone...<p>...when K speaks...
...the voice of wisdom and experience is sounding the truth!<p>Those who ignore the advice of the wise...
...will miss out on a the wealth of grace.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Happy Easter, Jim!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Jim,<p>It's so good to see you again! I hope everything is going well.<p>Thanks K & Sheryl for posting this. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Happy Easter to all of you.<p>-HD

Hi Jim too!!<p>Yes, K has written me on the EN board and has said that I may indeed keep my additions on his wonderful thread. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Happy Easter K, Jim, HD and nikko!

Thank you all for the well wishes...<p>...there is definitely some good news in the offing...
...and I'll post about that in a later post of my own.<p>Happy Easter... and Passover... to all!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

happy easter everyone!!!

WOW! This is great! Especially being a holiday weekend and all. It will comfort any newcomers that join this weekend! Have a Happy Easter everyone!
1step [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

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bump for poison

bump.<p>And endorse. Dear Newbies, we know how you feel. We have been there. We ARE there. And since we are all hurting too, sometimes we are very exhausted and can't answer all of the questions you have. But we care. Please keep posting.

Wise people who give great advise. Hope God smiles on your participation and compassion on these boards with blessings in your marriages.<p>Thanks,

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