Last night after very frank, candid discussion with WH about EA with OW at work, I find myself with questions and no answers.... He says main reason he can't end A is wondering if OW would have been "the one" and that he would never know if just ends it and continues with our M. I'm sure other WSs think this way. It is such FOG and the A w/OP seems so 'perfect.' You know, the soulmate thing. I asked if he wanted to seperate to see what would happen. He said she would probably leave her H immediately and move in with him if he left me......<p>Just Sunday I bought the 'Surviving An Affair' book. He kept saying last night that he couldn't do it (end it). How could he do it (end it)? Ending the A is an impossible thing to expect him to be able to do. He seemed so lost.... (foggy?) He says he loves her so much, but also loves me too. I told him many, many people feel that way and pointed him to the book. I said 'here are all the answers to all your questions. It's hard, but it can be done if you WANT TO.' He says he doesn't know if he wants to. I know this is fog and I can't expect any different. <p>After his statement that he would always wonder what would have happened with the OW if he just ends A now, I've been thinking about moving straight to Plan B..... He's said many times that they wouldn't make it 2 days together. She's very overbearing and controlling (yes, SHE'S controlling haha) and has gotten on his nerves several times; WH has always been very codependent on me. Our 21 month divorced period showed me that! He was here more than before divorce and eventually moved back in. (Yes, I was young and really didn't want divorce. It was stupid.) We remarried, but were not living apart more than a few months during whole DV. Also, WH's alcoholic and I can't see OW putting up with his stuff. Her H seems very stable, dependable, etc. Wouldn't she get surprised when 'fantasy' of A became 'real life' with WH? <p>Today WH is off work again and something needs to be decided SOON. I'm ready to move to Plan B, but hate to do it if this can be resolved without all that... Should WS read SAA? I know all the info is in there about ending A and recovery, but should they know about Plan A & Plan B? I'm afraid it WILL make him think changes in me he's seen are fake, just as he's mentioned several times.....<p>HELP!!!!!!!
amazingrace

AG;
I had posted that same question in an old thread, and the consensus of replies was that you should not give him the book to read. 2 reasons I remember; 1st, if he's really interested, he'll find it on his own, and 2nd, he'll think you are trying to manipulate him using Plan A or B, and will resist it.

Gracie - first of all, you shouldn't try Plan B until you're physically separated, IMHO. I know some have attempted "in house" Plan Bs, but I haven't seen the results. It's seems just impossible to isolate yourself without a pre-existing separation.<p>Secondly, you cannot teach him anything until he's ready to receive. By pointing him to the book and describing it as you did, you may have done all you should at this point. Just leave it around in sight and let him make the decision to read it. You can't force him to.<p>So, the answer to your subject line, "Should WS read SAA bookaand learn about Plan A/B?" is a resounding YES!!! Just don't force it down his throat.<p>Good luck,
WAT

Worthatry makes perhaps the key point; it's no use to teach (or try to teach) them anything until they are ready to learn.
I know I've give my WW articles, books, letters, etc. talking about how these things affect us, what the experts say, etc. and there has been no reaction on her part that would lead me to believe that any of it made an impact. When they realize they made a mistake and want to learn, want to change, then it'll be helpful to guide them. Not before.

Worthatry~
I AM talking about physical separation! That's why WH said OW would probably leave her H immediately and join him wherever he goes.....<p>I've done Plan A and WH noticed changes. By what he says, there will be no change in A until he 'sees' if they would have made it together. At this point, I just need some relief from the stress of rollercoaster ride. WH is VERY good at saying all the right things, so it takes a lot of brain power just to remember NOT TO BELIEVE HIM! I'm soooo tired, almost can't function. I have a daycare in my home which takes a lot of energy on my best days. I need to protect myself and my 24 year business (and of course take very good care of my little daycare kiddies). Going to REAL Plan B might be only way to get some peace.<p>Thanks for your quick replies. This morning WH is not in the mood for reading anyway. He's in very foul mood and has already left. I almost hope he moves out today. At least stress of new premature grandbaby's birth is over. She was born yesterday and is doing EXCELLENT at 3# 2oz, breathing on her own, etc. I have many other fish to fry, besides worrying/wondering what crazy WH is going to do.......<p>amazingrace

