MY WH has told me twice in the past two weeks that he has ended EA with OW at work. It has not ended. She still calls him. He's told me about a few conversations at work with her. I'm sure I'm getting edited version, but I'll take it. I know EA is not over because WH is still deeply in FOG. He says really dumb things. (Did you see my post about him saying Saturday he was the luckiest man in the world, cause TWO women were crazy about him? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Well, something happened yesterday (Sunday) that I really could not believe and it changed the whole way I'm approaching things now!<p>I checked WH's cell phone voice mail yesterday afternoon and heard a message that said "It's nine o'clock and I'm on my way home. You should be there about the same time as me. See you in a little bit." I got this big knot in the pit of my stomach that he was STILL making plans with OW! I really couldn't believe it. I knew he wasn't working till 9 yesterday (on Sundays he gets off at 8 at the latest) and I knew that he'd gotten off Saturday night at 9, but he'd come straight home cause we'd gone to a birthday party of someone at work (and this time I was his date of choice). It still also bothered me that he hadn't told me about THAT message (he'd told me about others), but if it was plans to meet her, even if he'd decided not to, I thought he might keep that to himself. So I pretty much made myself a basket case, but spent the afternoon reading the book "Surviving An Affair." WH came home right on time last night, called me twice from work and in the truck on the way home, and we went to the grocery just like he said we would. Well, I didn't say anything about anything. I just told him on the way to the grocery that I was really glad he came home after work. WH went to sleep while I was getting ready to come to bed. So I checked his voice mail again just to listen to it. His dumb phone doesn't say the time of the call or date, so it was driving me crazy when she might have been referring to. I knew she was off the 3 days and thought maybe she had gone out of town and it was a message about when she'd be home...... Anyway, when I listened to it again, I couldn't believe it! IT WAS ME!!! I didn't recognize my own voice on the machine! I had left the message Saturday night on my way home, because it had taken a long time to check out at Walmart and I was just telling WH that if he got home before I did, I was going to be here soon after. We had to leave for the party as soon as he got home from work and I knew he'd be mad if he thought I was going to be late....... I had done all that worrying about MY OWN VOICE MAIL!!! I realized THEN that I'd let this thing take me over....that the spirit of deception had been at work, even in ME (if satan could make me think my voice was OW, that's big time deception!)---that thru it all satan was trying to destroy any hope that I had for peace in my life. And I knew right then, that if I could turn this situation around FOR ME, it would be totally changed in its whole state, for EVERYONE. I knew what I had to do. I woke up feeling so much different this morning. I was SO excited to start it all in motion!<p>Since WH works with OW, I have suggested that he quit his job. It's a very stressful job with LONG hours (55 hrs/wk). I have daycare in our home that makes most of our money. It pays all the bills. He's a brilliant carpenter and could make a lot of money. I was able this morning to make quitting his job look so inviting, I'm sure he's thinking about it more seriously than ever. And I'm sure it's the absolute right thing to do. He's been wanting to buy a new truck, but it's been my opinion that we can't afford it. I just wouldn't even talk about it! So one minute he's quitting, the next minute he says he's just going to buy a new truck and be stuck working there forever. I think he's been using it as an area of control, and today the Lord showed me how to take it right out of the arena of power and make it a tool of peace. WH has a 401K that he can borrow from. He can get half of the balance, then pay it back to himself with interest. It's pretty neat. You don't lose the investment, but you're not paying anyone else back either. It's your money. If you terminate employment before you pay it back, whatever you still owe just comes out of the amount you have in your 401K. We had planned to borrow it soon to buy the hot tub we want for outside. But just last week WH got a new credit card that he'd applied for and to our surprise, it has a $5000 credit limit. We know not to get crazy with credit cards, but it gives us a little more to work with now. WH just said last night that now we don't have to borrow from the 401K..... <p>I brought his coffe over to the computer and told him I had something to talk with him about. You should have seen him,.....he puffed up and said that I always do this just before he has to leave for work and how he was sick of me bringing it up and ruining his day...blah, blah, blah......He was preparing himself for my double-barrel LBs! I kneeled beside him at the computer and told him it had absolutely nothing to do with OW. He flipped the switch right off and listened. I told him I had been thinking about how he really wanted a new truck and I had figured out how he could get one and still quit his job. I told him he could take one of his paychecks for a downpayment, then borrow half the 401K. That would be at least 5-6 month's worth of payments. That way we wouldn't have to worry about making the payment for a long time. He looked off in the distance and said "I know I could find something else in 5 or 6 months. And that would be the whole summer off." <p>He started talking about all the things he could do here, finishing this and that and all he could accomplish. I told him if he could just get one side job per month (like a carpentry job)--just ONE a month--that would probably pay the truck payment. He was still talking about all the things he could do if he didn't have to go in. It helped that it's a BEAUTIFUL day today, maybe getting up in the 80's. He had to go in to work at 9 AM and work till 8 PM. The beautiful day will be only a memory when he gets off.... He's always hated the long hours he has to work there. It's what he says everyday before he goes in.....