I am asking myself: "Why did she not just leave me in the beginning and why is she still with me?"<p>Does anyone else struggle with these questions? It would have been much, much easier not to have to deal with the emotional turmoil of infidelity.
If WS's fall out of love, then why don't they leave or try to work things out in the beginning? This would be hard, but not as hard as what BS's are going through. I think that dealing with death would be easier. (My own excluded!)<p>I just don't understand.<p>[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: I Spy ]</p>

I.S.:<p>I ask myself that question all the time. Remember, though, that my W actually told me she thought about DV at the beginning, but decided I wouldn't finish my PhD if she did, so she had the A instead. Some favor!!!<p>Now, her biggest worry seems to be that I'll never forgive her. When I tell her that I think I can, it doesn't seem to get through. Maybe because I think I can *IF and WHEN* she severs contact with OM and realizes that any kind of friendship with him is completely unacceptable to me. But since that's a demand on my part, I don't say that when I say I think I can forgive her. <p>Bottom line answer to your question (IMVHO): She didn't leave you because she didn't WANT to, and so compartmentalized her life into two separate lives so she could have you and her OM at the same time. Fog set in, big time. 2nd part: She's still with you because she loves you, and because you provide a "stable home base" for her to always come back to.<p>This is the most painful experience I've ever been through, and we had a major house fire last fall and I watched my mother die 6 years ago. Nothing compares.

2Long: Your posts are sincerely appreciated. You are a great asset to this bulletin board. You have lifted my spitits when I needed it. <p>I think that I am going to have to separate if there is any chance of reconsilation. WS continues to "Talk" to OM. Even after saying she will stop several times now. There is no hope as long as they are working together. NONE.<p>Your response puzzels me. She has stated that she does not love me...as well as "I don't know if I love you." I just don't understand.

I.S.: "2Long: Your posts are sincerely appreciated. You are a great asset to this bulletin board. You have lifted my spitits when I needed it."<p>Thanks very much for the compliments! I do wish, very often actually, that I never had to be in the position to be an asset to this kind of board, though!<p>"Your response puzzels me. She has stated that she does not love me...as well as "I don't know if I love you." I just don't understand. "<p>I've gotten everything from WW, starting with "I can't say that I don't love you" and even a few "I love you"s that were retracted a few days later, to more ILYs recently, that seem to be sincere.<p>It won't make sense.

Personally, I think one of the main reasons, at least for my WW (but most likely most others too)... is that she still loves me.<p>There is much speculation and heresay in this business, but here are a few facts I go by:<p>- WW could have left our M many, many times in the past if she was so incredibly distraught by our life together; notwithstanding any lack of communication skills, etc. - she's communicated with me before about other issues, so I know she's capable<p>- WW could have simply said, "good-bye!" on d-day and started anew<p>- WW was willing to tell OM one thing ("I want a divorce"), but tell me another ("I just need some time") - I confirmed that with OM BTW<p>- WW has told me she loves me, several times after d-day<p>So the facts tell me that she's not moving on because she doesn't want to. She wants a different world where she can have both OM and I. Where OM and I would be buddies, play video games together, fill all her EN's, and she could have children from both of us.<p>Basically, she's in love with two different people.<p>Not good!

J.R. I think you're right on the mark with your points. My W has had at least 11 years to choose to leave me, and hasn't. And life just before D-day was pretty good, because she thought she'd ended her A and was beginning to work on our M in her way, so when D-day and all that s**t happened, she could more easily have left than dealt with it all.<p>"So the facts tell me that she's not moving on because she doesn't want to. She wants a different world where she can have both OM and I. Where OM and I would be buddies, play video games together, fill all her EN's, and she could have children from both of us."<p>This got me! My W actually said something like "you'd probably actually even like OM." To which I replied with something like "I can't now. I don't hate him, but I won't pretend I like him for what he's done in this. I have no respect whatsoever for him as a human being, either, and I never will. I don't have to." I said all that without raising my voice, and she actually listened. I don't have to take this desire of hers to be friends with OM. I won't.