Sorry I misunderstood.<p>By all means, if you've demonstrated your Plan A improvements and you feel you're near the end of your rope, I suggest you go to Plan B the moment he moves out. Up until that point, a pristine ending to Plan A will create the biggest impact of Plan B on him. (But remember, Plan B is for you - not primarily to create an impact on him - but this dual effect cannot be ignored.) <p>If you can stomach it by waiting longer, I also suggest you allow him to make the decision to move out. Some will argue that you should take a "tough love" stance by kicking him out, but if he refuses, you're trapped. By allowing him to make the decision, it's his responsibility and he'll know it despite his claims that you "forced" him to do it. (My X still says to this day that she HAD to move out because it was my decision NOT to leave. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>WAT

Well, Worthatry, I see what you're saying about the moving out. But WH's threatened me with moving out several times, so it's not totally my idea or what I'm forcing him to do; now I just agree with him! I think now I'm just calling his hand. We'll see where he stands. I am very ready to get on with life and this feels like stagnation. Wanting the best of both worlds....who wouldn't do what they could to get that, especially those who don't have real strong moral convictions or consciences? I've been more than patient and loving. It's time to think about me for a change.<p>I think it's time to lay my cards on the table and see if he blinks. I understand that might be perceived as ME making the choice, but not really. Not if he has total liberty to leave me and be with her. If that's what he wants, I think that sounds like his choice to me. <p>What your X is saying is only justification of her actions/decisions. These people ALWAYS try to put the blame on others for what they have chosen to do, if it makes them feel better about it.<p>I can do Plan B. I don't think he can. But I that is irrelevent now; I need the peace it could bring...<p>amazingrace

Amazing,
I like the advise you have been given -- if he is willing, of course the material could be very helpful.
Based on how you describe your situation I would be very surprised if he is genuinely interested at this time. It sounds to me that he is "Fogged In," -- BIG TIME! I have found that the cases I am familar with at least, the WS is not all that interested -- Another irony here, they don't want to hear about -- deflect blame, and therefore guilt, on us and when we (BS) try to help them with books, articles & the like, they feel threatened and resent us for "teaching" -- like the material suggests -- LBer!
Interesting how he was saying it was definately over, now this gale may be his solemate?! It's this enough to make you puke!!
Here again, I tend to believe that you need to take perhaps what many would consider dramatic steps to give him sufficient motivation to stop & to stop quickly. This I know is not along MB principles as such, but I believe you have enough evidence from what he has said and with your PI, that he is having a full fledged A! Now I am not sure we have to be critical to classify it as an EA or a PA, but I have a strong suspioun that it is closer to a PA -- I mean he or OW have not been totally honest on several things, why do you think they would be honest about that -- I believe they don't want to admit the PA part becasue they understand that most people would tend to evalute the situation as more intense or a bigger viloation of your wedding vows.
I say, let's forget about the technically of whether it is an EA or PA -- he has clearly admitted strong feelings -- I mean a potential for sole mate, come on?! IMHO, that is total BS!
No matter what you have or have not done, this is his deal, do not, I repeat, do not accept the responsibility of his A! It is not your fault, you did not physically force him into her arms -- as you have not doubt read or understand.
Her H ... if you & your H seperate, the OW will leave her H & move in -- This sounds to me like a total manipulation, kind of back handed threat of sorts --
You know the situation & your feelings first hand, we are at a distance. I definately say it is in your best interest, to protect your own feelings to go forward with your instinct to have him move out. James Dobson describes it as letting the "Tiger out of the Cage" Thuis is not to say that you are giving up on the relationship, this is a specific strategy to save the relationship. IMHO as influenced by Dobson's book, if not a direct paraphraze - what he is doing & proposing is a direct afront to your self esteem and it shows the uptmost disrespect for you & your wedding vows! To me, by continuing to act as if nothing is wrong & as if it is your fault & you just need to try harder to please him, can be endorsing these actions & asking for even more disrespect! MHO!
Have you thought about contact OW's H? Risky move, probablly upset your H & for sure OW -- I don't think OW's H is as understanding about that "friendship" as they tried to sell you before. You are not out to destroy someone elses M, but protect your own -- I believe the time has come to lay all the cards on the table --otherwise you become a pawn in their little game of sorts. Ask yourself, if someone had insights to your H & his relationship with another women, would you not want to know about it?! This is difficult call, one that many people would encourage not to do -- This may seem deceptive in a way, but I think your H and OW have been deceptive with you. I would not blame you if you pass on tis one though. It is definately a tuffy.<p>I would again encourage you to get Dobson's book. He has some very significant perspectives that when added in with the other things you are reading, will make you much better equipped!
Hang in there! It sounds like you are reasoning things through very well, particuarly with what you have been handed!
Peace,
HH<p>PS- When you spoke of this "Sole Mate" thing, it reminded of following article that you may find helpful:<p>http://www.growthtrac.com/articles/article_30_1130.shtml

