I'm sitting here thinking of all the negative things that I have become since D day.
1. I never used to cuss...now I am an expert at it... [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] Quite the potty mouth.
2. I never used to get REALLY angry and throw things or hit things. Do that now...
3. Never had thoughts of getting and staying drunk/high for about 20 years. Constant thoughts of it now.
4. I used to be a hopeless romantic. Always believed that H would change and begin to meet my EN. Always had hope that it would happen someday. Not anymore.
5. Had the most beautiful, innocent, unquestioning trust for/in this man. Now I don't believe a word he says. If he's not standing in front of me, I don't know what he's doing.<p>
I guess all this came about this last week. Things have changed, a little. He has been making the effort. It just seems that it's only there if I remind him of it. <p>If I don't mention it, neither does he. If I don't remind him that he is not meeting my need for affection/conversation, etc he doesn't bother to do it. Keeps himself busy doing other things (or maybe just another person [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>I don't like what I've become. And I dispise what he has become. God, I need to get a life... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway, what have you become as a result of their A?

Maybe you should also ask yourself what good changes you've made since learning about the A since you seem to be focusing on nothing but negative things.....that is part of Plan A....changing yourself into someone you WANT to be. <p>I'm sure you don't want to be all the things that you have listed.<p>Myself....I USED to be like you are now BEFORE the A.<p>Since I found out I have changed drastically.<p>Before:
I took for granted the fact that my H knew I loved him....though I rarely reminded him that I did.<p>I was very cold and distant affectionately....my H USED to be a very affectionate man.<p>I would get extremely mad about things...if they weren't done MY way. My H was the same way....so we were constantly butting heads.<p>I was obessively overprotective of my children. I wouldn't even let them enjoy a good mud puddle on a warm summers day. Don't ask me why. I still don't know.<p>I tended to make everything look like it was my H's fault....not acknowledging my part in things.<p>Post A....NOW:<p>I do not take ANYTHING for granted. I let my H know everday that I love him. Not with only words....but doing little things for him to show him.<p>I am not cold and distant like I used to be. I've realize now that I was in a way punishing my H before by witholding affection. I'm a very affectionate person todoay. It's one of my top needs.<p>I still get extremely mad about things....but my temper is in check. I have control over it...it no longer has control over me....or my mouth.<p>I am still over protective of my children...but you only live once. I realized that by keeping them from doing certain things, they would never know the little joys of life. Like what it's like to stand outside in the rain or come in the house covered with mud and all you can see is their white teeth shining through a little smile.<p>Today....I take responsibility for my actions. I realize that everything that I do and say has an affect on those around me. <p>
Not too many can say it....but alot can.<p>I am a better person because of my H's A.<p>Why...just the other day he just popped off.....you know honey....you don't B**CH half as much as you used to.<p>From my H....that's a compliment....lol<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> If I don't mention it, neither does he. If I don't remind him that he is not meeting my need for affection/conversation, etc he doesn't bother to do it. Keeps himself busy doing other things (or maybe just another person ).<p>I don't like what I've become. And I dispise what he has become. God, I need to get a life...
<hr></blockquote><p>You must remember margue......that just because your H isn't doing something with you...that doesn't mean he's doing somebody else.<p>If you don't like what YOU have become.....than change it....only you have the power to change who YOU are.<p>If you despise who your H has become then why do you want to be with him? He'll never be the man he was before and he certainly won't be the man YOU want him to be.....meaning that he will change for nobody but himself.<p>You yourself need to decide what you are willing to put up with and what you are not willing to put up with.<p>Not to sound harsh....but too many times in your posts I've seen where you want him to do this or that and you want him to do it this way or that way. Your taker is trying to take control.<p>It can't just be your way and it can't just be his way.<p>Try focusing on the things that he does to let you know he wants to be with you instead of obsessing about what he doesn't do.

Hiya Margue dear,
Hmm lets look at the glass half full, some of this is humorous, some is serious:
1. I never used to cuss...now I am an expert at it... Quite the potty mouth.
You've beencome better at expressing your anger. Plus you've increase your vocabulary!<p> 2. I never used to get REALLY angry and throw things or hit things. Do that now...
You are increasing arm strength AND improving your aim!<p> 3. Never had thoughts of getting and staying drunk/high for about 20 years. Constant thoughts of it now.
This is a toughie, how about, you are "broadening your horizons" as long as you don't inhale. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p> 4. I used to be a hopeless romantic. Always believed that H would change and begin to meet my EN. Always had hope that it would happen someday. Not anymore.
You are learning independance and begining to understand that your value doesnt depend on HIM. You are a good person regardless up to you to change to be better for YOU. <p> 5. Had the most beautiful, innocent, unquestioning trust for/in this man. Now I don't believe a word he says. If he's not standing in front of me, I don't know what he's doing.
A painfull but true lesson is, blind trust in anything is dangerous. WS's trust blindly in their fantasy, too often we BS's have trusted blindly in our WS'. Trust should always be earned and renewed in a relationship.<p>Margue,
HE is confused and has no direction. You may be confused but you know what you want to be at least. Use that to your advantage. make YOURSELF happy. What have you "become"? HE cant change you and more than YOU can change you. Pick yourself up and kick some butt! You are a good person Margue darned if anyone can change that.<p>*chin up!*<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] HI [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ April 09, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