<p>In another post I told what OW said to WH the other day. It was the first time they'd talked since he told her last Tuesday that he was ending it (again). It was Thursday (cause he was off that Wednesday too). He said she stopped by his desk and talked for a minute and I'm sure I don't know all that was said. I got the edited version I'm guessing, but no, he didn't tell her not to talk to him anymore during the conversation like he'd told me he would..... grrrrr Anyway, he told her he was really thinking about quitting his job and she asked him if he thought he would be happy, following me around, being in my pocket...... He told me he told her she had a point..... I got SO ANGRY when he told me that! I said that was the last thing I wished he'd said to her, that she had a point.... He said he probably shouldn't have said it, but I could tell he wasn't really being honest. She'd told him that I was trying to 'control' him and WH has BIG issue with that! That is the LAST THING in the world he'd want to happen..... We both said some other stuff about the situation and it didn't turn out too well, but we didn't talk about it anymore. (Yes, I let it go--AMAZING!) WH's been coming home from work and keeping in pretty close contact with me. It's been very nice. OW was off Friday, Saturday and Sunday. WH told me Saturday morning that OW had left a message on his voice mail Friday about him not calling her and asking him to. He said he wasn't going to call her. I didn't tell him but I already had heard it. I've been checking his voice mail, but that's about the only snoopy thing I've done since last Monday when the PI watched them. I was happy he told me about it, but that's when we did have a few words about her still calling him....<p>After talking about the truck and quitting his job, I fixed us another cup of coffee and I told him I had something else I needed to talk to him about. I said I did have something to say about OW too and I could see him bristle. I quickly said "it's not bad, I've just been doing some thinking and I've realized that she's no competition for me. I don't feel threatened by her in any way. If you want to be with her, you can be. But I've forgiven her. And when I think about her now, I pray that she'll be able to move on and be happy with her husband." WH said "that's what I've told you all along. That she's no competition for you. I feel sorry for her." I said "well, you took that a little farther than just feeling sorry for her, by all the lying and dishonesty and all that stuff that was so hurtful. But I just wanted you to know how I feel now about it all." And I didn't say another word about it.<p>Well, you COULD think that I've just given him permission to still be with her. That's exactly what the devil told me the second it came out of my mouth. But I had such peace about saying it, I know it was the right thing to say.
This is Plan A in it's truest form. And yes, it's the scariest thing I've ever done! I know it was something I HAD to say to begin to turn everything around....... I made a decision about sticking with this till August and I still feel that is right. By saying those things (beginning a TRUE Plan A now that I hadn't been doing a very good job at it in the past) I let go of the affair and gave it back to WH AND I made it so it will be WH's decision to end it, not mine. That's what I've always wanted. If he only does it cause I MAKE him, it's no good anyway. The desire's still going to be there to be with her. I gave CONTROL of it all back to HIM. (There's that word again! But it's really what it's all about, isn't it?) And by saying those things about OW, I become the good person, hopefully the person he wants to be with, cause do you think she's going to say nice things about ME or about him doing anything that relates to him being with ME? More than likely NOT. Especially since she already said that about me just wanting to control him. But I've taken that power, to say those things about me being so controlling, away from her too. I've given WH the option of quitting his job, not to get him away from HER, but because he wants to get away from the long hours and stressful work and do things he wants to do here..... Then when she does say something mean about my motives, WH can say "well, she's PRAYING for YOU." How can she come back at that? And I'm not saying that just cause it sounds good. I really am trying to pray for her every time she pops in my mind. That's a good defense at the devil's plans to ruin my day by causing me to think about her incessantly. Joyce Meyer's "The Battlefield Of The Mind" book has really helped me in that area too!<p>I really feel like I'm walking on the right path today. It's sure a refreshing feeling for a change! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] LET THE PLAN A FUN BEGIN!<p>(Sorry this was so long. I can't seem to say anything in a short version. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>amazingrace

AG;
I think it was a very good move. Of course, I'm a newbie, just learning, but I think 2 things; first, you did turn it back into HIS problem, HIS issue to deal with, and second, you probably threw him for a loop (or will when he really thinks about what you said), and it's always a good thing when they get the unexpected because it challenges their assumptions about how you feel & react, it makes them think about some of the incorrect assumptions they may have been making about you all along.
