Hello,
I have questioned my H's fidelity for a little over a year now, but never had "hard" evidence (or did and chose to ignore it might be better). He *is* a sex addict (self admitted) to porn and a big liar (says he doesn't lie anymore, maybe I just haven't caught him - he admitted a lie to me once out of MANY MANY times, all other times I caught him). My dilemma now...He says that every other woman in the world is ugly and I am the only one he thinks is good looking (I'm NOT a supermodel...). He has a co-worker who is divorced, who he talks to about her relationship with her ex, and he has told her that I think he cheats and who knows what else. He said she is "gross" (she is a few years older than him, but he's only 22!) and "old" (around 30 is old?) and that he is not the least bit attracted to her. I met her today and she is BEAUTIFUL. My questions is this: do I believe him when he says he thinks all other women are ugly or do I suspect that he lies about thinking all women are ugly (I hate saying that, and I'm truly sorry if it offends anyone, all women are beautiful, I'm just relaying his words)in order to cover up his true feelings about this woman from work or another one? Any thoughts? Maybe I should add that I have had other "signs" he might be cheating during the last year and a half including: increased frequency of lies, missing hours (a few) on paychecks, coming home late, found a girl's phone number in his pocket (insists he has no idea why it was there, he called it in front of me to "prove" it was nothing and it was disconnected), missing wallets and watch (he is a neat freak and thrives on organization, I am skeptical that our baby threw it all away as he says), decreased sex interest (I feel he blames it on me, but he rarely initiates), lying about porn use and masterbation (he insisted that masterbation was discusting our whole relationship, then told me years later that he does it - it's the LYING that bothers me more than the action), no more public affection with me (one in particular - we were out alone and I kissed him a little passionatly in our car in a sparcely populated and parking lot with no people around, he pulled away and said he was uncomfortable and that it was inappropriate)....all these little things might seem, well, little, but they add up. Any thoughts???

Boy, he sure is a liar all right! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Seriously, I don't believe him when he says he doesn't find any other woman on earth attractive but maybe he thinks that's what you want to hear.<p>Other than an affair, I think that habitual lying seems to be the biggest problem here. I had the same problem with my husband a few years back. It came to the point where I had to ask him to leave. The only way I agreed to reconcile was if he went for therapy for the lying. Obviously, I'm not telling you to boot him out but you might consdier asking him to go to therapy.

Thanks so much for your reply. I so want to go to therapy, I have asked for it for a long time, he suggested it once also. I replied, "ok, let's go to the church therapy sessions" and he said "when? we don't have any time!" Our schedule is very tight, but we could go, and I know he is making excuses. I think I'll just have to book an appointment myself, get a babysitter myself, and drive him down there. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Thanks again!

Dealing with a spouses' habitual lying is very difficult. I have been where you are now, and I do not envy your position. But at least you have MB to help you through it now! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The biggest 'secret' (so to speak) I discovered about dealing with my H's lies, was the fact that he lied because he didn't like my reaction to the truth. In my defense, I swear to you that I hardly ever got the opportunity to show him my reaction to the truth, so really, what he saw as my reactions, were to his LIES! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] It's a tangled web, that's for sure!<p>This is where you need to figure out your Plan A strategies. Focus on YOU. What are YOUR reactions to his actions? I am not suggesting that you have no right to be angry about some situations that I'm sure have cropped up, but rather, am suggesting that you try acting differently to those actions of your H, and help to create an environment that is safer for him. Ideally, the lies will filter out.<p>This is not something that will happen overnight. Boy, I sure wish it could!!! I have been with my H for almost 7 years now, and it is only in recent months (since the start of our recovery) that I have seen an improvement in him. I can honestly say that he doesn't lie to me anymore (well, 98% of the time? I'll never believe him 100%, no matter what). Perhaps I should say that I BELIEVE him more now, because his actions are being backed up by his words now. That sounds MUCH better. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>On a side-note, I'm thinking it might be an age issue too. My H just turned 28. And your basic description of your H fits my H of 6 yrs ago.<p>And obviously, the counselling idea is the most appropriate. However, if that is not in the cards (so to speak) for whatever reason (in my case, it's always financial reasons [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] ), then at the very least you have us here at MB to help you through this time.<p>Karen

He is babbling big time. Lie upon lie and it is growing. In time he will stumble. <p>Get this.....my Ws told me that the OW was flatter than I was. I am NOT big by any means. If she is any smaller than me she doesn't need to wear a bra! LOL!!! Not only that but the OW is at least 6" taller than me! So go figure. <p>I saw the OW from a distance, I figure based on her built she is not only taller but more 'endowed'. So the WS lied. I did not ask for this info, it was volunteered, but since it is not credible, I have filed it in the WS liar's folder. <p>So don't go by his words, go by his actions. I was also told that the OW is not as pretty as myself. While that may make me feel you, you really gotta wonder, then why the strong attraction? Well it didn't add up. I did see a pix of the OW and really? She isn't ugly, just a bit chunky. Then again, I am no Twiggy either so there. What does that tell me? <p>Hm........ That the OW is a normal looking person with bad morals. Those words you can trust. <p>JMHO,
L.