I Spy---<p>Who hasn't tried to figure out this one?<p>My opinion---at least in my case---WW still loves me...she has said that all the time sincee d-day. She respects the life we had, but doesn't know how to get back there.<p>She loves the fantasy she has built up about another life---likely with OM...<p>Just not sure if she can make the leap to the fantasy and if it will work out the way she has played it out in her head. <p>She has said her biggest fear is that she will be left alone...no Elad; no OM. <p>I think that's the case with a lot of WSs.<p>In the meantime, I suppose, yeah, they could leave right away but I don't know if that would be a blessing for the BS, because you would always wonder if you somehow couldn't have worked it out if they stayed.<p>My $0.02 <p>E

I hope you don't mind me jumping in to this thread. <p>My situation is a bit different than most. I am both BS and WH. Although I started my EA after my WW started hers. Fact is I still had one. I ended my EA on my own. I realized that it was wrong. It wasn't until my wife found out about my EA that I found out that she was in the middle of an EA. <p>I can tell you that the fantasy looks really good. You start to delude yourself that maybe there is someway you can have both. Although I didn't think I was having an A at the time. (I had never heard of such a thing as an EA) It was these thoughts that made me call it off.<p>As for my WW. She did leave me for a few days, but she came home. She tells me that she still loves me, but that shes not "In Love" with me. She tells me that she thinks she knows what she wants, but she is affraid. She doesn't want to be alone. She doesn't know for sure that OM is "the one". She says that she doesn't want to regret her choice someday. The prospect of her being on her own is scary to her. <p>I understand where she is coming from. The fantasy can be so Inviting.

My WH actually told me that he could not let the OW go because I might wake up one morning and decide that I did not want to be with him and then he would have noone. He also says that I deserve better than him. WOW, I may not save my marriage because I am a better person than OW. Talk about fog.

Feeling Lost: Thanks for your input. It is good that someone from the other side can shed some light on the FOG.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I understand where she is coming from. The fantasy can be so Inviting. <hr></blockquote><p>You are correct in saying that an A is a Fantasy. I know my marriage was not perfect, but it was not that bad either. I think that if the OM had to get up 3-4 times a night, change dirty diapers, fix bottles, get kid on the bus....be a real father, he would run like h*ll. I also think that the kinky sex would not be nearly as much fun if there were little ears and eyes in the house.

Well, ISpy, 2long, et al (J.R. and Elad you know what I'm gonna say), you're sliding down that slippery slope of trying to figure out your WS using logical thought processes. Are you crazy?? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>If SKM (former female WS and VERY wise lady) read this, she'd reply, "There you go again, trying to figure us out again."<p>The hardest lesson for me and many other BSs here - especially male BSs - after all, how many men understand women when they're SANE? - is that we're wasting our time trying to think through this mess rationally.<p>Re-read Rule #1 (WAT's Quickstart Guidelines...).<p>It's futile trying to understand. In his excellent book, "Private Lies," Frank Pittman says that the best course of action for the betrayed spouse may very well be to just watch and not take anything personally - just find some way to occupy yourself while this thing runs its course.

My WH told me his 'friend'(the OW) said the same thing...why couldn't I 'SHARE' him? I just laughed and said how sick that sounded. It's an EA, but I know she planned for it to be something far more! He says he ended the relationship yesterday, but doesn't think she took him seriously. It will be interesting to see what happens. I think he means what he told me, but they work in the same store. He's talking about quitting but he got a big raise last week which makes it harder to leave.... Nothing is ever easy, is it? <p>These EA are far more serious than one could ever imagine! He brought a note home Monday night that she had left in his locker. It sounded like a 16 year old high school kid! Not a 46 year old woman married for 28 years! This woman is seriously in fantasy land too! My husband says all he thought he was to her was a friend till she started showing signs of total infatuation with him, then he didn't know how to get out of it. He said he let it go far too long and he was getting scared, cause he really didn't want to leave me and lose his family. She was talking about leaving her husband.<p>Pray that the fog will lift and your WS can clearly see the situation and what they should do about it. That's what I'd been praying for my husband--while he denied ANYTHING was going on, except just being friends. I KNEW it was more than that! I finally hid a tiny recorder in his truck and heard a couple of conversations (his side of them anyway) on his cell phone. He couldn't deny it anymore. That was 2 weeks ago. Then he got SO mad about me invading his privacy, etc, we had some really bad days. I wasn't sure how it would go. I was Plan A-ing, but it sucks. It's very hard, VERY HARD indeed! I was just ready to go Plan B yesterday when he called me about breaking up with her.....<p>I know our road to recovery will be long, but at least we've begun the journey. Hang in there and ask the Lord for strength and wisdom. Finding this site was His Hand for me and my M, I'm sure!<p>God Bless~
amazingrace

WAT:<p>You are, of course, quite right!<p>Trying to fathom the thinking in the WS's mind reminds me of the joke about the guy continually smashing his toes with a hammer, screaming, "Ouch, ouch ouch!" the whole time. When asked why he's doing this to himself, he replies "because it feels so good when I stop."