Keep us posted!

amazing grace, you are amzing and I am glad for you that plan a is working in you ... keep up the praying and the lord will take care of you nad help you with all of this and this hardship. You are so strong.. after the detective discover so close behind... you... <p>COngrats on your wonderful attitude... you will come through a winner with a grea t plan a... your h will dump her for his true prize- someone special and wonderful, you.<p>H

Amazing,
I am glad you are at peace with this!
You make some very good points about gibving up control and it is convincing -- I was indeed perhaps overeacting in my other post & I hope I did not cause you discomfort!
IMHO, I would still be prepared for less than great strides with your WH. Not that you are not doing the best job, it is just that these urges from our Ws's can be overwhelming at times & they can be very warm & friendly while with us, then when exposed to temptation fall right back into same pattern as before.
His comments about tow wonderful women are to me an indication that he is in MLC mode big time. I know in my case this is big factor. The sad part of this is that with the extra attention it validates the WS & this of & in itself becomes a motivation -- a kind of self-actualization kind of feeling -- feelings that are hard to avoid & not seek out.
This is not an easy thing & your experience with the hearing your own voice message & thinking it was OW does not surprize me -- these things do in fact cause paranio -- I urge you to citinue cautiously -- from how you described your WH & the OW, it will be difficult for them to give this up --
I hope & pray that your situation continues to improve -- keep up the good work!
You are feeling good about yourself & that is extremely good!
Peace be with you, [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH

Grace, you ARE AMAZING!!
I am very impressed with your ability to absorb this stuff in such a short time, and IMPLEMENT it to perfection!! Congrats!!<p>'Course, getting all upset over YOUR OWN VOICE on his v/m just proves that you are still human, and letting the "spirits of deception" in your head "work" you. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] You know you need to pray to the Lord to help stop THAT! (I had to laugh, though, been there, done that......)<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> just last week WH got a new credit card that he'd applied for and to our surprise, it has a $5000 credit limit.<hr></blockquote>
Please keep in mind that you will also pay EXHORBITANT interest rates on that CC....maybe not the best alternative?<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> She'd told him that I was trying to 'control' him and WH has BIG issue with that! That is the LAST THING in the world he'd want to happen.<hr></blockquote>
Yes, she's been "using" this to manipulate him - make him look despairingly (is that a word?) on you....interesting thing is........SHE probably wants to CONTROL him, too!!! Funny how that works, eh? I can picture my H's ow doing the same thing!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I've realized that she's no competition for me. I don't feel threatened by her in any way. If you want to be with her, you can be. <hr></blockquote>
OOoooooh!!! This is GOOOOD!!! Good for you!!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>you COULD think that I've just given him permission to still be with her. That's exactly what the devil told me the second it came out of my mouth. But I had such peace about saying it, I know it was the right thing to say. <hr></blockquote>
Yes, peace is a "sign" God gives us to KNOW we are walking in His steps....doing what HE wnats us to do, tells us to do.