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:
<strong>Have you thought about contact OW's H?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>As I was reading HH's reponse, I also had this thought, but he beat me to it. I don't know the details of your story leading up to now, so maybe you've already thought of this or it's a moot point.<p>IMHO, only in situations where violence could result should contacting OP's spouse NOT be done.<p>WAT<p>[ April 17, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Hurrian Hoosier~
Yes, I meant to already have told you--I have Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough" and reread it December, when I got a hint that this 'friendship' might be going elsewhere. It's terrific advice. I started doing some of it immediately and I'm sure it helped my Plan A already become implemented long before I found MB site in March. See, if I already owned a copy, our M must not have been all that great in the past. That's why this is getting so old, so fast......<p>HH & Worthatry~
Oh, yes, I've thought about involving OW's H! I can't believe he's as dense or uncaring as OW would have us believe! WH has told me he's called OW at home and her H answered, then gave her the phone.... OWH went out with OW and crowd from work (including WH)once last fall after early EA started, so he met WH. But, like me, I don't think OWH's been invited very often to be part of the crowd....<p>I have hesitated to tell him of the A simply because of all the times my WH has said he's ending it and I was not wanting to circumvent anything that would be happening to bring A to an end. By now that probably is a moot point too, like you said WAT! <p>I have especially one thing I'm sure OWH would be very interested in...... a note OW wrote to WH April 1st and put in his locker at work. For some reason WH brought it home to show me! It was during one of his 'honesty/open' phases I think, when he was trying to impress me with his integrity. Whatever his goal, I made a couple of copies on our printer/copier before he found his fog again a few minutes later and returned it to his possession! It sounds like a 16 year old school girl, sick with love and trying to get her beau to meet with her after the bell rings. Our family (WH included) had been out of town Easter weekend and she scolds WH in the note for not having called her in FOUR DAYS (underlined)! To quote: "I thought you would call if you still cared for me." The first of these four days was our appointment with a MC, the day before we went out of town. WH told OW about the appointment and I think she was feeling very desperate. The day she wrote this was WH's first day back at work after the four days off. She goes on to tell WH that she traded shifts just so she could be with him that night. <p>To quote: "Missed you terribly!! And love you mostly--so talk to me, call me & wait for me after work PLEASE so I can see you & be with you for awhile. Think you can do that for me? I need you. I've got it BAD!!"<p>Now tell me, does that sound like a stable almost 50 year old married woman? Yeah, that's what I thought too.... Her husband might be very interested in one of those copies! Think so?<p>I left out of my post this morning that I actually ran into OW & my WH last night. (Didn't want major LB posts from everyone [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] ) Not really by accident, but not really on purpose either. My WH told me where he was in a cell phone call. Did he really think I wouldn't mosey on over to see if she was there, after he assured me she wasn't? Especially when it was the place they always went with the crowd after work.... I think he really wanted me to drop by, or he would have lied like usual. There was no scene, I'm not like that--but I did make my presence known and told the group about our new grandbaby. About what a "special day" it was.....so special, WH had to run out and celebrate with OW? That was left unsaid of course, but it was still known to all. <p>I waited outside in my car, parked behind OW's car and when she came out and jumped in car I was able to open her door real quick and quietly tell her I had copies of that note and wouldn't her husband be interested in it.... It's so funny. I'm very short (4'11") and she's probably 5'7" or 8", but she acts so scared of me! I guess she never knows when I'm going to pop out at her. I've been very blessed by this intuition that has nailed them together several times. Always just sitting together in a bar or her car, but still together. And I think it really spooks her! Too funny!! Not really funny, but in our twisted situation you look for humor wherever you can find it!<p>Well, I guess that was a LB, but that's life! HH, I'm beginning to feel that anyone who could live thru a mess like this a do a perfect Plan A must not be all human! You know, it's not my aim to look like a butt hole, but at times it feels pretty good just to get good and MAD! And let OP know it too! They shouldn't be protected and never reap any of the consequences of their choices either.<p>I laughed all the way home that she must be hurrying home to change her pants. She had no idea I'd ever seen one of her famous 'notes.' Yes, there are others, I've been told by WH, but at least I own a copy of one of her masterpieces! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for being in on my soap opera of a life today! I appreciate the time you guys have spent replying to my posts~<p>amazingrace

