I have been trying to follow advice....Says he had affair because I wasn't giving him sex at home. I have been trying all kinds of new tricks, but he says he has to "get used to me again" and that is why he can't have an orgasm. First, he tells me he will never see her again (he lost his job 85 miles from home) because she lived in that city. Now she has moved here, living with a guy that is going to jail in a week and will not have anywhere to go. H wants her to move in our guest room for $250 month for "stability". Yea, right. And now he is upset with me because he can't have his way.
Help me......Please!!!!!!!!!!!
MARRIED 22 YEARS
age: 48, H52
No children<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: Compulsive's Wife ]</p>

Absolutely no way must you let that woman enter your home - and absolutely no way should you allow your family finances to go to this woman's support.

Thanks, Bramblerose. I feel like I am losing it.. I love H with all my heart, but I think I am gonna lose him. She lives a few blocks from us now and he says he is "responsible" for her. She is 42, ex-crack addict. OW writes him letters...Had to change my phone #...She was calling 3 & 4 times a day. I hurt so bad...He doesn't think that him carrying on with her (he says no sex-HA!) doesn't have anything to do with me. I was so upset before I found this site...I told him it shows disrespect for marriage vows and me. He doesn't think so...I am going crazy.

Compulsive ~<p>He's clearly having an affair, and it is absolutely at the core of your relationship problems, including the sexual ones. Until his affair is over, there is nothing you can do - you have already lost him, I am sorry to say. <p>So now, you need to look at how to survive this mess with grace and dignity. You can't educate your husband about this - it won't make a difference to the affair, and he will simply just push you farther away.<p>Allowing this woman into your home will NOT save your marriage - it will do irreperable harm to you and to your marriage. It is your home too, and you have the right to be safe in your own home. If he wants to support her, he will have to do it elsewhere. Don't you dare let him do this to you.<p>Read everything you can on this site. Keep coming back. You'll find alot of support and understanding. See if you can find an a counselor for yourself too - it helps alot also if you can get yourself on anti-depressants.

CW~
This is VERY IMPORTANT.....YOU ARE NOT THE CRAZY ONE---THE CRAZY ONE IS YOUR HUSBAND!<p>I know that this situation makes you FEEL like you're going crazy. But what is at work is all the millions of thoughts going thru your head right now. I know what I'm talking about. Read any of my posts and you can tell how crazy my husband's thing with a woman at work has made me...and he says there's no sex involved too. Whatever. It's still WRONG!<p>What you need to do right now is read all you can on this site...about your response to your husband, decisions about your marriage and most important, how to focus on you.<p>ABOVE ALL THINGS----DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND BRING THAT WOMAN INTO YOUR HOUSE!!<p>Really, really think if this is the kind of person you want to be married to. I don't mean to be cruel, but he is obviously VERY messed up in his thinking and behavior. You don't need that in your life. Life is difficult at its best. Think about what your life would be like without this junk. If he leaves and goes with OW somewhere, what have you lost?<p>I know you've been married a long time. So have I. But sometimes we have to think about the future, and not live in the past.<p>I'll be praying for you. My heart breaks at your pain.<p>amazingrace

Sweetie, OMGosh! I hurt so bad for you in this. I'm praying for you now!<p>I am totally in support of what BrambleRose is saying. She is so wise in these things. Please do listen to her. Do what is best for you right now. <p>It's like a bomb just hit. You know what most soldiers do when that happens? "Every man for himself." Look out for you. When you are safe, you can help your H. But he wants to drag you into the mortar hole. No way!<p>Your marriage is over right now. The way you knew it. If you are to salvage anything for the rebuilding of it, you must escape now.<p>Please. Tell someone close to you that will hold you accountable.<p>This may be a little premature, but do not leave your house. I'm not sure of all the legal ramifications leaving will cause, but if you were to take this before a judge right now, I'm sure you would get the house (unless you're in a community property state).<p>You need to love your H from afar right now. That doesn't mean he should leave, or that you should. It means that you cannot help him right now.<p>Keep reading on this site. If I were you, I'd be on to Plan B, but that's an individual decision.<p>The most important thing right now is to not let him run you over and allow this woman to come into your home.<p>HTH,<p>Hoping

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO<p>Do not let her anywhere near your home. He must be crazy to even suggest it!

Another thought, <p>Mid-life Crisis?<p>From what I understand, their hormones get all out of whack and they can act crazy.<p>See if you can find some info on the net or talk to your doc.<p>Hoping

This is his second serious EA. The first was 10 yrs ago when we were in Germany (we both retired Army). I keep telling myself I should have let him go then! Water under the bridge....
I will only let her into my house over my dead body.
He uses the excuse that he is afraid of her..She is a thug, from the ghetto (so H says). Her 17 yr old son just beat a murder rap (so H says). He tells me she is married...But she and her husband have been separated for quite a while.
I feel like I am in the middle of some cheap, unbelievable soap opera!
I have an appointment Fri with a counselor!

