We have been separated for 6 weeks now, when she left she said she needed the time to think and heal. (I has the A). She moved to her mom and her high school sweetheart lives close by. Now she is saying that she still has feelings for him and is trying to decide if she should date him again or come back to me. I told her that this was never part of the equation and she swore to me that he is not an issue and would not be seeing him. Now she says she wants to see him to find ourt if she is in love with him. What should I do?

Hi, NP! <p>I will see what I can do here. I'm going to copy and paste your first post here so we can see a little more of your story.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>We have been living together for 4 years now. I cheated on her with my best friend who is married and my wife knows her very well. She found out by the emails we exchanged. It happened last July 01 and since then I have broken off all communication with my best friend. My wife and I tried to work things out but in February,2002 she said she wanted to separate and move out. I told her that I have not communicated with he OW since and I have ended it. she believes me but says she needs some time away from me to sought things out. I am afraid that she would not want me back because her mom does not like me very much and would say anything to her to make her not come back to me. Also she has an old boyfriend who wants her back and is not far from where she is moving to. She says that she is not interested in him but says she still has feeling for him. I am scared that I may loose her for good. I love my wife with all my heart and I hate myself for causing her this pain. My best friend wanted me from the first day we met but I was too naive to see that. My wife and I have been separated for 3 weeks now and I am going crazy without her around. She doesn't know if she will come back to me or not. She says she needs time and she is unsure of things right now. What should I do to let her know that she is the one I need in my life? <hr></blockquote><p>Let me ask a few basic questions here so we try to help you better, k?<p>And first and foremost, read all you can on the principles and concepts on the Marriage Builders, and throughout the Discussion forums. Next, you need to have the opposite of your name - PATIENCE - this stuff requires patience to get through. Even though I KNOW you feel desperate and crushed right now.<p>I'm so sorry you have found yourself in your situation, but you have come to a good place, and taken some very good steps (ending contact with OW and coming here for help).<p>What steps have you and your wife taken - from July '01 thru Feb.'02 to learn what happened, and to attempt to get your marriage on track?<p>Have you read some of the information on this web-site? <p>Have you read the books His Needs, Her Needs? Surviving and Affair?<p>Have you identified your top 5 Emotional Needs, and your wife's top 5 emotional needs?<p>Have you been married for 4 years? Kids?<p>If your W is entering in to an affair herself (emotional or physical), it will make things MUCH more complicated. I'm sure you know that.<p>There's some great info contained in the links in my signature below. <p>Hang in there. We'll help you best we can. A lot of your info and growth will come from work YOU put in to study, read, and ask questions.<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

I have tried to meet her needs and compensate for the pain by pampering her with flowers and surprise gifts and spa treatment. spending much more time at home. We are living together for 4 years and have no kids. Read all info on the website and identified with the 5 emotional needs on my part and hers. Have not read his needs her needs nor surviving the affair. could not get copy. I spoke to her today and she is insisting that she wants to know if the feelings she is having for her high school sweetheart is real or just memories. should I wait around for her to do that before she decides?

NP,
THings get a little slow around here on the weekends. Take advantage of that time and do some self-learning [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Basically, I think, YES. You have to allow her some space. You can't stop her from doing what she wants. You can only love her from a distance - since that's what she wants. <p>Read ALL you can about Plan A, and Plan B. (There are some links in my sig line.) Plan A is about working on yourself, taking care of yourself, and meeting as many of your W's Emotional Needs as you can.<p>Share with her the wealth of information and support you have found here, and perhaps she could come here to read and/or post to gain support from others in a similar situation as her.<p>Unfortunately, like I said, she may decide to head full steam into the affair. SHe may have to learn for herself what she wants to do. It sounds like you have been in Plan A. Good. <p>After you are sure you have laid down a good Plan A, if her affair continues, you will want to think about a Plan B.<p>I hope you'll get a few more opinions - despite the weekend being slow here. Hang around and learn, k?

oops - duplicate post [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 05, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Hey!!!! I like the name change!!! Very good!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

thanks Faith1. You have helped me more than you know.

Faith 1 gives you some great advice (and I like your name change too!!) You will find that patience is one of the most important qualities needed to get through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take Faith 1's advice and read, read, read!
BH