Amazing,
Are you kidding, this is good stuff! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have never completely embraed this plan A thing.<p>I believe the most important part of this is that we maintain our composure and self esteem & self confidence & "court" our S. I believe this with the Dobson thing makes a great combination -- like you said. Personally, I tend to be too needy & moody to make it work sometimes & I try hard to be nice & I am in most cases, then she steps all over me & instead of reacting in strong, mature way & sometimes gets upset.
Now, as far as you going to meeting place & pulling OW door open and all, I love it! IMHO, I think you were right on!! Way to Go!!
As much as we say we need to act mature, I definately think we have to be assertive in many cases & so if that slips over a little into agressive, well we are only human!
When you think about it, they have treated us with the uptmost disrespect & they tend to not accept respsibility or even remorse & they put the whole Family & friend's relationship as we knew it at risk and were dishonest & acted immorally (although maybe they are sick!) and we are supposed to act like nothing happened & be this loving and caring person. I don't hink that is realisitic! I believe this is an overall attitude that I have foster in the wasy my W treats me that has lead to her taking me for granted & no respect -- guess what, if this is the case, some changes have to occur.
IMHO, it seems you are doing real well & have a strong personality and can emotionally deal with kicking your guy out & it seems that the room or latitude you give him, the more he wants to take -- I still can't get over him suggesting or trying to manipulate you in a way, for you to back off, so he can better evaluate his feelings for this check out gal?! What is up with that?! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Has poped a fuse here! He has taken this policy of openness & hionesty to a new level here! Not really of course, this is part of this crazy fog thing -- you know it is not you -- these are his issues.
I was leading up to a point -- it does not seem you have a lot to risk by going to OW'H. What is worst case -- your H get's upset and makes threats.
You do need to be careful about potential violence. Do yu have trusted frioend that could meet the OW's H? A face to Face is not necessary & propbablly not advised in many cases, but it seems that you have the kind of courage & strength and confidence to be really effective & the physical evidence of the notes would be more effective if hand delivered. I was wondering if yu mailed or whatever the chances of interception? DO you know where he works? A fax would work if he could insure some confidentiality.
You seem to be doing well, keep up the good work!
Peace be with you!
HH
BTW, does your H keep tools and such at home ?-- I am thinking a good strong Vice might come in handy to show him you mean business & to get his attention! He said it was not physical, you could make sure it does not get that way -- she said that part was not important to her, right? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:
<strong>Amazing,
Are you kidding, this is good stuff! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have never completely embraced this plan "A" thing.<p>I believe the most important part of this concept is that we maintain our composure and self esteem & self confidence & "court" our S, more or less. I believe this, with the Dobson thing makes for a great combination -- like you said. Personally, I tend to be too needy & moody to make it work sometimes & I try hard to be nice & I am in most cases, then she steps all over me & instead of reacting in strong, mature way & I sometimes get upset.
Now, as far as you going to meeting place & pulling OW door open and all, I love it! IMHO, I think you were right on!! Way to Go!!
As much as we say we need to act mature, I definately think we have to be assertive in many cases & so if that slips over a little into agressive, well we are only human!
When you think about it, they have treated us (BS"S) with the uptmost dis-respect & they tend to not accept responsibility or even remorse & they put the whole Family & friend's relationship as we knew it, at risk and were dishonest & acted immorally (although maybe they are sick!) and we are supposed to act like nothing happened & be this loving and caring person. I don't hink that is realisitic! I believe this is an overall attitude that I have fostered & by the way my W treats me, this has lead to her taking me for granted & no respect -- guess what, if this is the case, some changes have to occur.
IMHO, it seems you are doing real well & have a strong personality and can emotionally deal with kicking your guy out & it seems that the room or latitude you give him, the more he wants to take -- I still can't get over him suggesting or trying to manipulate you in a way, for you to back off, so he can better evaluate his feelings for this check out gal?! What is up with that?! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Has he poped a fuse here?! He has taken this policy of openness & hionesty to a new level here! Not really of course, this is part of this crazy fog thing -- you know it is not you -- these are his issues.
I was leading up to a point -- it does not seem you have a lot to risk by going to OW'H. What is worst case -- your H get's upset and makes threats.
You do need to be careful about potential violence. Do you have trusted friend that could meet the OW's H? A face to Face is not necessary & propbablly not advised in many cases, but it seems that you have the kind of courage & strength and confidence to be really effective & the physical evidence of the notes would be more effective if hand delivered. I was wondering if you mailed or whatever there are chances of interception? DO you know where he works? A fax would work if he could insure some confidentiality.
You seem to be doing well, keep up the good work!
Peace be with you!
HH
BTW, does your H keep tools and such at home ?-- I am thinking a good strong Vice might come in handy to show him you mean business & to get his attention! He said it was not physical, you could make sure it does not get that way -- she said that part was not important to her, right? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote>