Compulsive'sW,<p>Let me see, OW's BF is going to jail, OW has done or does crack, do you want to associate with these people...?<p>When I first started posting someone told me to be careful of the health aspects.<p>Be careful of the health aspects. You H may have already brought somenthing home [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]
I know, a really tuff thought<p>You've gotten some good advice....your pain is great, beyond description, but talk it out here, read the MB stuff, your still a good person,<p>Prayers,,,,DRS

This is the craziest thing I have ever heard of. Frightening, actually. He is either losing his mind or was some sort of sociopath to begin with.<p>From what you are telling us, you are not going to be able to handle this on your own. If I were you, I would go to the police and tell them what your husband thinks he wants to do.<p>He wants to move his girlfriend in with his wife because he is "afraid" of said crack-addict girlfriend and her criminal teen-aged son??<p>That's not even sane.<p>Again -- you are not dealing with a rational person here. Get help and get it quickly. He is not playing with a full deck.<p>Psycho_B***h

Boy is my skull thick...everyone is right, how could you deal with this without losing your mind or your life?<p>I'm sorry, but if I was afraid of someone (like your H says he is) I wouldn't invite them into my house. How can he expect her to pay anything if she knows he's dumb enough to have her live under the same roof as his wife? If she thinks he's afraid of her, then she will take advantage of everyone. I don't think he's afraid of her...her son maybe, but not her.<p>I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. But can you get hold of her/him before your appointment to get some advice before anything more happens? My counselor gave me her home number.<p>Please let us know what happens.<p>Hoping

May I add something to the great advice that you have already received?<p>See a lawyer TOMORROW! You need serious help to protect yourself. I suspect that you can get a restraining order to keep the OW far away from you and your house. Do you want your H out of the house for the duration of the A?<p>Take care and protect yourself,
Estes

I second Estes. You need to know your legal rights immediately. If you are joint tenants, you may have no recourse if he decides to move her in against your will. The police may not be able to help you without a court order unless you can prove to them that you are sole owner or lessee. At the very least, contact your nearest women's shelter to see what they can tell you about your rights. There may be something under the domestic violence laws about this type of thing.<p>I know how hard it is to get tenants out of rental property, and that is when you are the sole owner of the property. Evicting someone when one of the owners wants the tenant there I imagine would be even harder. Take whatever legal action you need to ASAP.<p>Also, see your doctor or health department for STD testing immediately.<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

I just read Love must beTough by James Dobson. He has many examples in there. One is a woman that the husband let the OW move in, even in their bedroom! This was terrilbe. He said that if this woman would have told him to get out, and seperated. He might have seen she ment buisness, and said no I want to be here it is over. However she waited too long, and let them get closer.<p>She worked against herself. I agree with everyone elese. Be strong tell him to go to a councelor with you and if the councilor sais it is ok. He will laugh, because he knows this is so wrong too. He is just trying to get away with as much as he can! Don't let him. Prayers to you!!

check your options about a restraining order. On who? OW and maybe even your H if he you feeling scared and unprotected. Why would a man want to bring such an immoral person into his famiy's home? <p>He wants to go take care of her? Feels obligated to her? Then he needs to move out and take care of her far far far away from U. If 1/2 of what he says is true, then turn the tables on him and say he should leave because you can not trust someone who would even consider letting a character like hers anywheres near your home. <p>He is the nutty one for even suggesting it, even in jest. <p>This crazy notion about feeling obligated? Common yet stupid WS excuse. Don't buy it. <p>JMHO,
L.

Compulsive'sW,
I can't stand to read all the post. Just in case it is not overwhelingly obviuos. Your H is one sick puppy -- Of course it is absolutley out of the question -- follow your instincts.
You do not desreve to be treated this way.
No matter what you did or do not, your H's actions are not, I repeat, are not justified!<p>Please seek help & ask for support from a friend, relative, &/or clergy. <p>I will pray for you!
HH

CW,<p>Please don't do this.<p>I did and you WON'T like the outcome - I didn't.<p>I allowed the OW to move into my home and she spent 3 months telling my children I didn't love them while I tucked hers into bed with stories and lullabyes. I spent 3 months cleaning up after her while she engineered fights between my H and I to drive us further apart. I opened my home to her and that wasn't enough - I CAUGHT her digging through my purse too!<p>NO MATTER WHAT YOUR H SAYS - your marriage doesn't have a chance in hades unless this OW goes away. And if your H is so all fired up to be 'responsible' for someone why don't you remind him he VOWED that responsibility to YOU and if you no longer come first - see an attorney.<p>You SHOULD be considered here and it sure doesn't seem to me like you are.<p>Even polyamorous style relationships treat EACH member better than this.<p>You deserve better.<p>Feel free to e-mail me if you like.....<p>LionHeart66@ivillage.com

HEART!!! Amazing to see you here! I thought of you instantly when I read this post...since I didnt' think you posted here I wasnt' sure if I should tell you about it or not. Very cool of you to stop by and give some insight into your unfortunate experience in this area!<p>Compulsives wife...how are you doing? Have you told your H yet that you will not agree to that arrangement? Hope you are doing well...take care of yourself.

Thanks Heart ... I really appreciate what you've done.<p>You're really one special lady.<p>Love,<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]