And, also, yes, satan does not like us being obedient to God's direction. ALSO, it is always so OPPOSITE the "world's" way, that we immediately (in the flesh) think we've BLOWN IT big time!!<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> By saying those things, I let go of the affair and gave it back to WH AND I made it so it will be WH's decision to end it, not mine. I really am trying to pray for her every time she pops in my mind. Joyce Meyer's "The Battlefield Of The Mind" book has really helped me...<hr></blockquote><p>I lumped all these comments together, so I can just address them all, and be done with this post, as I tend to get a little "wordy" myself! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It is "freedom" to let go of the A....it IS his problem.....not yours!! This is true. Good you recognize this fairly early on. Praying for ow every time I hear her name is my goal. I RARELY think of her at all!!! I have to be reminded of her, in fact. 'Course, my WH lives w/her.....so anytime I think of HIM, I am reminded that he is THERE, not here. <p>Lastly, "Battlefield of the Mind" has been THE BEST book I've read to get my thoughts in line w/God's thinking and STOP the insanity that was in my head for months.......depression, pity-parties, loneliness, negativity, etc.<p>I am so happy for you. You are doing very well, and your "Plan A plans" WILL pay off, I'm sure!!!<p>God Bless,

Gee, I feel so honored that so many great minds would give me input about my post! This has been a VERY busy day....our 4th grandchild was born today, too early, but complications in our daughter's pregnancy forced the doctor's decision to induce labor today. After little progress all day and baby being stressed by labor-inducing drugs, our daughter had an emergency C-section at 5 PM. Our tiny granddaughter entered the world weighing 3 lbs. 2 oz, 17 inches long. She is perfect, pink and breathing on her own, even though she was only 32 weeks in development! Her lungs are totally developed and the medical staff cannot believe how well she's doing! What a blessing to see her wiggle and cry! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>AND my husband is now the proud owner of a 'new' used truck! He found a really good 1997 Ford F150 extended cab with every option and only 33,000 for very good $$$. He didn't let any grass grow under his feet after I told him I'd changed my mind about getting one! WH's happy, I'm happy he's so happy---heck, everybody's happy!
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>That's one more weapon destroyed from the arsenal! All he used to talk about was buying a new truck, cause he knew I said he couldn't get one--we had other things we needed to buy. Now that argument has no more power.... The payment is really low, so I know we can do it even if he does quit his job. Wonder what he's going to start griping about now? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>At dinner tonight he said I've changed so much in the last few weeks, he doesn't know what's going on--but he likes it. Hope that doesn't mean my MB stuff is showing tooooo much, but I took it as a compliment! He HAS noticed the change. But get this: He also said he blames me for the whole EA with OW, cause "if you'd been like this before I wouldn't have even thought about becoming friends with J****. I was really lonely and you weren't with me." ouch Truth does hurt. I'm going with him to bars now, something I NEVER did before EA. I also told him I'd been lonely lots of times that he'd left me home when he went out drinking or when I'd been at church alone without him, but I hadn't started anything with another man. I told him he never used to invite me to go out with him, ever. I couldn't go where I didn't feel welcome. I told him we could let this EA break us up or make us better together. He said 'let's make us better.' I tried very hard not to use LB or get into an argument during this discussion. Then WH said "so J**** has been GOOD for us!" I couldn't say yes to that! I said "no, I wouldn't say that, but what satan intended for evil, God can take it and use it for our good." He didn't say anything about that!<p>Spacecase~
Thanks so much for your encouragment. I look forward to more news from you about your WS and M.<p>Honey~
So great to hear your kind words! I feel a bond with you because of the alcoholism thing we've both experienced with WHs. Keep in touch.<p>Hurrian Hoosier~
I understand what you say about WH and state of EA. Very possibly a MLC, but one that's lasted a LONG time! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] He does thrive on female attention. I have a feeling it's some sort of result of maternal neglect and lack of her attention that made him feel such a need for it from LOTS of women. It feeds something inside of him. Thanks for your insight.<p>lupolady~
What a delightful post! I read your comments with terrific interest. Thanks so much for taking time to dissect my thoughts and give me feedback. I've been so strengthened by so many great people on MB who have gone thru so much and still have such hope about their M! You sound like someone I would love to get to know better. Joyce Meyer is a special lady, isn't she? Another book of hers that changed my life forever is "If Not For The Grace Of God." I learned things about grace that I NEVER knew. And you'd think I would know all there is to know about grace.......... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless~
amazingrace