Hurrian Hoosier~
Thanks so much for the encouragement! Your posts have made my day. [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Amazing,
Are you kidding, this is good stuff!<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
I thought all that might make you smile! You know sometimes I have to look for things to brighten my day. All I have to do is get out a copy of that note! Just the thought of OW writing these things to MY WH is enough to make me laugh. If she only knew the REAL WH that I know.....These WSs sure do live in fantasyland, for real! heehee<p>Yes, my emotions go full circle too. One minute I want to go thru OW's check out line and pull her baldheaded--the next minute I think I'll just wrap WH up in a big red bow and sit him on her doorstep! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's good to know I'm not the only one who struggles with less than mature impulses.....<p>By the way, my WH is a cracker jack carpenter, outside his sales specialist job at the home warehouse store. He has one of every tool imaginable. I'll bet there would be SOMETHING I could use to do the job! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] You've been married about the same amount of time as us, HH. Sounds like you know the score.<p>On our way to visit the new granddaughter and daughter at the hospital~<p>amazingrace

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by amazingrace:
<strong>On our way to visit the new granddaughter and daughter at the hospital~<p>amazingrace</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Amazing,
I know the timing of your H's MLC or FOG deal, (or whatever!) is not at all good to go along with the otherwise great & joyous feelings you would be experiencing with the arrival of a grandchild.<p>With that, Congratualtions on the grandchild! -- Hope you can focus on them & give them the love & care they deserve, because I am sure they are and will be a joy in your life!<p>Now, back to your H's tools --You are right, I bet you could find a better tool than the the vice thing! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know it doesn't seem fair that after this many years of a marriage, we are more or less forced into these dances. I guess in a way it can be infigurating - perhaps a lesson here, we should not become complacent about our relationships. Now after saying that I get a little upset, because I don't feel I ever took her for granted & I thought I worked at pleasing her -- she has certainly let me know in different ways how she was unhappy over the years on different issues -- I felt I was contiunually on a tread mill of sorts to please her -- never really promoting my own needs. This is my illness -- co-dependency sticking out! I realize, intellectually that she has issues & what she did has more to do with her issues than her directing pain towards me, or my inadequacies -- but none the less, it still hurts!<p>We know that generally the WS's that we hear about here tend to be jerks, but we have to remember they have this "need to cheat" for different reasons, but for whatever reasons, in a sense they have an illness -- In many ways they are sick people, but not necessarily bad people --- although it sure feels that way at times I know! At the very least, in most cases they are confused & perhaps caught up in a game they don't understand & therfore cannot explain themslelves.
It doesn't sound like you have the co-dependency issue that I have, so this should help you a lot in your negiations of sorts.
I say go ahead and push some of his buttons! You've received enough pain & suffering. Follow your instincts -- just don't be mean spirited. For example, I am sure you can be very objective & unemotional as you pound this check-out girl into the ground! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
I would not condon violence of course, but if you have the confidence (& I'm thinking you do), it might be cool for you to pay a visit to the store and go through her line & show a little attitude -- Not to antagonish, but to let her know that she is not the only show in town & that she may not be the prized queen bee that she thinks she is! Just a wild thought - I probablly would not have the BaXXX to pull it off, but like I said, I have this feeling you might. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
At any rate, I hope you are hangin in!<p>One day at a time!
Peace,
HH