Margue, I know exactly where you're coming from! Today is not a good day for me either.....I've LBed H and really run him through the wringer! The private detective I hired (who has not been that helpful really) followed my H and OW from where they work yesterday to a park. It was raining so he couldn't see what they were doing. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Then they moved into a sheltered picnic area and he could not get an angle to see them that they wouldn't see HIM! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When asked how he spent his lunch hour yesterday, H says he talked to OW a few minutes, then spent the rest of the time sitting in his truck.... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I wonder how much longer I can do Plan A. We spent the entire Sunday together and had an absolutely fabulous day! Now he says I must have been totally fake with all I did...and I think HE was the faker. How can one day be so different from the one before? I'm not sure how much longer I want to ride on this roller coaster with him. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>All I want to do today is go back to bed and cry all day. That'll sure make me feel better now, won't it? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Sorry for being so down.... I know exactly about these two things, margue:<p>"I used to be a hopeless romantic. Always believed that H would change and begin to meet my EN. Always had hope that it would happen someday. Not anymore.
5. Had the most beautiful, innocent, unquestioning trust for/in this man. Now I don't believe a word he says. If he's not standing in front of me, I don't know what he's doing."<p>My hope is fading fast and I don't like how bad it feels.<p>amazingrace

Miss priss,
I've tried focusing on the good. I've tried everything but standing on my head...<p>Hanginin,
Thanx, as always you make me laugh... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
My new found vocabulary is not something I am particularly proud of... [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As for the rest..I posted a HUGE post on the "in recovery" board..if you got the time..go look [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

Great Question!
My first thought is I'm not done yet.
1. I have lost my innocence, but it was about time I'm 40.
2. I am a much more sensual person than I was B4
3. I know I can not control my world. And am not so axious about that anymore.
4. Control over myself is still quite a struggle, where as B4 I thought i was so strong.
5. I love my H in a new and realistic way.
6. Trust should not be blind and am striving to find a new way to believe in myself and my H.
7. I don't like the monster that punishes him, but as of yet I have not mastered the controls on this but hope to B4 it is too late.
8. I have learned to not plan so far ahead.
When I found about about his A I lost, the past, the present and the future. I still feel so lost. But am trying hard to look at things realistically. And not thru the pain.
9. I have begun to face the fact that, this horrible twisted act was the best thing that could have happened to our marriage. I hate it, but I know it is true.
10. I am planing to go back to school when I am emotionally ready. This is going to be a big one. I know that if and when I do this. The rest will be alot easier and my life can again move forward.
But as I said B4 I am not done yet. There is so much work to be done.
First I must forgive my H and myself. I'm working on it.
Good luck to all in this journey.<p>I met a woman in a resteraunt who over heard me talking to a friend about the A. She said she survived the test and that I will too. I think she was right this is a Test.<p>I'm having a good day. Ask this next week and I might answer differently.
That's the biggest change. This emotional roller coaster is not like the old me at all.<p>Married 21 years tomorrow and still counting.
Passmeby

I know I still love my husband but I do not trust him fully and probably never will again.
I know I will never do recovery again...if there is a next time it will be the last!
I know the weakest I can be and I also know the strength I possess.
I now understand the true meaning of doing things for the sake of your children.
I know how to swallow more pride than I ever thought I could stomach.
I know I can hide the most bitter pain from my friend and family.
I know I can run my life on auto pilot.
I know that without God I would have given up.

Amazinggrace,
Thanx for you reply. I don't know how you do it! Even with all I've been through I don't know how I could handle it if I had proof. I've thought about hiring a private detective. Is it very expensive? Not sure if I would want to do this though. Hang in there you can do it.. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Passmeby,
Sounds like you're getting it together, slowly!!
I the waiting the llloooonngggg recovery.
uuugghhhh [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Acme
You better believe that with out God I would certainly not be this far!!<p>Hoping that tomorrow is better, thanx everyone [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

1. I never thought I would want to work on my marriage if my H had an affair.
2. I don't have too much anger, and have only screamed at him once.
3. I have a new outlook on life. I'm happy sometimes, even though its the worst period of my life.
4. I thought I needed H to lean on to get me through things. Now I'm stronger and amazed at myself. I'm coping all by myself!!!
5. I've lost 10kg down to 50kg and 5ft6in, so feeling real happy with how I look.
6. I started sunbaking topless in my backyard (where noone can see, haven't progressed to doing this on the beach...yet).
7. I took a herbal supplement and have a sex drive that would make Madonna envious. (H even told a friend the sex was awsome - I was lucky to get a "good" rating throughout our whole marriage.
8. I have a new appreciation for and cherish my friends.
9. I am learning to shut my mouth and listen.
10. I do not take my H for granted, any hug or sign of affection is cherished.
11. I treat others with greater respect and realise that everyone makes mistakes.
12. I went on a holiday by myself.
13. I don't expect anything from life or anyone anymore - and I don't get disappointed.
14. I let go of controlling others and situations and just focus on me (mostly, its still a little hard).<p>I can't think of anything else right now, but I'm pretty sure that there's more, and hopefully there's more to come.

1. I no longer blindly trust my spouse OR my friends (H's affair was with former best friend)<p>2. I don't view it as making love or being intimate anymore, it's just sex which is something I've never felt until now<p>3. I won't go to 2 public parks near our home where they were together (that will be fun trying to explain to our child someday, I'm pregnant)<p>4. I know that I could have never forgiven without God's help<p>5. I have become a calmer person as I've had no choice<p>6. I have become more cynical about marriage in general<p>7. I know that I can take care of myself if he leaves again, though I don't want to<p>8. I found out who my true friends were, and that I couldn't rely on the people I thought I could (like his family)<p>9. I realized that God gives us problems to bring us closer to him and there's always a lesson in them somewhere<p>10. I also never thought I'd stay with a cheating spouse. Sometimes I can't believe I'm still here after finding out he lied for 6 years. But the grass isn't always greener and my friends' divorces have proved that. It's hard work to stay married but worth it.