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Hurrian Hoosier:
<strong><p>It doesn't sound like you have the co-dependency issue that I have, so this should help you a lot in your negiations of sorts. HH</strong><hr></blockquote><p>HH, I'm afraid you've really overestimated me! I probably wouldn't be in a 30 year M to this man with all these 'issues' if there wasn't a co-dependency thing at work here too. When we met, he had had a bad childhood, had lots of potential and was a really great guy. I suppose I saw myself as his 'savior/mentor.' He fed something in me as much as I met needs he came with. If that's not co-dependency, I'm not sitting here! We dated for 4 years before getting married, but I never saw the guy take a drink or be intoxicated the whole time (think he didn't have a little of that dual personality/secret life thing even then?). Of course there were clues here and there that we might not have the same opinions about alcohol, but I didn't want to see them. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] (Head in the clouds in love, you know....) I've NEVER been a drinker, at all...<p>While the alcohol abuse seems to have been our main problem, the personality that comes with addiction brings with it all sorts of other junk. I've stubbornly refused to admit defeat, except during the brief time we were DV in '78, and even then didn't really throw in the towel. His co-dependent thing with me couldn't let go of his 'rescuer' either and we fed on each other's insecurities. I am a firm believer that God honors our faith and have always believed that our M will be restored and H will commit himself to the Lord. Even now, that's why I'm still here. That's a little of our background story. There have been other As, but never the amount of emotional involvement as with this one now. He's always had need for major ego stroking and the other As seemed to be result of that plus alcohol. There was never 'recovery;' the As just ended, I forgave him and life went on...<p>
<strong>For example, I am sure you can be very objective & unemotional as you pound this check-out girl into the ground! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] HH</strong>[/QUOTE]<p>Well HH, if you're ready to come scrape me off the parking lot, I'm ready to rumble! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Remember, this 48-49 year old check out 'girl' is probably 5'6" or 8" with lots of meat on her bones! I'm 4'11" and while I'm not giving my weight, I'll betcha she outweighs me by at least 40 or 50#. But I think I could do some major damage..... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The thought sure makes me smile, even though I'm the least likely candidate to commit violence you'd ever meet! It's funny what being in a mess like this can do to a person's personality. I am very confident about myself and who I am, but at the same time, very insecure about my place in the R, I guess. I try my best to keep the insecurity hidden, but sometimes it peeks out. WH knows so well how to hit my buttons. He's had LOTS of practice! <p>The thing that bothers me most, I guess, is the thought that A will never play out and I will look like a fool, knowing what I know about it, still staying in M. I cannot claim ignorance. I know I could find someone else who would treat me so much better. I just don't know if I'm willing to go thru the pain and agony of 'unhooking' WH from the lifesupport he finds with me. Or of me loosing my handy, dandy crackerjack carpenter (especially with the number of remodeling projects still unfinished at home--isn't that awful of me to think about remodeling projects to the point of staying with WH and all his junk?) I really do love him. You are right these people are not all bad and I do see these things as I sort of 'sickness.' And that is the source of most of my angst. <p>From what I read here on MB, I feel certain the A will end eventually, if only because of the two people involved in it! But then what will I be left with? I doubt it will be with someone who really wants to work on M, but return to life as we knew it, before A.......I don't know if I will be happy with that, if you know what I mean. If all this pain results in a M better than it was before, GREAT! Staying, suffering thru it was worth it! But if not, what did I accomplish, other than learning 'all I ever wanted to know about infidelity, but didn't really ever want to know?'<p>How has your recovery gone? You are in recovery, right? I don't remember what exactly your signature line says. I'd like to know about your experiences, if you'd ever like to share. I guess this has become our personal thread..... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p><strong>it might be cool for you to pay a visit to the store and go through her line & show a little attitude ........Just a wild thought - I probablly would not have the BaXXX to pull it off, but like I said, I have this feeling you might. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH</strong>[/QUOTE]<p>I've paid several visits to her check out line at the store! I can see her bristle when she sees me, smiling at her, acting like I'm her best friend! She calls my WH the second I leave everytime, then I get a call from him on my cell phone telling me not to do that and how she's going to put a restraining order on me, etc. PLEASE! I think if you're going to mess around with someone else's H, then you should EXPECT a little 'unhappy' interaction with the W! We're not living in a perfect world here. I almost would welcome a RO, then I could get her H involved without just being a big 'rat.'<p>My WH told me the other night that if I do tell her H (OW told him I threatened to send OWH the note), OWH would most likely 'kick her out' and then WH would HAVE to join her. I guess to make up for all the problems I would have caused her..... If WH continues his attitude (and A) much longer, he might have given me the key to beginning Plan B. When it came down to him leaving Wednesday, he said he'd decided he was staying (oh, and 'he knows A has to end, he's working on ending A--AGAIN). Who gave him that option, of staying, but remaining in A? I can tell he's trying to major-ly control situation and what I do. That is not acceptible, know what I mean? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Thanks for congrats about new granddaughter! She's doing great, surprising all the nursing staff with her alertness, etc. Nothing WH can do to lessen the joy and celebration involved in her birth. Lots of practice here too, in going over the top of situations with WH and remaining happy and upbeat.<p>(By the way, I'm a Hoosier too!)
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